Gratitude - Not to be Forced

They say that feelings of lethargy, apathy, bouts of anger and other negative states of mind can come to sensitive people as this world is undergoing a transformative process. I suppose that's what I'm feeling... not like me to feel so listless and have such trouble getting along with people. I just want to run away and hide... I'm sure I'm not showing the best of myself but neither are people I meet. Things that wouldn't have been an issue ten years ago seem somehow aggravated today, as if people just can't help themselves. I so wish I could feel more compassion but I am just SO tired. I try desperately to hang in there and not fall prey to despair, so I suppose what I write about isn't always so uplifting either. I am here adding some things to the theme of forced gratitude. A few points overlap what I wrote in my last post.

I recently learned that children who were evacuated to Sweden from Finland during WWII are still plagued by the way they were always told to shut up and be grateful. They wanted nothing more than to be with their parents even if it meant chaos and famine, yet at the time it was thought better for them to have peace and enough food to eat in neutral Sweden. If they were unhappy, they were often severely punished. My dad was sexually abused. My mother was sent to some rich fosterparents in the capital of Finland where they only fed her cakes overflowing with cream and sugar. She was saved by this woman's sister and taken to a famous pediatrician who told them what she needs to eat to regain strength. They eventually adopted her and though they were quite rich, she had to sleep in the father's drafty reception room and always had runny eyes. When I was younger, she used to tell me quite often how she hated the idea of having to be forcibly grateful. Perhaps I have inherited this from her but I also don't like to have the idea of gratitude shoved down my throat. It was never a problem until I started to hang out with spiritually minded Americans online. They seem to be in love with inspirational quotes about gratitude and love to teach it to those of lesser knowing. The country's highly religious backdrop might have something to do with this. What strikes me as really odd though, is why anyone thinks that this should be necessary? I mean, I don't go around feeling totally hateful about life all day long and then communicate with spiritual people online in the evening. Of course there are things one feels grateful for during the day. As a means of self-preservation, one naturally looks for counterparts to all the shitty tings that happen in life. Don't people do this?? I'm sorry but it's hard for me to buy into the idea that people would be so dumb as not to get such fundamental issues on their own. But maybe people really are so removed from any natural sentiments/sensibilities and common sense? I was wondering about the same thing when Feng Shui became popular.

I promised to help an elderly lady with her new computer the other day. I guess it's my own fault that I didn't focus and really think what it is she might need. I trusted that it was just about a few things that I should be able to figure out for her so she didn't have to take in anyone expensive. I didn't expect to get paid but I knew she'd give me a little something. Ok, good deal. Funny enough, everything that could possibly go wrong, did. Since I have no stress tolerance I was quickly in a really bad state of panic, but determined to see this thing through stoically. She however, became frantic as we didn't get anywhere and she was in a hurry as well. The irony is, she probably has money to pay for a professional and only wanted to help me. However the humiliation and the stress took a great toll on me. In the end I felt like an idiot (and was biting my tongue so as not to come out with the usual defensive nonsense arguments) and did of course not feel that she was grateful for my input. It hurt a little but what hurt the most was that she didn't consider my low stress tolerance though she knows about it. The totally unexpected negativity that came out in the situation made me want to run home and cry, which I did later on. She showed some surprising hardness that I wanted to escape. Now I am not wanting to hear some advice that I attracted it through some funny law that came into fashion yesterday. Sure some of it is fine, but when it becomes dogma... well I'll leave it at that.

I simply thought more of my abilities than I should have and was trying to help where my help was maybe not really needed, and the karma came back to me at once, which happens these days, since the pace has been accelerated. Of course, there was also an unhappy combination of circumstances. Anyhow, I really think the law of karma is as good a law as any, and it's been around for a long time. It's just a matter of understanding it. Perhaps in time we will gain more freedom and manifest things that are not from ego, but the way I see it is, as long as we're on Earth we're attached to karma. Funny though, I've had a dream in which I felt complete and utter lack of self-worth. I have never felt anything like this in real life. So I guess there is some subconscious process going on in regard to such issues (and it may well be connected to the collective). I feel that I'm having to battle it in some sense. I don't really feel appreciated by people right now.

People are quite out of control these days, I think that's pretty obvious to anyone who is able to see reality for what it is and feel real feelings. Sometimes we just can't muster loving feelings, compassion or anything else of a positive nature, even when we believe we should. We feel irritated and stressed. We may be aware of the possibility, that in some way the negative encounter was a lesson, but we don't always have the energy to go into it and it's not always sure this is what we should do. You know what? It's all part and parcel of the transition. We may be limitless beings but here in human form, there's a lot to deal with. Those who like to preach from above are not doing any favours. People who are dealing with real life feelings will eventually resolve them, or they will not. It's not for anybody else to determine. You can only let go of your negative feelings when you CAN let go of them. If I started to feel guilty about feeling negative feelings I would indeed only be prolonging my own process, as anything denied or repressed will still be there. I also believe that guilt really drags you down. Common sense, right?

