Chaos and extreme Polarization Precede New Order and Harmony

I don't feel too bright at the moment but felt like getting a few things off my chest so to speak. Well, I am trying not to care too much about what others say about the energies at the moment, as it's really all just very confusing. What I do know is that I'm in some process of my own simply because I feel different from the way I've felt in the past. And really, that should be enough but our minds are always busy asking why, when and how. Of course, if the process was all happy and joyful it would be quite a different thing that would elicit a very different attitude from myself. But the tough parts... well, of course you can't help questioning the feeling of such extreme vulnerability. Yet surely increasing sensitivity is not always just a result of disruptive encounters and external energies that encrouch on one's physical and emotional well being? Surely increasing sensitivity makes many of those issues feel all the more unbearable, to the point where you think you are completely trashed on the inside. I have no clear answer but it seems to me that a bit of everything is true. You just cannot have new order unless you've been through chaos, and when chaos prevails on all the different levels of our being at different points in time... well there just may not be that many moments when you feel happy and complete. Yet I'm not saying there aren't some moments that allow you a peep into a more harmonious state of being... sometimes when I feel really hopeless a feeling of hope shoots up and helps me continue. And I didn't force it.

Some discussion on a forum whether Obama is an agent of the light or the dark elicited a response from me about what I perceive as the polarized nature of American mentality. The USA is a funny sort of place because of its contrasts. It's also a society that is very much at the forefront everywhere - for better and for worse. Sometimes we get so much of American culture and American issues we don't know what to do with ourselves! On the one hand Americans have so much personal freedom to be what you want to be and speak your mind, and that fosters a very lucrative market for self-help and positive thinking. On the other there's a lot of competition and many sensitive people are under a lot of pressure to keep up with the Jones's or to simply survive. Religion is also very strong and tends to colour people's perceptions to a very high degree. You often hear comments and arguments of a social nature that refer to religious sentiments. Of course, this makes for a great growing ground for any form of spiritual belief system. The influx of spiritual literature into Europe is immense. Well, in short I feel that these factors tend to create an abnormal sense of division in people's minds, and so polarities are highly accentuated. Positive versus negative, good versus bad, black versus white, light versus dark, beautiful versus ugly, and so forth. Money, success and good looks are being stressed to the extreme. Of course, this is my personal perception albeit shared with many others, but obviously anyone is free to disagree. But the point is... why do I care about the deeper workings of the American mind in the first place?

Well, on the one hand I feel very attracted to a society that encourages quite a lot of open dialogue in a language that I can understand. It may be hard to make friends but social interaction on a superficial level is certainly a lot easier over there and I find that a sort of bonus in every day life. On the other hand what I perceive as division puzzles and disturbs me. However, it's clear that it's something I need to come to terms with within myself. I need to find some sort of peace regarding the fact that reality here on Earth can be very extreme. The way things sometimes stretch very far on the polarity axis almost causes me to feel physical pain. Is it any wonder that I started my esoteric journey 15 years ago by investigating into dualism and the role of paradoxes as a way of uniting and transcending polarities? By attempting to see the reality and the truth of the two sides of a story as well as thinking in terms of "both-and" instead of "either-or" we can get quite far in changing the way we are conditioned to look at reality. I don't think it's possible to transcend polarities entirely but one can see them for what they are; two sides of one coin. Despite being somewhat skilled in this sort of thinking, I still find it hard to apply this to some of life's conditions on a practical level. Some things are just very hard and overwhelming to deal with when you're emotionally involved, and sometimes the process calls for quite a lot of patience. Anything that represents very strong positive and negative currents still stirs me...

Something quite funny happened the other day. I was in the big city when a lady called and so it was hard to hear what she was trying to say. She was disappointed that my exhibition in my home town was not on anymore and was wondering if she might see my artwork elsewhere. She said she was with a "mystic group" who were doing an excursion to my town, but she was worried about finding things to do there (no wonder!). I spontaneously invited them to my house. She was thrilled. I said, well as an artist I'm only very happy that people want to come to see my art, so really the pleasure was on my side! I couldn't quite make out what she was saying about food so I offered to serve them some coffee and tea. She was even more thrilled. She didn't think something like this might be possible. I was very happy to be the agent of such a positive occurrence in these people's lives!

