What Secret?

I suppose that the craze surrounding the book and film The Secret is wearing off, but I still feel like presenting a few thoughts about the whole thing. When it came out, I went online and looked at the movie trailor and the author's website - at least I think it was her. I didn't like the hyped up energy and the way the woman in question was fixated on money. "I became a millionaire, and then a billionaire - all thanks to The Secret" I recall being her statement. Well yes... a nicely wrapped up ultra positive New Age book that encourages people to catch at a straw in a world full of stress and uncertainty is likely to get a lot of buyers. It screamed sensationalism to me. Anyway, I finally got a chance to get the book out of the library as it had been translated to Swedish. I was curious to see what exactly is in it, though I had a hunch from the very start that there was nothing that special about the concept of the law of attraction. Here is what I think.

First of all, notice that the message is packaged in a romantic sort of way that is sure to appeal to a lot of people. It reminds me of The Da Vinci Code. One thing that immediately struck me as phoney was the way the author makes references to people of the past and claims that they all knew about the secret. Where is the evidence? There is none. All that you get are some very obscure quotes by some of the people listed (Einstein, Emerson and so on) that tell you absolutely nothing and that probably were retracted from a context that had nothing to do with the message of this book. She also claims that all these famous thinkers and scientists owed their success to knowing the secret. In other words, they believed their way to success. Come on! It sure takes a bit of talent and education as well! Really! The book is really talking to us as if we are children who need to be convinced that the author knows what she's talking about and we have no right to contest this because we're somehow lesser knowing. Another thing that made me raise my eyebrows was the loose way of using the term "Spirit". The author claims that spirit is like the genie in the bottle, all ready and prepared to fulfil all of your most ardent wishes. Later on there is some talk about humans really being equal to God and thus in the position of creating the reality they want, but it's really not very good literature. Spirit as I understand it is way beyond our comprehension and certainly a very active part of existance, rather than a passive force that a human ego can control and demand.

I was a bit taken aback that the universe was likened to a postorder catalogue. All you have to do is choose your wish and send out the order. While I don't necessarily object to the profanity of the metaphor, I do think that it brings down a very complex process to a very banal level. What I feel is that there is nothing all that wrong with the concept about the law of attraction per se, the problem is that it's only representing a narrow scope of reality. Perhaps it does act as an eye opener to people who have never thought in terms of spiritual "truths" before. What I see as problematic is that people usually get stuck on the most obvious statements of this truth such as "abundance is your birthright" and "you must only think positive thoughts and make sure you're state of mind is always one of happiness and well being". These act as life buoys in an uncertain world and tend to freeze into dogmas. I have met people online who have been very eager to push these "truths" onto me although it actually does state in the book that you must never do that as it's only serving the ego. Other people have been very depressed because they failed to manifest their wishes and feel very guilty that they have negative thoughts. What I see as a big danger apart from egoistic self-gratification is severe self-blame! It actually does say in the book that you should embrace all of your feelings but it's not really coming out that clearly. The overshadowing statement is basically that you must not give into negative or doubtful thinking and feeling (this is being repeated many times though in fact there is a passage saying that one positive thought will outrule many negative ones...). This is a ticket to a very hyped up sort of positivity that is likely to undermine the work a person might be doing in order to attract what they want. You cannot command your subconscioius, negative undercurrents to disappear magically!

The bottomline is; you cannot make certain negative tendencies go away just by thinking positive thoughts. And what I really want to stress is that there is no short cut to deep insight and wisdom. I myself am the first to admit that I only learn the hard way! I simply cannot imagine myself going around faking my inner life to sound like a prayer wheel of repetitive, lovey dovey thoughts and feelings that are only about the wonderful things I have in this moment. "I have a lot of money, I have the perfect partner, I have perfect health..." are examples of the sort of affirmations that were actually very popular back in the early 1990s already. If it works for some; fine... obviously everyone must do what they feel is working for them. I just think that it would require an easily suggestive mind in order to work, and that it would feel highly unnatural. This is only my personal opinion, of course!

