DO YOU HAVE TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART?

Creativity and the Shadow in a Dualist World

An Article

Most people who ponder the meaning of artistic creativity ask themselves whether hardships and suffering are conducive to good art. It is still very much an open question and therefore worthy of more contemplation. In the following, I will talk about the nature of creativity in general as well as attempt to address this controversial topic from my personal point of view. One of my guiding themes is the dualist nature of reality which echoes the way we orientate ourselves (up/down, light/dark, good/evil, positive/negative, etc.), but is also responsible for the fact that our minds are incessantly taking sides (if one thing is perceived as positive, its opposite will undeniably be negative). Another theory that governs my thinking is the Jungian concept of the Shadow. It is the part of our psychological reality that is not readily accessed by every day consciousness, yet another truly significant consequence of the dualism I've been talking about. Not only does it play an important role in the artistic process as subconscious material tends to surface when you express yourself, but I will also argue that it plays an important role in truly meaningful art as it mirrors the collective shadows that make this reality into such an intriguing place to be.

I did not have a happy childhood, but my parents were professional photographers and so I got used to hearing arguments about imagery, and looking through photomagazines became a favourite past time of mine. My mother tried to encourage me to be creative, but all that I remember of that is that she wanted to prevent me from using any premade drawing patterns and insisted that I exercise the faculty of observation instead. I was emotionally blocked and probably not particularly creative, although I obviously had a talent for artistic expression that was encouraged at school. When I think back I find it rather curious that I was the only one at school who was any good at drawing. Because I had no challenging competition, my abilities in this area were never questioned. I have no doubt this gave me the confidence to enter the the world of art later on in life.

To begin with, I didn't have the confidence to make fine art. I was admitted to Helsinki University in my native country where I studied philosophy and the history of art for a few years. I was rather good at analyzing other people's work, but at some point I had to ask myself whether my approach was in fact purely intellectual and not emotionally attuned. I also wondered whether there was a well of creativity somewhere deep within myself that I had yet to discover.

I thus set out to uncover my stealthed emotions and find out about any potential creativity that might be lurking in the subconsciuos mind. I made it through the entrance exams in an arts college in the South of France where I did a year of general arts. After this, I was accepted to a college in Normandy where I did graphic design for a year and illustration for two years. Looking back, I think it would have been rather nice to have gotten a proper fine arts education, but if I am to be honest it was probably illustration that helped trigger a sudden ability to express myself artistically. While studying my dreams I was jolted into a spontaneous, rather illustrative, symbolic expression that has been mine ever since.

Curiously, creativity was not encouraged at L'Ecole des Beaux-Arts. I found that most teachers were geared into negativity and praise was rare. This made it very hard for me to find any joy in what I was doing, and completing the assignments was incredibly laborious. I was young and stubborn, yet I only persevered for four years until returning to Helsinki University. This time I took up comparative religion and wrote my MA thesis in 1999 about the ontological status of creativity within the New Age movement. I wanted to know all that there was to know about creativity, but this time I took the intellectual approach and only used this particular form of spirituality as a pretext for my research.

I had noticed, that creativity was an often talked about phenomenon in New Age circles, and that it seemed to own a rather peculiar status. This status was ontological, which means that there is an assumed equation mark between creativity and the basic nature of reality. In other words, in this view creativity is a fundamental to life. I found that the arguments went back to Quantum Physics and the idea that on a sub atomic level there is a boundless sea of creative potentiality waiting to come into existance. Especially the quantum physics David Bohm and Danah Zohar did a good job in demonstrating this viewpoint. From an esoteric point of view, it is the mysterious spiritual force called Kundalini that owns the same ontological status within every human being. This is an ancient sanskrit term adopted by the East looking modern spiritual adepts, and it is commonly thought that “rising the Kundalini”, in other words awakening a dormant subconscious energy, enhances creativity and over all well being, as well as helps connect with higher levels of consciousness. In fact, this force is interlinked with evolution itself (and by this I specifically mean the evolving mind or consciousness although in a general sense it covers all of life). It appears that this force is always active to some extent, which accounts for a general ability to be creative. Various blocks within the human energy field prevents this force from functioning in a harmonious way. Over stimulation of the Kundalini force can, on the other hand, have disastrous results. The unprepared psyche could go into psychosis, nor would the body be able to handle such a powerful energy. Personally, I find this a totally fascinating and very rewarding theory about the nature of the psyche.

