I have to admit that right now I'm not on top of things. Some incidents relating to people I trusted that all occurred almost at the same time shook me up so much that I am having real trouble rising above them. Where do I go from now? I admit: I feel so lost, so abandoned, so clueless... This I have thought many times and will say it out loud: beware of other people's channellings. (A channeller is someone who transmits messages from the spirit realm). Exercise the utmost discernment when you allow someone else the authority to tell you truths about your life and future. It doesn't mean that everything that comes through is false, only that each person is a subjective filter. Here is the greatest reason for my present state of distress - and I feel a need to be quite open about it although it is a vastly complex subject. I hope it will make sense:
I met a woman online on another continent who channelled messages and started to pass some onto me - she said she felt nudged to do so and called to help me, and without asking money for her favours. I was very grateful for this since I don't seem to be able to get advice anywhere else. I mean, who would deny the need of some illumination? The messages seemed encouraging and earnest, yet all in all they were somewhat confusing (possibly because the channeller was distracted at times). I found this person charming, as well, and was very happy to have a friendship with her. It seemed I had found a real life soul sister! Our connection on a soul level was indeed in the center of our conversations, and something I was a bit reluctant to accept right off the bat, but what could I do? I felt I just had to take her and her messengers' word for it. However, when I started to talk about the difficulty in being dependent on her help, she suddenly turned her back on me. She complained that her talent tends to get in the way of friendship, and thought that I was only out to get information about how to lead my life. Although I don't deny that the messages were welcome, I didn't expect her to become my personal provider of advice. I just wanted some clarity as to the few issues that had been brought to our attention. Of course I was interested in her friendship, why would I not have been? I felt that it was hard to give it 100 % credit before we had a chance to meet in real life, yet I was starting to count on it and plan my life accordingly. She was, for instance, offering to help me create an ambulatory exhibition of my artwork in the United States.
It is still a mystery to me, what exactly happened and if I did something terribly wrong. It seems to me (but of course I can't be sure) that this person was hoping that I would become needy of her assistance, while on some other level she resented having to write this stuff for me. I have reasons to believe that this might be a pattern in this person's life, though I guess I will never know for sure. I confess there is something I tend to do subconsciously in relation to others: I know from experience that when I have doubts, I tend to provoke people to show me their true intentions. In other words, I push buttons. It's not that I necessarily poke around, I just tend to bring out my feelings quite strongly and very often they are not in line with the other person's expectations. This is why I often end up being cut off quite brutally from other people. Is what I am doing wrong? Well, I don't really think so - it's just not the thing to do among human beings. Most people are not prepared to look at their shadow selves. I know that something of the kind is coming to the surface when people's behaviour towards me changes very radically from nice to mean. I can only assume that my gutfeeling is directing me to expose the truth. Whether I would be doing this if I had not had a dysfunctional childhood where my authenticity was questioned during a sensitive age when I felt very awkward about myself and how to act is hard to say... I think I probably would, because I do seem to be dedicated to honesty all around (though there's no denying that my childhood experiences set a snowball rolling). I usually try and allow space for some talk about the issue in question but most of the time, people don't wish to acknowledge that they may have a side to them that is not quite so agreeable. I did try and suggest to the person in question that maybe we both pushed each others' buttons, but she would have none of it. The tone in the last letter was cold and calculating, and referred to the idea of possible money transactions between us. As soon as people start to talk business within the frames of a friendship, I back out.
I have no idea how much of herself this person put in the messages. All this left me very confused and sad beyond words. The last thing she said was, 'the guides say that from now on they will talk directly to you'. Well, needless to say my life only changed for the worse and I am not recieving any advice as how to cope and what to believe. I would at least like to know if I did do something wrong! It saddens me that this one time that I had decided to trust a person, I ended up abandoned so quickly. Was I tested and meant to become ever more resilient?
This incident took me by great surprise since I opened up to this person more than I normally do, and I thought some fog in my life would finally be dispelled. At the moment, I simply don't know how to rise above this. I've had friends abandon me in the past but it never hurt like this. It's possible that there was a true connection there that surpasses the mundane level we are residing on right now. On the other hand it was like the last drop; I have enough of people who so easily promise to stand by me (which she assured me a couple of times prior to disappearing) and who then just walk away without an apology and making me look like I am the one (the only one!) who is to blame. Most of the time people who are in a constellation are both responsible for their part in both the positive and the negative things that go on between them.
I am trying to be self-reliant and yank up my self-confidence. I decided that I rather bet that the guides are real and are trying to help me, than become a bitter sceptic because of some human dysfunction. However, it is very hard for me to accept that I have no way of communicating with my guides at this point in time, and since I am forced to be very isolated anyway, this is a tough issue to deal with. This will call for even more patience and persistence (as if there had not been plenty of that already!). I think the worst thing is that it seemed as if the guides really wanted for her and I to share and support each other.
Now was there any subordinate meaning to this incident? Was this a harsh reminder that I can rely on and trust myself only? I really thought I was doing well enough, but I admit that I fell for the temptation of hearing the messages out. In recent years I've been open to advice in the hope of enriching my viewpoints. However I've resisted asking psychics as what to do with my life, as I had a very bad experience some 10 years ago. This time the messages were just offered to me, "just like that", for free, and seemingly making a lot of sense. They also made me cry when I felt there was a lot of kindness behind the words. Was I wrong in accepting it? I believed myself to be a discerning person but this really took me by surprise. I know all channellers have their subjective filter, so I was trying to be careful, yet it was pretty stressful as I couldn't ask directly what something meant, but had to wait for the right occasion.
Now I don't mean to sound as if I am out to put a blame on everyone else. I'm sure this person thinks of me as having treated her unkindly - maybe in her mind I was ungrateful, jealous of her abilities, callous, or just plain toxic..? Don't you just hate the feeling of being the one that needs to be avoided because of some negative traits that you might be guilty of if you think really long and hard about it?! Well... we all have hissy fits sometimes (I tend to get them when I feel cornered) but surely everything can be talked through and sorted out, in an atmosphere of mutual respect. Surely that's the mature way that helps both parties continue their lives with a sense of closure? However there has to be that little mutual 'spark' or something, a vibe, that tells you it will pay off to open up and apologize. When it's not there and you find yourself talking to a wall it can bog you down immensely. It's ironic, because people that were pointed out in the messages as bogging me down with worries that prevent me from soaring higher have not made me feel even half as bad as this person did!
In order not to be too judgmental and narrow minded, I am trying to contain what I thought was good or reasonable information through the messages, and forget the rest. This in my opinion is the way of true positive thinking. But my heart is bleeding!
Artwork: "Who Cares?", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008