I've suspected for a very long time already that my soul's purpose is to hold onto my deeper, intuitive belief in the underlying oneness and spiritual nature of reality in the face of incapacitating limitations. The person who confirmed this Julie Redstone, a spiritual teacher who is behind this site: http://www.worldblessings.net/. According to her, one of my main challenges has to do with spiritual strength. She defines it as such:
"/Spiritual strength/ can be turned in different directions. When used to support negative energies it becomes a powerful force in that direction; when used to support positive energies it does the same thing in the opposite direction."
"Spiritual strength is important because it represents the integrity of who you are and the power of who you are to remain connected with yourself and with God despite whatever personal circumstances may befall you. It is also the power to remain strong for others should the need arise. It is a strength of knowing and trusting rather than a strength of will as applied to the circumstances of life. For these circumstances can create great limitation, but spiritual strength can remain undaunted in the face of them. /.../ Spiritual wisdom based on truth is what gives a person such strength, and it is the personality level of expression and emotion that may conceal it from the self. "
It seems that at this point in time, it's best for me to listen inwards as much as possible and wait as patiently as I can while embracing life with an attitude of acceptance of the way it presents itself. I don't know for how long I have to endure the severe limitations but there is not much I can do about them except, as Julie Redstone suggested, hold onto a sense of hope.
At times it has been overwhelmingly hard for me to hold onto the beliefs that I have naturally and have developed throughout my life. I guess this is only natural considering that I've had to deal with severe adversities in terms of a physical disability, childhood traumas and their consequences, as well as a poor economic situation. It occurred to me the other day that I've been living a kind of perpetuous "Dark Night of the Soul" for as long as I've lived this life (see previous blog about the DN). It could account for the strong sense of alienation and feeling of abandonment by supportive forces. All I've had is my inner knowing. The knowing prevents me from trying to force my circumstances in some nicer direction while I don't really feel it and believe in it on a deeper level. This may irritate many spiritually minded people who believe in the creative power of intention. I understand what creativity is about and fully support the idea of conscious co-creation of reality, albeit with the exception of times when things are meant to be a certain way in order to provide with greater challenges for the soul's growth. I also think there's a danger in giving fuel to the denial of negative stuff by trying too hard to affirm the positive outcome of life's issues. Nonetheless, I do get very strong incentive at times that urges me to jump at an opportunity, and I've never been one to miss it when it does occur.
I am by no means the only one has chosen this sort of path, so I thought it appropriate to bring out some of these thoughts. It seems that this has been a tough autumn for many, myself included. Those who believe in a collective paradigm shift have their take on why it's this way. I was contemplating whether I'd have to resort to some happy pill in order to stay better focused. In short, I was aware that I needed to try and not give fuel to negative lines of thinking and though it's always good to try and feel more hope and other positive feelings, I felt capable of "hanging in there" only. In the end I did decide to try some new medicines but it wasn't really worth it. The combination was aimed to make me fall asleep with more ease and to have better deep sleep, but I slept half the day and felt really groggy and low in energy the rest of the day. One of the drugs causes a feeling of dementia which was really troublesome when I was performing for the radio. I couldn't think straight, felt verbally uncreative, lost my words and my speech was sligthly slurred. Eew! The anti-depressant has made me feel constant hunger but even though I haven't eaten that much and am not taken to junk foods, I have gained 5 kilos in two months. It totally freaks me out to gain weight! I rather be a bit too skinny as before than chubby like I am now. I feel bloated as well, which of course could have something to do with the stomach issue as well. I'm due to undergo some serious examinations at the hospital since the symptoms are different from before.
Let's just say the side-effects of the new medication were outweighing any positive effects. On the actual emotional level, I felt like a zombie, as if the lid was on a brewing stew in a cooking pot. I was turning into someone I really didn't like at all - a mindless couchpotato! I decided to taper off. I suspect that the bouts of anxiety and nightmares I've been experiencing lately could be a result of issues that I haven't dealt with for a number of weeks... I can't say this is true for sure but this possibility is worth some consideration, isn't it? I will have to continue taking the rather straightforward stuff that I've been used to taking in order to sleep and suffer any positive consequences in terms of greater emotional volatility. But hey, I'm an artist!
My verdict: I truly do not think that you can "fix" a time of adversities by popping happy pills. If you have clinical depression for no obvious external reason then it may be a different issue altogether.
I've had to deal with people who have been incompetent or plain negligent. It's hard to contain your frustration when you're dependent on people who do their job poorly. The whole rumba to do with my social situation and the radio show that will present it has of course been rather stressful. No one wants to have to tell the whole rest of the world about one's money or social issues in a way that is not fully in one's own control. I also don't like having to point out the social people who have wronged me out of ignorance rather than plain meanness.
I have also had to endure a long bathroom renovation, having had to resort to the sauna nextdoor for personal hygiene. This is a rental apartment so it wasn't really my responsibility to see that it was done properly. Nevertheless I had to call them up quite a few times in order to get some jobs done faster (such as getting the electricity to work before the weekend), and I'm still waiting to see what they are going to do about the massive layer of concrete dust that penetrated through the cabinets and other mysterious holes in the wall. I have cleaned most of it as I couldn't bear to live with that feeling of dirt and chaos. Now the bathroom is almost done and of course it's quite the positive change from what it was like before. Who knows, maybe it's symbolic of the inner restoration of faculties of clearance and clarity of vision! Ironically, the chaos I was living with for so long incited me to rethink the layout of my whole home. When I moved to this town, I took a council flat in order to be safe as the ones on the market usually fall prey to the changes of ownership at a very fast rate. However, the "cost" is a house of extremely poor standard. Oh well. I am so ready to move out of this place and into a more comfortable and happy life! Sometimes my daydreams are so vivid I feel that they might actually come true...
Artwork: "In Need of a Break", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008