Over the centuries, various esoteric cosmologies have pointed to the idea that reality sprouts from one source, a divine “all that is”, the very matrix of reality, and that in fact, the created and the creator are one and the same. The artist, who is the obvious exemplary of creativity, would be the conduit of reality's basic tendency to manifest creativity out of pure potentiality which in a paradoxical sort of way is underlying reality but of it at the same time. The rise of individualism instigated philosophy that pondered the real nature of the subject and the object, and how this dualism was part and parcel of evolutionary progress as, in Hegel's terms, thesis and antithesis gave rise to synthesis.

Modern spiritual views have found a scientific argument in the research done by the quantum physics, especially the theory that the observer of a phenomenon will affect the nature of the observed object. Without going into all the complicated details and consequences of this way of thinking, I wish to bring out the rather exciting thought that the creative person is intrinsically connected to the creative product. In a sense we cannot avoid expressing ourselves precisely the way we truly are unless we manipulate our products in order to ingratiate ourselves with someone else. By expressing yourself authentically, be it through suffering or joy, you are expressing what really is in a deeper existential way. The division between subject and object may thus be an illusion, if we are to believe the idea that dualism is just one of the mind's way of making sense of reality. One might even go as far as suggesting along with many esoteric thinkers that we create our own reality, yet this time I will have to leave this open to interpretation. Nonetheless I urge anyone who is seriously interested in the subject to allow themselves this thought experiment. Personally, I have found dualism to be the very fabric of the messages I wish to bring forth in my art and writing.

Esoterics aside, I think that as soon as you look at creativity as an inherent part of being human, it changes your perpective altogether. To me it is very much a force that can never be completely eliminated, and it will always look for an outlet in one way or another. When you think about it, creativity really does sprout in the most dire of circumstances. It is literally all around us. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, especially known for his theory on the flow creative moments, has remarked that the less options people are faced with, the more likely they are to be creative. This suggests that restrictions can be beneficial to creativity. On the other hand, if the mind is very shattered and unable to focus, you are not very likely to enter the flow characterized by great creative inspiration.

Although we are naturally creative and have a complex civilization to show for, it is also quite clear when we look around us that some people are incredibly creative and some are much less so. My impression is that people do need a driving force, a real fiery passion, in order to be truly creative. I don't really think it matters what this driving force is. It could be a general desire be expressive of the self and to communicate this with others, or it could be the sense of “mission” so that a certain topic becomes the goal of creative acts. Emotional dysfunction can be a hindrance, but it seems that it isn't necessarily responsible for creative draught. I was in my teens when I started to have a very pressing need to write about my own lack of emotional connection. In actual fact, a lot of what I wrote was insightful and creative, and when I didn't write I felt disconnected from a mysterious and indefinable inner source. Later on, I equated creativity with being able to create images, but I can now see that the reason I felt this way was that I had more trouble finding my personal visual expression. Once I found it, I was able to churn out a great deal of artwork about my emotional process, and this was a goal in itself. When I had reached a point in life where I was emotionally open, I also felt that I had said all there was to say about the really important things in life. Part of it was being less emotionally tormented, and part of it was a feeling that spiritually, I knew where I stood and had no pressing desire to explore it further through my art. On top of this, I also felt exhausted from years of hard work in putting up exhibitions. Since my health has always been frail, in fact there was much suffering involved in getting the art to the public.

There is a kind of luminous state of mind, a state of something that could be divine inspiration. I have felt it sometimes, either writing or coming up with imagery. I dug up so much emotional material after years of working with myself that I got rather swamped in it all and I do feel that in a sense all this obscured some of the luminosity. We can only be what we are at any given moment, and in the end it is all part and parcel of the human condition and life in the widest sense of the word. I believe that one can get very self-absorbed and sollipsistic about certain shadows, and lose sight of what is truly important. It's easy to think one has a mission of sorts when it's really only serving an egotistic purpose. Yet sometimes I feel a need to express a problem of the collective shadow as if this issue has relevance in a greater sense and has an illuminated quality about it.