What also strikes me is that people preach about the importance of feeling gratitude all the time and instigating "gratefulness days", yet when I look around online I see little of it expressed towards other people. For instance, considering all the time and effort some people put into replying to other people's questions or blogs, well one would expect a glimpse of "thank you" or a simple acknowledgment of the other's effort a litte more frequently than what one sees now. It doesn't have to be any bombastic feelings of gratitude of course... the more modest kind called common courtesy! One thing my mother did teach me was to express thank you a lot so maybe it's just me... not understanding that not everyone is used to it. It's also not very nice to respond to someone in a forum only to find someone else say the exact same thing further along the line.

I don't (as a manner of speaking) know what goes on in people these days and maybe it's best to know as little as possible. I mean, what I do see is already overwhelming... I have learned, that it's ok to say no to people although I was raised to be kind and nice to everyone. These two attitudes don't always seem in synch but we are living in times of change and there is no reason to plague oneself more than necessary with stressors that lead nowhere. A little bit of toughness is needed at times to get through to people. The compassion comes when it comes. You can't force anything. And you can always consider, whether all you want is to become a more succesful human being or an enlightened person. The latter is apparently not always a very cheery path to take, but somehow I suspect that it's a choice some people have made before they came here and so any attempts to manifest the opposite (a happy, succesful life) will probably go down the drain because it's not what the soul really needs. And gratitude comes when it comes! Courtesy can be taught, but not gratitude, though maybe one can work towards it in some indirect way.

Artwork: "Early Morning", mixed media on paper by author, all rights reserved 1997

How One's Self-Esteem Can Be Systematically Undermined

Some issues of bad self-esteem may not stem from one's childhood.

It seems to me a fairly easy task to write a best selling self-help book on a continent where so many people share the language, marketing techniques have been refinded to a rather aggressive art, and people want fast results and a guidebook for each area in life. A book with at least a similar kind of content would in my country at best provide an author with bread on the table for a year or two. Is it any wonder, then, that one of the greatest avenues for getting rich in America is through writing a self-help book? I guess I'm pretty much repeating myself here because I am so up to my ears with a lot of the self-righteous talk that you have to listen to a lot of the time. I apologize to those who are reading my complaints and feel pinned down and trust that you understand that I am not picking on individuals. I am just weary of dominanant tendencies that are obviuosly unhealthy. Anyway, let me explain a bit if I may. I apologize if I sound whiney today though.

A book is something you can avoid. People can indeed avoid my blog too! But you can't avoid the marketing and the people on the internet who are only trying to make fast money. I find that there's a vast amount of people on the internet who are energy vampires, sucking you empty in no time if you don't immediately block their access to you. It's heavy to make so many decisions about others every day. One has to guard oneself a little against a lot of imperative statements and demands. When I opened the book that made Eckhart Tolle famous on Oprah I read that you shouldn't watch TV. I put it down straight away. I can't deal with that sort of imperative talk anymore. And anyway, why not talk about the internet just as well? It's just as ambiguous in its virtues and vices. I never understood people who didn't have a natural instinct to get away from something when there's an overload. I get that with TV, the internet, food; even with the making of art. I did in fact hear in a documentary that 60-70% of all addicted people get over their addictions all by themselves, when the time is right. To put everyone in the same junkie bag is not fair, but society does love generalizations.

Psychotherapy is still mostly concerned with childhood traumas and finding the reasons why someone's self-esteem is low in adult age. I come from a dysfunctional background so I'm aware that there are areas in me that are weaker than others. In general my self-esteem has been fairly good, though. I went through a lot of training in various areas because I believed in myself. When I had entered adulthood I also became aware that I had a lot of trust in my intuition and possible higher aspects of myself that would guide me to make choices that would be beneficial to my growth. The occasional set back in the arena of relationships was easy to understand, but I figured my mistakes were showing me what wounds to heal.

