Monday, 30 June 2008
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
For a while I was getting verification that all my secret intuitions of this life were indeed signs of insight and knowledge and not haphazard. Things that I suspected but had no way of confirming are now coming true. However, now, most of the time, it's all just quiet... in an almost spooky, ominous way. Occassionally there are some new things coming in, information that is totally unexpected. Many of us are wallowing in a sea of uncertainty, where many basic things are really hard to deal with. Even staying put as Karen Bishop suggests is hard, because it enhances the feeling of waiting and the impatience that follows thereupon. I do feel very strongly that allowing things to be without the urge to control one's life with too much assertion is very important right now. This she has been suggesting as well, and I wholeheartedly agree. I feel guilty to feel anxious of all this emptiness and the need of holding back on things that I feel tempted to affect in one direction or another. But I think there is nothing else we can do at this time. I thought I knew about all this already but apparently the sense of urgency and energetic infiltration is ever more present and causing ever more inner pressure! There is not much to hold onto and this we must accept! The new cannot enter unless we stop seeking ways of releasing our anxiety instead of releasing our old life!
All I can say is... be careful what you wish for, and what you think of yourself... I hope this artwork brings some thoughts to mind. It's called "Who Will Get The Rose?" (collage on paper 2008, all rights reserved).
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Here is an example. I was recently invited to become a writer for some kind of e-zine or whatever it was, but they didn't accept my first submission because in their mind the energy level wasn't high enough. I see... so truth is not an issue, only happy faces? It's important to be positive but we need to be real too, for goodness sakes! Ok, I admit the article in question was an old one and so maybe it's best buried and forgotten. However, I especially didn't like the way 'energy' was being used as an argument. If this sort of thing continues, it starts to resemble some kind of spiritual fascism where 'arian' is simply interchanged with 'high energy' or '5D frequencies'. I spot 'danger' here! Don't you? Way too many times have I encountered people who truly believe that spiritual elitism is okay.
Ok first, 'energy' has become a household word that most people understand even though it is not related to the physical definition of it. The 'dimension' thing (5D and above) is quite new to me and I never read any stuff about such things back in the 90's when I was still reading. Certainly it is a kind of illusion, and I guess I've more or less settled with a view that it 'kind' of exists. Really it's a tool more than anything else. I don't like how the ideas of 3D, 4D and 5D become jargon, but the truth is... sometimes we don't have much of a choice as language is limited and our perception also. I figure dimension is a reasonably useful word for categorizing various states of being. but it has been somewhat useful for me to use it as a tool for thinking and understanding that 3D corresponds with the typical Earth experience (very physical and unfortunately one in which people usually have to fake their identity) and 5D corresponds with my higher self.
I believe that residing in a state of being that corresponds with 5D allows us to be aware of the underlying unity and who we truly are. However it really throws me when people are using the various dimensions in the form of a jargon to enhance their sense of self-importance and belittle those who are not yet aware of that dimension. We ARE all one so at the bottom of the illusion we are living there is unquestionable equality and Oneness. Thus we all reside in all the dimensions that exist but perceiving them differently. Note that ascension would from this perspective mean a change of perception and attitude, not a tangible 'rising' of sorts.
I also don't like the way Oneness has become jargon, it's easy enough to talk about it but experiencing it is quite another issue.
I also sometimes feel that if I don't attract abundance in my life right now I had better put a bullet through my head.
Anyway... this little incident with the writer's site also caused a series of self-doubts within me.
I admit that some of the questions I started to pose myself were in fact warranted, but some of them made me more confused than I needed to be. Because of this project I had created another blogspace (this one in fact) which I also planned to use as a home for old blogs that originated from a site I left recently. I was thinking that there will always be people who will be in the same or a similar spot as I was in at the time being. However, as I looked at them more closely they didn't strike me as very relevant to who I am today, and so I started to feel embarrassed about putting them out there. Then I thought of editing them but saw that they were tied to a certain time period in my life and difficult to transcribe into a new form. At this point I was starting to feel stressed. I was wondering if I really wanted to be writing short 'pieces of wisdom and experience' (sic) to the general public anymore. What if the new me will be crucified when the old me was only being stoned?