I think that a big problem with this sort of thinking is also the idea that all we need to do is know what we want and then ask for it. I believe that we rarely know what we truly need, and that this is way more important than wanting things. Of course, some people are here on Earth with a purpose of discovering ways in which they can attain a higher level of happiness and success, but if you're on a serious spiritual path I really don't see "wanting" as very relevant. I like to believe that I am always guided by the more higher spiritual part of me, and so whatever comes my way is there as a challenge that helps me gain a higher level of wisdom. I don't think we learn much of any value from a very easy life. If this was the case, we would probably not be on Earth, but in some other realm where there are less opportunities to experience the friction between polarities. Every dilemma that I manage to solve leaves me feeling more accomplished, and this is a deep experience that has little to do with the puny "little" self, the ego. Of course there is always the option of using spiritual insight as a way of growing the ego, but I think that the more humbled you are by life and the incredibly complex forces at work, the less likely you are to want that. I have to say that it wasn't long ago that I had an experience of surrendering part of my will to Spirit and it caused a surge of Kundalini (a strong energy current) in me.

I think that claiming that you can keep your weight only by thinking that you have your perfect weight is a bit strange. I understand the concept, and maybe it does work for some. In my case my weight depends on what I eat and how much I exercise. To manically focus on keeping it is not really my thing. I also have to say that I got through University because I believed I would. But I also got through it because it was quite important in terms of my self-esteem and my life's purpose. Manifesting something like that "just because" doesn't make any sense to me. There are also lots of people who believe they have tons of money and end up heavily indebted. Of course, if you really did what The Secret tells you would also make sure that you don't believe in being indebted or somehow change your energetic frequency to match a state of true abundance. But really... we can certainly try but how realistic is it that we would be able to juggle with so many elements that are actually subconscious, for the most part? Better, methinks, to just take a step at a time and see how things really work out on this level of reality..?

I also like to stress that people do need to talk about their own hardships, and not keep it all to themselves as The Secret suggests. It's simply very bad psychology! Dwelling on negative things incessantly is a different issue... still there's a time for everything. You also cannot force feelings of love so all the imperative talk about having to feel massive amounts of love all the time is not realistic either. First and foremost, be kind to yourself!

Some time ago I met someone who really fancied me. It seemed that I represented all the things that this guy had asked for (he confessed to having pleaded to the universe). However, there were other things there as well: I also brought a host of challenges into this guy's life. In the end he refused the good as well as the bad and went back to a more comfortable lifestyle. Perhaps I was a manifestation in this person's life? The thing is, that could very well be the case because we certainly are not islands and so oftentimes we act out a role that someone else is needing to experience. I'm sure I learnt important lessons from all this myself. But this person obviously didn't really know what he wanted, and so the scenario had to collapse. I also don't want to pretend to know exactly what was really involved in the drama. Only time and deep contemplation may reveal some of the reasons behind the encounter, but some of it may remain embedded in the unconscious forever. All I can do is try and do the right thing, which in my vocabulary means being intuitive and following thoughts and feelings with utter attention and discernment.

I also wish to give another example of the complexity of life. I became friends with a very nice woman in the spring and was hopeful about the contact. One day she texted me something very short and dismissive. I was quite hurt, and didn't hear from her all summer. Recently I deleted her from my list of Facebook friends. Suddenly I received a sincere apology from her. She was asking to be my friend and explained what exactly had happened. There was no reason for me not to accept the apology and so there is a chance that we will be able to carry on our deep conversations. But the point is; I didn't manifest her return, in fact I had negative thoughts about her. There was no direct law of attraction implied other than that me taking a decisive step made her realize that she was attracted enough to our friendship so as not to let it go!

Finally, I want to say that I think the law of attraction is really quite common sense (don't most of all realize already that we attract certain things into our lives depending on who we are?) and not some hushhush "secret"! Perhaps it's just me but I really like to live life in a natural way. To me it does not mean living an unconscious zombie like existance (cf. the state preceding the awakening suggested by The Secret), but being attentive to all that goes on inside and outside of me. It's relaxing into the real me the way this "me" is manifested by Spirit in this time and place. I don't want to control my environment or make other people become something that I want through some idea about manifesting the perfect people to surround you with. It's not easy, but that's my personal challenge.

Photo by author, all rights reserved 2009

Don't Be a Know-All!

