Today is my birthday. There is no one else around but my mother who will bring a cake so that we can garnish it with whip cream and strawberries as usual. I told her that I really don't care much for presents at this time, since we are so short of money and I am trying to declutter my life so that I'll be even more ready for the new things that promise to show up soon.
Now one thing that concerns me a great deal is that I have a relationship that reliable sources say is enabling. By this they mean that I make it too easy for him to avoid taking charge of his own life. I also worry a lot for him and this is dragging me down. Under normal circumstances I would just go on as usual, and give him the fair chance that he deserves. He is trying so hard to fit into my life, and he truly wants it very badly. Yet everything that can possibly go wrong this year has been going wrong both in his personal life as well as within our relationship. I feel that I should be there for him, yet at the same time I also realize that now is a time to detach from other people's karma and the kind of problems that really affect us negatively. I feel sad and guilty for having such thoughts, yet why should I sacrifice myself? I have trouble pinpointing my feelings but it seems that what I feel for him is not the kind of love you build a relationship on, but a love based in deep friendship. I still seem to be learning about emotions!
Now for those who don't know about the events over the past few years I need to clarify a few points. First, I broke up with my first real partner a year and a half ago. I then dated a man on the internet for a few months, but he pulled out in the end, which turned out to supply me with a sense of relief... Then my current partner showed up. We talked on Skype for several months until I was able to visit him on the other side of the world. In the end I only stayed there for as long as my visa allowed me, which is three months. During this time I experienced plenty of anxiety and frustration. I didn't feel that he understood my needs and that he was quite in the dark as how to deal with me and understand what I was all about. I am not sure he tried hard enough... No doubt our months on Skype had provided him with this picture of an angel that would come to help him sort out the basic issues in his life (make better food, help create a nice home, inspire him to exercise, be there for him in times of trouble...) and it turned out that I was a real person with real needs. I have a history of disregarding my own needs and so I was trying to be really aware of this point of view in building this relationship. In the end I had to leave, as there was not enough money to support the two of us. It has a lot to do with the economics of the continent and other personal details that I cannot share here in public. Needless to say, it was a relief to come home to my red sofa and my lovely things, and have no one else demand anything from me but my picky little cats... I realized it was time for me to focus on myself now, which in fact is much supported by people like Karen Bishop who are trying to explain the workings of the ascension process.
Yesterday I was waiting for my dear male friend (the one I am talking about here) to call me as usual, but I was waiting in vain... Turns out he overslept and had to take care of things before he could call me. Due to the time difference this meant that he didn't show up until midnight my time, wanting to be the first to wish me happy birthday. By that time I was in a really bad mood. The night before I had been crying my eyes out over all sorts of strong emotional issues that revealed themselves to me. I felt enormous sadness and compassion and was no doubt going through the reality of my emotional life the way it expresses itself at this moment in time. Apparently this caused me a headache that bordered on migraine, so I did not have a very nice Sunday! Plus there was no one around even on the internet, and I felt extremely lonely after the quick but intense visit at my house of a dear old friend and her kids. As I was complaining to my male friend my internet connection suddenly went down. Now how often does this happen? I had to wait for an hour until it came back on - it was probably a case of service but it came at the worst time possible! Of course my friend was no longer available. I waited 45 more minutes and then called him on the phone, which is way too expensive for both of us. He had of course thought that I had hung up on him on purpose. So by the time I got to bed it was really late. Not a great way to start a birthday! Not that it really matters all that much at this age, yet still...
My point here is, that when things just don't seem to flow naturally, something may be wrong from a higher perspective. I have not been told that I should end my relationship, yet it has been suggested to me that this may not be the best choice of partner. My loyalty and compassion come into this scenario as real problems, since it's very hard for me to leave a wounded buddy to bleed to death... you know what I mean, though the image is a strong one. I want to be there for anyone who may need me. And so I stand in front of a difficult choice that is draining me and making me feel quite sad about the way of life. Everyone deserves a good relationship and not least my good friend! Yet, we have to take responsibility of our own lives and also make sure that our own needs are being met. Once we know that the needs we have are clear of the pursuits of the ego, there is no need to deny them and try and rationalize the situation.
It has been said that I am not originally from this world. I am only a visitor and a collector of valuable experiences about the human condition and the emotions that motivate the people of this planet. I believe this wholeheartedly, as I have felt tugging intuition for many years that there is something a little different about me and my purpose for being here. This may also explain why entering the human game and all the dramas surrounding infatuations and love seem very strange to me. I don't know what it would take for me to really fall in love! Is this a pathology or just a fact which I have no way of changing while I am in this present body? I think that however tired I am of being alone, I must do what is right for my soul and ask to meet someone who is truly understanding of my reasons for being here and who is not a stranger to the idea of ascension. Whether this be a twin flame or not doesn't strike me as being of any greater consequence. I don't like to romanticize that notion either! Anything less than a spiritually attuned partner seems to create overwhelming problems though, and what is now visible could be the top of an iceberg. I would appreciate points of view about this predicament! With love and blessings!
Artwork: "What Serves You No More", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008