Walks With Cats

This blog is about my relationship to my wonderful cats... and to money.

Now there is no way you can manipulate cats into loving you. That is one of the obvious reasons I love them as much as I do! They are, as all animals that have not become disturbed, so very real and honest. Though sometimes I think, "darn cat, can't you listen to my command even for once!", there is no way that you can truly hold their independent airs against them. And who can resist there wonderful displays of joy and affection? The purring and close encounters with your body are rather infectious indeed!

All of my life, cats have provided me with comfort and warmth when the human sphere hasn't, but also a flicker of hope. My cats are my mirrors in many ways. The sensuality they display is definitely a quality inherent in my own persona as well. I hope that one day I can enjoy life as much as they do.

The love of your cat is something you earn because you give of yourself and show them that they can trust you completely. Sure you can get your cats to do tricks like a dog. Maybe you've witnessed this at the Cat Circus. But who needs a cat who does tricks? Is it not already enough to follow the subtle expressions and fluctuations of their inner life and the facets of their personality? I know, they are just animals... but as such, they teach me many basic things about life that I have yet to discover in my relationship to human beings.

It's funny how some people like to be a little arrogant and say that we are just projecting our feelings on the pets, that we only want to have them because it's "easy love", and so forth. The truth the way I see it is that they make life livable, they help us get through the day when times are rough, and they DO have feelings and personality. In any case, the love you give them comes straight back to you. You know when you're in touch with your heart, because you can see it reflected in your pet. Maybe I'm even reflecting my own potential bliss when I am seeing my cat in extasy.

I suppose my three cats are fortunate because they receive plenty of attention from me throughout the day. One of them is always present, which dispels some of my solitude. A trio that was disparate in the beginning, has gradually become a unanimous whole in which each displays a completely separate form of energy. I sometimes think that they represent the Indian concepts of kapha, pitta and vata rather well... Marius (gray, long haired) is big, cute and rather lethargic, Robin (an orange tabby) is robust but intense and expressive, and Beatrice (white and black) is calculating and the fastest and fiercest little thing imaginable. The cats that I had before taught me what love feels like. These remind me of it every day. Without them, I would be a lost soul, since I would probably have much greater difficulties in keeping my heart open.

The bond I have with them is manifested in our walks in the forest. The fact that my cats follow me on their own accord surprises most people. In other words, there are no leashes. How would I put up with the solitude here in the forest where I live if it wasn't for our little walks? The cats are very excited as soon as I ask them to go "out", though usually they are the ones who beckon me to do go for a walk. What kind of human would I be if I didn't follow their regal wish? "Your wish is my command" - indeed! But what can I say - it is great fun!

Sometimes I call them to come to me, as I happen to be ahead of them. Robin comes in great leaps towards me and gives a head bonk and brushes himself against my leg. Marius tends to lag behind but trots towards me with his chubby allure. The last few meters he starts running towards me with a look of cheerful expectancy. When he reaches me he pushes my hand and looks for appraisal. Beatrice runs very fast but may run up in a tree on the way. She then rushes towards my outstretched arms... and then changes direction just a few degrees and runs past me and away... Contrary to the guys she will never do what she is being asked to do! She is indeed the primadonna of this gang, although Robin in practice is the one that is at the top of the hierarchy.

Now what I call my "theory of cats" is basically that life is at its most wonderful when there is a spontaneous and joyful give and take that involves a lot of sweet talk and affectionate cuddling. I estimate that the ratio would be about 90% love and 10% reprimands. Although I naturally respond to other animals too, cats have a special place in my life also because they remind me of the act of letting go of control and manipulation. This leads me to something I have given a lot of thought all throughout my adult life, and I always seem to arrive at the same conclusion.

At times I encounter people who tell me that I can have everything I ever wanted if I only realize the power of my mind to create and manifest my inner and outer reality. I know the principles behind this kind of thinking very well. The Secret and the teachings connected to it are by no means new and groundbreaking. I do not disagree with the ideas per se. However, I am afraid that something complex is being simplified to fit selfish pursuits of some people who cover up as spiritual beings but are instead serving the powers of materialism and spiritual stagnation.

I feel that I know quite a bit about the darker side of life. Now let's see... here is a suggestion of a way of categorizing "dark". There is the neutral darkness of the physical world, such as the dark of the night or the color black. There is a passive, emotional darkness that comes out of ignorance and is mainly just depressing and self-destructive. Then there is the active force of mental darkness, that attempts to allure and convince by using all means available. Some form of 'negative' energy has to exist in a dual world, otherwise there would be no evolution and no creation. This polar, opposing aspect doesn't have to be terribly 'negative', though. I feel that my positive insights come into being through a dialectic process that requires a negation (thesis versus antithesis equals synthesis). In the present world, this negation is often sad or evil in nature. This is part of the way evolution unfolds. Let us not be judgmental though. I feel that suffering and struggle can be part of a learning process that makes some souls into very knowledgeable and strong ones. This is not to say that it will always be this way. What I am saying is that maybe accepting it is part of a healing process towards a lighter and more joyful existence. I feel that it is absolutely necessary to face the dark... to look at and acknowledge it; even to love it, as part of the creation.