True kindness will beat a piece of so-called "good advice" any time, and I am saying this without hesitation. People who have listened or shared my difficulties, who have bought me catfood or given me donations, have done more good than all the self-righteous people who were so eager to preach to me about all the things I should do and especially about the workings of the Law of Attraction. It strikes me that those who are full of good advice rarely say anything encouraging or positive about me. They may preach about the importance of being open and kind towards others but fail to display signs of true kindness and compassion themselves. Their advice is mostly a disguised form of patronizing reprimand that ultimately undermines one's own sense of dignity.

I am writing all this so that people would consider what it means to be a know-all and someone who does more harm through a lack of real knowledge about, and insight into, someone else's situation. I know that we all have a tendency to be this way at times when we wish to help but don't know how. Unfortunately, if we always excused this kind of behaviour as well-meaning babble, we'd remove the responsibility of each and every one to be a better co-human being. I will give an example from my own life, the way I usually do even though I risk being ridiculed. This is not because I have the strength to deal with personal attacks, though. I know it sounds contradictory but I'd like for people to understand someone like me. I have an illness that seriously undermines my ability to deal with adversity but I am a stubborn person who will not give away any of my integrity. Recently I've been wondering how on earth I can make this work for me. Even thinking about it wears me out.

Strange enough, there were three social events this week during which, for a change, I was able to meet people in real life. The first one went well and did help me relax and get away from my problems for a while. The other ones included a person that I don't know that well but I thought of as a nice and happy person, albeit somewhat self-centred. Thus, I was totally unassuming. Well, this lady who is over 20 years my senior started to try and convince me that I have to reply to dating ads in the newspaper read by our linguistic minority. There are times when I cut a contact short very fast because I sense that something is wrong and my integrity is being compromised. For instance, earlier this week I did this with a man online who started off on a flirtatious note but then changed from warm to cool in a matter of days. I knew I had done nothing wrong but when I mentioned this and asked what the deal is, he as many before him started to blame me by turning it around to look as if I was emotionally attached to him. I guess this is a game many men like to play, be it subconsciously or not. I can't accept it, though maybe it will keep me lonely for the rest of my life. I guess I should add that as stated in other blogs of mine I also cannot deal with the stress of unclear relationships. When I was listening to this lady though, I was unable to cut her short. Maybe part of me wanted to give her advice a chance. I know I tend to do this at times. But she was relentless and wouldn't take no for an answer when I didn't agree with her point of view. I tried to explain how stressful the past few years have been in terms of relationships so I'm not sure what risks I can take now, but she wasn't listening. She also figured I am too picky. She has no idea how much I've tried to accommodate to men in my past and lower my expectations, and how I've realized that I mustn't sell myself cheap. Among other things I said that I have enough of egotrippers but she told me straight in my face that I am obviously one too so I have to learn to take turns with someone else who is the same! I felt my heart beat faster and my face boil; signs of increasing stress. Those who heard all this clearly thought she was out of line. My mother said "Vivi-Mari is after all on disability for a reason..." but it didn't help much. In the end I tried to laugh it all off, though in fact my evening was ruined from having been reminded of such painful issues and the feeling that my personal experiences weren't acknowledged by the lady of monologues. I've said a thing or two about overly "positive" people before, but apparently I'm not done with it. There has to be a balance, but who these days is a truly balanced individual?

The following day the group was slightly different but the lady of the endless monologues was also there. After some stories that were somewhat amusing but contained a lot of name dropping and talk about her aristocratic environment she suddenly started to talk about how some people may be predestined to important tasks. I tried to say that viewpoints on such issues depend on each and every one's spiritual beliefsystem, but she didn't listen. Her eyes were almost bulging when she insisted that something is causing this predestination. Then she started to talk about my boyfriend issue again and gave me a whole range of pieces of advice about that and other things in life. Now she felt that I am looking for the prince on the white horse that would "save" me. I said sourly that I am intelligent enough not to believe that anyone would save me (though one naturally hopes someone would appear as a helping hand). No, now I had to listen to a sermon about how I should be looking for female friends instead, without knowing whether I have any or not! She assumed that I keep everyone at bay. I said that I always give new people a chance. "A chance??", she exclaimed. "Don't you realize what you're saying? A chance! Now that is telling..!". I attempted to explain that all it means, is that I try and be open about each new person who enters my life. Does it have to mean anything more than that? She didn't listen as usual but insisted that I'm closed off and unwilling to open up towards people, so no wonder I'm alone!

