Deceit

I am someone who believes in the intrinsic beauty and goodness of humankind. The rest is just the outcome of ignorance. Sure there are evil spirits and all that - dualism is a fact. I don't concern myself too much with such things. I look at people and all in all my heart goes out to them. Yet in my daily life I also get to see so much vile and selfish behaviour. If I didn't believe that things are shifting towards more awareness and that a lot of the crap that's now visible is out for reasons of purification, I don't know how I would have the strength to go on. I don't know why I am supposed to see all this. Perhaps it's part of the challenge of holding onto spiritual strength when everything around you crumbles to dust.

We all know that young people change a lot and even after 20 some adjustments happen to make the person into who they are supposed to be. It's all very well when you can see that good morals that have been installed earlier are still there somewhere beneath the seemingly chaotic changes and you know that things will be alright in the end. But when you witness someone who seemed like such a kind, talented and deeply reflecting person become superficial, self-obsessed and self-indulgent, it can really make your stomach turn. Even more so if this was someone you thought of as a friend and really felt that you connected with and respected despite the age difference. So what if they change - that's part of life and should be welcomed as an occurrence of some interest. Besides, anyone with a vivid inner life changes, even though at a slower rate as they grow older.

Ok, a few words first before I go on about observations I've been unfortunate enough to make throughout my life: Most men that I have encountered love to keep you waiting. Is it a matter of a power-game? Secondly, they make promises they don't keep. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed this, since there's plenty of womens' words of wisdom around that indicates that this is the case. Thirdly, men have trouble committing to anything unless it satisfies their egos. I know, it sounds absolutely awful to say all this. Isn't there anything positive? Right now I don't know. I know that I like men and am curious about them, but I don't know why.

Will I ever encounter even one man who is willing to committ to friendship or more with me? This I doubt today when my friendship with a young man has been cast aside out of convenience's sake. What infinite sadness to be discarded as a mere drop in their sea of exciting and self-satisfactory sea of indulgences. To find out that one's care and support (including a stern belief in them) was of no value whatsoever and that the only reason for the relationship was that one was willing to act as a trashbin. To be told off with words indicating that "it has nothing to do with you" (how often have we not heard that!) and that they need to be alone, yet still hear about all the interesting friends they are making meanwhile. Ok, I admit it could be worse. I could have actually done something wrong. But in a way it's almost as bad to find out that who you are mattered not in the least. And yes, I was indeed attracted to this person's intellect and now the excuses all sound so very self-aware and rationally justified. But the warmth and maturity that I percieved earlier seems gone out of the window and all that I see staring inbetween the fancy lines is self-righteousness and egotripping. A man's fear of committment seems to dominate any concerns about the depth of sincere friendship. Unfortunately this is not the first time I'm witnessing the change from a charming and interesting young man into a selfish bastard. What can I say to make it alright? Good riddance, I guess.

Artwork: "The Rise and Fall of Human Vanity", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Beware Of Online Tests!!!

This blog relates to what I was saying about depression in my last one, but also some critique I had of tests that pretend to be spiritual in nature. Well, yesterday I was trying to look up a medicine on the internet and came across a site that was called "Pshych..." something. Well, there were three tests there. I took the one that was supposed to determine whether you're depressed (so the name suggested).



I've taken those tests that pshychologists offer to determine if a person is depressed or not, and I liked them as little as I like any tests, as the questions tend to be suggestive and stereotypical. They always compare your present moment with your past, something which in my case seems totally absurd. Life is not necessarily like that, white one day and black the next! Some people suffer from dysthymia (mild chronic depression) or other forms of depression for all their lives, yet they get by. To them, a certain way of being may seem normal and it would definitely be hard to compare the past with the present unless there was a significant increase in dark thoughts and feelings. Some also suffer from SAD, seasonal affective disorder which is related to the lack of light in the winter. These tests really leave you no leeway. And this one was the same, but possibly less formal and definitely full of inexcusable spelling mistakes! Come on now, make an effort for goodness sakes!



So I filled out the points and got my results. Now I want to say that the results were somewhat hard to dechiffer, and might suggest that you need help to understand it. Indeed, there was an offer to recieve help from a "professional psychiatrist". I see. Well, it seemed that I suffer from some absolutely hair rising predicaments that would pretty much grant me a place at the funny house without many more questions asked. I also did a personality test and I believe that was the one that gave me a - hear now! - the diagnosis of what mental illness I suffer from! The thing that they claimed I "must" suffer from was... schizophrenia! I mean, when this dawned on me I was stunned. I am not kidding: this is as far from my issues that anything could possibly be. I could admit to some depression as life has been pretty tough for a long time and I have lost a lot of stamina from struggling hard to make it through so much adversity. Sadly, depression can certainly keep you in a state of negativity that prevents you from opening up to life, or life from opening up to you (depending on what your belief system is, I guess). On the other hand, good things happen to depressed people as well. To always go around with the torch of the law of attraction is an abomination.


So my most severe verdict was, schizophrenia. Maybe they wanted to get back to me (though I was apparently not paranoid, according to their criteria!!) because the first question was: "Do you like doing tests", and I said "no!".

There was something else too that I have no idea what it's supposed to represent, except that I am obviously a total social misfit and not really good for anything in this life. I suppose that this came up because I'm in a less sociable mode at the moment and not feeling terribly confident all the time about the future of my book. But come on!!! This is not a constant, so again it is hard to fill in a test that seems to expect you to stay in the same state of mind for long periods of time. Perhaps this is why I have "put ants in the heads" (as we say) of all the shrinks I've met. Only saying, that not all people are so easily categorized and that it's obvious that psychology is struggling to justify itself. But being given such terrible verdicts on such loose grounds is in my opinion an inexcusable and horrifying deed that should be punished by law. The interpretations offered were indeed scary! I got the feeling that nowadays, it's a given that a person suffers from at least ONE serious mental issue (haven't you noticed how every second seems to be at least bipolar, have ADHD or be seriously depressed? What does that say about society, eh?) Some people are, after all, impressionable. They may not suffer from schizophrenia or any other of the strange diagnoses that were listed, but they may start to fear that they do. So please, please, do not believe in these things! They are stupid, stupid!!! Be very careful who you listen to you and get as many opinions as you can. After all, your depression may actually only be a case of thyroid malfunction or the natural result of some hard times. "May you live in intersting times", as the Chinese say.



Artwork: "The Melancholy of Ambivalence", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008