Don't get me wrong, I think women are fabulous creatures and most of the time, I think of them as "allies". Not so much in a war against men as within the framework of the project called "understanding ourselves and men". However, for all their wonderfully nurturing aspects, many women are behind the failure of a man to find a good woman. In the past women were not necessarily all that caring because there were too many kids to take care of besides the abusive husband. The morals of the past did not allow children to be respected as children, but were treated in ways that now seem infinitely cold. When things started to change the pendulum went to the other extreme. From the "free upbringing" of the 1970s we are now experiencing an era where the child's needs always goes first. We have a lot of spoilt brats around these days. Kids who rule their parents - and I really didn't make this up myself. Let's hope the balance will be achieved soon!
Women obviuosly need to take extra care to raise their sons in a sound way. Girls seem to be more able to sort out issues of a dysfunctional childhood. But I have yet to meet a man who had an absent or overly needy mother that has actually gotten over it and healed. They roam the Earth restlessly on the look out for the woman who will meet their needs just perfectly, and will obviously never succeed unless they settle for a doormat. One of the men in my past did just that and you wonder... what does he really feel, deep down? They take on someone who will be their hore, cook and maid. But in avoiding the deeper confrontations that naturally come in an intimate relationship, this man is simply running away from responsibilities and from finally growing up. Maybe he makes more babies just to prove his manliness and to superficially keep his partner happy. There is no real and honest interaction and thus no growth or even sense of deeper meaning. What a measly life! Behind this man may be a bad father. One who yelled his head off all the time, possibly even drank and beat up his wife. But even worse, the mother is not there for the boy either. If only parents will learn not to become parents until they are sure they have healed enough to be able to take good care of their children. There is after all now a choice in the Western world. But let me be clear on this; I am not saying all men are dysfunctional, only the ones whose parents did a bad job. I'm sure there are a few who were able to work it through, possibly with a therapist and a loving spouse. But from what I've seen this is difficult for men as they often resist going inside to mend the faulty attitudes they have acquired early on. I also feel that many men have never learnt how to approach a woman, and I assume that has a lot to do with their upbringing and the general climate that makes it alright to pretend to be equal when it's calling for less efforts from the man. This in my opinion is not the way to go... equality is not about treating a potential partner with nonchalance.
I'm writing this because it may seem that I hate men. I really don't, but I'm somewhat frustrated, that's for sure. When you're over forty, single and all the nice men are taken while the rest are nonchalant or dysfunctional, it's not easy to turn a blind eye. What I really feel is that the sordid secrets that many people carry should be exposed to light so that the world can change. Women need to wake up and stop going for the men that echo their childhood wounds. They must find a balance between their vulnerabilities and their strength. They must not be needy and imbalanced within themselves. Only thus can they be the best of parents to their little boys. Boys who eventually need to grow up embracing their male side as well as the female one. All in good balance. These will be just the way women like them to be; strong and manly yet empathic and warm. It is hardly any surprise that women will one day be the same, only in a complementary sort of way that fits their counterpart exactly. When the fit is perfect, there is doubtless no more "need" of any kind. I know it's really hard... but somebody has to start the good trend. Someone has to say stop, no more, and try harder to affect the world even at the peril of being left alone. And it seems to me that women have to make a real effort to change things around... it's a huge responsibility, but possibly the only way?
A spiritual life begins with caring for the self... As someone wise once said, you need to be somebody in order to be nobody. In other words, you need a healthy ego, or strong sense of self, before you can surpass it and open up to the greater truth about your existance. There is in my opinion no escape from this. No matter how impossible or hopeless your situation, you really must become self-reliant and not sit around expecting someone to save you with their love. I know most of us has heard this many times... but as I'm living this truth in my own life I can honestly say that this is what I believe to be true. As I allow my true nature to take the lead I will eventually heal and stop attracting those who try to convert me to their beliefs. While writing about relationships has been an important task in this life, I'm sure that one day there will be no more hurting men in my life to complain about.
Artwork: "Ace of Hearts", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2009.