Truth to say, I don't really feel like putting up a fake front of joy and happiness right now. (That has nothing to do with who I 'really' am though!) Life is damn hard at this moment in time and I don't think it's much easier for most people who are for real (or not aware of what is really going on). All around me I see chaos (a lot of incompetence and irritability in the most unlikely places in every day life!), and find that my own personal life is the least chaotic of all, haha. It didn't always used to be that way and so I am thinking, hey, I am really not doing all that bad! Should I be listening to the opinions of people who have no idea what my life has been like and what I have achieved? Of course not. And now I'm talking about people in general, not just the people at the spiritual site I mentioned in relation to my writing.
It's so easy to resort to clichés like 'you are attracting this or that because you are X'. In fact, it can easily be part of a jargon in which people try and prove that you're inferior, and I shun anything that smells of competition. All I want is just to share stuff as friends do. I have been looking around the spiritual communities on the internet and in the real world enough to know that times are rough for a lot of people and I think it's enough to stick with that and stop causing guilt in ourselves or others. I for one feel immensely tired of the human games and the ego tripping that abounds. Unfortunately I'm not yet strong enough to react with pure love and compassion at all times. It's not that I am not compassionate, it's that all this is too overwhelming.
I get messages about not allowing myself to be bogged down by other people's negative experiences anymore. This to me is the hardest lesson of all. How do I retain a sense of compassion without sucking up all the energy of those who suffer? I used to feel attracted to Mahayana Buddhism due to their pertinence regarding this particular question, and now I know why! I felt so drawn to the ideal of the Bodhisattva (the Buddha who postpones his or hers final enlightenment in order to come and assist Earth people time and time again) but didn't quite know why... It agitated me to be one but it also agitated me not to know if I was some kind of being like that or not!
I would like to point out, that many people will tell an empath that it is not okay to feel 'too much' for someone else. According to common psychology, this could be an indicator of borderline or childhood traumas relating to the caretakers. It is of my opinion that it doesn't have to be! You know the answer. Again, if I had believed everthing people told me about myself I would probably not be here to day.
For now, I simply don't know how to strike a balance between compassion and detachment, though I do think I will solve the problem eventually with a little help from a friend and our guides. I have to say that it is counter to my belief to avoid those who have a bad time. However, in the end this is maybe not the real question here. What I mean is... I have a tendency to go and die a martyr's death if it seems necessary at the time, but this doesn't necessarily mean there is anything badly wrong with me. It may only be an indicator that I am compassionate and in this life in order to assist certain beings (this is what I have come to believe). However, now is the time when I need to gather strength for the times to come so that I can be of real help when asked to assist. There are times when we are simply wasting our energies for no real good at all or waiting far too long for the results to show, and times when we can actually do something of value. Now seems to be the time to start discerning between the two case scenarios.
I have to be aware of not carrying other people's burdens. When it comes to my near ones this is where it becomes truly difficult. It also becomes difficult when people confront me with assertive and impertinent energies. The point is how to keep walking up the stairs so that we can be strong and good examples to those who follow later. Just as I was thinking that my compassion is finally showing outwards, I had to revise the way that I am using it in my life...
I don't know if others recognize this dilemma but to me it's a major turning point or a defining issue. It also means that I cannot be there for someone I care for very much. I feel that am not in our joint enterprise for the right reasons. I can't confront this person with my reasoning right now because they don't have the capacity to recieve it. And so I am having to wait... with a bleeding heart because I cannot express how I feel but also cannot feel what I would like to express. That is, for the time being.
Later addition: One thing that someone pointed out to me is the talk of 'boomeritis' which in fact is a generation of people who have become incredibly narcissistic. The idea was that everyone respects each other's truths and no one takes the lead, so no evolution happens, it's just status quo. I'd say this connects to the idea of self-enhancement since it then becomes totally ok to bring out all your asssets and a little more. This is a very typical American phenomenon and just saw a bit of an interview with the famous American literary critic Harold Bloom saying something along those lines but in a profane context. Everything has to be exaggerated and over-zealous, but where does that take us? Someone always has to be on top behind the scenes even if on the outside, everyone accepts that everyone else is fighting for the highest position. See what I mean? It's a viscious cirlce I guess. I was brought up in a totally different atmosphere where any kind of self-enhancement is looked upon with disdain, 'don't you dare think you're anything and better than others', lol. To brag about one's credentials is really a deadly sin over here. I have trouble believing that these tendencies will disappear over night... How can we acquire a real and authentic sense of equality?