Now I think that it's pretty clear that when you are being bombarded with unsolicited advice you normally do get defensive. In my opinion this is what accounts for the "wall" she said she encountered in me. Maybe I should have been aggressive and stopped her right then and there but I am not able to in a social situation like that. I tried as usual to explain my situation a bit but she told me that I obviously don't want my situation to change since I'm so negative about her advice (implying anybody else's advice too, of course). She was totally convinced that I don't allow anyone close and that it was her job to make me realize that I need to let my guard down. In reality I am struggling not to give up on people and I am also struggling to change my life situation for the better. Really, I should just have yelled "who are you to judge me when you know nothing about me?!" but I was stunned and also unwilling to raise my voice in the company of the lovely hostess of this get together.

I was actually left alone with the argumentative lady for quite some time because the others went to smoke. My mother who was present for some of the time told me today that she did later reprimand this lady for having trespassed my boundaries big time and had also pointed out that I really am not emotionally nor physically equipped to withstand attacks on my integrity. In fact this lady is in the medical field, which probably only made her even more opiniated. It seems to be very hard for most people to understand that someone can lack any stress tolerance at all. I look normal and in general nothing gives me away. I don't exactly want to flag my condition since I'm trying to live as normal a life as possible. But the truth is I am ill. I eventually started to cry because there was nothing I could do to keep her from continuing to attack me. She then winced a bit and came to my side and said that she simply wants to help me when she sees how guarded and closed off I am... She talked about being a Rosen therapist and how I must consider therapy, but of course I would rather be offered a real session than be told to do something I cannot afford. She then left and the hostess came to check on me. The hostess said it's obvious that some people are very eager to pass on judgment and "good advice" without really knowing what the hell they are talking about. She doesn't know that much either but what I have said she has registered. I didn't want to make her upset about the incident in her home so I dried my tears and pretended that I was okay.

What was left of the evening was spent trying to make the insisting lady understand that I really cannot write much by hand anymore because I am ill, and also trying to explain about the internet to her while she kept saying she thinks it's all stupid and she doesn't understand why anyone would like to blog, participate online in forums or talk to strangers. I tried to bring out the idea that one sometimes has to learn how to draw one's lines online, especially someone like me. I'm a little too nice, serious-minded, over-sensitive and not able to cope with stress. This is a reality for all who have some form of fibromyalgia. My point was that I am having to learn to say no to a lot of people, but of course the plaguing lady had to turn that into a negative attitude as well!

When I biked home in the biting cold night I felt very tense and unhappy, when in fact the evening could have made a positive difference in my life. I was thinking how easily people like this can make reality tip over for someone who is depressed and suicidal. As a side note: fibromyalgia causes a form of depression that cannot be cured, but if one has supportive friends and family it's not always a problem. It took me most of the weekend to get over the feeling of physical weakness and distress that these two evenings had caused, though my mother's understanding and supportive words helped a bit. As I'm writing this my heart is starting to race again. I will end here but just remind everyone that you can never know what problems a person is battling with. Granted; the lady I've used as an example probably had some issue on her mind that made her go even more overboard than one could ever have expected. My odd life situation always triggers people and I don't know what to do other than become more guarded. But I should also add as a friend drew my attention to our inner fences and adjusting one's reactions, that I am working on trying not to get too affected by those who attack me. Most of the attacks are just emotional projections, but my stress is real enough.

