Friday, 12 August 2011


I've been feeling quite devoid of ideas regarding spiritual evolution. At times I've been feeling like a spiritual failure. I feel stupid, unevolved, undisciplined and highly flawed... who am to have any opinions on spiritual matters? Was it all just a dream that I was following all those years, a desire for deeper fulfilment that just isn't possible in this life? Perhaps letting go of the strife is the answer, but there's a fine line between letting go of non-constructive ideals while maybe starting to live life more authentically,  and just giving up. All the bits about being human are poignant and often quite humiliating. The "double vision" is still there though, which means that life as such with all its worldly concerns is being attended to, while at the back of the mind are thoughts about what is important from a spiritual point of view. I guess I keep coming back to my old friend compassion, one of those spiritual ideals that always resonated strongly with me, but one that also seems increasingly difficult to attain. I'm sure the lack of fear of rejection and anger about the way others treat you would remove a lot of anxiety and neuroticism. 

Well, sometimes I need to get all the frustration about other people out, yet going on and on about other people's flaws and unfair treatment isn't getting you anywhere. That's just amplifying neuroticism and negative feelings of all sorts. Let's just be practical about it. This may sound judgemental but after a reasonably long life of trying to connect with people I have realized that people are very preoccupied with themselves and it's not very often that they have innate empathy or a desire to develop this kind of trait. Numerous times I have looked at myself and wondered what I'm doing wrong or whether I'm projecting some lack of empathy myself, thus getting the same back. Other times I catch myself reaching out spontaneously, with a really heartfelt wish to give, and it tells me this is how I'd really like to be but I am often holding back because of bad experience. I'm not sure that there are any other reasons than that people are the way they are in this time and space. Someone might say, well it depends who's looking. That's true, but there is also an objective reality that we can get plenty of clues about if we look around. You have to accept that before you can change the way you see things subjectively, otherwise it'll just be a case of wearing rosy glasses. 

Perhaps there are things in ourselves that really aren't quite in place. Perhaps, for instance, we aren't open enough. Radiant people attract others, that's for sure. But we can't all be radiant, or radiant at all times; it can be just a bit too much to ask of ourselves during times of illness and stress. There's no point trying to force it, though keeping the idea of who we'd really like to be at the back of our minds is probably helpful in the long run. Be gentle with yourself; this is the starting point of a compassionate attitude. It can also be the way towards having a healthier body. This attitude includes accepting that you aren't always at your best or even doing the best that you can. In the end "the best that you can" is just a relative ideal among many others - sometimes useful, but sometimes harmful too because it can create stress. Vulnerability, which makes us hold back, is one of those things that can only be overcome gradually, and very gently. We are humans in a very human world, and it's natural to expect a bit of reciprocation. To give and give before we have become free of any expectations is very heavy. We need to find a balance, a way of managing our energies before we are ready to release them freely. That's my guess anyway. Progress is slow at times. 

Illness lowers the tolerance levels so much, not just physically, so it's much harder to have a positive attitude towards others. At the Chronic Babe Forum I see a lot of people who are "almost conscientious to a fault" as one of the girls expressed it. So much good intention and also a lot of frustration because of it - no wonder so many of these people get ill. In the end we just have to try and puzzle all these nonsensical bits together and see how we can best express ourselves in spite of the adversities. Avoiding the bitterness-trap with all its expectations of others could be a major life challenge, perhaps even a reason things are the way they are and people treat us the way they do.

Artwork: Digital Photograph, "Beckoning Shadows III", by author, all rights reserved 2011


  1. What lovely post. Accepting and touching our own vulnerability is what helps us have compassion for others, and compassion is the basis of true radiance.

    I love your art work too.

  2. Thank you so much for your comment, it is much appreciated!!

  3. Hi

    Great information in this post and I think there's no point trying to force it, though keeping the idea of who we'd really like to be at the back of our minds is probably helpful in the long run.

  4. Hi....

    Nice blog i read your post and really its very interesting and have done great effort with a lot of information regarding spiritualism, i hope you put more blog like this.
    Thanks for sharing

  5. Our body, words and the vibes (positive or negative irrespective of time or space) are essentially the MIRROR of who we are. Something that you love most, might be actually hated by the very core of me to the depths that you may have never known and vice versa. However, the same spirit and body is so liquid, dynamic and flexible that if allowed to develop, discuss, seek out, open up, it can achieve miracles. Just read through the pages of history and if possible amazing auto biographies of all those great people from past and present. Salam (peace)