I have to say that among the most useful information on the ascension that has been available on the internet have been Karen Bishop's energy alerts, which explain some of the general energy occurences and how they may affect us. I think one of the most important things for myself has been the work I've had to do in order to detach from those who bog me down with their negative thoughtforms. This process has brought into play an enormous wave of compassion that has been more than difficult to handle. While it has become clear to me that I am indeed here at this time - embodying this particular body - primarily for reasons of compassion, it is also clear that this has not really come into its own in its full extent during my life hitherto. The more I read about other people's ascension symptoms, the more I realize that in a sense I've struggled with similar symptoms all my life, only without realizing exactly why I was feeling so pressured and divided in a deeper existential sense.
The feeling of having a divided self was evident when I was young and had closed off my emotional life. However, later on when I started to open up to feelings, it became evident that there was still some kind of division going on within myself. I know now that it's because I was having to reside in two dimension at the same time and that I had a 'double vision' in a spiriutal sense which allowed me to view people from a lower point of view as well as a higher point of view. It means that while I was able to see the ego issues I was also aware of the deeper and more truthful persona behind them. These two are existentially speaking equal as portrayed in my artwork above. I think this is why the idea of forgiveness never resonated with me though I tried to be a good girl and understand what people meant when they were insisting that I had to forgive those who hurt me! How can forgiveness be an issue when you understand that people act out of ignorance and a false ego? And also, how can it be an issue if you sense that the persona that you have taken on in this life time is not the real Self, and thus the hurt is a form of illusion? I don't mean to say I am insensitive to hurt, on the contrary, only that I don't find a need to do any rituals of forgiveness. I am saying this because I know it's a big issue for many, but it's not an issue for all of us.
I have chosen to live in the 3D reality in order to experience what other human beings experience, and I think it's because this is the only way to true compassion. It is also the only way in which I can transmit my experiences in a way that makes sense to human beings. I don't see how there could be a more constructive way of growing in spirit? Yet, as I said, I've had to also realize that taking on everyone else's problems energetically is no longer serving a purpose. I assume that the lesson was learned. And as Karen Bishop points out, now is the time to allow others to make up their own minds about how they want to live their lives and wake up to their own reality without somebody else influencing them to do so. It is very hard for me to see my American friend struggle so much with his issues, since I feel utterly helpless and scared of adding to his burden in any way. For instance, as I break down in tears because of all this, it is only making his situation worse. So somehow I have to let go and try and focus on my own clearance and my own spiritual path.
Issues of communication have also been very much on my mind lately. While the loving way seems to be the only truly acceptable way and aggression can not really be defended from any deeply spiritual point of view, in the 3D reality I've found that there are times when you have to be firm and assertive so that people don't continue to trespass your boundaries. Sometimes, you have to say "NO!" with force... (Sometimes you even have to enter a warzone, though I'll leave that subject aside for now.) For instance, the only way that I can protect myself from my mother's abuse of alcohol has been to give her an ultimatum: either she is sober when we meet, or she loses her only daughter. There are instances where I've looked through my fingers but this doesn't mean that I haven't gotten hurt and felt sad and drained from her insensitive behaviour. This is the reason why at the moment I am not in touch with her at all. I presume it will not last forever but it all depends on her own inner process. While I have to accept that I am lonelier than ever, I have at least been given the solace of my real soul sister, who suddenly appeared in my life. Though we live as far apart as me and the man I've been trying to build a relationship with, she is at least there for me and vice versa thanks to modern day technology. Karen Bishop talks of the reunion of families and friends, and so maybe this is my version of this kind of occurrence since I have lost most other people who used to be part of my life.
My father is upset with a mistake I made regarding our joint credit card and again I found myself in a situation where I felt that I had to talk in the only way he can understand, and that is by explaining what a rotten life it is for me who doesn't even have big enough an income to make me eligible for a card of my own. I absolutely hate going into a victim mode but also realize that it's very much part of this world and that I have to embody this humiliating 'role' for just a little longer. Right now is not the time to focus on the things we would like to have in order to lead a more comfortable life, now is the time to do solid work for the benefit of all and to show true and honest compassion in a world that is almost devoid of it.
Artwork: "Me Myself And I (Towards Integration)" collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2008