However, something happened when I was granted disability and also went through a bad burn out. The relationship I entered nearly killed me off, and I'm not joking. I looked anorectic though I was eating properly at the time, simply because I was using so much excess energy trying to manage the relationship to a choleric boyfriend and his troubled pre-pubertal son. When it ended I knew I was in for a crash-down. The anxiety of having to move out of a home and a life-style that had after all provided me with a sense of security and pre-occupied my mind in order to move into a completely different form of living in the middle of a forest, was among the worst sensations I've ever had. I was literally going through wave upon wave of ice cold ripples of shock. I knew I was in for something really bad. And I was. I was a complete wreck; traumatized, burned out and trapped. This was four years ago.

I suddenly had no sense of basic security. The house I was and am still living in was a cheap cardboard box type of construction and the electric heating forced me to apply for money every month from the social security. I used to live in old sturdy apartmentbuildings with central heating. The new arrangment proved fatal in every way: I felt very insecure living close to the ground with big windows, which I was not used to, and the social security did everything in their might to undermine my sense of self-worth. The doctors treated me like a junkie because I had insomnia and someone on whom physical rehabilitation would be wasted because my condition can't be cured. All in all, there was no real help to be gotten other than some supportive talks with a specialist nurse about once a month. I can understand that some of my ancient insecurities resurfaced during this time period but I am also wondering how much damage was being made to me by my ex who pushed me beyond my abilities, the circumstances, and the people who treated me like a second rate citizen with no rights other than to breathe the air of this town on the South coast of Finland.

Many other things happened during this time that were not beneficial to me, for instance some pretty awful attempts at dating and an attempt to go back to my old relationship. At one point when I got an adsl line I started to renew the connection with my spiritual side by taking part in internet sites dedicated to people like me. But when The Secret came out and people started to go all crazy about the law of attraction, I was made into an easy target for their own insecurities. Let me recap; I had finished several educations through the mere force of my will despite the fact that I was chronically fatigued and in terrible pain. I had spent years and years writing a journal in which I was attempting to sort out my issues. I was really doing a good job in both areas. But once I came to this small town and had to obey to the laws of social security, I lost any means of getting out of a bad financial situation. I was trapped. Then along came all these pseudo-spiritual people with their great advice about manifesting all the health, success and money that you could possibly ever want. Most of these people actually came from America... In my naivité I didn't realize that I shouldn't ever have even breathed about problems. However, honest and straightforward about myself as I am, I did try and talk to people in order to see more alternatives and solutions to my issues. Some were understanding but many labeled me as one who likes to victimize herself. Honestly, don't we all feel a bit sorry for ourselves sometimes? Come on, have mercy - I am perhaps having one of those days today. Anyhow, any talk about how hard it really is to get out of the social trap that disability in this country puts you in, was to no avail. There were also some sneaky argument that basically made me feel more disempowered and guility. These people had no time and interest for understanding and compassion, since they were so busy justifying their own choices in favour of joy and money, and persuading others about how happy they were. In short, they demanded that I perform as if I had the abilities of a normal person.

The main rhetoric is that we are all co-creators of the universe and thus responsible for our own happiness: there is abundance in this world and any situation of poverty and suffering is merely the result of our own faulty thinking and a sense of not deserving anything better. This was no news to me at all; my thesis at the university was about this kind of New Age dogmas. The trouble was, I could not completely disagree because I could see the logic in what was being said. Unfortunately I also felt that for many of these people, science was only a great tool when it was supporting the quest for money and success and that many ancient truths had been neatly repacked and simplified for the busy modern individual. Oneness was and is a great concept but I didn't see how it could come into life in this sort of ruthless environment. Whoever came up with the guide for dummies? I bet there's a guide for dummies about the great Law of Attraction that simplifies what has already been simplified...

I have a busy mind that attempts to see many options. It's called being creative. With creativity, however, you usually get a volatile personality. The reason is that you need periods of introspection in order to allow the subconscious mind to re-evaluate things, and question current beliefs. When you look around yourself with a perceptive mind, you see quite a lot of things that are not right with the world the way it is today. It's funny that despite all the talk about the importance of co-creation and the assumption that creativity has an ontological status in this world, people don't seem to take charge of their lives in creative and unique ways but prefer following the stale dogmatics of the self-help books. I know very well that New Age people don't consider their belief-system a religion because their approach is universalist (i.e. it's that famous smorgasbord where you pick what you feel to pick). Technically speaking, there's plenty enough evidence that it does rely on a certain set of dogmas that makes it into one from the point of view of systematic science. Though I have been inspired by some parts of it and have had a lot to do with people who believe in reincarnation and constant self-assessment for greater personal growth just like me, something has always bothered me. I have no doubt that it's due to the movements reinforcment of tendencies that are noticable on all levels of life today, i.e. "me first" and "I want it now". Compassion is often rationalized into the more abstract and (paradoxically) distant concept of unconditional love, which many believe they own but don't seem to have access to when someone trods a different path and has a nerve to question these beliefs. I noticed when I was on these sites that people bothered very little with the definition of the semantics they were using and so people were talking on top of each other without any regard for the exact meaning of the words that were being used. When on the one hand people loved to use words such as "I love you" to great excess there were also elements that were clearly menacing. Each takes care of him or herself and if you miss the ascension boat, it's your own fault for not having worked hard enough towards it. I also gave an example of this in my last blog. I still wonder how someone who pretends to be a loving spirit can insinuate that "some people" (very possibly you, in other words) have succumbed to the dark forces and are in fact hampering the evolutionary shift towards a better world. The only thing one can do, according to them, is to pray by an altar that you create for this particular purpose. Unique advice, eh..?

