"Just show him who's the boss, hold him tight and just do it. He'll be sulking for a couple of days but he'll come around eventually". This was my mother's advice. And no, it was not advice regarding a new boyfriend. All I have still are my cats. This was about getting the fur sorted out on one of my kitties, Marius. This kitty, however, is enormous and his poop is almost as big as that of a human being. I finally got to see it the other day when he couldn't be bothered to go out in the cold one day to take a crap. I've noticed that his fur has been getting knottier and knottier but I never wanted to take out the scissors when he came all loving and gooey to spend quality time with me on the sofa. When he sees them, he knows it's going to be nasty. Or at least that's what he believes. And that's enough to make him take off.
Anyway, I lifted him (with difficulty, I might add) from the bed to the sofa and started brushing him. It wasn't long before he started to growl and hiss. I thought to just put up with it and turned him over a few times while he was making sure that I knew that he meant serious business and was soon going to go for my throat. He sounded like a slaughtered pig and my little lady cat Beatrice who normally doesn't care much for the boys came and looked at Marius with great concern. What was going on? She couldn't figure out if I had suddenly gone bullocks and was torturing Marius or if Marius had lost it. Well, let's just say the whole thing wasn't really worth it because Marius looked just as scrubby after some brushing and combing as he did before. I guess it's just the way his winter fur is. He finally had enough, hit me hard with his paw, and managed to slip out of my grip.
After the session, Marius was obviously conflicted. In the night time he came to sleep with me and I took the opportunity to pamper him a little in the hope of forgiveness. He put up with it for a few minutes while staring meanly into thin air, then growled and got up to lie down at my feet. That's when I noticed he was limping. I have no idea if he had something wrong with his paw before the session or if he hurt himself while struggling with me. He has, however, been sulking all day long. I feel terribly distressed about it. The poor guy is a really sensitive fellow who doesn't open up to people that easily. What if I had betrayed his trust for all eternity? I resolved never to put him through this kind of ordeal ever again. I'll just have to try and cut the knotty hair off when he's not looking... Obviously, I rather have a happy cat that looks like a stray cat than one that avoids me out of fear and suspiscion. I've been trying to give him loads of my guilty love and I guess he's coming around, but I really miss his cheerful and trusting allure and hope he won't take too long to forget about all this. Yes, I really, really miss him!
This is what my life is like. I feel such concern in my heart over my only life companions - my cats. Only one other human gets that kind of attention from me and that's my mother, but I have a lot of trouble showing it. Our relationship has changed recently because she's tried very hard to be there for me and has obviously felt that we need to show each other that we care. Of course, she's the one from whom I inherited my issues with showing love. I don't know... lately a lot of feelings have been running amok in my heart. I've been thinking a lot about the guy that I tried to have a relationship with a year ago. A photoshow featuring some of the photos I took on our outings together is coming up soon, and that has naturally triggered a lot of feelings. However, remembering what Christmas and New Year's Eve was like last year in his company also brings to mind how incredibly insensitive he was to my needs. I think that I never wanted to believe that he was as selfish a person as I intuitively felt that he was. He totally upset me almost every day. Back then I thought I was just being intolerant. Now I realize that I did have a reason to suspect his sincerety and sense of realism. I was in a very difficult situation because I thought I must give this a chance and so I didn't want to be a quitter and run away at once. I also felt genuine compassion for his past traumas, and there was a lot of them (too many, I now realize). I also thought that beggars are not choosers. Now I know better... Still I went ahead and checked out a dating site last night.
The dating site claimed to be partly free of charge, but you really don't get much without paying. For instance, you can send messages but they can only be read if you have paid. Gone are the days when there were pretty nice sites that offered free service - at least I got to try out some dating at that time. The method of these guys is to ask you to take a test and determine your personality. I truly hate tests like that. They always give you too few options and in one section they asked you to choose your preference in a case of two bad case scenarios. For instance, which is better; a person who tries desperately to please others or someone who is completely untrustworthy? Brr, sounds like my ex-friend - both options! God, I don't know! Both are terrible options. I tell you, as it continued like that I started to feel as if I was being interrogated by the SS. It was all very stressful. Also, I thought I knew myself and would be able to pinpoint my characteristics. But I'm not at all! I'm trying to console myself by thinking that I must have such an expansive and ever-changing personality that it's impossible to ever squeeze it into a simple test that functions on the concepts of "normality"! The thing is, if I did something a certain way last time I was in a relationship, I probably won't do it the same way again. Come on, we're not robots for heaven's sakes! Or is that what we're supposed to be? Another really embarrassing question is how I would react if I saw the man of my dreams walk towards me on the street. How on earth would I know that?! It has never happened to me... I've never even had a crush on anyone. No, I had better stay away from anything that forces me into a category of sorts. And I certainly need to stay away from places where I risk being hit upon by men who are too "normal" themselves. Those who actually fit into the personality tests.
As for the man of my life, well, if I didn't believe in the workings of destiny and the higher purpose of things, I would surely go mad. I must not be desperate or cynical and rush into another disastrous relationship based on my gullible belief that love comes to me eventually when I allow a man to love me first. I truly hate that we are asked to have patience and put up with so much collective disturbance that isn't even directly related to the self during this time in history, but what choice do we have? We've got to be patient with our own growth as well as the collective evolutionary changes and people in general. It's hard for me to breathe and relax, but I cannot go chasing the rainbows again. God damn it, finding company is not something I should force simply because I cannot deal with the feelings of loneliness, disappoinment and loss. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about... I for one think that out of two bad alternatives I rather choose the one that allows the Universe to take care of my needs.
P.S. Someone just claimed that there are usually not only two options anyway. What do you think?
Artwork: Digital photograph "Marius in My Lap" by author, all rights reserved 2008