Spiritual Transition

I wish to say a few words about spiritual transition. My own experience is that a kind of dark night of the soul is inevitable before something can open up within (see a previous post). You may have worked with yourself for a long time but at some point you're starting to feel weary. Nothing inspires you anymore. It may provoke a severe feeling of anxiety. You will most likely start to feel even more separated from other people and this, depending on your basic constitution, will feel truly horrifying. When you look back you realize that all your attempts at connecting with others have been futile. Now, to make matters worse, people start to drop out of your life. Maybe they don't recognize who you are anymore and may start to shun you. If you feel that this may be the case, it's not a nice feeling and pretty taxing on your sense of self! Some people truly don't fit into the new you that is in transition, as you don't inhabit the same energetic space as them anymore. Some may deep down feel envious of changes in you that they perceive ever so slightly. If you radiate more light then that could disturb other people who might feel inferior in some ways. However, speculating about this may lead you nowhere. Whatever the facts surrounding the loss of people and opportunities, what is certainly true is that a lot of weird stuff keep popping out of the depths of your being and you hardly even recognize yourself anymore! Chances are that you are a kind person, maybe cheerful even, but that doesn't seem to stand through anymore - you question your own self. This is not a bad thing, though, because you need to be open to a new version of you. You may not be going crazy. When you start to feel the true symptom of the dark night of the soul you will not only feel separated from the higher truth ("God" if you will), you will also feel separated from other people. In addition, you will attract odd characters who mirror the issues you still have, and so rather than feel bitter it's more constructive to see them as catalysts or teachers. Remember that they are attracted to you too, for whatever reason. I wouldn't recommend worrying too much about this, instead try and find ways of dealing with it that help to empower you in a good way - any way that helps you become more self-reliant is good because it brings you closer to the real you. Learning to say NO to people and things is a vital part of this process, as it's connected to the idea of resisting temptations along the same lines as the trials that Jesus and Buddha went through!

The horror that you may be experiencing is an existential angst that settles in your body in the form of a taught sensation as well as unpleasant phases of rather extreme anxiety. Because of going through deep inner change, you will also feel very vulnerable and open and other people will either misunderstand you, take advantage of your openness so as to feel superior themselves, or simply cause you to hurt because there is something in the connection that you are supposed to learn from. To bash oneself because one is attracting negative things is not useful in my opinion. This phase may last for a long time. It all depends how much change you can handle. Sometimes a sensitive person like myself also has to deal with physical issues such as fibromyalgia and the like, and this may slow down the process. It's best to try and honor this, relax and rest as much as possible. You just might be going through a major spiritual transition... it will be taxing on every level of your "old self" (physical, emotional, mental...). Don't worry; if all this is going on while you suspect it's a spiritual transition, it's certainly more real than talking yourself into it in some way. Fluttering around in a world of love and light may not get you this far. You may feel immersed in negativity but that's because you're releasing any that you still harbor in the depths of your subconscious mind. I'd recommend trying to accept it for what it is and focus on change for the better. It's in the nature of this predicament not change by force of will alone. However, the more you try to tune into the surrender to spirit, the better. It may seem like the last thing to do, and you won't do it because someone tells you to. You will because you've come to the conclusion that it's the only solution. But Rome wasn't built in a day... so hang in there and try to make the best of the situation.

I have good news, though. If this is indeed what you're going through and doctors are not able to find anything substantially wrong with you, then there will be a day when the Kundalini will wake up. It's a partially dormant energy of creation that starts at the very beginning of your spine (I suggest that people look it up if they are not familiar with this concept). You might be feeling something "going on" in your heart and your belly. Maybe you're thinking that the anxiety is giving way. You will have thoughts about the surrender of the ego to spirit. I can't tell you what exactly you will be thinking as it depends on who you are. You might have experienced some huge emotional break down including a lot of crying and very potent feelings of giving up on some pursuits that you have been very serious about. This is the key but not something you can conjure up yourself. It comes when you're ready. The whole point is that somehow, you've been able to get around the little self's desire to be in charge. It's solving a catch22, or maybe even a whole serious of them; attitudes, ideals and pursuits that you've been entangled in. That's when you will have an inner movement that will clear out a lot of the old psychopathological garbage that you no longer need (false attitudes, false pursuits, focusing on the wrong things in your life, and so on). It begins at the very end of your spine so that's how you know it's the Kundalini.

I would suggest, however, that you really set your priorities straight first. There are many distractions that will keep you in a state of struggle and suffering. In my experience you must choose to serve spirit and forget about any other pursuits such as finding the perfect partner or becoming rich. One Kundalini experience or ten may also not bring the ultimate clearance. Many people think they are enlightened because they got through one major obstacle in their life. What they don't realize is that it may not have been the only one and that one or more really serious ones may still lie ahead if they are willing to allow it. However this is all individual. There is no guidebook that one can follow. This post is only meant to help people be aware of what is possibly going on in their lives and to be open to all of it. Good luck!