I do not think that the forces that may be trying to allure you will get a hold of you if you really believe in compassion for all living beings and our beautiful Earth. Compassion will lead to a sense of Oneness. So if someone talks of Oneness but doesn't display any signs of compassion, then maybe you shouldn't listen to them. I would also venture to claim that we do not have to choose between Oneness or dualism. In fact, the way I see it is that this is also a polarity that can be comprised in a fundamental paradox of being.

I am saying all this because I want to explain why I think it's important to deeply contemplate our relationship to many of the forces that make this world go around. Although money is not evil per se, it seems to corrupt more often than not. Money obviously serves to satisfy many worldly desires. While I do think that we need to enjoy our time on Earth, I also feel that we should examine the forces that drive us and what kind of behavior ensues when we have things such as money, power, and success. Are the means to these ends truly honorable? Do you honestly believe that you can have things of the world without giving something in return?

How about sometimes giving something else than money? Maybe we should acknowledge the existence of money but actively try not to feed the sense of separation by thinking about it all the time and fretting in attempts to control the way our lives unfold on that level. Thinking back, I have been poor a lot, but many times money has arrived when truly needed. Poverty can force a person to make decisions they would not have made otherwise, and it may all be for the better from the point of view of the soul's development. Would I really trade the wisdom I feel it has given me for a pact with the dark forces that may be using spiritual jargon to corrupt a real ascension of this level of existence? Well... I think that in this respect my conscience is clear.

Let's just make our decisions wisely! Let's practice discernment! We do not always need everything money can buy, although a lot of it certainly is nice to have. Sometimes we can also stretch what we or others already have, instead of adding to the vices of consumerism. This can be done either by willing it thoughtwise (though I admit it can be quite a demanding challenge), or by plain recycling. But... most of all, I wish that we would focus our energies towards a happy give and take in an open and uncontrolling way!

Artwork: Digital photograph of Robin checking something out on one of the walks, copyright 2008 by author

Spiritual Jargon And The Question Of Compassion With Detachment

This time I'd like to continue on the subject of manipulation and talk a little about spiritual jargon (household words for the initiated spiritual elite), but also tie it in with the idea of compassion. I have observed, that there are unfortunately many ways in which spiritual beliefs can be used against you in subtle ways, and I would like to raise awareness about this. Just keep your ears wide open and pay attention to what people say and in which context! Was the argument really in perfect tune with the subject matter in question? This is again an area in which I believe it's important to practice discernment. And if someone tells you you attracted some idiots into your life because you're not being a positive person yourself, watch out! It could be that you needed the idiot in order to learn something new and valuable. It may be that you taught the idiot something new and valuable (it may not sink in right away but maybe one they they'll get it!). Certainly there is always a need to be on the look out for our own shadows and see what it is that make us repeat certain patterns in our lives. But not all is shit that stinks just as not all is gold that glitters!

Here is an example. I was recently invited to become a writer for some kind of e-zine or whatever it was, but they didn't accept my first submission because in their mind the energy level wasn't high enough. I see... so truth is not an issue, only happy faces? It's important to be positive but we need to be real too, for goodness sakes! Ok, I admit the article in question was an old one and so maybe it's best buried and forgotten. However, I especially didn't like the way 'energy' was being used as an argument. If this sort of thing continues, it starts to resemble some kind of spiritual fascism where 'arian' is simply interchanged with 'high energy' or '5D frequencies'. I spot 'danger' here! Don't you? Way too many times have I encountered people who truly believe that spiritual elitism is okay.



Ok first, 'energy' has become a household word that most people understand even though it is not related to the physical definition of it. The 'dimension' thing (5D and above) is quite new to me and I never read any stuff about such things back in the 90's when I was still reading. Certainly it is a kind of illusion, and I guess I've more or less settled with a view that it 'kind' of exists. Really it's a tool more than anything else. I don't like how the ideas of 3D, 4D and 5D become jargon, but the truth is... sometimes we don't have much of a choice as language is limited and our perception also. I figure dimension is a reasonably useful word for categorizing various states of being. but it has been somewhat useful for me to use it as a tool for thinking and understanding that 3D corresponds with the typical Earth experience (very physical and unfortunately one in which people usually have to fake their identity) and 5D corresponds with my higher self.

I believe that residing in a state of being that corresponds with 5D allows us to be aware of the underlying unity and who we truly are. However it really throws me when people are using the various dimensions in the form of a jargon to enhance their sense of self-importance and belittle those who are not yet aware of that dimension. We ARE all one so at the bottom of the illusion we are living there is unquestionable equality and Oneness. Thus we all reside in all the dimensions that exist but perceiving them differently. Note that ascension would from this perspective mean a change of perception and attitude, not a tangible 'rising' of sorts.


I also don't like the way Oneness has become jargon, it's easy enough to talk about it but experiencing it is quite another issue.


I also sometimes feel that if I don't attract abundance in my life right now I had better put a bullet through my head.

Anyway... this little incident with the writer's site also caused a series of self-doubts within me.