Well, I cleaned my house and rearranged bits and pieces that I had meant to deal with for a long time. I made an apple pie and small sandwhiches, realizing I missed having a tea party but also feeling terribly out of practice. Everything went fine and took exactly two hours as I had anticipated. Still I talked a lot about my art but not nearly as much as I could have... I understand that people have a very limited ability to digest new information and it didn't seem to me as these people were quite as much into esoteric thinking as I had initially thought. The leader of the group was a real darling and very perceptive about my artwork, so I got a lot from hearing her comments. Contrary to people's beliefs, I don't mind hearing alternative interpretations of my artwork. The point is not to get across a specific idea, but to awaken a response in the other person. This is how life works; we can never communicate an exact thought or feeling but only hint at them and hope that another person responds to our signals in some way or another. Their experience is just as valid as mine, regardless of the source. This lady said she felt comfortable expressing her views because of the allowing atmosphere, and I was more than happy about that.

However, I could easily have found myself in a very vulnerable position. If no one had shown genuine interest I would have felt devastated. So my desire to have some kind of in-home gallery in the future might have to be revised. Of course, I don't know about the future but at the moment all the inner processes and emotional havoc in regards to online dating has left me even more sensitive than before. There are moments when I feel completely trashed on the inside and don't have a very strong feeling of self-esteem.

I was thinking the other day, that I sometimes feel a bit inferior because I'm not a healer like so many other spiritual people. But the truth is, you don't have to be a healer just because you trod a spiritual path that means the world to you. There are other things you can do that stimulate change (and maybe even forms of healing) in yourself and your environment. Also - some things you learn about in this life may be used in the next. You just don't always know where your life is heading, all you can do is try and stay in touch with your sense of purpose and do whatever feels meaningful even if it presents you with a lot of challenges. Not everything is always easy. Some things that used to be easy can become very arduous because the level of your learning is much higher. Do not despair if you're not quite like anyone else.

Artwork: "Emotions 2/6", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2003

Dating on the Internet - For Better and for Worse

Ok... so even when people have obviously lost it, I secretely consider their thoughts and so-called "good advice"... In this case I figured I should give the dating sites another chance, after all I don't want to end up an opiniated and angry spinster who has no concern for anyone else! However, it had to be for free. Not a local one, because I cannot deal with people from my own country. I also cannot deal with people calling me on the phone and coming too close too soon. Ultimately, I want out of my country because I'm choking on Finnishness. Explaining why would require another post, I feel.

First, I tried Sweden. I'm Finnish-Swedish, for the simple reason that Finland was a part of Sweden for a long time and the coastal areas close to the motherland tend to have a lot of Swedish-speaking population. This is a reason I don't feel very comfortable with the Finnish culture and its language, which requires the activation of a whole different area of the brain. It's arduous, in other words.