What has become clear to me during my years online is anyway the fact that instead of building me up as one expected them to, these groupings have helped undermine my own sense of self and my self-esteem. Not that anyone meant to on purpose, of course... but there's ignorance and its ugly head. I know that this statement can be met by plenty enough arguments. For instance: I'm resisting, I am not practicing spirituality the way it should be done, I'm not following any self-help methods, I am not positive enough, I focus on problems instead of the solutions, I am not disciplined enough to change my attitudes, I don't allow myself to be alone in silence and develop more love of self and God, and so on. But you know what? I am bloody tired! I have worked very hard all my life to succeed, to be a better person, to take the blame or the responsibility for my misfortunes, to open up my energies, to take care of my health as much as possible despite the poverty, to declutter every area in my life, to express abundance in everything I do (and this I actually do spontaneously), to overcome my shyness and social anxiety... I have tried being lonely and I have tried being in relationships. If someone sends me yet another link to some revolutionary self-help method I shall scream! I just can't anymore... Please, just allow me a little normality at least. What have I honestly done to deserve a lonely life in confinement? Well, to be honest I don't think it's a question of whether I've deserved it or not.

Shit happens. I'm sorry this is another lament on life's shittyness... I am mostly venting and sharing, not asking for pity. Sure I've asked for help too. But I know it's wrong to ask to be saved by anyone, so I've got to keep it general. If anything has come recently, it's been too subtle for me to take notice. Last year was especially trying. Dark, confusing and exhausting in every way. I can't make sense of things the way I used to. There's an oppressive feeling in the air. Or is it just me? Yet good things happen to people all the time, regardless whether someone actively tries to manifest them or not. How can anyone really know for sure that their power of manifestation was so great that it brought certain things into their lives? Where's the absolute evidence? Maybe a certain person had it all in store on a karmic level, for instance. Maybe they were even genetically disposed to (haha). I know that I would be in quite a different position if I didn't have a condition that cannot be cured. I also know that I could feel worse and that I could sit here without a degree or a career as an artist unless I had struggled to overcome certain obstacles. I also know that my chances of getting out of my current situation are slim, because society does not support it in any way and I am now out of willpower and motivation to make more efforts. Let's not even talk about what the three months in Kansas last year did to me, let alone the tedious after-math that is still without closure. This guy is not sending me my things back and I am seriously worried about some art and some items that are true heirlooms and that I should never have brought there in the first place. Stupid me!

The other day I spent a little time on Twitter but I'm not sure I fit in though I've tried to mimimize the amount of people I follow and protect my updates from unwanted comments. I'm struggling to fit in but in fact what happens is the exact opposite, which is that I am losing self-confidence. Exposure is a good method when facing fears, yet what I wanted to say in this blog is that there are times when exposure induces fears and that maybe some of them are new ones. This is not a good time in history; it's one of extreme chaos, menace and self-absorption. Beware!

I was invited to a kindness party on Twitter. The subpersonality in me who wants to be accepted exclaimed, hey, how nice! But another part of me started to rebel. Why do I have to be kind because someone institutionalized a day for it? No, no, no, no. I wonder why anyone feels the need to ask people to be kind though. Do people really need to be told that? I liked the rhymeday better, however no one commented on my rhymes.

Here are some of my humble and rather silly contributions that nonetheless felt like fun:

My life would be empty without my cats, all of my clothes would be hollow, including my hats.

The love of my life, is absolutely Robin, without his attention, I'd be constantly sobbin'.

Marius, is my pain in the ass, but in a funny sort of way, he has charm and some class.

Beatrice is dainty, the queen of the lot; her attitude is sweet but rather cooler than hot.

My computer's attraction is bigger than life; but without it my life would be akin to a strife.

How often is a rhymeday; I'm curious to hear? I'm taking a liking, and getting rid of some fear!

