Monday, 25 August 2008


I woke up on Friday with a great feeling of anxiety. Turns out that someone who pretends to be a guru of sorts (???) had commented on some innocent questions I had regarding his article on depression. Boy do I regret having written anything more than the very barest of words. I wanted to know where I can find out about the difference between real and 'spiritual' depression, which was the subject of the article. Instead I was bombarded with the typical "look at your own words and what kind of life you're creating". I truly resent anyone telling me how I should think in order to fix my problems - even less so when it's totally unsolicited. I think it's very scary that some people who are not professionals, give "advice" regarding medical problems. A depressed person could indeed create a very sad "life" (meaning death) as a result of someone's harsh comment. You might feel very hopeless if you're trying your damnest and not manifesting health and prosperity the way many New Age people think you should.

I wrote a private e-mail to this guy and you know what he did? He actually published it for everyone to see. While his idea was that I should see what I have written (which he could have done in private if he had been a compassionate being), it was obvious that all he wanted was to ridicule me in front of other people. This is both unethical and even against the law, since my identity was there for all to see. This put me in a state of shellshock: once more my private space had been violated.

I knew that I would have to follow up on it. I declared I was leaving the site altogether but I wasn't throwing out dramatic exclamations in order to get attention and compassion. That's also why I kept it short. I simply had enough, as this is not first of mental attacks that I've had to deal with. Now regardless, many have come forth and given me various points of view. Some of them I do not agree with in the least. Some dismissed me as overdramatic and told me in a presumptious way that "you think everyone is against you". Someone used a manipulative and patronizing language such as "the vibes that I pick up from you tell me...." and then comes a whole array of what my problems obviously are and why do I keep bickering when I claim to want peace. Since the whole discussion was obviously about me though no one wanted to admit it, I just said "So that you'd have something to vent about, why else?".

Some on the other hand were very much along the lines of what I feel called to stand for. At some point I almost had to laugh when it dawned on me how relative people's perception of a person is. As someone else whom I respect was talking about my "lovely energies" I concluded that no one out there in the world can nail me down or categorize me. This left me in a more empowerd state of mind and I started to feel warrior-like energy.

It almost seemed like the whole site was suddenly divided in two camps. In some rather sorry/funny way I see this as exemplary of the dualism of this level that we are all struggling to understand and overcome - well, at least MANY of us do have to 'struggle' in one way or another. I am but a button in a big board game. Do I think it would be important for me stay? Well, I do appreciate that some people think it might be. But who knows? Maybe I am really creating unsolicited havoc where a lot of people prefer to lull in Lala land. ("If we all pretend really, really hard then the bad things will go away and we will all be in paradise"!) I feel very driven to stand up for compassion and simple, humanitarian values that have always existed and will always exist as long as we are human beings if even only close to who we are right now, as a collective.

I don't particularly like to be the target of people's varied opinions, especially when they are not respectful and kind and cause me tremendous stress. It seems to be something some people just are. Because they create a crappy life for themselves? Well, I don't think anyone would say that about Jesus though he had to hang on a cross... or to take a slightly less dramatic example, Socrates who drank poison because his peers did not support his views on freedom of speech and the idea that everyone should think for themselves rather than follow the dictation of authorities like a flock of sheep. I am not saying I am on the level of these guys, only that I think I know why they and many other have felt a need to sacrifice themselves for something bigger than the individual. I will continue to do the work as I feel driven to, yet I wonder if staying here and trying to fit in with a community is really helping anything at all.

I am not really mainstream in the arena called the New Age and so it's probably to be expected that those who like to be mainstream will not tolerate my points of view. I am very sorry about this dilemma since I have learned a lot from being here and have met some really great people. I would rather get it all over and done with as quickly as possible but I am trying to think what is truly the best thing to do. So for those who wonder why I am still here, it is about a difficult choice for me. Taking a simple break may not work for me, as it never really has in the past. That is why I said I will leave. If I do stay it will be in order to attempt a break nonetheless, some form of golden middle path. I am not one that likes to remain silent, but I just might have to. After all, the people who are out there the most with all their opinions and creeds, are the ones who want to show off. As someone did say, even if no one says anything, they are not dumb and do read inbetween the lines. I certainly hope so! I have wanted to participate and help but I guess I will stop wasting my time and energy on internet boards.

Perhaps I have become too desillusioned and need to collect myself so as to believe that what is going on is just purging in every sense of the word, and nothing I should take personally. I also need to hold onto faith that one day, we will all be able to co-laborate. Of course I realize, that each and everyone has some responsibility in that sense, since it's a matter of energy that we send out into the world.

In some areas my self-confidence is still a bit low and so I do get hurt. My health is also an issue, as it adds to my oversensitive nature. Oh I certainly believe that pain and other symptoms can be relieved, but I wish that people would understand and respect that my condition is irreversible unless I get a spine- and body transplant... My life and condition, as well as my mind, does leave me particularly open to cyber bullying, and so I can understand why I tend to attract these kind of people. It is not right though and I wish more people had the audacity to stand up for justice in this area, in all locations. Rather than ask what you want to manifest, I'd ask; what kind of person do you choose to be? But that's just how I see things.

Artwork: "As Long As There Is Life There Is Hope", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008


  1. Hmmm....He is going to have to deal with his own little nagging guilt. I tried to click on that post but it read page error on that site.

  2. Hiya! Thanks for reading! :-) Well, turns out the guy left the site and so there was no real closure, and I took away the link as the blog is gone. I don't feel that I did anything wrong and so I feel relief and a certain empowerement, though no spite. Yes, lessons are being learned; I guess both got what they needed at the time, as hard as it may feel... I would certainly be happy about apologies and closures, but unfortunately most people who have closed their hearts and work only out of their mind and choose to pick on those they think of as weak, will never agree to this. Sadly. But the happy news is, sometimes those who appear weak are not! ;-)