I admit that some of the questions I started to pose myself were in fact warranted, but some of them made me more confused than I needed to be. Because of this project I had created another blogspace (this one in fact) which I also planned to use as a home for old blogs that originated from a site I left recently. I was thinking that there will always be people who will be in the same or a similar spot as I was in at the time being. However, as I looked at them more closely they didn't strike me as very relevant to who I am today, and so I started to feel embarrassed about putting them out there. Then I thought of editing them but saw that they were tied to a certain time period in my life and difficult to transcribe into a new form. At this point I was starting to feel stressed. I was wondering if I really wanted to be writing short 'pieces of wisdom and experience' (sic) to the general public anymore. What if the new me will be crucified when the old me was only being stoned?

Truth to say, I don't really feel like putting up a fake front of joy and happiness right now. (That has nothing to do with who I 'really' am though!) Life is damn hard at this moment in time and I don't think it's much easier for most people who are for real (or not aware of what is really going on). All around me I see chaos (a lot of incompetence and irritability in the most unlikely places in every day life!), and find that my own personal life is the least chaotic of all, haha. It didn't always used to be that way and so I am thinking, hey, I am really not doing all that bad! Should I be listening to the opinions of people who have no idea what my life has been like and what I have achieved? Of course not. And now I'm talking about people in general, not just the people at the spiritual site I mentioned in relation to my writing.

It's so easy to resort to clichés like 'you are attracting this or that because you are X'. In fact, it can easily be part of a jargon in which people try and prove that you're inferior, and I shun anything that smells of competition. All I want is just to share stuff as friends do. I have been looking around the spiritual communities on the internet and in the real world enough to know that times are rough for a lot of people and I think it's enough to stick with that and stop causing guilt in ourselves or others. I for one feel immensely tired of the human games and the ego tripping that abounds. Unfortunately I'm not yet strong enough to react with pure love and compassion at all times. It's not that I am not compassionate, it's that all this is too overwhelming.

I get messages about not allowing myself to be bogged down by other people's negative experiences anymore. This to me is the hardest lesson of all. How do I retain a sense of compassion without sucking up all the energy of those who suffer? I used to feel attracted to Mahayana Buddhism due to their pertinence regarding this particular question, and now I know why! I felt so drawn to the ideal of the Bodhisattva (the Buddha who postpones his or hers final enlightenment in order to come and assist Earth people time and time again) but didn't quite know why... It agitated me to be one but it also agitated me not to know if I was some kind of being like that or not!

I would like to point out, that many people will tell an empath that it is not okay to feel 'too much' for someone else. According to common psychology, this could be an indicator of borderline or childhood traumas relating to the caretakers. It is of my opinion that it doesn't have to be! You know the answer. Again, if I had believed everthing people told me about myself I would probably not be here to day.

For now, I simply don't know how to strike a balance between compassion and detachment, though I do think I will solve the problem eventually with a little help from a friend and our guides. I have to say that it is counter to my belief to avoid those who have a bad time. However, in the end this is maybe not the real question here. What I mean is... I have a tendency to go and die a martyr's death if it seems necessary at the time, but this doesn't necessarily mean there is anything badly wrong with me. It may only be an indicator that I am compassionate and in this life in order to assist certain beings (this is what I have come to believe). However, now is the time when I need to gather strength for the times to come so that I can be of real help when asked to assist. There are times when we are simply wasting our energies for no real good at all or waiting far too long for the results to show, and times when we can actually do something of value. Now seems to be the time to start discerning between the two case scenarios.

I have to be aware of not carrying other people's burdens. When it comes to my near ones this is where it becomes truly difficult. It also becomes difficult when people confront me with assertive and impertinent energies. The point is how to keep walking up the stairs so that we can be strong and good examples to those who follow later. Just as I was thinking that my compassion is finally showing outwards, I had to revise the way that I am using it in my life...

I don't know if others recognize this dilemma but to me it's a major turning point or a defining issue. It also means that I cannot be there for someone I care for very much. I feel that am not in our joint enterprise for the right reasons. I can't confront this person with my reasoning right now because they don't have the capacity to recieve it. And so I am having to wait... with a bleeding heart because I cannot express how I feel but also cannot feel what I would like to express. That is, for the time being.

Later addition: One thing that someone pointed out to me is the talk of 'boomeritis' which in fact is a generation of people who have become incredibly narcissistic. The idea was that everyone respects each other's truths and no one takes the lead, so no evolution happens, it's just status quo. I'd say this connects to the idea of self-enhancement since it then becomes totally ok to bring out all your asssets and a little more. This is a very typical American phenomenon and just saw a bit of an interview with the famous American literary critic Harold Bloom saying something along those lines but in a profane context. Everything has to be exaggerated and over-zealous, but where does that take us? Someone always has to be on top behind the scenes even if on the outside, everyone accepts that everyone else is fighting for the highest position. See what I mean? It's a viscious cirlce I guess. I was brought up in a totally different atmosphere where any kind of self-enhancement is looked upon with disdain, 'don't you dare think you're anything and better than others', lol. To brag about one's credentials is really a deadly sin over here. I have trouble believing that these tendencies will disappear over night... How can we acquire a real and authentic sense of equality?