Artwork: "Choose Your Friends Wisely" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008
Monday, 16 June 2008
Thursday, 12 June 2008
The feeling of having a divided self was evident when I was young and had closed off my emotional life. However, later on when I started to open up to feelings, it became evident that there was still some kind of division going on within myself. I know now that it's because I was having to reside in two dimension at the same time and that I had a 'double vision' in a spiriutal sense which allowed me to view people from a lower point of view as well as a higher point of view. It means that while I was able to see the ego issues I was also aware of the deeper and more truthful persona behind them. These two are existentially speaking equal as portrayed in my artwork above. I think this is why the idea of forgiveness never resonated with me though I tried to be a good girl and understand what people meant when they were insisting that I had to forgive those who hurt me! How can forgiveness be an issue when you understand that people act out of ignorance and a false ego? And also, how can it be an issue if you sense that the persona that you have taken on in this life time is not the real Self, and thus the hurt is a form of illusion? I don't mean to say I am insensitive to hurt, on the contrary, only that I don't find a need to do any rituals of forgiveness. I am saying this because I know it's a big issue for many, but it's not an issue for all of us.
I have chosen to live in the 3D reality in order to experience what other human beings experience, and I think it's because this is the only way to true compassion. It is also the only way in which I can transmit my experiences in a way that makes sense to human beings. I don't see how there could be a more constructive way of growing in spirit? Yet, as I said, I've had to also realize that taking on everyone else's problems energetically is no longer serving a purpose. I assume that the lesson was learned. And as Karen Bishop points out, now is the time to allow others to make up their own minds about how they want to live their lives and wake up to their own reality without somebody else influencing them to do so. It is very hard for me to see my American friend struggle so much with his issues, since I feel utterly helpless and scared of adding to his burden in any way. For instance, as I break down in tears because of all this, it is only making his situation worse. So somehow I have to let go and try and focus on my own clearance and my own spiritual path.
Issues of communication have also been very much on my mind lately. While the loving way seems to be the only truly acceptable way and aggression can not really be defended from any deeply spiritual point of view, in the 3D reality I've found that there are times when you have to be firm and assertive so that people don't continue to trespass your boundaries. Sometimes, you have to say "NO!" with force... (Sometimes you even have to enter a warzone, though I'll leave that subject aside for now.) For instance, the only way that I can protect myself from my mother's abuse of alcohol has been to give her an ultimatum: either she is sober when we meet, or she loses her only daughter. There are instances where I've looked through my fingers but this doesn't mean that I haven't gotten hurt and felt sad and drained from her insensitive behaviour. This is the reason why at the moment I am not in touch with her at all. I presume it will not last forever but it all depends on her own inner process. While I have to accept that I am lonelier than ever, I have at least been given the solace of my real soul sister, who suddenly appeared in my life. Though we live as far apart as me and the man I've been trying to build a relationship with, she is at least there for me and vice versa thanks to modern day technology. Karen Bishop talks of the reunion of families and friends, and so maybe this is my version of this kind of occurrence since I have lost most other people who used to be part of my life.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Now what I am really getting at is the way that greediness and a belief in 'lack' is ruling the world of today. Remember, I live in Finland and am not used to aggressive sales techniques at all. However, almost every day now I receive offers to change my telephone line for a cheaper one or special offers on magazine subscriptions and the like, and the tone of voice and approach is more assertive than ever before. I made a vow not to make contracts on the phone after I had some trouble with one regarding the internet connection that I made last year. Although everything turned out ok in the end, I was stressed about it for months.