Artwork: Digital Photograph by author, all rights reserved 2009

The Dark Night of the Soul In this Age of Transition

For those who have been following the esoteric teachings of today it may be clear that the planet is going through an ascension from a lower level of existance to a higher one. We are not alone; there is a multitude of beings from other dimensions and planets who are here in one form or another to assist in this radical process. Because all this affects the collective mind, some of the manifestions of great change can be quite radical and baffling indeed. For many, it entails a clearance of any old issues that hold them tied to the past. A wealth of emotional issues will surge to the surface. Not to mention all the confusion and stress that sensitive people pick up from those around them and from the air, so to speak.

There are plenty of people who focus on the happier side of all this and are able to convey encouragment in words of love and unity. I, however, seem to be here in order to help others unveil the more painful side of life (see my blog on the Shadow). This includes past conditioning that keeps us trapped in destructive patterns, traumatic experiences, as well as resistance to change. The more we know about all aspects of the psyche, the better we can become at mastering the seemingly erratic fluctuaitons of the pshyche. It is my belief that there should be no more secrets or competitiveness between people (how else can we experience true unity on the practical level?). I do see that even within spiritual groups, there are popularity contests and hubris (people desiring to show off their level of spirituality). I hope this will pass soon though, since all this is part of the ego issues that need to be acknowledged and cleared out.

I myself have followed the "news" regarding the various phases of energetic infiltration since Easter, when the changes really became obvious. I could see that many of my reactions seemed to mirror the cosmic fluctuations. It sometimes seems very hard to tell what is personal clearance and what belongs to the collective consciousness or other people's issues. We truly are all interconnected! Some like to take measures and shield themselves of the external influences through methods such as grounding or creating an experiential octagon around themselves. For various reasons I find it hard to focus on such things but I do try and ask for help from the spirit guides or entities that are around to assist. My own life has been rather complicated so there is plenty to clear. I wish I didn't still have so much to deal with, but alas...

The feelings of anxiety and loneliness that I wrote about in my previous blog are very common symptoms right now. If this is the case with you, I can only suggest that you accept it for what it is and ride it out with the confidence that this is necessary and perfectly normal. Don't let other people's superiority bog you down. You may have very strong feelings of darkness and hopelessness, but this too is in the order of things. I will include an old blog I wrote on the Dark Night Of The Soul for those who want to contemplate this possibility. I myself have had a lot of emotions to deal with for several years since I started to unravel that which had earlier been denied and tucked away into the far corners of the mind. I have come to understand how hard it is to master them. On the one hand they give us information about our external and internal reality, but on the other hand we also need to let go of them in an appropriate way and not cling to them in an excessive manner.

This summer I have found myself very lonely indeed - the only close person in real life is my mother. I have also kept up the contact with a man on another continent with whom I tried to form a relationship last winter. As he started a new job, our contact is diminishing to just a very short time in the afternoon. Since it's summer and I try not to isolate myself inside the house all the time, it's not always possible for me to be at home when he is able to talk to me. And so what I see is a relationship that is slowly fading away like coloured paper in the sun. The paper - or friendship - will no doubt persist, but the colours - the emotions - are disappearing. This is the case with me, as far as I know, not with him. Thus the process of detachment has been excruciatingly painful - for reasons of personal disappointment as well as compassion. I think it's quite obvious that right now, I am not apt to exuberance. One more dream has dissipated with an aftertaste of disappointment and sadness, but hopefully it will give room for something new.

The sensation of floating in mid-air with nothing to hold onto has been mentioned as one of the symptoms of this global transition, and so I can only assume that forces are at work in my own life as well and that new order will ensue out of this state of physical chaos and emotional turmoil. One needs to let go of all thoughts and expectations that reflect the old 3D reality, though not of faith, of course. Holding onto hope is not an easy thing to do, however necessary. It is more than plausible that those who are dedicated to their spiritual path for the good of all and are righeous at heart, will experience a glorious future. If I can do nothing else, at least I can try and invoke help. Do not be too hard on yourselves. These are not easy times and there is no need to pretend otherwise. All this will eventually pass.

The following excerpt was written a couple of years ago while I was still feeling that this is my last life on this planet, yet I was unable to understand how I would be granted an exit unless I became enlightened. I now have reason to believe that there are other ways if your purpose for coming here has mainly been that of showing and spreading unconditional love and compassion, and a desire to assist humanity as part of the One.


THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

This expression was developed by St John of the Cross, who suffered intense feelings of loneliness and desolation prior to his enlightment. To me, enlightenment is not a simple thing. As usual, I have given it too much thought - presumably too much since it has caused me to feel distressed.