I apologize for my rude intrusion as a stranger, but English makes my heart beat faster and my mind gallop like a wilderness ranger.

As intriguing as paradoxes may be, sometimes the issue is that we don't know our motives or what we really see!

Creativity is a flow; it can be high;it can be low; but it is eternally there, for it is all that there is and it is everywhere.

Just as I wrote nice things about my cat Robin he peed on the floor. I had thought he'd gotten over it. That drop of pee was like the last drop...

Please read more about self-esteem on this blog.

Artwork: "Dereclict House", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Looking For Reasons Why Things Are So Difficult

So my sleeping has been really bad. The only psychiatrist in town said I should stay up all night and then I'd be tired the next evening. I try and explain to him in vain that usually, if I'm tired I don't get sleepy but terribly wound up instead, so it's even more difficult for me to sleep. I so wish I had access to someone specialized in stress and the workings of the autonomous nervous system. Mine is just not working in a normal way but no one is able to understand it properly and to help me. Anyway, I am afraid to stay up like that, because I know how crazy I get and I just can't handle it right now. My mom also said I could get ringing ears and what have you. Last night I was extremely wound up due to all the decietful or ignorant people I've been dealing with this year and especially at late.

I'm also due for a photo show of the photos I took in the US last winter but turns out my ex-friend (I really don't even think it's appropriate to call him a boyfriend as I personally never felt it) saved my photos in a very small format that is almost good for nothing. Half of my photos are also missing. I think I'm pretty much ready to leave all of that behind once my puny show is over and I finally get (if I get) all of my stuff back from his house. But naturally I am still pretty angry and upset that I trusted his so-called expertise and a bunch of other promises.

My previous woman psychiatrist used to prescribe a medicine to help me sleep that usually helped when all else failed, but my new male doctor doesn't want me to take it. Last night I thought to heck with his opinion and managed to find a few I still had left and I slept like a baby all night. What relief! After all, I'm now on much fewer medicines so there is no way it can hurt me to take it now that I am fretting so bad.

Now to the real issue: why are things like this right now? Ok, when it comes to many people I have chosen to trust in at least partly (it's quasi impossible to get me to trust anyone completely) I have obviously been too gullible. Sure I believe in karma, but when it comes to my bad relationship I suspect the reason for the complete let down is mostly elsewhere (unless you go as far as to say that my bad choices are karmic too, which technically speaking they are but let's not get into that shall we.) I don't have trouble with personal boundaries but I guess there are times when we want and hope something and it leads us in the wrong direction. We allow for people to influence us or even manipulate us and we either think that it's something we just have to accept because nothing can be done to change the situation or we keep hoping things will get better by some miraculous twist of fate. It's not necessarily that we don't see that something is wrong right from the beginning, but we are indoctrinated to believe that since we cannot change other people, we must accept them the way they are. I personally also always believe that if a person shows up in my life, it's for a reason. So I try and listen to my inner directions and do what I think I'm supposed to do. There have been times when I've left a relationship very early on because the inner feeling that I wasn't treated right was strong enough. But in recent years I've been very hungry for a relationship and for leaving this town, and for some reason that I still don't quite understand, easily nailed down by someone else's willpower.

When I broke out two years ago from the relationship that is the only meaningful relationship I've ever had, I vowed not to accept less than the best the next time around. But I wasn't strong enough to withstand the temptation to try out a couple of relationships after that, thinking as I always do that I am not capable of falling in love so the love is something that will come in time. I've taken pretty high risks by allowing these guys to persuade me into entering a relationship with them. In retrospect I wonder how crazy a person can be - and by that person I am meaning me. I learned a lot about human nature, that's for sure. Maybe it will be of some use in my next incarnation. But still... Well, I guess I finally "got it" since no one has entered my life now for a long time - I am now even more careful what I go for. I guess I am not ready for anything really meaningful and good.

From a spiritual point of view, it would probably be better if I felt more connected to Source first before I venture to pour out all my love onto a human being (I have to add that I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, companionship enriches and lightens up my life enormously). That is to say, I am connected or I would have given up on my spiritual beliefs a long time ago. Someone who seemed to be speaking the truth said that I am more connected than I think I am. It makes sense in some rather weird way. But I am in waiting for some kind of opening. I don't feel that there is much I can do to speed it up. I feel that I've been immersed in darkness in this life so that I would know what it's like. I can't guarantee that this is true but it feels right. I feel that a greater sense of connection belongs to me automatically and that I shouldn't have to work for it. It's rather like having an illness that you just have to wait out because the body will repair itself.