Artwork: "Cake with Cream" or "Coucou", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Positive Versus Negative Thinking and Acting

I'm sure male readers will groan (my American male ex-friend did anyway) but I like to watch American Topmodel sometimes in order to study human behaviour. I also like the professional team and as an artist and the daughter of two professional photographers I like to follow their work. Anyway, last time all the American girls were picking on a girl whose parents were from France. They thought she was being negative because she was struck with fear and lost sight of her self-confidence for a moment. This was very typical of the kind of bickering that I have been involved with regarding the difference between Americans and Europeans. The French girl said in her defense that she thought she was merely expressing a mild form of realism. It made me smile, since that is how I'd describe my own attitude towards life. There are differences in between the European countries as well, for instance I have perceived the French as quite harsh and negative compared to the British. The Finnish attitude is more of a resigned depressive kind of attitude - a Senecan variety, perhaps. It's not always very healthy and often ends in suicide. However I do feel that if I have a bad day, no one will expect me to put on a forced smile. Discussing the difficult things in life has in general been easier here in Europe than it seems to be in America or online with American people.

Anyway, let me say this: picking on someone in the name of positivity because they are being perceived of as "negative" or something to that effect is not positive! There is also no evidence whatsoever that a society that holds onto what they think is a positive attitude is doing any better than one that has a more cautious approach to reality. In fact I saw a documentary which stated that people who are ever so slightly prone to depression are more diligent and observant workers than those who are overly optimistic. Last winter in the USA I was being indoctrinated about the wonderful ideals that American society rests upon by my ex-friend, and all I could say was that yes, it's all very nice but look at the country now. Right now we can only hope that America will find its way back to those beautiful ideals and overcome the strong dichotomies that seem to rule at the time being. Europe is in any case not doing worse whether we be more "negative" or not.

When I broke up from a relationship at Christmas 2006 I had a need to get back in touch with my spiritual self. During the relationship, I experienced some good things that had been lacking previously. I actually got to do things. Someone was there who took me places, and I had someone with whom to joke and be silly. I've been alone most of my life so this was a very welcome change. Unfortunately it didn't last and so I went looking for the one thing that had been set aside when I was preoccupied with living life out there in the real world. I joined a spiritual site online. It was exciting to dig into my reservoir of spiritual thoughts and exchange with others. It was no longer quite the same though. My thoughts felt a bit stale and rhetorical. The time I had spent living life on a very practical level had left its mark and it was hard for me to feel quite so confident about giving out spiritual advice or whatever it was I was doing. Another thing that happened was that as I stumbled upon other people's beliefs, I became more oppositional. A lot of American style positivity came into my living room and I didn't agree with it. I felt that people who were leaning in that direction were in denial of the shadow side of life. I felt that this was pretty much proven once I became the target of bullies who wanted to convert me to their beliefs and did not respect my right to think and be what I wanted. I had over 80 "friends" who I hardly knew. To me that was pointless. So when the site started to shift and become less intimate and friendly, I packed up and left. Similar things happened on the next site I joined. I stayed for a while, learned a lot about people, and finally left because of bullies and a nagging feeling that I didn't really belong there. After this, a third site called me and I at that particular moment it provided me with some form of comfort. I was a little worried though when no one but the administrator replied to my posts. I suspected that posting was not safe for me. I should have followed my gut feeling because in the end I became the target of a very forceful attack. I had really enjoyed some private conversations with the administrator so I was reluctant to leave, but there was one thing about all this that made me withdraw for good.

The woman who had attacked me was quite the drama queen who said several times she would leave but never did. After a while she posted a lavish, public apology. It was not directed towards me and another person who had been her target, but was more general. She also did say that she had been mislead by other people's egos. Not until the administrator wrote that she forgave this woman did I realize that the administrator acted as some kind of saviour who absolved this woman from her sins. I tried to let it go but I was really disturbed by this incident. Shoot me if I'm wrong but it seemed to me that these people stuck together because they were Americans, and the one who wasn't was not considered a part of the club. A club of mutual admiration, I can't help wondering. Bullies seem to get the upper hand everywhere, don't they? Sometimes you just don't feel like sticking around to see how it goes.