Hasn't anybody else had any anxiety connected to the presumed fact that we are just coming and going like the breath of the wind, creating movements in space and thus an illusion of time, that what we experience is real but in a deeper sense it's not…? Everybody seems so eager to go towards the state of oneness! But it means that your individuality disappears. Classical mysticism has it that we live a certain amount of lives and then we go back to where we came from - oneness. We dissolve.

I found when I started to think about this a lot it really made me anxious. Yes I know, it's just the ego that's struggling to stay alive. But jees. I didn't ever imagine it would struggle THAT much. I'm not sure I should label what I have been going through, but to me the past ten years have been like dying. The medieval mystic John of the Cross said that this is “the dark night of the soul”. I felt somewhat comforted to hear this from a friend of mine who was studying this phenomenon. It made sense to me. I don't know if that's what I was going through, but it sure sounded like it. It's a time when suddenly everything becomes really meaningless. What's the point in living if you are going to dissolve soon anyway? Yeah, it's going to be a relief because this life sure wasn't all so great, so why can't it happen quickly? But the ego speaks up and says, hey, what about me? Don't I mean ANYTHING? Was I just a joke? A pasttime? Or even worse… nothing really worth mentioning at all. Just some dream in an all-encompassing Creator's mind… A fleeting moment of pleasure and pain. You find no real comfort anywhere, because you're staring into empty space… and you're alone. And as John says, even God is no longer there to comfort your tortured soul.

This thing I had got a bit better when I was thinking that maybe I can choose to go onto some other level instead. I don't know, reside on some other planet in another galaxy or in another dimension or something. I was struggling with my will to live. I knew that I can create my own destiny in some sort of way. Suddenly the ego, that had seemed only like nuisance before, became important. The ego seemed in fact to be just a facet of my soul, of the identity that I have created over the centuries. Does it really have to dissolve into nothingness? Maybe not. Who really knows? So this thing got better. I felt more willing to see this life through, to take care of my karma and see to it that when I leave, it's going to be with the feeling that my real potential can finally come into being. Sadly, I don't think it's going to happen here on Earth. There are boundaries on Earth. And although conducive to creative thinking, it can probably be found on a bigger scale somewhere else…
I was worried, though, that I might fall out of a state of grace and land back on Earth after a while. This is what the Buddhists warn you about. They say, you can reach the realm of the Gods, but it's still the same old wheel of life, Samsara. Sooner or later you'll start collecting karma again. And there we go. No escape. Back to Earth to pay back your debts!

Isn't anybody worried about all this? Doesn't it all strike you as a battle that's lost already when it began? But I know, we should think of planet Earth and the state it's in, and what we can do to raise the level of consciousness of humanity. Yes, that's no doubt what we have to concentrate on. The rest will just come naturally, won't it. After all, we are 100% natural beings.

Later addition:
I have thought the pursuit of enlightenment a wee bit spooky. Of course, if you look at zen buddhism then you'll see that they don't necessarily envisage an idea about dissolving into a state of bliss. When asked about enligtenment, they come up with some funny koan that you can't understand with your mind (the most famous one I believe being what does it sound like when one hand is clapping). To them it's about a surrender of the mind to the impossibility of ever being able to make any sense out of life.

But although I've heard of various versions of what it might be, I am not an expert on the issue since I haven't experienced it in this life time, so I just wanted to bring out some of my own contemplations and see what others feel. I know we should stay focused on the present, but I can't help wanting to “get somewhere”. Since we are submitted to an evolution within the timeframe, I think we do get somewhere eventually. But whether it's a final stop or what, that is not something I can say much about. The reason I'm eager to get somewhere is because I am in a process that is very heavy and tedious. I think it's normal to get fed up with something that doesn't seem to change. Imagine that you're a cleaning lady but you hate being one, and you are always waiting for the day to be over, but then the next day you are still cleaning and cleaning. On the other hand, if you're on the road going someplace then you don't necessarily always think only about the goal, if there are fun stops on the way. I guess I am thinking that some of us have cleaning to do and others are in it for the joyride.

That said, it doesn't necessarily exclude the idea that the tedious and drab existence can change into something more pleasurable, within that particular lifetime. I know that one is supposed to grow awareness and all that - it's maybe a kind of meditative state of enlightenment when you are very aware and mindful all of the time, and then it's not supposed to matter what it is you're doing. If you are cleaning the house or benjijumping. I think it's something I try to keep in mind but there are times when it's just not possible to pursue a certain way of being. Worries, difficult emotions, hardships, illness - all this stress can be very overwhelming. Sometimes all we can do is just try to hang in there.

Artwork: "The Alchemy of Change", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008