Women, Relationships and the Ascension

Today is my birthday. There is no one else around but my mother who will bring a cake so that we can garnish it with whip cream and strawberries as usual. I told her that I really don't care much for presents at this time, since we are so short of money and I am trying to declutter my life so that I'll be even more ready for the new things that promise to show up soon.

Now one thing that concerns me a great deal is that I have a relationship that reliable sources say is enabling. By this they mean that I make it too easy for him to avoid taking charge of his own life. I also worry a lot for him and this is dragging me down. Under normal circumstances I would just go on as usual, and give him the fair chance that he deserves. He is trying so hard to fit into my life, and he truly wants it very badly. Yet everything that can possibly go wrong this year has been going wrong both in his personal life as well as within our relationship. I feel that I should be there for him, yet at the same time I also realize that now is a time to detach from other people's karma and the kind of problems that really affect us negatively. I feel sad and guilty for having such thoughts, yet why should I sacrifice myself? I have trouble pinpointing my feelings but it seems that what I feel for him is not the kind of love you build a relationship on, but a love based in deep friendship. I still seem to be learning about emotions!

Now for those who don't know about the events over the past few years I need to clarify a few points. First, I broke up with my first real partner a year and a half ago. I then dated a man on the internet for a few months, but he pulled out in the end, which turned out to supply me with a sense of relief... Then my current partner showed up. We talked on Skype for several months until I was able to visit him on the other side of the world. In the end I only stayed there for as long as my visa allowed me, which is three months. During this time I experienced plenty of anxiety and frustration. I didn't feel that he understood my needs and that he was quite in the dark as how to deal with me and understand what I was all about. I am not sure he tried hard enough... No doubt our months on Skype had provided him with this picture of an angel that would come to help him sort out the basic issues in his life (make better food, help create a nice home, inspire him to exercise, be there for him in times of trouble...) and it turned out that I was a real person with real needs. I have a history of disregarding my own needs and so I was trying to be really aware of this point of view in building this relationship. In the end I had to leave, as there was not enough money to support the two of us. It has a lot to do with the economics of the continent and other personal details that I cannot share here in public. Needless to say, it was a relief to come home to my red sofa and my lovely things, and have no one else demand anything from me but my picky little cats... I realized it was time for me to focus on myself now, which in fact is much supported by people like Karen Bishop who are trying to explain the workings of the ascension process.

Yesterday I was waiting for my dear male friend (the one I am talking about here) to call me as usual, but I was waiting in vain... Turns out he overslept and had to take care of things before he could call me. Due to the time difference this meant that he didn't show up until midnight my time, wanting to be the first to wish me happy birthday. By that time I was in a really bad mood. The night before I had been crying my eyes out over all sorts of strong emotional issues that revealed themselves to me. I felt enormous sadness and compassion and was no doubt going through the reality of my emotional life the way it expresses itself at this moment in time. Apparently this caused me a headache that bordered on migraine, so I did not have a very nice Sunday! Plus there was no one around even on the internet, and I felt extremely lonely after the quick but intense visit at my house of a dear old friend and her kids. As I was complaining to my male friend my internet connection suddenly went down. Now how often does this happen? I had to wait for an hour until it came back on - it was probably a case of service but it came at the worst time possible! Of course my friend was no longer available. I waited 45 more minutes and then called him on the phone, which is way too expensive for both of us. He had of course thought that I had hung up on him on purpose. So by the time I got to bed it was really late. Not a great way to start a birthday! Not that it really matters all that much at this age, yet still...

My point here is, that when things just don't seem to flow naturally, something may be wrong from a higher perspective. I have not been told that I should end my relationship, yet it has been suggested to me that this may not be the best choice of partner. My loyalty and compassion come into this scenario as real problems, since it's very hard for me to leave a wounded buddy to bleed to death... you know what I mean, though the image is a strong one. I want to be there for anyone who may need me. And so I stand in front of a difficult choice that is draining me and making me feel quite sad about the way of life. Everyone deserves a good relationship and not least my good friend! Yet, we have to take responsibility of our own lives and also make sure that our own needs are being met. Once we know that the needs we have are clear of the pursuits of the ego, there is no need to deny them and try and rationalize the situation.

It has been said that I am not originally from this world. I am only a visitor and a collector of valuable experiences about the human condition and the emotions that motivate the people of this planet. I believe this wholeheartedly, as I have felt tugging intuition for many years that there is something a little different about me and my purpose for being here. This may also explain why entering the human game and all the dramas surrounding infatuations and love seem very strange to me. I don't know what it would take for me to really fall in love! Is this a pathology or just a fact which I have no way of changing while I am in this present body? I think that however tired I am of being alone, I must do what is right for my soul and ask to meet someone who is truly understanding of my reasons for being here and who is not a stranger to the idea of ascension. Whether this be a twin flame or not doesn't strike me as being of any greater consequence. I don't like to romanticize that notion either! Anything less than a spiritually attuned partner seems to create overwhelming problems though, and what is now visible could be the top of an iceberg. I would appreciate points of view about this predicament! With love and blessings!