We are conditioned to judge... It's an automatic almost. It's VERY hard to stand strong in one's own truth when there is so much peer pressure (have touched upon that in other blogs). There is much to say about all this... Chogyam Trungpa called it spiritual materialism some 25 years ago, so people have been trying to warn against the spiritual ego traps all throughout the New Age. How do we rise above the look of others? Those rolling eyes, the gaze of disapproval...? As I've said before, if I had not believed in my higher self all these years I would have succumbed to pressure and I don't think I would have survived it. The labels, the diagnoses, the assumptions, the judgments... Gee, what a world! Yarra, it's good you question the semantics here too. I'm not sure I see a whole lot of difference between detached and un-attached but I do see your point. I myself am really squeezed up against the wall right now though. Two people in my life are supposedly (according to higher sources) keeping me from ascending due to the frustration and worries they bring about in me. So it's a bit like goldenrunner's situation in which you feel you have no choice but to put up with the malaise, yet you know it's hampering you. Why did I have to wake up this morning with such a heavy heart? It's not right... there should be an end in sight, after all these years of struggling to do the right thing and take the blame and trying to fix one's own issues... At least as far as me and my friend's guides are concerned her and I don't have to learn more about these things, and so we do need to somehow disengage emotionally from the people who drain us with their oh so human ways of defending their position or the trouble they are going through. It's like my friend said, 'it's just one thing after another' these days. They are things that COULD be part of projections of our own shadow issues but apparently they aren't. The question remains what the best way of dealing with all this is. So... close contact is the hardest place to be when it comes to compassion. So I think you, Yarra, were talking about from a different point of view, right? Some of us are like sponges and we HAVE to do something about it. Though I've been told there's no real hurry one does feel that time and opportunity is slipping away somehow... I guess we are all so eager to see an end to our own misery whatever it is (those of us who are still entangled in something)....

Artwork: "Choose Your Friends Wisely" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008

I Fell In A Money Trap - Or Did I?

This time I wish to share with others the current, very stressful configurations regarding money issues. I signed up for one of the 'teasers' that people who run businesses offer online, this time it was the numerological analysis of my name and birth date. I received the same numbers as years ago when someone did this for me as a friend's favor. What comes up is a rather conflicting configuration where on the one hand I am highly concerned with ethical issues over materialistic ones, and have a tendency to sacrifice everything for a a cause related to social injustice, yet at the same time my heart's desire is to feel an abundance of love and signs of wealth flowing in my life. Though the latter has not manifested in very obvious ways, I can recognize this wish as some kind of undercurrent in my life and attitude about reality... I do manifest it in terms of beauty, but there's a counterforce connected to my anti-materialistic stance... Eh, I'm as contradictory as ever...

Now what I am really getting at is the way that greediness and a belief in 'lack' is ruling the world of today. Remember, I live in Finland and am not used to aggressive sales techniques at all. However, almost every day now I receive offers to change my telephone line for a cheaper one or special offers on magazine subscriptions and the like, and the tone of voice and approach is more assertive than ever before. I made a vow not to make contracts on the phone after I had some trouble with one regarding the internet connection that I made last year. Although everything turned out ok in the end, I was stressed about it for months.

One day I finally fell right into a trap, though. I was obviously feeling overly optimistic and confident that good things will be coming my way, since this is one of the messages that keeps coming to me in various ways. Although it is correct that we should have faith and a positive outlook in order to attract a better future, it is in reality very hard to keep a proper balance with the feet well on the ground. We must of course also be aware, that this is a time of extreme economic upheaval on a global level, and therefore the collective desperation of people who wish to have a better life at whatever cost is also greater than ever before. This results in all sorts of aggressive attacks on the individual to pay for this, pay for that... prizes are forever soaring and the poor are getting poorer due to all the psychological pressure. Capitalism is reaching its farthest extreme. I have to admit I that find that all the talk of opening up to abundance can sometimes cause more confusion, and maybe even mess with one's personal intuition and discernment. Again, I am not saying that it is all wrong. Yes, we do need to remove the sense of lack that most of us seem to be carrying deep inside. However, this is not going to happen just through wishful thinking and by succumbing to all the great 'offers' that are out there in the world (whether they be a promise of better health, economy or status). Unfortunately, most people who are concerned with the making of money will have very little concern of an altruistic kind.

So... I am relatively naive when it comes to the aggressive nature of many salespeople. Where I come from, this has not been such a blatant problem until very recently. My culture supports freedom of choice and most of all, people don't like to be pushy. In America, on the other hand, selling is an art all its own. And so when I was called up yesterday and offered an opportunity to take part in the green card lottery for the USA if I paid so and so much, I succumbed. How could I be so stupid as to agree to all this ON THE PHONE??? Well, one thing is that other people's money problems have been in the air to an extent that I feel completely suffocated by them, and I've started to be careless about my own financial assets. The collective is obviously also experiencing big issues on this level and all this is pressing hard on the individual's psyche. All the talk about needing to be open to abundance also undermined some of my normal caution (though some of it is of course for the better). I also misunderstood the service I was given and somehow thought that I am paying for something that would come up later anyway if I move to the USA. This is connected to the fact that it is very hard to figure out exactly how you can enter the country legally. I also did not know that there is a lottery that is free of charge, as this was never pointed out to me during the intense and skillfully managed conversation. Thus... I fell for the flattering and encouraging words that were offered me. After a sleepless night with an enormous knot in my stomach I tried to cancel the deal, because in reality I might literally have to starve if I am to pay off this money from my credit card for the next few months.