I received a newsletter from that last site today and in my emotionally vulnerable state of mind I found it menacing. It said that God's light is growing stronger with each day but so are the darker oppositional forces. Vulnerable people will succumb to this if they are not careful and will turn away from their deeper soul purpose. This happens either because dark forces are willingly interfering with someone's light work or because someone is susceptible and confused. Why did I feel that these words were directed towards me? Because I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because all this time spent online, I have been indoctrinated about the importance of positive thinking. So many people are rejoicing about the evolutionary shift and stating that you must be the change and so if you join the positive thinkers you will do your duty and help make the shift happen. The more I felt peer pressure to smile and be happy, the more defensive I became. I realized in another context the other day that feeling the acceptance from other people is a prerequisite to feeling positive about life. Or let's just say that it's way harder to remain positive when the support is not there. Here in my confinement these things become painfully obvious. Perhaps I really don't love myself enough or whatever. But putting a knife on my throat is obviously not going to make it happen.

I was told earlier by someone who claims to be a spiritual authority (the one who posted the newsletter today) that my life is a test of spiritual strength. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe my desire to be apologized to is ridiculous and a sign of weakness. Maybe I have lost touch with my higher self. Maybe I have joined the dark forces and am contributing to the sordid state of the world. Maybe I'm a white lamb turned black. Maybe my insomnia is preventing me from evolving spiritually speaking. Maybe, maybe, maybe. What I do know is that I am tired of religions that pretend to be "only" spiritual but still behave just like religious people always have. It's as if some people are scared that if i don't join them, the world will not change for the better. Seems as if they don't have much trust in life and the Universe. Someone bullied me about my need to be self-reliant the other day. I've thought about it a lot, because I always felt very strongly about having my own answers. Being in touch with other people's ideas has nothing to do with that. You read or listen, you reflect, you draw your own conclusions. There is nothing wrong with that. But there is certainly a line somewhere where things you read or hear become sermons on a mission to direct your mind in one way or another. Lectures must be agreed upon by all parties involved. You can even lecture a friend if there is the trust that nobody is trying to be manipulative, only stressing some viewpoints that seem relevant in the context.

I'm a little depressed because I gave my everything last year when I fled to the USA a year ago, and I knew that if I'd have to return, I'd probably have a hard time getting over it. I was right. Yes I am disappointed; I'm living such an anti-climax right now. The person that I put my trust in betrayed it. Of course my life situation is even worse now. I look at the photos from last winter and it hurts. It hurts to know that I was actually getting to do something. It wasn't much, but it was something. It was more than I have now. That's how it feels right now. Can anyone honestly expect me to just snap out of it and be happy? Maybe if I had been able to cut the cords in my own way I would have felt more empowered. The way things went was very detrimental to me and it will be much harder to repair the damage and stop the self-blame that started to nag at me. All I can do is try and stay out of the constellation of positive versus negative. Which is which has become so blurred and confused. And who knows, maybe that's precisely a sign to get people to realize that they are but constructions of the mind.

Human interaction is incredibly complicated. The internet provides with lessons that you may never get out in the real world where people are often more careful about what they say and express. In the real world, the context and the reactions of the other person are more obvious. I'm not saying this pertains to everybody, of course. I do have a longing for more real and substantial things. At the moment I'm confined to the virtual world for impulses and ideas. However, to be confined to that for the rest of my life seems like the cruelest destiny imaginable. But maybe if I am an outcast from the realms of light, then maybe that's all I deserve.

Artwork: "Wintermood", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Cyberbullies

I woke up on Friday with a great feeling of anxiety. Turns out that someone who pretends to be a guru of sorts (???) had commented on some innocent questions I had regarding his article on depression. Boy do I regret having written anything more than the very barest of words. I wanted to know where I can find out about the difference between real and 'spiritual' depression, which was the subject of the article. Instead I was bombarded with the typical "look at your own words and what kind of life you're creating". I truly resent anyone telling me how I should think in order to fix my problems - even less so when it's totally unsolicited. I think it's very scary that some people who are not professionals, give "advice" regarding medical problems. A depressed person could indeed create a very sad "life" (meaning death) as a result of someone's harsh comment. You might feel very hopeless if you're trying your damnest and not manifesting health and prosperity the way many New Age people think you should.

I wrote a private e-mail to this guy and you know what he did? He actually published it for everyone to see. While his idea was that I should see what I have written (which he could have done in private if he had been a compassionate being), it was obvious that all he wanted was to ridicule me in front of other people. This is both unethical and even against the law, since my identity was there for all to see. This put me in a state of shellshock: once more my private space had been violated.