Artwork: "What Serves You No More", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Dealing With The Anxiety Of Releasing Our Old Life

It is strangely quiet all around. I suppose many are ruminating, contemplating, reflecting... and that is wonderful. Now if ever is a good time to ponder our set beliefs and question our conditioning. It is also a time that brings feelings of distress to the surface. I am sure that many of us feel embarrassed about it! Shouldn't we be stepping up the ladder already and not wollop about all sorts of things that are not even any of our own business... However, Karen Bishop explains it quite eloquently. We must not meddle with other people's paths but allow them to find their own inner stability and realization. This to me is a very painful process, as I have always felt a great need to assist and guide as much as I humanly can. Now I have to step back and watch all the misery that surround me without interfering. I think that what I feel is an anxiety based in compasssion on the one hand and disappointment of having to let go of things that didn't work out on the other. It is strange that the more you let go, the harder it seems to become, because the uncertainty and emptiness becomes ever more obvious. And then the waiting... the knowledge that there is nothing one can do but wait. Meanwhile all sorts of thoughts and feelings pass by and one must be vigilant not to allow them to hook up within you so that you get more bogged down than necessary. Still things of the past suddenly show up and shake you in a way that it never did back THEN! All I can say is that increased awareness of one's own emotional life enhances the sense of vulnerability, however without the benefit of being able to see the bigger picture yet.

For a while I was getting verification that all my secret intuitions of this life were indeed signs of insight and knowledge and not haphazard. Things that I suspected but had no way of confirming are now coming true. However, now, most of the time, it's all just quiet... in an almost spooky, ominous way. Occassionally there are some new things coming in, information that is totally unexpected. Many of us are wallowing in a sea of uncertainty, where many basic things are really hard to deal with. Even staying put as Karen Bishop suggests is hard, because it enhances the feeling of waiting and the impatience that follows thereupon. I do feel very strongly that allowing things to be without the urge to control one's life with too much assertion is very important right now. This she has been suggesting as well, and I wholeheartedly agree. I feel guilty to feel anxious of all this emptiness and the need of holding back on things that I feel tempted to affect in one direction or another. But I think there is nothing else we can do at this time. I thought I knew about all this already but apparently the sense of urgency and energetic infiltration is ever more present and causing ever more inner pressure! There is not much to hold onto and this we must accept! The new cannot enter unless we stop seeking ways of releasing our anxiety instead of releasing our old life!

All I can say is... be careful what you wish for, and what you think of yourself... I hope this artwork brings some thoughts to mind. It's called "Who Will Get The Rose?" (collage on paper 2008, all rights reserved).

Who is truly pure at heart?

Spiritual Jargon And The Question Of Compassion With Detachment

This time I'd like to continue on the subject of manipulation and talk a little about spiritual jargon (household words for the initiated spiritual elite), but also tie it in with the idea of compassion. I have observed, that there are unfortunately many ways in which spiritual beliefs can be used against you in subtle ways, and I would like to raise awareness about this. Just keep your ears wide open and pay attention to what people say and in which context! Was the argument really in perfect tune with the subject matter in question? This is again an area in which I believe it's important to practice discernment. And if someone tells you you attracted some idiots into your life because you're not being a positive person yourself, watch out! It could be that you needed the idiot in order to learn something new and valuable. It may be that you taught the idiot something new and valuable (it may not sink in right away but maybe one they they'll get it!). Certainly there is always a need to be on the look out for our own shadows and see what it is that make us repeat certain patterns in our lives. But not all is shit that stinks just as not all is gold that glitters!

Here is an example. I was recently invited to become a writer for some kind of e-zine or whatever it was, but they didn't accept my first submission because in their mind the energy level wasn't high enough. I see... so truth is not an issue, only happy faces? It's important to be positive but we need to be real too, for goodness sakes! Ok, I admit the article in question was an old one and so maybe it's best buried and forgotten. However, I especially didn't like the way 'energy' was being used as an argument. If this sort of thing continues, it starts to resemble some kind of spiritual fascism where 'arian' is simply interchanged with 'high energy' or '5D frequencies'. I spot 'danger' here! Don't you? Way too many times have I encountered people who truly believe that spiritual elitism is okay.



Ok first, 'energy' has become a household word that most people understand even though it is not related to the physical definition of it. The 'dimension' thing (5D and above) is quite new to me and I never read any stuff about such things back in the 90's when I was still reading. Certainly it is a kind of illusion, and I guess I've more or less settled with a view that it 'kind' of exists. Really it's a tool more than anything else. I don't like how the ideas of 3D, 4D and 5D become jargon, but the truth is... sometimes we don't have much of a choice as language is limited and our perception also. I figure dimension is a reasonably useful word for categorizing various states of being. but it has been somewhat useful for me to use it as a tool for thinking and understanding that 3D corresponds with the typical Earth experience (very physical and unfortunately one in which people usually have to fake their identity) and 5D corresponds with my higher self.

I believe that residing in a state of being that corresponds with 5D allows us to be aware of the underlying unity and who we truly are. However it really throws me when people are using the various dimensions in the form of a jargon to enhance their sense of self-importance and belittle those who are not yet aware of that dimension. We ARE all one so at the bottom of the illusion we are living there is unquestionable equality and Oneness. Thus we all reside in all the dimensions that exist but perceiving them differently. Note that ascension would from this perspective mean a change of perception and attitude, not a tangible 'rising' of sorts.


I also don't like the way Oneness has become jargon, it's easy enough to talk about it but experiencing it is quite another issue.


I also sometimes feel that if I don't attract abundance in my life right now I had better put a bullet through my head.

Anyway... this little incident with the writer's site also caused a series of self-doubts within me.


