I've been feeling really rotten for a few days but was pretty upset that a good friend suggested anti-depressants. So that I should walk around like an uncreative zombie? How can people who supposedly care for you give such simplistic advice? Especially when they know that they are the cause of it, whether intentionally or not. That and many other things proved to me that we didn't know each other as well as she thought we did. I feel guilty for having blown up but I know now that a deep feeling of being disempowered and helpless took over and shook me to the roots. This is how I felt when I was a child; always powerless in front of those who supposedly knew more about me than I did. The sad fact is that my parents really had no clue whatsoever how to deal with a child, let alone their own problems. So there I was, forever waiting to grow up... and these things seems to be recurring now. My friend has kindly passed on channelled messages to me and it was great for a start: finally I was given some personal guidance. But she was stressed and unfocused and a lot of misunderstandings occurred that turned a good thing into one that was really harmful to me. So after a long period of attempted patience I just couldn't deal with it anymore. My stress level was soaring high and forget about the sleep... So how was I going to get out of this situation?
It seems that I created irrepairable damage to my relationship and so I had best forget about that and realize it was a very concrete example of the free will that I never realized I have so much of. What was I supposed to do now? Having thought about this for a sad and stressful day I realized that I shouldn't blame the guides, since they seemed to exist and a lot of what they said made sense. So I tried to pass on a message of truce to the universe. I don't blame my friend either but I think we should have talked about how much responsibility she carries as a channeller, and what distress being a guinea pig in this enterprise caused me. I had to take my power back. Even if it will again be a lonely road it is better that I am in charge of my life and don't let the people influence me emotionally NOR mentally. I just have to get on top of things, somehow, and sometimes it's best done alone. Especially if you feel overwhelmed and confused.
This very much reminds me of Karen Bishops latest energy alert which is all about volatile feelings and insecurity, plus a need for rejunvenation. So these are NOT easy times and that's a fact too. Sometimes my feelings are so deep I had never felt them that way before. This also reminds me of an old blog I wrote once when I was attempting to recollect my power from someone who was doing all they could to disempower me. It was widely read at the time. I'll include it here though it's already over a year old and my perspectives have changed since then.
"I know there is a book about being a spiritual warrior, but I haven't read it. Still the phrase has stuck on me, and I'm going to talk a little bit about what it means to me to be one.
The Law of Attraction is great for many but it's obvious that people will interpret it the way they want to. It's also true what a friend of mine pointed out, that it's everyone's own business if they want to create affluence or something else, what matters is whether this person's heart is open or not. This is again a very tricky thing. I don't think your heart just opens puff in an instant. Or if it does, then maybe it wasn't really closed in the first place, or maybe you're fooling yourself, or maybe it's really a question of a spontaneous, almost "miraculous" event. Who knows, probably anything is possible. But at least for me, it's a long and arduous process, that involves a lot of learning.
What I have been carrying with me for about 15 years now are the Buddhist and Taoist ideas that we need to become more discerning and take the right action at the right time. Apparently islam teaches this too. One needs to keep in mind that there's a difference between mystical teachings and the institutionalized religions, just as there's a difference between profound teachings and more superficial interpretations of the teachings that then often become what people usually call "dogmas" ( often in a slightly spiteful way). When I write or speak to people I tend to talk about my own experiences, because I think it's the most powerful tool we have to reach others. Some may not agree and may find me tedious. Sure, it's possible that I am tedious at times. But I want to try to stay true to myself and only use the insight that I feel I have integrated into my being, and not just repeat teachings in a bookish way. At least I try to.
I believe that honesty and truthfulness to ourselves and the point we are at in our own development are crucial. We have to allow ourselves to succeed and fail as well. The learning process is one of trial and error. Little by little we're getting there. However, the biggest challenge arises when other people are not accepting of our journey and do not tolerate neither our success nor our failure. I think that if you are sincere in wanting to learn how to keep your heart open, then many people and events will challenge you on the way. You will have plenty of opportunity to test your skills and your self-esteem and integrity. Since my heart started to open up, I have met many a control freak on the way. Many a times I have been stabbed in the back. These people are trying to exert power over me. They are trying to bend me to suit their purposes. They might start off by being nice to you and say something to the effect that they feel in their heart that you need a certain thing that they can show me. Often they are trying to "MAKE" me understand their insight and superior tutorial position. In my last blog I mentioned what someone had written to me things such as "I see through your stories", "how can I make you see what I'm trying to show you?", "your refuse to see what I'm trying to point out to you", etc. I had not provoked this person to say these things to me. At least I don't think I did. I did not write any long explanatory messages in self-defiance, because I figured, again this is a time to just stay quiet, then this problem will subside and I do not have to continue dealing with this person. I sincerely want things to end as fast as possible. But I did make some sarcastic remark as a reply, such as "oh really?". Apparently it was too much. When I got that very patronizing letter as a reply I saw red, and could not keep myself from answering back that who the heck do you think you are, etc. I guess sometimes you might even have to go to war and fight for your rights.
We do not want to be abused, nor be abusers, right? The point is not to give in to other people's idea of what you are supposed to be like, or what teachings you should follow. I think the difficulty is that you're still learning, so you may be both vulnerable and strong at the same time. I show a lot of my vulnerability to people, and hope that they don't abuse what they learn to know about me. This is probably a bit naîve of me, because very often they do, but maybe it is the only way I can be right now. I also show my strength and assertiveness at times, which also gets me into trouble. But honestly, what else can I do? I am still learning. At times I feel so lonely, as if it's me against the world. But then suddenly, someone comes and backs me up. That is just so beautiful. To me, this is the way of the spiritual warrior. Don't accept other people's crap. But try to head for the loving, compassionate approach and a strong, secure fort where nobody can hurt you anymore, and let go of the hurt of the past. Be true to yourself. Whatever you do, stay true.
Artwork: "There Is Nothing To Fear" (The Only Way Is Up), handmade collage/mixed media by author, all rights reserved 2008