This brings me to the teachers. I am totally weary of all the spiritual advice that people are selling out there, since it always sounds the same. Today someone passed on a link to Abraham Hick's website. Very kindheartedly, I should add. I've heard of him, sure - he's recommended by many. But I personally saw nothing new there. Words, words, words... there's perhaps a point in time when they don't matter that much anymore, and all you really need are feelings and support of the heart. The quote of the day puzzled me. It was: "Overwhelment is about you not being up to speed with what you told the Universe that you want. The Universe is yielding to you. You're just not ready to recieve it right now". Ok. Let's see. The first part I understand as a person manifesting their own reality based on either subconscious or conscious desires. Of course, sometimes things that you feel excited about crumble because of some fear you have, for instance a fear that the things won't come true or be good. On the other hand, the soul may also be looking for really tough challenges to strengthen you by. For instance, being in the dark with only an inner knowing that life is fundamentally spiritual may be one of the toughest challenges a person can ever have. Now after all this reasoning, the part about not being ready to recieve stuff doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever (I'm not saying someone else might not resonate with it). All I can think in my case is that my physique is not able to cope with all the input that is coming right now so I feel overwhelmed and in some sense one could say that I am "not ready". The big question is also, what could I possibly have manifested that's so great that it's a shame to be missing out on it because I'm not ready? Hm, that's how I interpret it anyway. Also, what does "ready" mean? Ready mentally, physically..? Because there's a line of things that has to occur or be taken care of first or because one is still emotionally or mentally unprepared? Was the quote helpful? Well, to me it's just the same old platitudes that really don't mean anything truly significant at all. It's like reading a tarot card and putting your own meaning into it. Sometimes that can clear your thoughts but does it really help you to find out how to deal with the present situation? Putting bandaid on a wound is one thing, healing is another. With all due respect to others who feel differently - this is just how I feel and it's helping me to write it down...

I don't know... I feel no desire whatsoever of reading stuff for general guidance. All I want is to know what I personally am supposed to do and why I am feeling the way I do. (Even simple personal support is helpful at this time.) Why am I having to deal with so much negativity in my environment? It makes me feel really unwell and totally washed out and terribly upset at the same time. Well, the simplistic and oh so popular answer would be that I attract it because I am being negative, and that I am a loser because I can't overlook all that and not allow it to disturb my balance. Brrrr! Why must everyone always be put into the same category? I don't think I am being that negative. Am I?? Well, my intuition is that I am having to see all this in order to learn something for the future, and what I'm witnessing is what is really real. I am just not able to sugar coat my vision. Even when I'm trying hard to neutralize my thoughts I still see... What I see and sense is very stressful input that I understand mentally but have a hard time not feeling in my body. (I've always considered myself a realist but am hoping it's not an excuse for anything). I also think that all the negativity is like a cloud of smog that is rising upwards to finally disperse. I think that a lot of higher frequencies really are being inflitrated into our realm and it's really messing people up so that their egos practically shine from the exposure to the light. I am also sensing great pressure again, coupled with my overwhelming sense of stress. We're approaching Christmas and as far as I know more energy of love does make its appearance around that time. So perhaps it's also about the infiltration of energies that our human selves are not used to. The worse an experience is, the better the good one will feel. I also think that we need to accept and understand that absolutely EVERYTHING can crumble at this point in time, as new structures must emerge. So even in our own lives nothing, absolutely NOTHING, can be taken for granted. It's very unsettling and maybe why I have such strong feelings of insecurity, as I'm picking up on the collective chaos.

Artwork: "IF...", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Spiritual Jargon And The Question Of Compassion With Detachment

This time I'd like to continue on the subject of manipulation and talk a little about spiritual jargon (household words for the initiated spiritual elite), but also tie it in with the idea of compassion. I have observed, that there are unfortunately many ways in which spiritual beliefs can be used against you in subtle ways, and I would like to raise awareness about this. Just keep your ears wide open and pay attention to what people say and in which context! Was the argument really in perfect tune with the subject matter in question? This is again an area in which I believe it's important to practice discernment. And if someone tells you you attracted some idiots into your life because you're not being a positive person yourself, watch out! It could be that you needed the idiot in order to learn something new and valuable. It may be that you taught the idiot something new and valuable (it may not sink in right away but maybe one they they'll get it!). Certainly there is always a need to be on the look out for our own shadows and see what it is that make us repeat certain patterns in our lives. But not all is shit that stinks just as not all is gold that glitters!