I prayed that they would agree to cancel this transaction. I know from my American companion how hard cooked and harsh people who deal with your money can be...

So my message to those interested is to encourage the use of our commonsense during these times of upheaval. The act of balance is precarious. We need to be open and hopeful, but not gullible and naive. Nor should we succumb to greed while mistaking the quest for abundance for a chase for money. Keep in mind that abundance means many things, not only money in the bank. And it is a mindset more than anything else. At least for now...

The lady in question finally called, and bombarded me as expected with arguments to support their cause and make me look like an idiot for not having simply hung up the phone if I didn't understand what was going on, if the conversation was too fast for me or I knew I couldn't pay for their service. I said that what they told me was not a lie, but that they also did not tell me the whole truth (e.g. that there is another option that is free of charge). 'Well you obviously wanted this very much or otherwise you would not have paid for it right away!', she argued. I couldn't help starting to sob as I tried to appeal to her human side: "Yes, that is the problem, I wanted it very much, too much so, and therefore I couldn't think clearly about the money situation'. Apparently trying to appeal to someone's human side in a situation like this is not conducive to any changes...

It is of course a proven fact that high levels of stress hormones in the blood cause the brain to work less efficiently, and assumptions are succumbed to where clear thinking should be in charge. All I could see at the time they called me up the first time was opportunity and a feeling of excitement (I never thought this could happen to me!). Maybe it was for a reason, who knows. I certainly got to see some human behavioral patterns at work here... Because she realized that I had truly misunderstood the idea of paying more for special treatment (usually VIP equals being treated as a 'very important person' thus having advantages that others don't), she finally agreed to refund a part of my money. I think she realized I had a hook on her since they were using a term that was false in the current context. My companion was urging me to threaten with filing complaints etc. Ok, so I am too soft and don't want to argue 'too' much. I guess sometimes in life we have to be happy that we can at least reach a compromise. I have to accept all this as another lesson in life and hope that something good does come out of it. Luckily, I received understanding and support from my near ones. Financially speaking the incident could have been much worse, and what I am now having to pay is not a catastrophy of mega proportions. It's bad enough but I will try and stay hopeful that things work out. Maybe the lesson was worth its investment.

Artwork: "The Precarious Art Of Balance - On a Knive's Edge" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008

Random Thoughts On Spirituality From January 2007

These paragraphs were written when I first went online and took part in discussions on spirituality. Since I didn't want all of my thoughts to get lost in cyberspace, I collected them and saved them, and will give them a new home here in this blog space. Again, I have changed since this text was written, but still hope someone might get something out of my musings!

On the issue of unconditional self-love

I think that these questions are at the very core of spirituality, and therefore very confusing. Most of us are at some stage of the process of comprehending what love really means, so there are conflicting feelings and thoughts involved. We are being pulled in two directions. Most of us have spiritual maturity and insight regarding certain issues but we act child-like on other issues. I think that this site contains a lot of insight! But I wonder about the idea of "looking for what you really want". That could be misleading, I think? Children "want" things. It's an ego's request for something to be entertained by or to identify with. It's easy to get all entangled in the quest for the "real" wanting as opposed to a supposedly fake wanting. I think a lot of people get stuck on that issue however much they want to be spiritual. That's just it! You also want to be spiritual. I think it's a phase, and a very needed one. It's not something you can bypass, so really, I think it's ok if you have a lot of wanting going on in your life. But maybe it's important to also bear in mind that you will eventually have to get out of that stage. You've got to "grow up". It's maybe alluring to be engaged in all the wanting, because it's entertaining you. But you're not still there. Tricky!

Personally, I find some comfort in realizing when I'm trying to entertain myself. As one of you were saying, it's okay to have negative feelings or any feelings, for that matter. The point is to take a step back and look at it. Okay, now I was grasping. Now I'm entertaining myself. Now I was feeling hatred. Now I didn't honour my heart. Sometimes we look and we don't know what the heck is going on! But gradually we get somewhere. Slowly. I don't think it can be a fast kind of revelation. If it were, then it would mean that we were very simple beings. But we are not. So it's slow, arduous, painful, oh god it can be hell sometimes. Although sometimes you might want to think that the darker it is, the closer you are? It's really dark before dawn. But I think you will learn to love and honour yourself, because evolution has to go somewhere (and it can only go in two directions, right?). In the end, whatever "the end" means (I don't know!).

I don't know a lot of things. But maybe that's good too. "Not knowing" can be a good state, a place where you give up some of your need to control and all that wanting, and try to listen to the heart instead. I think self-love just happens. You may not even recognize it for a while, because it doesn't look like the kind of love you are used to hearing about. Putting yourself first and all that obscure nonsense that so-called experts on the soul are telling us! Sorry if I'm sounding harsh but there's a lot of advice out there that doesn't suit everybody, as it all depends where you are at in your development. I think those words by Raskin were full of insight. However, the process to get to that kind of blissful state of an egoless kind of universal love is not all so nice and guey, a lot of the time. On the other hand, it's a journey, and should the goal really be more valuable than the journey itself? At least as intellectual beings we can step back and look at the pain and think "hm, that's kinda interesting"!