One day I finally fell right into a trap, though. I was obviously feeling overly optimistic and confident that good things will be coming my way, since this is one of the messages that keeps coming to me in various ways. Although it is correct that we should have faith and a positive outlook in order to attract a better future, it is in reality very hard to keep a proper balance with the feet well on the ground. We must of course also be aware, that this is a time of extreme economic upheaval on a global level, and therefore the collective desperation of people who wish to have a better life at whatever cost is also greater than ever before. This results in all sorts of aggressive attacks on the individual to pay for this, pay for that... prizes are forever soaring and the poor are getting poorer due to all the psychological pressure. Capitalism is reaching its farthest extreme. I have to admit I that find that all the talk of opening up to abundance can sometimes cause more confusion, and maybe even mess with one's personal intuition and discernment. Again, I am not saying that it is all wrong. Yes, we do need to remove the sense of lack that most of us seem to be carrying deep inside. However, this is not going to happen just through wishful thinking and by succumbing to all the great 'offers' that are out there in the world (whether they be a promise of better health, economy or status). Unfortunately, most people who are concerned with the making of money will have very little concern of an altruistic kind.
So... I am relatively naive when it comes to the aggressive nature of many salespeople. Where I come from, this has not been such a blatant problem until very recently. My culture supports freedom of choice and most of all, people don't like to be pushy. In America, on the other hand, selling is an art all its own. And so when I was called up yesterday and offered an opportunity to take part in the green card lottery for the USA if I paid so and so much, I succumbed. How could I be so stupid as to agree to all this ON THE PHONE??? Well, one thing is that other people's money problems have been in the air to an extent that I feel completely suffocated by them, and I've started to be careless about my own financial assets. The collective is obviously also experiencing big issues on this level and all this is pressing hard on the individual's psyche. All the talk about needing to be open to abundance also undermined some of my normal caution (though some of it is of course for the better). I also misunderstood the service I was given and somehow thought that I am paying for something that would come up later anyway if I move to the USA. This is connected to the fact that it is very hard to figure out exactly how you can enter the country legally. I also did not know that there is a lottery that is free of charge, as this was never pointed out to me during the intense and skillfully managed conversation. Thus... I fell for the flattering and encouraging words that were offered me. After a sleepless night with an enormous knot in my stomach I tried to cancel the deal, because in reality I might literally have to starve if I am to pay off this money from my credit card for the next few months.
So my message to those interested is to encourage the use of our commonsense during these times of upheaval. The act of balance is precarious. We need to be open and hopeful, but not gullible and naive. Nor should we succumb to greed while mistaking the quest for abundance for a chase for money. Keep in mind that abundance means many things, not only money in the bank. And it is a mindset more than anything else. At least for now...
The lady in question finally called, and bombarded me as expected with arguments to support their cause and make me look like an idiot for not having simply hung up the phone if I didn't understand what was going on, if the conversation was too fast for me or I knew I couldn't pay for their service. I said that what they told me was not a lie, but that they also did not tell me the whole truth (e.g. that there is another option that is free of charge). 'Well you obviously wanted this very much or otherwise you would not have paid for it right away!', she argued. I couldn't help starting to sob as I tried to appeal to her human side: "Yes, that is the problem, I wanted it very much, too much so, and therefore I couldn't think clearly about the money situation'. Apparently trying to appeal to someone's human side in a situation like this is not conducive to any changes...
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Somewhere deep inside I have come to feel that the worst is over now and so I can let go of some of the fear I was feeling for many years when I sensed that I had many challenges and learning lessons ahead of me. Whether things will really be easier from now on or whether the difference is in my attitude, is hard to tell. I have learned recently that I am just as much an intuitive empath as I suspected, and it helps to re-establish my sense of self-worth. My past relationship took a great toll on me since my sensitivity was highly criticized. Now I need to re-instate a sense of empowerment and reclaim my right to be a highly sensitive person. I hope that somehow I will be given the tools to bring in more clarity on this issue. As it is, it is still hard for me to tell what is what - when I am worried I am not always sure it is because I sense a real problem or because I am being paranoid due to past conditioning. I so hope that someone or something will help me out of this confusion (unless I come up with the solution by myself, of course, which is what usually happens). I need to somehow be very clear on what to do when the end of summer arrives and I have to decide whether I should leave my apartment for good and how to do it. As it is, right now I have no way of validating the relationship that is calling me to leave my country and settle in America instead. It makes me feel inadequate, although I am really just being realistic and aware that true love needs a growing ground in order to flourish. Opening my heart to someone is not something I take lightly at all. Who knows, maybe what to other human beings may seem like flaws in me really are my strengths and things that I should embrace as valuable assets... I am sure that many are realizing the same these days. It is time to stop trying to fit in and making ourselves smaller than we really are just because of peer pressure from our social environment. Of course I am not advocating some silly ego tripping in which we go out with our 'truths' and impose them on the unsuspecting people out there in the world...