Here is an example. I was recently invited to become a writer for some kind of e-zine or whatever it was, but they didn't accept my first submission because in their mind the energy level wasn't high enough. I see... so truth is not an issue, only happy faces? It's important to be positive but we need to be real too, for goodness sakes! Ok, I admit the article in question was an old one and so maybe it's best buried and forgotten. However, I especially didn't like the way 'energy' was being used as an argument. If this sort of thing continues, it starts to resemble some kind of spiritual fascism where 'arian' is simply interchanged with 'high energy' or '5D frequencies'. I spot 'danger' here! Don't you? Way too many times have I encountered people who truly believe that spiritual elitism is okay.



Ok first, 'energy' has become a household word that most people understand even though it is not related to the physical definition of it. The 'dimension' thing (5D and above) is quite new to me and I never read any stuff about such things back in the 90's when I was still reading. Certainly it is a kind of illusion, and I guess I've more or less settled with a view that it 'kind' of exists. Really it's a tool more than anything else. I don't like how the ideas of 3D, 4D and 5D become jargon, but the truth is... sometimes we don't have much of a choice as language is limited and our perception also. I figure dimension is a reasonably useful word for categorizing various states of being. but it has been somewhat useful for me to use it as a tool for thinking and understanding that 3D corresponds with the typical Earth experience (very physical and unfortunately one in which people usually have to fake their identity) and 5D corresponds with my higher self.

I believe that residing in a state of being that corresponds with 5D allows us to be aware of the underlying unity and who we truly are. However it really throws me when people are using the various dimensions in the form of a jargon to enhance their sense of self-importance and belittle those who are not yet aware of that dimension. We ARE all one so at the bottom of the illusion we are living there is unquestionable equality and Oneness. Thus we all reside in all the dimensions that exist but perceiving them differently. Note that ascension would from this perspective mean a change of perception and attitude, not a tangible 'rising' of sorts.


I also don't like the way Oneness has become jargon, it's easy enough to talk about it but experiencing it is quite another issue.


I also sometimes feel that if I don't attract abundance in my life right now I had better put a bullet through my head.

Anyway... this little incident with the writer's site also caused a series of self-doubts within me.


I admit that some of the questions I started to pose myself were in fact warranted, but some of them made me more confused than I needed to be. Because of this project I had created another blogspace (this one in fact) which I also planned to use as a home for old blogs that originated from a site I left recently. I was thinking that there will always be people who will be in the same or a similar spot as I was in at the time being. However, as I looked at them more closely they didn't strike me as very relevant to who I am today, and so I started to feel embarrassed about putting them out there. Then I thought of editing them but saw that they were tied to a certain time period in my life and difficult to transcribe into a new form. At this point I was starting to feel stressed. I was wondering if I really wanted to be writing short 'pieces of wisdom and experience' (sic) to the general public anymore. What if the new me will be crucified when the old me was only being stoned?

Truth to say, I don't really feel like putting up a fake front of joy and happiness right now. (That has nothing to do with who I 'really' am though!) Life is damn hard at this moment in time and I don't think it's much easier for most people who are for real (or not aware of what is really going on). All around me I see chaos (a lot of incompetence and irritability in the most unlikely places in every day life!), and find that my own personal life is the least chaotic of all, haha. It didn't always used to be that way and so I am thinking, hey, I am really not doing all that bad! Should I be listening to the opinions of people who have no idea what my life has been like and what I have achieved? Of course not. And now I'm talking about people in general, not just the people at the spiritual site I mentioned in relation to my writing.

It's so easy to resort to clichés like 'you are attracting this or that because you are X'. In fact, it can easily be part of a jargon in which people try and prove that you're inferior, and I shun anything that smells of competition. All I want is just to share stuff as friends do. I have been looking around the spiritual communities on the internet and in the real world enough to know that times are rough for a lot of people and I think it's enough to stick with that and stop causing guilt in ourselves or others. I for one feel immensely tired of the human games and the ego tripping that abounds. Unfortunately I'm not yet strong enough to react with pure love and compassion at all times. It's not that I am not compassionate, it's that all this is too overwhelming.

I get messages about not allowing myself to be bogged down by other people's negative experiences anymore. This to me is the hardest lesson of all. How do I retain a sense of compassion without sucking up all the energy of those who suffer? I used to feel attracted to Mahayana Buddhism due to their pertinence regarding this particular question, and now I know why! I felt so drawn to the ideal of the Bodhisattva (the Buddha who postpones his or hers final enlightenment in order to come and assist Earth people time and time again) but didn't quite know why... It agitated me to be one but it also agitated me not to know if I was some kind of being like that or not!