On the issue of activating other people's shadow-selves

Apart from a host of other problems, I find that one is particularly painful. I seem to unintentionally activate the shadow in other people (especially those of the opposite sex). I'm always alert, perceptive, inquisitive, demanding, questioning, poking and just being me. I have been raised to be polite, but it doesn't help much when that thing in me emerges. I seem to say or do just the very thing that person doesn't want to hear or acknowledge. I'm not saying that this doesn't also help me to see my own shadow and whatever behaviour requires improvement. But to always have to play the role of an adversary or a "holy fool" is not funny, but rather depressing. Does anybody recognize this in their own lives?

Later: At a point in time, if we continue on our spiritual quest, there will most likely be equanimity. A state of mind where we are no longer reactive to other people's standpoints. I think we all agree on that? However, the road to reach such almost utopian awareness sure is a bumpy one! I know we create our own reality, but on the other hand since we are all interconnected, it would seem strange if we could fly around above all of what is going on in the world and not have to get personally involved. One of my personal challenges has been to dive into the chaos of reality as perceived by the collective mind. I navigate somehow, using my common sense, my intuition, and deep thinking. I try and observe my own patterns of behaviour and seek ways to change them. Yet during this process, I also have to live and co-operate with others. I'm not the type to piss others off, not in general. But when a person has a strong mind and some perceptiveness to see what is wrong with a lot of things, and often feels disrespected, then it's hard not to put a foot down and say no, I won't accept this. It's not always the wrong thing to do. Chögyam Trungpa also says in "Cutting through spiritual materialism" that saying yes is not always the answer, sometimes saying no is going to help the other person much more. My point is, is that it's not always bad to activate somebody's shadow-self. This is what I think. I think someone has to do it so that other people's shadow-selves can come out in from the dark and be healed by the light of consciousness. Maybe even Hitler "had" to come and do what he did so that it would get people thinking more deeply about certain moral values.

The trick for most of is is surely to know when it's better not to be assertive or offensive or just whatever that could bring about bad blood, to have discernment enough to see that the person in question is not at a point where they can actually get the message. I'm thinking that there has to be some balance between our own personal-self control and a spontaneous way of being. I personally feel that both ends of the stick are detrimental. So what about the "middle way"?

I think that when you actually do know a little bit more about the deeper meaning of life and where we are heading to than a lot of people around you, then it's a really tough place to be, because more awareness kind of also implies more responsibility for your actions. No? You can't put yourself above others, because evolution is not about ego-tripping. So one has to try and tune oneself down, check the ego-issue all the time, be careful, and as one of you said, think a moment before we react. (In my case I've needed to learn to be less cautious, and actually show anger when it's appropriate and not later when I can no longer make a stand!). Still, we cannot excerpt ourselves from the humdrum and chaos of life with other people. We will be activating other people's shadow-selves, whether we like it or not. I hope I'm not just making excuses for myself but I guess this is what I meant. That there's also a mission in the fact that we influence others and help them become aware of their issues. I mean that it just happens, it's not something you can decide and say something like "well somebody had to tell you what you're doing". That would be arrogant. It's best to just be whatever you are in this moment and fix yourself as much as you can but also accept that you're playing a certain role in the game called human life. Am I making any sense ? :-)

I totally agree that we have our own reality with our own personal sets of beliefs. It's good to keep in mind that it's all relative. But we have to live in this world somehow and what often happens to good little girls (like myself) that we are being used as a doormat. That's hardly conducive to spritiual growth. So we have to make clear to ourselves what we really stand for and then actually stand for it, if under attack.

However, not all situations in life are confrontational so the activating of other people's shadow-selves can happen in a subtle way. Maybe you invested a lot of energy in a relationship and then you get dumped because you wanted to grow but the other one didn't. It hurts. But maybe the other person did learn something from the experience in the end. Who knows. All we can do is play along. But the deeper you go into opening your own heart up, the more it also hurts when you meet resistance or have to back off because you're not dealing with a situation correctly. Learning through the difficult experience of being said "no" to or being rejected even though you're doing things right (or so you think at least), or having to say "no" when somebody is manipulating you, is part of "growing up" and it hurts.

Later: It would be good to get away from the constant need of acknowledgement and positive feedback from other people. So many of us have not been seen enough as children to have a strong sense of self. Or then we are struggling for recognition for some other reason. One of my favourite quotes from a transpersonal psychologist has been "you have to be somebody before you can be nobody". No point in dreaming away about enlightenment (meaning liberation and no more ego-bonds) before we have become real persons, that is people with a sense of self. I risk sounding bookish but what I remember from Sartre's philosophy was the idea that we become somebody only in the eye of the other. I've carried that idea with me all these 20 odd years, and it helps to justify the pain that goes on in the interaction with other people. And as someone here was pointing out, it's probably a never-ending story! Or at least it is a really long story. Some of us are working a bit harder than others. I believe we made that choice on some other level of existence, but anyway, the point is that we probably need to make clear to ourselves by whatever means necessary that we have to respect each other and the level of being and understanding that the other person seems to be at. I'ts pretty obvious that without that respect the planet will go under, isn't it? I have a relationship with a person who gets very angry at some things that unassumingly jump out of my mouth. This person defends the outburst by saying that I shouldn't have said that thing in the first place. Obviously I cannot be controlling everything I say. Gee, some pardon please! Obviously this guy also cannot help that I touched on some sensitive area in his mind. We both end up feeling wronged. This is just to show how hard it can be to get out of a pattern with someone. Yes sure, I believe I should fix myself first then maybe others follow, rather than the other way around. But how can I do this? Surely I also deserve to be respected as someone who still has issues to work with. If I care about the person who acts this way in my company then the solution may not be to just walk away. I wouldn't want for people to walk out of my life just because I have a stubborn behavioural pattern.Later: I guess sometimes we are challenged in cruel ways so that our subconscious crap will really rise to the surface. Many of us have to learn to stand up for ourselves and not accpet all the shadows that other people project on us. That is maybe one way towards a greater sense of self-respect. But what is all this anyway, self-respect, self-love, self-esteem...? I think you can have a sense of self-esteem yet still be challenged in ways that are far more complicated than you could ever have dreamt of or found in a book. Very often there is a hole in the whole, a piece missing from the puzzle that makes it hard to deal with life from a standpoint of equanimity even if the elements conducive to such a viewpoint seem to be there. It would be easy to fix if you could pinpoint exactly what it is. But sometimes it's very hard to get the clues because maybe it's about really deep issues of what Truth really is.