What really happens when we stabilize our sense of self and come to greater clarity about who we really are, is not some kind of vague loss of ego and slavery in the service of the greater forces. I remember how the idea of enlightenment always bothered me while I was into studying transpersonal theories and mysticism back in the '90s. Something just didn't really seem right. Although I embraced Mahayana Buddhism to a very great extent and especially felt kinship with the ideal of the Bodhisattva (Avalokiteshvar or Quan Yin), I just couldn't see myself as someone who would disappear into the Source in order to start all over (in a manner of speaking). What is now being brought out under the umbrella called 'ascension' actually helps me realize that the traditional way of enlightenment is not necessarily the only way of becoming free from the obligation or desire to return to Earth (Samsara). What makes much more sense to me is that I do indeed personify some form of Bodhisattva ideal but that my work on Earth may be finished by the time it is my time to go for good. Ok, I'm saying this because it's something I've felt for a very long time but have not found confirmation about.
What I am trying to say is that a stronger sense of self and Self, i.e. the experience of a greater emergence of both into each other and a more secure feeling about one's life's purpose actually engenders more love, kindness and generosity. This is because the stronger and more empowered you feel as a result of a true integration of life's lessons (as opposed to an inflated ego based on illusions about oneself and one's 'mission'), the less you feel a need to defend yourself. If at the same time you make a conscious effort to encounter your peers and your challenges with a positive frame of mind whenever possible, the more it will become a second nature to you. After all, new tracks have to be created in the brain...
Love is not something one has to force. If one is willing to allow it to grow and blossom in a natural way, then it will. Follow your intuition and create objects that inspire love in you wherever you happen to be. Have a pet (there's nothing like feeling adored due to the good feelings you are instilling in this little creature!). Spend a little on flowers. Try and avoid dwelling on injustice - resolve it as quickly as you can and then get on with your life. Try not to take things personally - most criticism reflects the critic more than you. Try and do things that make you feel creative and accomplished. Find places where you can generate kindness without having to worry about whether people want it or not (I find this part quite tricky, since I often feel that my gifts are not wanted). I have for instance found that photo sharing sites on the internet are good places in which to make other people feel good about themselves. Sit down and browse images you like and give comments. It's a guaranteed kick to make you feel better too. When you feel rejected or ignored by others (which again is a feeling that is very normal in this world and I tend to feel it all the time), try and let go of it in a conscious way. Sometimes you may need to bring your hurting feelings out, but I would suggest that you try not to pressure the other party to respond to them the way you expect them to. I know from experience that this is really hard... But practice makes a master. Some people are willing to do this work with you. You will find that someone who is able to 'take' a little more than others.
There are still a few things people can do even if they don't have any money. In fact I would recommend that we try and forget issues regarding money transactions as much as possible. This is for the simple reason that money is a highly charged subject that can cause a whole series of negative feelings and events like ripples on the surface of the water. When I am being bombarded with the assertive tactics of salespeople I get very cranky and confused, because they may be tempting me to buy something that I really want, yet I feel that their strategies are not morally sound and that maybe I should have no part in it even if the end result might be fun for me. While I am not against the fact that we must sometimes pay for services, I am trying to practice discernment about the ways in which this should happen so that no one involved feels distress about it. This may very well be the reason that I've been poor for a great part of my adult life. I am trying to figure out ways of getting around these moral dilemmas. And sure enough, when I can have some fun for free or for a very reasonable charge, I feel happy! (Ok, I am sad I don't have my own credit card but I am grateful my father trusts me enough to allow me to have one in his name...). But anyway, this joy is sure to spread like ripples as well! So let's forget (metaphorically speaking) about the super packaged goods in the supermarkets and go for the simplicity of an old time country market. Let's also be mindful about the issue of greed. Wouldn't you agree?