There was indeed a turning point about ten years ago. I had been very driven to create images that expressed the conflict I experienced from living in a dualist reality. However, rather than being torn by this conflict, I sought reconciliation and acceptance. My pieces expressed a tension between a belief in a higher form of reality and the real life struggles to survive physically and emotionally. The paradox that came out of this tension is what I believe makes my pieces unique. Apart from attempting to uncover my own “Shadows” in the Jungian sense, a medical condition I deal with since childhood was the reason for many of the negative feelings I was experiencing. Nonetheless, I felt I was making pictures in which other people could mirror themselves, and people did indeed buy my all of my art. I trusted that even if they didn't know why a piece attracted them, they could sense my intentions subconsciously, but also make up their own story whenever necessary. It was all about sharing with the aim of helping others to understand their own difficulties. And hardships do help me understand more about life and the human condition. Yet it also goes without saying that some circumstances are overwhelming and stifling, and for instance financial difficulties often stop artists in their tracks.

My medical condition was, however, also responsible for the fact that I had to change from drawing and painting to collaging. My view of reality was at this point becoming more complex, and it seems to me that this was also reflected in my art. Did I still have anything valuable to say? I keep on going, realizing that my life's work was always going to be more about understanding the shadow side of life rather than pointing to the sunshine, and I accept this as a fact about my life's purpose. Although in reality I embrace both sides of life, I feel an urgency in helping to clarify the issues about the human psyche that make things go wrong. In fact, even creation itself can entail a bit of suffering as I struggle to focus and get it right. In my case, I believe suffering has been a prerequisite to the creation of my art – it is art with a message about the human condition and ways to improve it. I think it is perfectly possible to create art which is not based in suffering and only in passion, but I would question its deeper significance in this time and age. However, I believe there is nothing wrong with a piece of happiness on your wall or in your space if that's what makes you feel better about life. In the end, all things are relative in a dualistic world.

© Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2011. Any anauthorised use of this article is strictly prohibited.

The factual references in this article were taken from my MA thesis:

Carpelan, Vivi-Mari 1999

Vid kreativitetens källa. Kreativitetens ontologiska status inom den nyandliga världsbilden

Avhandling Pro Gradu, Religionsvetenskapliga institutionen, Helsingfors Universitet

Relevant Literature:

Bohm, David 1998

On Creativity. Edited by Lee Nichol. London & New York: Routledge.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly 1996

Creativity. Flow and Psychology of Discovery and Invention. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.

Hanegraff, J. Wouter 1996

New Age Religion and Western Culture. Esotericism in the Mirror of Secular Thought. (Studies in the History of Religions, vol LXXII). Leiden, New York, Koln: E.J. Brill.

Mokerjee, Ajit 1983

Kundalini. The Arousal of the Inner Energy. London: Thames & Hudson.

Sannella, Lee (M.D) 1987

The Kundalini Experience. Psychosis or Transcendence? California: Integral Publishing

Zohar, Danah 1990

The Quantum Self. Human Nature and Consciousness Defined by the New Physics. New York: Quill.

Zweig, Connie & Abrams, Jeremiah (ed.) 1991

Meeting the Shadow. The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature. New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons.

Artwork: "Beckoning Shadows II", abstract photograph, all rights reserved 2011

Ditch the Inspirational Quotes and Subliminal Messages!

"Something's wrong with the world"
"You don't say!"

I'm going to play the grumpy old woman or the devil's advocate, choose which ever resonates with your belief system.

Ok... (taking a deep breath): I am fed up. Ok, ok, I know I probably won't ascend to the higher dimensions because I'm angry and frustrated. Only love can take you there. Oh well, I guess that's just too bad. I suppose my choice is not to feel guilty and have my sense of irony intact rather than go up the elevator. At least not today...