I admit that some of the questions I started to pose myself were in fact warranted, but some of them made me more confused than I needed to be. Because of this project I had created another blogspace (this one in fact) which I also planned to use as a home for old blogs that originated from a site I left recently. I was thinking that there will always be people who will be in the same or a similar spot as I was in at the time being. However, as I looked at them more closely they didn't strike me as very relevant to who I am today, and so I started to feel embarrassed about putting them out there. Then I thought of editing them but saw that they were tied to a certain time period in my life and difficult to transcribe into a new form. At this point I was starting to feel stressed. I was wondering if I really wanted to be writing short 'pieces of wisdom and experience' (sic) to the general public anymore. What if the new me will be crucified when the old me was only being stoned?

Truth to say, I don't really feel like putting up a fake front of joy and happiness right now. (That has nothing to do with who I 'really' am though!) Life is damn hard at this moment in time and I don't think it's much easier for most people who are for real (or not aware of what is really going on). All around me I see chaos (a lot of incompetence and irritability in the most unlikely places in every day life!), and find that my own personal life is the least chaotic of all, haha. It didn't always used to be that way and so I am thinking, hey, I am really not doing all that bad! Should I be listening to the opinions of people who have no idea what my life has been like and what I have achieved? Of course not. And now I'm talking about people in general, not just the people at the spiritual site I mentioned in relation to my writing.

It's so easy to resort to clichés like 'you are attracting this or that because you are X'. In fact, it can easily be part of a jargon in which people try and prove that you're inferior, and I shun anything that smells of competition. All I want is just to share stuff as friends do. I have been looking around the spiritual communities on the internet and in the real world enough to know that times are rough for a lot of people and I think it's enough to stick with that and stop causing guilt in ourselves or others. I for one feel immensely tired of the human games and the ego tripping that abounds. Unfortunately I'm not yet strong enough to react with pure love and compassion at all times. It's not that I am not compassionate, it's that all this is too overwhelming.

I get messages about not allowing myself to be bogged down by other people's negative experiences anymore. This to me is the hardest lesson of all. How do I retain a sense of compassion without sucking up all the energy of those who suffer? I used to feel attracted to Mahayana Buddhism due to their pertinence regarding this particular question, and now I know why! I felt so drawn to the ideal of the Bodhisattva (the Buddha who postpones his or hers final enlightenment in order to come and assist Earth people time and time again) but didn't quite know why... It agitated me to be one but it also agitated me not to know if I was some kind of being like that or not!

I would like to point out, that many people will tell an empath that it is not okay to feel 'too much' for someone else. According to common psychology, this could be an indicator of borderline or childhood traumas relating to the caretakers. It is of my opinion that it doesn't have to be! You know the answer. Again, if I had believed everthing people told me about myself I would probably not be here to day.

For now, I simply don't know how to strike a balance between compassion and detachment, though I do think I will solve the problem eventually with a little help from a friend and our guides. I have to say that it is counter to my belief to avoid those who have a bad time. However, in the end this is maybe not the real question here. What I mean is... I have a tendency to go and die a martyr's death if it seems necessary at the time, but this doesn't necessarily mean there is anything badly wrong with me. It may only be an indicator that I am compassionate and in this life in order to assist certain beings (this is what I have come to believe). However, now is the time when I need to gather strength for the times to come so that I can be of real help when asked to assist. There are times when we are simply wasting our energies for no real good at all or waiting far too long for the results to show, and times when we can actually do something of value. Now seems to be the time to start discerning between the two case scenarios.

I have to be aware of not carrying other people's burdens. When it comes to my near ones this is where it becomes truly difficult. It also becomes difficult when people confront me with assertive and impertinent energies. The point is how to keep walking up the stairs so that we can be strong and good examples to those who follow later. Just as I was thinking that my compassion is finally showing outwards, I had to revise the way that I am using it in my life...

I don't know if others recognize this dilemma but to me it's a major turning point or a defining issue. It also means that I cannot be there for someone I care for very much. I feel that am not in our joint enterprise for the right reasons. I can't confront this person with my reasoning right now because they don't have the capacity to recieve it. And so I am having to wait... with a bleeding heart because I cannot express how I feel but also cannot feel what I would like to express. That is, for the time being.

Later addition: One thing that someone pointed out to me is the talk of 'boomeritis' which in fact is a generation of people who have become incredibly narcissistic. The idea was that everyone respects each other's truths and no one takes the lead, so no evolution happens, it's just status quo. I'd say this connects to the idea of self-enhancement since it then becomes totally ok to bring out all your asssets and a little more. This is a very typical American phenomenon and just saw a bit of an interview with the famous American literary critic Harold Bloom saying something along those lines but in a profane context. Everything has to be exaggerated and over-zealous, but where does that take us? Someone always has to be on top behind the scenes even if on the outside, everyone accepts that everyone else is fighting for the highest position. See what I mean? It's a viscious cirlce I guess. I was brought up in a totally different atmosphere where any kind of self-enhancement is looked upon with disdain, 'don't you dare think you're anything and better than others', lol. To brag about one's credentials is really a deadly sin over here. I have trouble believing that these tendencies will disappear over night... How can we acquire a real and authentic sense of equality?

