I work every day with my cognitive disposition, and try and look at the brighter side of things. I also don't deny the negative feelings but try not to dwell on them for too long. Despair and hopelessness can create just that, but it's probably one of the greatest challenges for mankind. So many are in disempowered positions and need to feel that a brighter future lies ahead if they just manage to hold onto hope and also act when needed to improve the state of affairs. Yet I seem to be failing... Maybe the answer is simple: maybe my soul simply has not had all of the more challenging experiences it came here to get, yet. I know for sure that my life's purpose is not an easy one and that it does involve a desire for altruism and honesty. But god I'm so tired... I am so at the end of my ability of assimilating so much adversity and ignorance in my environment. At times I truly wonder what guarantee there is that anything will ever improve. Statistically or rationally speaking my chances are really slim. Yet I can't deny that there are avenues that could open up if the Universe is willing. It does involve a lot of work from my side - more than I really have the capacity for. But I am trying my best.
Since I quit the drugs that were suppposed to help me sleep plus act as antidepressants, my insomnia has gotten really, really bad. The "quit" caused un upsurge of energy but I also suddenly had to face a whole lot of concrete issues to take care of. Maybe it was just as well that I rested for a month but it might have screwed up my sleep functions even more and also postponed stuff that I should have dealt with during that time. Unfortunately many things are worrying. I am very upset that my American ex boyfriend hasn't followed up on any of his promises. First it was the question of "I'll come and get you no matter what". Then it was stuff such as "I promise to send you your stuff very soon...", and the "soon" was soon long gone and nothing had happened. Some foreign student from Japan who he hardly knew was apparently more important (support-wise, money-wise) than supporting my photoshow by sending me the prints left from last show in the US as promised. Apparently she had tumours all over her body, fell in a coma, and eventually died. Ok, it's sad and all that. But according to my principles, someone close to you is always more important than someone who is a stranger, especially if promises are involved. This negligence towards my show which is causing me a lot of headaches due to a number of technical problems just doesn't seem right. I know he wanted to stay "friends" but this is another case in point: I don't do postrelationship friendships. Am I being negative? I try not to fret but the truth is, the waiting for my things and constant reminder of my disappointments regarding the relationship in question is really bugging me, not least at night.
I went to see the doc today. Unfortunately, due to national healthcare there is only one doctor who can deal with my insomnia and other issues involving mental health rather than the purely physical side. This guy gave me some negative vibes right from the start: believing he is so well read that he knows exactly what he's talking about. Turns out he prescribed stuff that was aggravating symptoms I have anyway. But the most shocking thing is his attempts to get me to eat an antidepressant that supposedly releaves psychosymatic symptoms. This time I told him, hey, I do NOT have pshychosomatic symptoms, they are somatic. But what about the fibromyalgia, he asks. He knows for sure that fibromyalgia is a host of psychosomatic symptoms that, apparently, one should mind ones way out of. "Luckily" in this case, I don't have classical fibro but a spinal deformation that causes the same symptoms. I've told him so many times, but nothing registers. I finally showed him my back, whose issue is visible, and forced my case. But needless to say this experience left me very distressed and nervous about the future. I had hoped that he would be knowledgeable about medicines since his reputation promised he would, but all I get is the inability to see the whole picture and take the course of treatment from there. So right now I feel clueless. But I'm trying very hard not to feel hopeless. Who knows, I could still sell a best seller or marry a rich man.
Since I quit the drugs that were suppposed to help me sleep plus act as antidepressants, my insomnia has gotten really, really bad. The "quit" caused un upsurge of energy but I also suddenly had to face a whole lot of concrete issues to take care of. Maybe it was just as well that I rested for a month but it might have screwed up my sleep functions even more and also postponed stuff that I should have dealt with during that time. Unfortunately many things are worrying. I am very upset that my American ex boyfriend hasn't followed up on any of his promises. First it was the question of "I'll come and get you no matter what". Then it was stuff such as "I promise to send you your stuff very soon...", and the "soon" was soon long gone and nothing had happened. Some foreign student from Japan who he hardly knew was apparently more important (support-wise, money-wise) than supporting my photoshow by sending me the prints left from last show in the US as promised. Apparently she had tumours all over her body, fell in a coma, and eventually died. Ok, it's sad and all that. But according to my principles, someone close to you is always more important than someone who is a stranger, especially if promises are involved. This negligence towards my show which is causing me a lot of headaches due to a number of technical problems just doesn't seem right. I know he wanted to stay "friends" but this is another case in point: I don't do postrelationship friendships. Am I being negative? I try not to fret but the truth is, the waiting for my things and constant reminder of my disappointments regarding the relationship in question is really bugging me, not least at night.
I went to see the doc today. Unfortunately, due to national healthcare there is only one doctor who can deal with my insomnia and other issues involving mental health rather than the purely physical side. This guy gave me some negative vibes right from the start: believing he is so well read that he knows exactly what he's talking about. Turns out he prescribed stuff that was aggravating symptoms I have anyway. But the most shocking thing is his attempts to get me to eat an antidepressant that supposedly releaves psychosymatic symptoms. This time I told him, hey, I do NOT have pshychosomatic symptoms, they are somatic. But what about the fibromyalgia, he asks. He knows for sure that fibromyalgia is a host of psychosomatic symptoms that, apparently, one should mind ones way out of. "Luckily" in this case, I don't have classical fibro but a spinal deformation that causes the same symptoms. I've told him so many times, but nothing registers. I finally showed him my back, whose issue is visible, and forced my case. But needless to say this experience left me very distressed and nervous about the future. I had hoped that he would be knowledgeable about medicines since his reputation promised he would, but all I get is the inability to see the whole picture and take the course of treatment from there. So right now I feel clueless. But I'm trying very hard not to feel hopeless. Who knows, I could still sell a best seller or marry a rich man.
Artwork: "The Vocation", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008
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