In spiritual or psychological contexts people often recommend that you walk away from people who, as someone suggested, act as robots to certain stimuli. Sometimes it's easy to do that. But sometimes it's really hard to go, because it feels like betrayal. Maybe because we are also repeating a pattern of sticking by our parents as children, or some such incident. Or maybe because we are not really sure if we already got the lesson in its entirety. I often find that when I think I'm clear about one issue, something new and surprising pops up from the subconscious mind. So I have, seemingly at least, a choice of dealing with all that subconscious content or then turning away from the process and taking the easy road which is to look for a more pleasurable way of existance. However then I wouldn't have much to give to the world. And I think I want to contribute, after all. Try and put up with all the shadows in this "valley of the shadow of death". Continue to be strong and stand by those who are also unfortunate and in need of support. I can't leave a fellow soldier to die in the warzone. I wonder if it's really bad to be a martyr? To want so much to help that you are willing to risk your own wellbeing and comfort?

On the issue of sacrifice

How can we always know what our highest moral values are? It's not always so easy to be in touch with Truth. Our judgment is being clouded by so many emotions, not least personal traumas from the past. I'd love to be able to say "thus spoke my heart". But I'm not sure it's my heart that's speaking. How can I be 100% sure? A lot of maniacs are preaching all kinds of things based on what they think their heart or their God is telling them, but it doesn't mean it's of any practical value or conducive to a positive evolution. The same with sacrifice. How exactly are we supposed to define sacrifice? Sometimes I don't get what I want, I get what my soul needs instead. But at the moment when I feel distraught that I'm not getting something, it may feel like sacrifice. It of course doesn't mean that on the basis of that experience I will go out into the world and preach that sacrifice is a virtue either :-/.

My boyfriend has to take care of his traumatized kid. In fact he has to sacrifice his personal life because it's against his moral values to put the kid in a foster home. Thus he has to sacrifice his care for me. He has nowhere to put the kid for even a few days, so he cannot leave his home and pursue other interests, such as seeing me. Then there is me. The future is not known. I have no guarantees that I will ever get what I feel that I need with this guy, because he happened to put a child into this world. Should he be "punished" for having been so "stupid" as to make a baby with his ex-wife who turned out to be a luney? Should I so easily turn my back because right now the times are bad and our shadows are emerging due the stress? Who knows, maybe it's a one in a lifetime chance to fix some old trauma such as co-dependency? When can we ever ask for guarantees? Maybe it's all the wanting and the asking for guarantees that make us truly unhappy, not just the lack of the physcial prescence of someone we care about? Sometimes when we suffer the reward actually comes later. How are we supposed to know? It cannot always be there, in the here and now. The mutual exchange is not always equal to equal in the present moment either.

Should we always abandon people because they make our lives more uncomfortable? What if your loved one is suddenly in a wheelchair. How easily would you abandon them? Or if they go into a coma that can last for god knows how long. Will you be unfaithful during that time?

I just don't see these things as simple choices at all. Maybe my mind is too screwed up. Or maybe my heart is telling me to wait, don't follow your immediate urges. Stay and listen... and in time you may see things that you were not able to anticipate. They could be good things? I've had to put up with discomfort all my life so I know what it is like. I cannot kill my body so there's not much to do about it, but to accept. It is bloody hard. But I don't know if it makes me a more stubborn person in a good or a bad way? Maybe I'm too used to it to understand anything else. On the issue of envy

I think I can say that I am not an envious person. And that is in a country with a people noted for that particular vice. Well, I don't think I ever wanted to swap minds with anybody else. Maybe that's what helped. I felt I was doing enough, working enough, being more or less smart enough. However. As I'm getting older I find myself having traces of envious thoughts. Weird residue from my shadow-self comes up. That's because I'm feeling pressure to fit in with society. More so than ever. And I've struggled with my physical ailments for so long. I'm getting tired of seeing such fit and radiant people all over the place! I'm starting to wish that I could have some of all that success... I've worked so hard, I've earned it! To think that the reward will come later and will be so much more satifsfying for being deep and spiritual, well, when is that day ever to come? A person is happy in relation to his or her environment. If you're gloomy and everybody else is, too, then it's not so bad. If you're gloomy (or sick or poor) but those around you are not, then it's like being in hell! The same with envy; you may not be envious because you are bad in some way, but because others seem better. it's all relative. Maybe it helps to bear that in mind? And maybe to try and stick to people who don't activate a feeling in you that life is unfair and you are less succesful than they are. Or ask yourself if you would really like to be them? Brrrr! At least it's a thought that puts me off altogether, regardless my physical appearance and lack of health.