We are conditioned to judge... It's an automatic almost. It's VERY hard to stand strong in one's own truth when there is so much peer pressure (have touched upon that in other blogs). There is much to say about all this... Chogyam Trungpa called it spiritual materialism some 25 years ago, so people have been trying to warn against the spiritual ego traps all throughout the New Age. How do we rise above the look of others? Those rolling eyes, the gaze of disapproval...? As I've said before, if I had not believed in my higher self all these years I would have succumbed to pressure and I don't think I would have survived it. The labels, the diagnoses, the assumptions, the judgments... Gee, what a world! Yarra, it's good you question the semantics here too. I'm not sure I see a whole lot of difference between detached and un-attached but I do see your point. I myself am really squeezed up against the wall right now though. Two people in my life are supposedly (according to higher sources) keeping me from ascending due to the frustration and worries they bring about in me. So it's a bit like goldenrunner's situation in which you feel you have no choice but to put up with the malaise, yet you know it's hampering you. Why did I have to wake up this morning with such a heavy heart? It's not right... there should be an end in sight, after all these years of struggling to do the right thing and take the blame and trying to fix one's own issues... At least as far as me and my friend's guides are concerned her and I don't have to learn more about these things, and so we do need to somehow disengage emotionally from the people who drain us with their oh so human ways of defending their position or the trouble they are going through. It's like my friend said, 'it's just one thing after another' these days. They are things that COULD be part of projections of our own shadow issues but apparently they aren't. The question remains what the best way of dealing with all this is. So... close contact is the hardest place to be when it comes to compassion. So I think you, Yarra, were talking about from a different point of view, right? Some of us are like sponges and we HAVE to do something about it. Though I've been told there's no real hurry one does feel that time and opportunity is slipping away somehow... I guess we are all so eager to see an end to our own misery whatever it is (those of us who are still entangled in something)....

Artwork: "Choose Your Friends Wisely" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008

Two Healing Playlists

I have created two playlists that I hope will be enjoyed as such but also in terms of healing. One is basically for releasing or dealing with emotions and the other is for discernment, inner certainty and empowerment. Try it out, there is nothing scary there! www.playlist.com/user/24159716, or www.myspace.com/symbolistartist. Enjoy!

Artwork: "House Of Cards" by author, collage on paper, copyright 2008

On Compassion, Forgiveness and Communication

I have to say that among the most useful information on the ascension that has been available on the internet have been Karen Bishop's energy alerts, which explain some of the general energy occurences and how they may affect us. I think one of the most important things for myself has been the work I've had to do in order to detach from those who bog me down with their negative thoughtforms. This process has brought into play an enormous wave of compassion that has been more than difficult to handle. While it has become clear to me that I am indeed here at this time - embodying this particular body - primarily for reasons of compassion, it is also clear that this has not really come into its own in its full extent during my life hitherto. The more I read about other people's ascension symptoms, the more I realize that in a sense I've struggled with similar symptoms all my life, only without realizing exactly why I was feeling so pressured and divided in a deeper existential sense.

The feeling of having a divided self was evident when I was young and had closed off my emotional life. However, later on when I started to open up to feelings, it became evident that there was still some kind of division going on within myself. I know now that it's because I was having to reside in two dimension at the same time and that I had a 'double vision' in a spiriutal sense which allowed me to view people from a lower point of view as well as a higher point of view. It means that while I was able to see the ego issues I was also aware of the deeper and more truthful persona behind them. These two are existentially speaking equal as portrayed in my artwork above. I think this is why the idea of forgiveness never resonated with me though I tried to be a good girl and understand what people meant when they were insisting that I had to forgive those who hurt me! How can forgiveness be an issue when you understand that people act out of ignorance and a false ego? And also, how can it be an issue if you sense that the persona that you have taken on in this life time is not the real Self, and thus the hurt is a form of illusion? I don't mean to say I am insensitive to hurt, on the contrary, only that I don't find a need to do any rituals of forgiveness. I am saying this because I know it's a big issue for many, but it's not an issue for all of us.

I have chosen to live in the 3D reality in order to experience what other human beings experience, and I think it's because this is the only way to true compassion. It is also the only way in which I can transmit my experiences in a way that makes sense to human beings. I don't see how there could be a more constructive way of growing in spirit? Yet, as I said, I've had to also realize that taking on everyone else's problems energetically is no longer serving a purpose. I assume that the lesson was learned. And as Karen Bishop points out, now is the time to allow others to make up their own minds about how they want to live their lives and wake up to their own reality without somebody else influencing them to do so. It is very hard for me to see my American friend struggle so much with his issues, since I feel utterly helpless and scared of adding to his burden in any way. For instance, as I break down in tears because of all this, it is only making his situation worse. So somehow I have to let go and try and focus on my own clearance and my own spiritual path.

Issues of communication have also been very much on my mind lately. While the loving way seems to be the only truly acceptable way and aggression can not really be defended from any deeply spiritual point of view, in the 3D reality I've found that there are times when you have to be firm and assertive so that people don't continue to trespass your boundaries. Sometimes, you have to say "NO!" with force... (Sometimes you even have to enter a warzone, though I'll leave that subject aside for now.) For instance, the only way that I can protect myself from my mother's abuse of alcohol has been to give her an ultimatum: either she is sober when we meet, or she loses her only daughter. There are instances where I've looked through my fingers but this doesn't mean that I haven't gotten hurt and felt sad and drained from her insensitive behaviour. This is the reason why at the moment I am not in touch with her at all. I presume it will not last forever but it all depends on her own inner process. While I have to accept that I am lonelier than ever, I have at least been given the solace of my real soul sister, who suddenly appeared in my life. Though we live as far apart as me and the man I've been trying to build a relationship with, she is at least there for me and vice versa thanks to modern day technology. Karen Bishop talks of the reunion of families and friends, and so maybe this is my version of this kind of occurrence since I have lost most other people who used to be part of my life.