I would like to point out, that many people will tell an empath that it is not okay to feel 'too much' for someone else. According to common psychology, this could be an indicator of borderline or childhood traumas relating to the caretakers. It is of my opinion that it doesn't have to be! You know the answer. Again, if I had believed everthing people told me about myself I would probably not be here to day.

For now, I simply don't know how to strike a balance between compassion and detachment, though I do think I will solve the problem eventually with a little help from a friend and our guides. I have to say that it is counter to my belief to avoid those who have a bad time. However, in the end this is maybe not the real question here. What I mean is... I have a tendency to go and die a martyr's death if it seems necessary at the time, but this doesn't necessarily mean there is anything badly wrong with me. It may only be an indicator that I am compassionate and in this life in order to assist certain beings (this is what I have come to believe). However, now is the time when I need to gather strength for the times to come so that I can be of real help when asked to assist. There are times when we are simply wasting our energies for no real good at all or waiting far too long for the results to show, and times when we can actually do something of value. Now seems to be the time to start discerning between the two case scenarios.

I have to be aware of not carrying other people's burdens. When it comes to my near ones this is where it becomes truly difficult. It also becomes difficult when people confront me with assertive and impertinent energies. The point is how to keep walking up the stairs so that we can be strong and good examples to those who follow later. Just as I was thinking that my compassion is finally showing outwards, I had to revise the way that I am using it in my life...

I don't know if others recognize this dilemma but to me it's a major turning point or a defining issue. It also means that I cannot be there for someone I care for very much. I feel that am not in our joint enterprise for the right reasons. I can't confront this person with my reasoning right now because they don't have the capacity to recieve it. And so I am having to wait... with a bleeding heart because I cannot express how I feel but also cannot feel what I would like to express. That is, for the time being.

Later addition: One thing that someone pointed out to me is the talk of 'boomeritis' which in fact is a generation of people who have become incredibly narcissistic. The idea was that everyone respects each other's truths and no one takes the lead, so no evolution happens, it's just status quo. I'd say this connects to the idea of self-enhancement since it then becomes totally ok to bring out all your asssets and a little more. This is a very typical American phenomenon and just saw a bit of an interview with the famous American literary critic Harold Bloom saying something along those lines but in a profane context. Everything has to be exaggerated and over-zealous, but where does that take us? Someone always has to be on top behind the scenes even if on the outside, everyone accepts that everyone else is fighting for the highest position. See what I mean? It's a viscious cirlce I guess. I was brought up in a totally different atmosphere where any kind of self-enhancement is looked upon with disdain, 'don't you dare think you're anything and better than others', lol. To brag about one's credentials is really a deadly sin over here. I have trouble believing that these tendencies will disappear over night... How can we acquire a real and authentic sense of equality?

We are conditioned to judge... It's an automatic almost. It's VERY hard to stand strong in one's own truth when there is so much peer pressure (have touched upon that in other blogs). There is much to say about all this... Chogyam Trungpa called it spiritual materialism some 25 years ago, so people have been trying to warn against the spiritual ego traps all throughout the New Age. How do we rise above the look of others? Those rolling eyes, the gaze of disapproval...? As I've said before, if I had not believed in my higher self all these years I would have succumbed to pressure and I don't think I would have survived it. The labels, the diagnoses, the assumptions, the judgments... Gee, what a world! Yarra, it's good you question the semantics here too. I'm not sure I see a whole lot of difference between detached and un-attached but I do see your point. I myself am really squeezed up against the wall right now though. Two people in my life are supposedly (according to higher sources) keeping me from ascending due to the frustration and worries they bring about in me. So it's a bit like goldenrunner's situation in which you feel you have no choice but to put up with the malaise, yet you know it's hampering you. Why did I have to wake up this morning with such a heavy heart? It's not right... there should be an end in sight, after all these years of struggling to do the right thing and take the blame and trying to fix one's own issues... At least as far as me and my friend's guides are concerned her and I don't have to learn more about these things, and so we do need to somehow disengage emotionally from the people who drain us with their oh so human ways of defending their position or the trouble they are going through. It's like my friend said, 'it's just one thing after another' these days. They are things that COULD be part of projections of our own shadow issues but apparently they aren't. The question remains what the best way of dealing with all this is. So... close contact is the hardest place to be when it comes to compassion. So I think you, Yarra, were talking about from a different point of view, right? Some of us are like sponges and we HAVE to do something about it. Though I've been told there's no real hurry one does feel that time and opportunity is slipping away somehow... I guess we are all so eager to see an end to our own misery whatever it is (those of us who are still entangled in something)....

Artwork: "Choose Your Friends Wisely" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008