I knew that I would have to follow up on it. I declared I was leaving the site altogether but I wasn't throwing out dramatic exclamations in order to get attention and compassion. That's also why I kept it short. I simply had enough, as this is not first of mental attacks that I've had to deal with. Now regardless, many have come forth and given me various points of view. Some of them I do not agree with in the least. Some dismissed me as overdramatic and told me in a presumptious way that "you think everyone is against you". Someone used a manipulative and patronizing language such as "the vibes that I pick up from you tell me...." and then comes a whole array of what my problems obviously are and why do I keep bickering when I claim to want peace. Since the whole discussion was obviously about me though no one wanted to admit it, I just said "So that you'd have something to vent about, why else?".

Some on the other hand were very much along the lines of what I feel called to stand for. At some point I almost had to laugh when it dawned on me how relative people's perception of a person is. As someone else whom I respect was talking about my "lovely energies" I concluded that no one out there in the world can nail me down or categorize me. This left me in a more empowerd state of mind and I started to feel warrior-like energy.

It almost seemed like the whole site was suddenly divided in two camps. In some rather sorry/funny way I see this as exemplary of the dualism of this level that we are all struggling to understand and overcome - well, at least MANY of us do have to 'struggle' in one way or another. I am but a button in a big board game. Do I think it would be important for me stay? Well, I do appreciate that some people think it might be. But who knows? Maybe I am really creating unsolicited havoc where a lot of people prefer to lull in Lala land. ("If we all pretend really, really hard then the bad things will go away and we will all be in paradise"!) I feel very driven to stand up for compassion and simple, humanitarian values that have always existed and will always exist as long as we are human beings if even only close to who we are right now, as a collective.

I don't particularly like to be the target of people's varied opinions, especially when they are not respectful and kind and cause me tremendous stress. It seems to be something some people just are. Because they create a crappy life for themselves? Well, I don't think anyone would say that about Jesus though he had to hang on a cross... or to take a slightly less dramatic example, Socrates who drank poison because his peers did not support his views on freedom of speech and the idea that everyone should think for themselves rather than follow the dictation of authorities like a flock of sheep. I am not saying I am on the level of these guys, only that I think I know why they and many other have felt a need to sacrifice themselves for something bigger than the individual. I will continue to do the work as I feel driven to, yet I wonder if staying here and trying to fit in with a community is really helping anything at all.

I am not really mainstream in the arena called the New Age and so it's probably to be expected that those who like to be mainstream will not tolerate my points of view. I am very sorry about this dilemma since I have learned a lot from being here and have met some really great people. I would rather get it all over and done with as quickly as possible but I am trying to think what is truly the best thing to do. So for those who wonder why I am still here, it is about a difficult choice for me. Taking a simple break may not work for me, as it never really has in the past. That is why I said I will leave. If I do stay it will be in order to attempt a break nonetheless, some form of golden middle path. I am not one that likes to remain silent, but I just might have to. After all, the people who are out there the most with all their opinions and creeds, are the ones who want to show off. As someone did say, even if no one says anything, they are not dumb and do read inbetween the lines. I certainly hope so! I have wanted to participate and help but I guess I will stop wasting my time and energy on internet boards.

Perhaps I have become too desillusioned and need to collect myself so as to believe that what is going on is just purging in every sense of the word, and nothing I should take personally. I also need to hold onto faith that one day, we will all be able to co-laborate. Of course I realize, that each and everyone has some responsibility in that sense, since it's a matter of energy that we send out into the world.

In some areas my self-confidence is still a bit low and so I do get hurt. My health is also an issue, as it adds to my oversensitive nature. Oh I certainly believe that pain and other symptoms can be relieved, but I wish that people would understand and respect that my condition is irreversible unless I get a spine- and body transplant... My life and condition, as well as my mind, does leave me particularly open to cyber bullying, and so I can understand why I tend to attract these kind of people. It is not right though and I wish more people had the audacity to stand up for justice in this area, in all locations. Rather than ask what you want to manifest, I'd ask; what kind of person do you choose to be? But that's just how I see things.


Artwork: "As Long As There Is Life There Is Hope", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008