My father is upset with a mistake I made regarding our joint credit card and again I found myself in a situation where I felt that I had to talk in the only way he can understand, and that is by explaining what a rotten life it is for me who doesn't even have big enough an income to make me eligible for a card of my own. I absolutely hate going into a victim mode but also realize that it's very much part of this world and that I have to embody this humiliating 'role' for just a little longer. Right now is not the time to focus on the things we would like to have in order to lead a more comfortable life, now is the time to do solid work for the benefit of all and to show true and honest compassion in a world that is almost devoid of it.

Artwork: "Me Myself And I (Towards Integration)" collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2008

I Fell In A Money Trap - Or Did I?

This time I wish to share with others the current, very stressful configurations regarding money issues. I signed up for one of the 'teasers' that people who run businesses offer online, this time it was the numerological analysis of my name and birth date. I received the same numbers as years ago when someone did this for me as a friend's favor. What comes up is a rather conflicting configuration where on the one hand I am highly concerned with ethical issues over materialistic ones, and have a tendency to sacrifice everything for a a cause related to social injustice, yet at the same time my heart's desire is to feel an abundance of love and signs of wealth flowing in my life. Though the latter has not manifested in very obvious ways, I can recognize this wish as some kind of undercurrent in my life and attitude about reality... I do manifest it in terms of beauty, but there's a counterforce connected to my anti-materialistic stance... Eh, I'm as contradictory as ever...

Now what I am really getting at is the way that greediness and a belief in 'lack' is ruling the world of today. Remember, I live in Finland and am not used to aggressive sales techniques at all. However, almost every day now I receive offers to change my telephone line for a cheaper one or special offers on magazine subscriptions and the like, and the tone of voice and approach is more assertive than ever before. I made a vow not to make contracts on the phone after I had some trouble with one regarding the internet connection that I made last year. Although everything turned out ok in the end, I was stressed about it for months.

One day I finally fell right into a trap, though. I was obviously feeling overly optimistic and confident that good things will be coming my way, since this is one of the messages that keeps coming to me in various ways. Although it is correct that we should have faith and a positive outlook in order to attract a better future, it is in reality very hard to keep a proper balance with the feet well on the ground. We must of course also be aware, that this is a time of extreme economic upheaval on a global level, and therefore the collective desperation of people who wish to have a better life at whatever cost is also greater than ever before. This results in all sorts of aggressive attacks on the individual to pay for this, pay for that... prizes are forever soaring and the poor are getting poorer due to all the psychological pressure. Capitalism is reaching its farthest extreme. I have to admit I that find that all the talk of opening up to abundance can sometimes cause more confusion, and maybe even mess with one's personal intuition and discernment. Again, I am not saying that it is all wrong. Yes, we do need to remove the sense of lack that most of us seem to be carrying deep inside. However, this is not going to happen just through wishful thinking and by succumbing to all the great 'offers' that are out there in the world (whether they be a promise of better health, economy or status). Unfortunately, most people who are concerned with the making of money will have very little concern of an altruistic kind.

So... I am relatively naive when it comes to the aggressive nature of many salespeople. Where I come from, this has not been such a blatant problem until very recently. My culture supports freedom of choice and most of all, people don't like to be pushy. In America, on the other hand, selling is an art all its own. And so when I was called up yesterday and offered an opportunity to take part in the green card lottery for the USA if I paid so and so much, I succumbed. How could I be so stupid as to agree to all this ON THE PHONE??? Well, one thing is that other people's money problems have been in the air to an extent that I feel completely suffocated by them, and I've started to be careless about my own financial assets. The collective is obviously also experiencing big issues on this level and all this is pressing hard on the individual's psyche. All the talk about needing to be open to abundance also undermined some of my normal caution (though some of it is of course for the better). I also misunderstood the service I was given and somehow thought that I am paying for something that would come up later anyway if I move to the USA. This is connected to the fact that it is very hard to figure out exactly how you can enter the country legally. I also did not know that there is a lottery that is free of charge, as this was never pointed out to me during the intense and skillfully managed conversation. Thus... I fell for the flattering and encouraging words that were offered me. After a sleepless night with an enormous knot in my stomach I tried to cancel the deal, because in reality I might literally have to starve if I am to pay off this money from my credit card for the next few months.

I prayed that they would agree to cancel this transaction. I know from my American companion how hard cooked and harsh people who deal with your money can be...

So my message to those interested is to encourage the use of our commonsense during these times of upheaval. The act of balance is precarious. We need to be open and hopeful, but not gullible and naive. Nor should we succumb to greed while mistaking the quest for abundance for a chase for money. Keep in mind that abundance means many things, not only money in the bank. And it is a mindset more than anything else. At least for now...