Every site is different and not so obviuos to figure out. In this case it seemed that I had a free account for three days. Ok. After two days I had 500 views and a few letters. One guy seemed (judging by his profile) like the walking image of myself - wow, a spiritual guy with an interest in cats and all things beautiful! Nonetheless, he showed no true interest in me and was exceptionally aloof. Well, truth to say I'd call his approach quite assertive, even. "Are you going to be the way you think you are or how I find you? I would like to hear your non-mainstream ideas on spirituality". That was all, for starters. No kind or encouraging words. No looking at my artwork. After a couple of strange mail exchanges where I felt like talking to a wall I asked if he really wants to know me. No, in fact he didn't think we would be a match, our pace was obviously different. No courteous goodbyes or anything. Keep it simple, I suppose. Another guy wrote only a line or two and stretched his wooooords. In a second mail he did that and then told himself, oh, stop being siiiilllllyyyyy. He explained: you sooo remind me of Mark L, it's so cuuuute. Mark L is a Finnish-Swedish, somewhat annoying gay TV reporter who made it in Sweden while keeping his typical Finnish-Swedish accent. Great. I feel so uplifted! Then we had the desperate guy, the one who wanted to give me eeeeeverything. Love, love and more love. He was 68. That's, what? 26 years my senior. There was also the cultural guy, the one who had been in Finland and knew about life over here. He said that some foreigner had written an article called "Dreaming in Finland". Very poignantly he pointed out, that in Finland, you do indeed get to do a lot of dreaming... He had gone blind but who cares? I looked his profile up and found that he was... 68. Breathe deeply... Then of course I shouldn't leave out the one who noticed he didn't fit my age requirement since he was 59 but proclaimed; "Here in the mediterranean area where I stay a lot age really is of no consequence at all". That was naturally just a selection. There were some normal letters as well but among other things I have no intention of learning folkdance. My conclusion: A few Swedish men may have some trouble knowing how to approach a woman in a way that is not A MAJOR TURN OFF! Maybe that's the cost of equality. I also get the feeling I've had before: most of them think I'm way too far away. Funny, huh? Now American optimism seems rather alluring again.

I also found some rather dead-looking site that I joined for free, and late in the evening still tried a third one that someone suggested. This one seemed hip and succesful. 100 % free. Alright! Men from all over the world! Woohoo! Heart sinking when I realize that they absolutely have to see me run off with someone in my OWN AREA. And when that doesn't work, my OWN COUNTRY. Turns out that looking for anyone anywhere else is as arduous as finding likeminded people on Twitter. What's up with this? Well, I did get a nice and perfectly civilized letter from a someone in a country I also consider moving to, so it didn't start that bad. It probably started off with more flare than it continued, but at least someone showed interest... My heart sinking again, though, as I find that my art is not making much of an impression. Well, that's one of my checking points anyway.

The following day when I'd gotten up, my laptop was beeping, and turned out someone was IM'ing me. Oh, alright, an American in our capital city. Have to say, I got caught unawares and could only think of the next thing to write. So there I was, writing away an hour of my life. Only to suddenly hit the inevitable question; do I have erotic fantasies and how do I pursue them. My answer is that I demand to know what his intentions are; be honest! Of course I already knew. He says: "phone, be right back". Yeah right... after a while IM was off. Classical, just as I've heard it being told. I'm trying not to be upset but I realize that I truly resent someone trying to push me when I have explicitly asked for dates and not any funny business. I am also upset that I wasted an hour of my life on this creep! Later I did find a way of blocking such requests and for that I am grateful.

How funny that I get to see other people trying to manipulate and confuse me in order to get something they want from me while all this is going on. I must have done some horrible things karma wise to be obliged to witness people's odder aspects to this extent. I try and maintain my cool and not give in. I also witness an orthopedist preventing a crazy Egyptian doctor from chopping off a piece of my foot that should under no circumstances be damaged because there is nothing to work with after a previous surgery. I sweat, cry and wonder what on earth is going on? Am I being saved here even though it was done in the usual rather patronizing manner, "from above". So many are attempting to appear all-knowing and me - a sad case of un-knowing, if one were to read the script.

By this time I'm a little upset and aware that once again, the dating business is stressing me, it's no joke, and I could do without that kind of stress. I know I don't fit the dream image of most guys out there. So what do I do? Sit back and wait for the Universe to take care of it all, or try and forge my own destiny? In the first case, it's obvious that the Universe will have trouble guiding anyone to little Finland to look for me. In the second case, it's obvious that I will be wasting my time and spending hours of frustration and disappointment to no avail.

When in doubt, leave out? No, when in doubt, go for the middle path. That's what I always say, and strangely, it still stands. It's about the only spiritual thesis that still does. I'll continue to leave my little ginger bread crumbs in the forest and see if Hansel will find me. If he doesn't, then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Artwork: "Loose Promises", handmade collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2008