I am someone who believes in the intrinsic beauty and goodness of humankind. The rest is just the outcome of ignorance. Sure there are evil spirits and all that - dualism is a fact. I don't concern myself too much with such things. I look at people and all in all my heart goes out to them. Yet in my daily life I also get to see so much vile and selfish behaviour. If I didn't believe that things are shifting towards more awareness and that a lot of the crap that's now visible is out for reasons of purification, I don't know how I would have the strength to go on. I don't know why I am supposed to see all this. Perhaps it's part of the challenge of holding onto spiritual strength when everything around you crumbles to dust.
We all know that young people change a lot and even after 20 some adjustments happen to make the person into who they are supposed to be. It's all very well when you can see that good morals that have been installed earlier are still there somewhere beneath the seemingly chaotic changes and you know that things will be alright in the end. But when you witness someone who seemed like such a kind, talented and deeply reflecting person become superficial, self-obsessed and self-indulgent, it can really make your stomach turn. Even more so if this was someone you thought of as a friend and really felt that you connected with and respected despite the age difference. So what if they change - that's part of life and should be welcomed as an occurrence of some interest. Besides, anyone with a vivid inner life changes, even though at a slower rate as they grow older.
Ok, a few words first before I go on about observations I've been unfortunate enough to make throughout my life: Most men that I have encountered love to keep you waiting. Is it a matter of a power-game? Secondly, they make promises they don't keep. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed this, since there's plenty of womens' words of wisdom around that indicates that this is the case. Thirdly, men have trouble committing to anything unless it satisfies their egos. I know, it sounds absolutely awful to say all this. Isn't there anything positive? Right now I don't know. I know that I like men and am curious about them, but I don't know why.
Will I ever encounter even one man who is willing to committ to friendship or more with me? This I doubt today when my friendship with a young man has been cast aside out of convenience's sake. What infinite sadness to be discarded as a mere drop in their sea of exciting and self-satisfactory sea of indulgences. To find out that one's care and support (including a stern belief in them) was of no value whatsoever and that the only reason for the relationship was that one was willing to act as a trashbin. To be told off with words indicating that "it has nothing to do with you" (how often have we not heard that!) and that they need to be alone, yet still hear about all the interesting friends they are making meanwhile. Ok, I admit it could be worse. I could have actually done something wrong. But in a way it's almost as bad to find out that who you are mattered not in the least. And yes, I was indeed attracted to this person's intellect and now the excuses all sound so very self-aware and rationally justified. But the warmth and maturity that I percieved earlier seems gone out of the window and all that I see staring inbetween the fancy lines is self-righteousness and egotripping. A man's fear of committment seems to dominate any concerns about the depth of sincere friendship. Unfortunately this is not the first time I'm witnessing the change from a charming and interesting young man into a selfish bastard. What can I say to make it alright? Good riddance, I guess.
Artwork: "The Rise and Fall of Human Vanity", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008