The lady in question finally called, and bombarded me as expected with arguments to support their cause and make me look like an idiot for not having simply hung up the phone if I didn't understand what was going on, if the conversation was too fast for me or I knew I couldn't pay for their service. I said that what they told me was not a lie, but that they also did not tell me the whole truth (e.g. that there is another option that is free of charge). 'Well you obviously wanted this very much or otherwise you would not have paid for it right away!', she argued. I couldn't help starting to sob as I tried to appeal to her human side: "Yes, that is the problem, I wanted it very much, too much so, and therefore I couldn't think clearly about the money situation'. Apparently trying to appeal to someone's human side in a situation like this is not conducive to any changes...

It is of course a proven fact that high levels of stress hormones in the blood cause the brain to work less efficiently, and assumptions are succumbed to where clear thinking should be in charge. All I could see at the time they called me up the first time was opportunity and a feeling of excitement (I never thought this could happen to me!). Maybe it was for a reason, who knows. I certainly got to see some human behavioral patterns at work here... Because she realized that I had truly misunderstood the idea of paying more for special treatment (usually VIP equals being treated as a 'very important person' thus having advantages that others don't), she finally agreed to refund a part of my money. I think she realized I had a hook on her since they were using a term that was false in the current context. My companion was urging me to threaten with filing complaints etc. Ok, so I am too soft and don't want to argue 'too' much. I guess sometimes in life we have to be happy that we can at least reach a compromise. I have to accept all this as another lesson in life and hope that something good does come out of it. Luckily, I received understanding and support from my near ones. Financially speaking the incident could have been much worse, and what I am now having to pay is not a catastrophy of mega proportions. It's bad enough but I will try and stay hopeful that things work out. Maybe the lesson was worth its investment.

Artwork: "The Precarious Art Of Balance - On a Knive's Edge" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008

Questioning Automatic Beliefs

It's good to determine the semantic distinctions between words or expressions such as "judging" and "being judgmental", "having opinions" and "being opiniated", and a host of other subtle nuances. First, we need to establish whether we are talking about the same thing. I am bringing this up so as to highlight the theme of this blog. This is the fact that we take many words and expressions for granted instead of questioning them and making sure that we know exactly what we are talking about, and that we are all implying the same thing when we are talking about matters that matter... Again and again, I encounter this problem online.

One thing in particular I'd like for people to question is why exactly everybody should be treated equally? People assume it's that way, because they have been taught it's the moral way to be. However it's seldom being put into practice in the world as we know it today. It seems to me, that this belief or assumption requires a really deeper resonance in people before things can really start to change and the world become a better place for everybody. In fact automatic beliefsystems are in the way of more creative and heartfelt insights regarding the deeper truths in life.

If we feel a need to judge others, which sometimes is hard to avoid, maybe we could at least try to keep it as objective as possible and avoid going into the judging process so wholeheartedly. A judging statement is just another opinion of our mind and a product of dualist thinking (one thing is inferior to another). If only we could challenge each other gently, not so harshly that all the automatic defense-mechanisms get started. There is no point in being mean. But being passive is not a form of love either!Seeing personality (or individuality, which is perhaps a step further in the evolutionary hierarchy) as a form of beauty is helpful to me. Even though many of us believe that we are all one at a deeper level, it is not exactly what is being expressed on this level of reality. What we see here on Earth is usually the differentiation rather than the underlying Oneness, in other words the fact that each soul has developed its own individuality and has a sense of self that is completely unique. Surely this development is one of the points of evolution? The One divides into fragments that all have a personal point of view... Thus we are One but Many at the same time.

My motto has been to get away from a thinking in terms of "either-or" and instead embrace the profound and mysterious paradox of "both-and". As the Buddhist philospher Nagarjuna pointed out, even that is not an expression of the ultimate truth as he saw it, and I believe that too. But it's a step forward, an exercise for the mind. Can we perceive each other as both one with us and separate individuals?I don't think there's anything wrong with opinions, they make the world go around. But ultimately, it's maybe a question of challenging one's automatic beliefs and figuring out ways of opening the heart a bit more? Many times I have thought; "what's the bloody use"? But throughout my life I've trusted that the meaningfulness of it all will show spontaneously if I manage to open up my channels even more.

Artwork: "Why?", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008

Generating Kindness and Generosity In Every Day Life

Easter was a heavy time but after that I found it easier than before to keep a positive attitude on a regular basis. I would run errands in town and notice how cheerful I felt as I was struggling in the chilling wind on my bike on the way back home. I noticed how willing I was to erase bad feelings that had existed between me and people I was forced to be in touch with. For instance, a much dreaded visit to the social service worked out ok as I decided to try and be as open as possible about my issues so that she would have no questions or doubts in her mind... (ok I admit I was using a strategy of war by wearing her out with my ramblings so she couldn't think and only wanted to be rid of me, lol, lol)... after that I've felt more comfortable to turn in my monthly report and know that the bill for my electric heating will be taken care of. Some time ago I was taken by surprise when someone who represents the green card lottery program of the USA called me and talked me into paying for it without telling me that I can also be in it for free. Being Finnish, I am not used the assertive American way of selling things, and so I fell for it... Though I am upset about the commericalism that abounds, I've tried not to regret the 200 € I had to spend on the green card lottery I try and send it some kind of blessing instead...