Later: If you consider that all of us have limitless amounts of potential, then it's really hard to be envious and greedy! I have everything I need to succeed with whatever I'm meant to succeed with, and anyway all that is not really always just up to what I want or what I think about myself as an individual living a certain life. I always think well, the challenges I have is my karma and all I can do is try to fix it. Why bother with craving for something other people have? I might get those things in the end or I might not. I think believing that we create our own reality can be misleading because yes, I think we do create it, but there's also so much in our subconscious mind that direct us. No way can we control our life. Best let go of the control and let life take it's course, and rely on our higher self and intuition to keep us from more trouble. Life just is, life creates itself, hop in the carriage and try to keep your horse on the road, but don't obsess. Well, that's just some of my thoughts anyway.

The idea about getting taxes is probably based in greed and envy like a lot of other things in society. Like the idea that the state shouldn't give too much to the poor because then they would get lazy and not fix their own situation. This is not an assumption, it really is how the authorities (and other people) usually think. Actually some new research proves the opposite. When you feel that people are generous towards you, you feel happier and more motivated to get going with your own life. The barrier of greed and envy can be very very daunting and have a paralyzing effect on those who are less fortunate.

Later: Nothing new under the sun... The age-old issues are always coming out in new versions by new generations. Hopefully we're starting to get somewhere, though! :-/

Well, my ailments are purely physical and the rest is hypersensitivity about the ways of the world, but if I could rely on my mind only I would be a happy person indeed. However, my body has taught me to respect boundaries, and how boundaries actually make us more creative beings. To work with a limited amount of tools is truly challenging, and usually produces more creative results than limitless capacity and access to "everything" (I used to do research on creativity). There is hardly any sense in anything if there are no boundaries? At least from the human perspective?

Boundaries are interesting also from the point of view of greed and envy. Personally, I'm a lover of abundance (or rather, opulence) and don't believe in ascetism. Still, in my own life the kind of abundance that I would appreciate is lacking. I feel like an idiot because I cannot figure out why. I must be missing something glaringly obvious. Is it again a lesson of boundaries? That sometimes people cannot have it all. That even if we have limitless amounts of know-how in a deeper and "higher" sense, then on the physical level it's not always possible to manifest all that. For any number of reasons such as karma, environment, collective issues, and so on. I guess I feel that not only should we respect our higher selves and believe in its power, but also respect the lower self with its scary and chaotic sub consciousness and limiting effect on our lives (including our bodies and our physical environment, of course). To learn to work with the lower level can be as big a challenge as learning to work with the higher levels. On the issue of fearI would normally have bypassed a thread dealing with aliens or whatever the "Others" may be called, but am glad I read it after all. The level of the discussion was really high. It's a tricky thing to grasp the idea of oneness, but my own experience is that once it becomes clear, then it explains a lot, a lot, a lot... maybe everything.

I agree that we shouldn't be bashful about presenting the real person behind the words. After all, we all have a personality for the very sake of expressing it, don't we? And all we have really are subjective points of view that we can agree or disagree on. Discussions for and against can become clinical without a touch of humanness in them... I learned early on to suppress my feelings but I felt quite clear on a mental and spiritual level. It was weird because I didn't feel grounded, yet I had no fears. The fears came when I opened up my emotional deposits and was pretty much swamped by them. There is enormous power in the content of the subconscious mind. Yet by suppressing it we can never become whole, as it won't disappear. Most of the time it's about the beliefs that have arisen from the perceptions which have become distorted beyond recognition. My suggestion would be to keep the beliefs fairly simple, because then you are less likely to get lost in them and be overwhelmed by all kinds of irrational fears.

We don't have to look far to see the "devil". The more you open up your heart, the more perceptive you become. This is anyway how I see it. There's a very fearful time when it's very difficult to tell what fears are real and what are not. I think most people try to avoid getting themselves into that kind of a state. But personally, I felt I had to go through all that, it just had to be done, like springcleaning. Let us try to stick to Earth and mostly deal with fears that are close to us on the physical level. Things we can see and that are easy to agree on. To give power to fears about abstract things is in my opinion a hazard. It is so hard to have a good frame of reference. I'd like to say "reliable" frame of reference, but I guess it's hard to find anything really reliable in this world! Try to stay grounded and always in touch with your own inner self, with your heart and your common sense in conjunction. That would be my advice to anyone who feels insecure (I still do, but I survive!). Ok. Phew, that was it. Hopefully enough for a while. I'm sorry I had eliminated all the great comments that were made by other zaadster during the process of writing these things, but I tried to compress this text to my own views only. God, I take myself too seriously and I think way too much. I should loosen up a bit! :-)

Artwork: Abstract Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved, copyright 2007