When Self-Esteem is Wavering...

I woke up too early and the events of the past year were rushing by as my breathing became rushed as well. A weird gray host of shadows of the past are fleeting by, haunting me. I never really had an issue with self-esteem to speak of, but this morning I felt that something was about to tip over and that I was losing a certain innate dignity that I always had. On the one hand I've had to deal with a lot of pretty self-righteous and ignorant people, on the other hand I've had to listen to the New Age take on the law of attraction and the likely reasons I've been "unfortunate" in this regard. It's all more than I can deal with. I'm having self-doubts. I'm not saying this is the first time. But let's just say this has been a particularly bothersome year starting with the visit to the USA where I nearly married a man I didn't love! Followed by a line of people who let me down emotionally in a more excruciating way than I've ever experienced from half-strangers before. Coming onto me strongly with all their friendship, love and at times even wise words, as they claimed, from some higher source, and then getting really nasty because I didn't comply with their expectations or I wasn't interesting as a friend. And the waiting... for many things and people. But mostly I've waited for almost a year to get my stuff back from the USA and I am really worried about them since there are some real heirlooms among them. I said in my last blog that I don't "do" self-blame. I was wrong. I do blame myself for trusting that guy's eloquent promises and leaving such precious items in his care. Isn't all this enough to make a person doubt him or herself?

And maybe I'm getting old.

Christmas is becoming more and more of an arduous affair. Here in Scandinavia, some people go for it as it's an "excuse" to create a wonderfully cosy atmosphere and a silver edge on the cloud, but for most it is devoid of spiritual meaning and a stressful time dominated by commercialism that more and more people are choosing to avoid altogether. Strong memories are triggered by holidays and plague many - they haunt me too. Many have demanding family meetings that are more stressful than fun. For someone like me who doesn't have children, the whole undertaking is one that creates very mixed feelings. I love the candles and the glitter, and they don't even cost that much. But Christmas does tend to cost money that I don't have and the odd Christmas cards and gifts can create stress. Some kind of fir twigs as a stand in for a tree that we cannot afford has to be gotten so that one has something to hang the decorations on. The decorations are mostly things my mom picked while she was working in a Christmas decoration factory for a number of years, so many of you have balls that she tinted. Anyway... it's just getting more ridiculous with each year, and maybe the fact that we couldn't find any worthwhile stand-in for a tree this year was an indication that it's got to stop... I'm joking - I don't really mean that I see meaning in such things but who knows.

There seems to be too much to do and too little joy in the doing. Most of my adult life I've spent Christmas alone with my mother, which is fine since we do care for each other a lot. But I tend to get tired so easily and she loses her nerves. To try and keep a happy balance during this time becomes a task even when the "chores" have been reduced to an absolute minimum. Here in my country we celebrate Christmas Eve and so it tends to get a bit hurried and intense. The next day I mostly feel hollow. I always get some really great technical gift from my mother that is much needed but usually I don't have a joyful feeling about it until later when it comes to regular use. I feel guilty about not being able to show all my gratitude. Because at times I cry my eyes out when I think of the fact that my mother is the only person who has ever been truly supportive of me. I tell myself that I did my part when I was little, but I am not always so sure. Uh, did I just say I don't self-blame... We also share a belief in loyalty, and though at times it becomes a suffocating affair, in general it's something to feel proud of.

They do say that Christmas brings in especially strong energies so maybe that is another reason why it can be a mellow experience.

A lady I've been in touch with over the internet has a way of expressing herself that always resonates with me a lot. She wrote to me today about some observations regarding the incident with the other lady who came onto me very strongly about her guided messages to me (see my previous blog). I am clueless as how to deal with these incidents emotionally. I feel I will start to scream my head off if it ever happens again. I'm wrecking my brain as to why I attract these people but I truly think the main issue is that I am sometimes too intense in the way I express myself and that somehow I manage to use words that set off the alarm system in people who have a need to rescue others. The lady who wrote me today said things that I had observed for myself too, but she also added that apparently the one who wanted to rescue me cannot bear to witness suffering in other people. I have no doubt that she must have felt this very strongly, she did display a whole array of symptoms of great distress, hurt and desire to fix the "bad" although she herself denied it completely. I was thinking, how terrible it must be to feel that involved in everyone who is hurting! To me the spiritual lesson number one is to allow people to follow their crooked paths and not interfere other than with the utmost care and respect for the other person's will. I was wondering how anyone who claims to have seen the light can be ignorant of this sacred truth? But then again, the world is indeed full of people from every walk of life. What I need to do is to learn not to let these things bother me so much. It's easier said than done because one of the great lessons in my life has been a limited life in which I have to rely on the goodwill of other people to live a livable life. When I walked into the relationship that lasted a couple of years and then moved to this small town resort, things have been extremely difficult in this regard.

Am I only in a phase? Will things change? Is my weird role as a shadow-triggerer of real purpose or is it just whatever? I mean, I can understand that many who have a tendency to be Rescuers or Redeemers need people to "practice" on who actually refuse to be part of the constellation. If these people's souls are craving for lessons then surely I have a job to do? On the other hand I'm having to learn something too but other than the need to be more quiet about my occasional angst I'm not quite sure yet what the purpose is. I used to be so darn clever in analyzing my own faults and what I need to do in order to correct them, but I'm either too overwhelmed or tired or then it's just not something I need to do anymore. Who knows. I know that I am not alone in having had a particularly strenuous year. I personally could use some breathing space and happy events without any brooding undertones. They have promised "new beginnings" during 2009. Let's hope for those!

Artwork: "The Past Comes Crumbling Down", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008