Somewhere deep inside I have come to feel that the worst is over now and so I can let go of some of the fear I was feeling for many years when I sensed that I had many challenges and learning lessons ahead of me. Whether things will really be easier from now on or whether the difference is in my attitude, is hard to tell. I have learned recently that I am just as much an intuitive empath as I suspected, and it helps to re-establish my sense of self-worth. My past relationship took a great toll on me since my sensitivity was highly criticized. Now I need to re-instate a sense of empowerment and reclaim my right to be a highly sensitive person. I hope that somehow I will be given the tools to bring in more clarity on this issue. As it is, it is still hard for me to tell what is what - when I am worried I am not always sure it is because I sense a real problem or because I am being paranoid due to past conditioning. I so hope that someone or something will help me out of this confusion (unless I come up with the solution by myself, of course, which is what usually happens). I need to somehow be very clear on what to do when the end of summer arrives and I have to decide whether I should leave my apartment for good and how to do it. As it is, right now I have no way of validating the relationship that is calling me to leave my country and settle in America instead. It makes me feel inadequate, although I am really just being realistic and aware that true love needs a growing ground in order to flourish. Opening my heart to someone is not something I take lightly at all. Who knows, maybe what to other human beings may seem like flaws in me really are my strengths and things that I should embrace as valuable assets... I am sure that many are realizing the same these days. It is time to stop trying to fit in and making ourselves smaller than we really are just because of peer pressure from our social environment. Of course I am not advocating some silly ego tripping in which we go out with our 'truths' and impose them on the unsuspecting people out there in the world...

What really happens when we stabilize our sense of self and come to greater clarity about who we really are, is not some kind of vague loss of ego and slavery in the service of the greater forces. I remember how the idea of enlightenment always bothered me while I was into studying transpersonal theories and mysticism back in the '90s. Something just didn't really seem right. Although I embraced Mahayana Buddhism to a very great extent and especially felt kinship with the ideal of the Bodhisattva (Avalokiteshvar or Quan Yin), I just couldn't see myself as someone who would disappear into the Source in order to start all over (in a manner of speaking). What is now being brought out under the umbrella called 'ascension' actually helps me realize that the traditional way of enlightenment is not necessarily the only way of becoming free from the obligation or desire to return to Earth (Samsara). What makes much more sense to me is that I do indeed personify some form of Bodhisattva ideal but that my work on Earth may be finished by the time it is my time to go for good. Ok, I'm saying this because it's something I've felt for a very long time but have not found confirmation about.

What I am trying to say is that a stronger sense of self and Self, i.e. the experience of a greater emergence of both into each other and a more secure feeling about one's life's purpose actually engenders more love, kindness and generosity. This is because the stronger and more empowered you feel as a result of a true integration of life's lessons (as opposed to an inflated ego based on illusions about oneself and one's 'mission'), the less you feel a need to defend yourself. If at the same time you make a conscious effort to encounter your peers and your challenges with a positive frame of mind whenever possible, the more it will become a second nature to you. After all, new tracks have to be created in the brain...

Love is not something one has to force. If one is willing to allow it to grow and blossom in a natural way, then it will. Follow your intuition and create objects that inspire love in you wherever you happen to be. Have a pet (there's nothing like feeling adored due to the good feelings you are instilling in this little creature!). Spend a little on flowers. Try and avoid dwelling on injustice - resolve it as quickly as you can and then get on with your life. Try not to take things personally - most criticism reflects the critic more than you. Try and do things that make you feel creative and accomplished. Find places where you can generate kindness without having to worry about whether people want it or not (I find this part quite tricky, since I often feel that my gifts are not wanted). I have for instance found that photo sharing sites on the internet are good places in which to make other people feel good about themselves. Sit down and browse images you like and give comments. It's a guaranteed kick to make you feel better too. When you feel rejected or ignored by others (which again is a feeling that is very normal in this world and I tend to feel it all the time), try and let go of it in a conscious way. Sometimes you may need to bring your hurting feelings out, but I would suggest that you try not to pressure the other party to respond to them the way you expect them to. I know from experience that this is really hard... But practice makes a master. Some people are willing to do this work with you. You will find that someone who is able to 'take' a little more than others.

There are still a few things people can do even if they don't have any money. In fact I would recommend that we try and forget issues regarding money transactions as much as possible. This is for the simple reason that money is a highly charged subject that can cause a whole series of negative feelings and events like ripples on the surface of the water. When I am being bombarded with the assertive tactics of salespeople I get very cranky and confused, because they may be tempting me to buy something that I really want, yet I feel that their strategies are not morally sound and that maybe I should have no part in it even if the end result might be fun for me. While I am not against the fact that we must sometimes pay for services, I am trying to practice discernment about the ways in which this should happen so that no one involved feels distress about it. This may very well be the reason that I've been poor for a great part of my adult life. I am trying to figure out ways of getting around these moral dilemmas. And sure enough, when I can have some fun for free or for a very reasonable charge, I feel happy! (Ok, I am sad I don't have my own credit card but I am grateful my father trusts me enough to allow me to have one in his name...). But anyway, this joy is sure to spread like ripples as well! So let's forget (metaphorically speaking) about the super packaged goods in the supermarkets and go for the simplicity of an old time country market. Let's also be mindful about the issue of greed. Wouldn't you agree?

Artwork: Digita Abstract Photograph by author, copyright 2008

Respecting Other People's Paths And Not Making Undue Assumptions!

This is a reaction to a message that came to me late one night and that upset me quite a bit. But I released the frustration and am now blessing those who in their ignorance hurt others. I apologize if my wording seems harsh but I just wanted to say 'stop, no more!' in a way that would hopefully be noticed, lol.