We live in times of great changes, and anyone who is open and willing to accept the higher frequencies will feel that their energies are changing. So am I. I have also got a lot of answers lately to why my life has been the way it has been, and have also learned many things regarding my true identity. But we all have bad days despite the increase of flow in our lives. It thus saddens me incredibly that there are still people who think that they can give me some kind of 'gift' by telling me how to lead my life and indicating that I am stagnated and negative and not open to change within myself. I am anything but! However, just from one little sentence (and I am not exaggerating!) some people think they can deduce a whole enormous array of implications... it's really mindblowing how the imagination of some can take off from just a tiny little sentence!
So... Do not lecture, do not patronize. Do not assume that you know things about someone else and then use it against them to prove your own 'excellency' and 'expertise', as a 'missionary'. Do you see what I mean? Do I need to explain it any further? I hope not! Something to this effect came to me late last night and really upset me as I was trying to wind down and deal with my insomnia. Yes, some things don't change that fast and one is my insomnia! However, if anyone attacks me furthermore, I will ask them to take a look at their own selves and whether maybe they are projecting onto me their own inability to change, and that maybe they are feeling inadequate so they have a need to feel superior (equally, I look at my own life and try and see whether there is any reason why I attract such a thing into my own life and what I can learn from it). Please, use the term 'I am the change' with some prudence ok? To really be what you want to be is a step further from the words. I bless everyone on their paths and wish them all the very best so long as they don't mess with mine (gently laughing).
I have been recommended a book about such issues and will read it when I have time. For now, I want to say a few words about my own experiences with subtle manipulation and mindgames. I would suggest that people should be vigilant when dealing with people who say some of the following:
"Well, somebody has to tell you the truth about yourself"
"I am your friend, the only one who will tell you what you really need to know about yourself"
"You are just like I was before I realized that I am creating my own reality and don't need to be depressed"
"I can see through your stories because you remind me exactly of X"
"In the end you will see that I am the only friend who will stick by you"
"It's okay to be nasty if it helps someone see the light"
"I can see through your victim stories but I still honor you"
"You're a great person and doing a great job, but I can see that you still haven't gotten it"
"I know that you will do X because I can see who you are"
"This is your best work"
"You're not looking for friends, you're looking for woundbuddies"
"You just want someone to feel sorry for you, but I won't do that because I am honest with you"
"I am just being honest. I have a right to be!"
"I feel compelled to tell you this (and it doesn't matter what you think about it)"
"If you don't give any you won't get any either"
"You get what you pay for"
"I can see that you are X but it's ok since you'll eventually get out of it - with my help"
"You obviously need to study a little more, but you'll get it, eventually"
"It's always about your feelings and no one else's"
"You need X so that you can be prepared for the future"
"I create my own reality and I will it to be happy, thus I allow no one to stand in my way"
"You are creating your own negative experience"
"Have you ever considered why you attract people who treat you badly?"
"If you write things online you can expect to attract all sorts of comments"
"Your condition is a good excuse to stay in a victim mode"
"If you don't accept my gift of love something is wrong with you"
"I know you will respond to this because you can't help it, I know what you're like"
...and on and on it goes, some of it being very subtle and hard to detect (and makes more sense in a context rather than outside of one as presented here.) Does any of this resonate with your experiences? Do you sometimes feel that as soon as you're being open and honest, the vultures come and pick on you so that you close off like a clam? Now if this continues, how are we ever going to heal this planet and its inhabitants? Right now, honesty is hardly ever being rewarded. The only feedback available is often very harsh and negative, aimed to turn your beliefs against you so that you start doubting yourself. The idea is usually to make the 'victim' in this drama dependent on the redeemer or rescuer, or simply to enhance the rescuers ego and give him/her the last word. I will write more some time later. I honestly think this is an important topic to contemplate in these times of upheaval.
Artwork: "The Refuge", collage on paper, copyright V-M C 2008