We live in times of great changes, and anyone who is open and willing to accept the higher frequencies will feel that their energies are changing. So am I. I have also got a lot of answers lately to why my life has been the way it has been, and have also learned many things regarding my true identity. But we all have bad days despite the increase of flow in our lives. It thus saddens me incredibly that there are still people who think that they can give me some kind of 'gift' by telling me how to lead my life and indicating that I am stagnated and negative and not open to change within myself. I am anything but! However, just from one little sentence (and I am not exaggerating!) some people think they can deduce a whole enormous array of implications... it's really mindblowing how the imagination of some can take off from just a tiny little sentence!

So... Do not lecture, do not patronize. Do not assume that you know things about someone else and then use it against them to prove your own 'excellency' and 'expertise', as a 'missionary'. Do you see what I mean? Do I need to explain it any further? I hope not! Something to this effect came to me late last night and really upset me as I was trying to wind down and deal with my insomnia. Yes, some things don't change that fast and one is my insomnia! However, if anyone attacks me furthermore, I will ask them to take a look at their own selves and whether maybe they are projecting onto me their own inability to change, and that maybe they are feeling inadequate so they have a need to feel superior (equally, I look at my own life and try and see whether there is any reason why I attract such a thing into my own life and what I can learn from it). Please, use the term 'I am the change' with some prudence ok? To really be what you want to be is a step further from the words. I bless everyone on their paths and wish them all the very best so long as they don't mess with mine (gently laughing).

Artwork: "The Rise And Fall Of Human Vanity", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008

When Your Honesty Is Being Used Against You

This is a time of honesty and straigth talk, I'm sure many would agree! The following I am writing because I still have trouble with people wanting to bend me to their will and exert some kind of power over me so that I will succumb to their creed. Since I won't accept it I become an even more covetable object, I guess... I wish I had happy and joyful things to write about at the moment. The truth is life is different than it was a few months ago and I certainly feel how change is vibrating within us and in our entire collective space... But when all this light is coming towards us, the dark issues are being revealed, and they need to be dealt with somehow. I can see that this change is especially tough for all those who sense it but don't know why they are feeling so crabby... and these people will pour their unease onto others around them, do their daily work badly, struggle with depression, lash out at anyone they are in touch with, cause havoc and more suffering... and these people don't necessarily mean to, however cannot help it since the feelings they are struggling with are so overpowering. We live in times of great uncertainty, and so holding onto our compassion in these times when we might be unduly attacked or mistreated seems truly important.

There are things we encounter in our daily lives that are not necessarily of evil, yet they are of ignorance. And the ways of the ignorant can also be smart and sneaky, especially when it is disguised as spiritual in character. This means that these people are like traditional missionaries whose compulsion and conviction is to convert those who do not comply with a certain religion, since only the redeemed ones can be right. There is a lot of victim energy in the air and so it has become very easy and popular to use the 'victim' stance as an argument against people who have a hard time. Victims need to be saved, right?

I have been recommended a book about such issues and will read it when I have time. For now, I want to say a few words about my own experiences with subtle manipulation and mindgames. I would suggest that people should be vigilant when dealing with people who say some of the following:

"Well, somebody has to tell you the truth about yourself"
"I am your friend, the only one who will tell you what you really need to know about yourself"
"You are just like I was before I realized that I am creating my own reality and don't need to be depressed"
"I can see through your stories because you remind me exactly of X"
"In the end you will see that I am the only friend who will stick by you"
"It's okay to be nasty if it helps someone see the light"
"I can see through your victim stories but I still honor you"
"You're a great person and doing a great job, but I can see that you still haven't gotten it"
"I know that you will do X because I can see who you are"
"This is your best work"
"You're not looking for friends, you're looking for woundbuddies"
"You just want someone to feel sorry for you, but I won't do that because I am honest with you"
"I am just being honest. I have a right to be!"

"I feel compelled to tell you this (and it doesn't matter what you think about it)"
"If you don't give any you won't get any either"
"You get what you pay for"
"I can see that you are X but it's ok since you'll eventually get out of it - with my help"
"You obviously need to study a little more, but you'll get it, eventually"
"It's always about your feelings and no one else's"
"You need X so that you can be prepared for the future"
"I create my own reality and I will it to be happy, thus I allow no one to stand in my way"
"You are creating your own negative experience"
"Have you ever considered why you attract people who treat you badly?"
"If you write things online you can expect to attract all sorts of comments"
"Your condition is a good excuse to stay in a victim mode"
"If you don't accept my gift of love something is wrong with you"
"I know you will respond to this because you can't help it, I know what you're like"

...and on and on it goes, some of it being very subtle and hard to detect (and makes more sense in a context rather than outside of one as presented here.) Does any of this resonate with your experiences? Do you sometimes feel that as soon as you're being open and honest, the vultures come and pick on you so that you close off like a clam? Now if this continues, how are we ever going to heal this planet and its inhabitants? Right now, honesty is hardly ever being rewarded. The only feedback available is often very harsh and negative, aimed to turn your beliefs against you so that you start doubting yourself. The idea is usually to make the 'victim' in this drama dependent on the redeemer or rescuer, or simply to enhance the rescuers ego and give him/her the last word. I will write more some time later. I honestly think this is an important topic to contemplate in these times of upheaval.

Artwork: "The Refuge", collage on paper, copyright V-M C 2008