You know when I was little there was an inspirational quote in a magazine I was subscribing to. It said "Love is..." and then there would be some sweet gesture put in words along with the sleazy cartoon. It was cute when I was ten years old. It's not really cute anymore. Yet I keep receiving them. They take on various forms, of course. But as soon as I go online, somewhere, sometime, an inspirational quote will pop up. It's very often something somebody famous said once, usually of little relevance to my present state of mind. I actually hate them. I don't know why - maybe it's simply the fact that copying somebody else's thought is so bloody boring to me. The other version of these quotes is supposed to make you feel better, such as "remember that you are special" and "take a moment to say thanks to all the little miracles that align your path during the day". I saw rather fear mongering religious quotes in front of churches in the USA and thought they were incredibly exotic (as in strange) and quaint. I couldn't believe that people had the right to put them up just like advertising signs (which admittedly are pretty daft as well). I joined Twitter after my trip to this strange land and now I find my path literally littered with all these quotes. As far as I know there are no fundamental Christians among my followers so I take it that it's just a habit that all these adults have adopted. I used to think only the occasional fundamentalist New Ager or other spiritual or religious person would do it: a little from above of course, that's more effective, and stating the obvious so as to give you a reason to doubt your own common sense as well as IQ, EQ and SQ. But I guess not... As far as I know it's mainly an American thing but as with so many other phenomena they often spread. I do wonder though whether Europeans really agree to have all this wisdom shoved down their throat every where they go... I don't know because there are so few of them online that I could ask. But an even greater question is: why is all this disguised "parental" guidance necessary?? I mean, what kind of dummy goes around feeling hateful all day and then goes online to chat with spiritually minded people? Surely everyone is grateful for something, every day? Aren't they...?

The other day someone wrote to me with the flattering request of either becoming my friend or possibly dating me. First I thought the profile was rather witty and deep, albeit self-assertive. It wasn't quite in tune with the letter and so I asked about it... turned out the text was copied from a description of this guys's astrological sign. Oh, I am sure it was meant as a joke but when you get old like me you don't want to fool around and second-guess about a possible date. I suppose he didn't know or consider that it's courteous towards the writer as well as the reader to label such copies with the original source. I felt betrayed since... well, I was a bit betrayed, wasn't I? I also thought it quite sad if this guy actually believed himself to be all those things listed and felt the need to bring them out... (needless to say, they were only superlatives). I'm Finnish, so I don't really like bragging. I also thought it sad that yet again, someone didn't trust their own creative juices to flow when needed. I feel a bit guilty to use this example and pinpoint an innocent victim but what is life without examples?

I learned at an early age to simply throw myself into the creative process of writing whenever there was a need to. Regardless whether the outcome was good or bad, it was without a shadow of a doubt better and more original than it would have been had I sat there and constructed it for hours. So yes, in this sense I'm a fairly accomplished writer. How can someone who has a hard time talking think that I would respond to the barest minimum of interaction? This happens to me a lot (I'm obviously trying too hard, it must be a sign). When I do find someone to interact with it often cheers me up and gets me going... I admit that something like that can really touch my heart. But unfortunately, I'm also getting cynical and tired about writing to people who don't appreciate it one bit (yes, yes, pearls to the swine and all that, well don't want to sound conceited on my part but sometimes I'm tempted to think this thought...). This constant making of efforts to connect with others really wears me out. Should I just let my computer die as apparently destined to and then let the internet be? We all know that it's a difficult thing to allow if you're lonely and bored. Well, I suppose someone as communicative as me finds it an impossible thing to do. So what is the alternative? Put up with all the incredibly uninteractive stuff out there and just smile and be lovingly understanding about it? I would indeed save my own ass if I did - according to all these Amercian New Agers that I encounter online only I can help myself and the tool is obviously the ever-elusive feeling of love. Oh, I don't disagree... of course not. There's always some truth or lesson in things that you encounter, even the Jehova's Witness I gather.

It's funny, because I used to feel very strongly about the Bodhisattva, which embodies the ideal of compassion. That's when I had a home to go back to if I had enough of other people and especially those who liked to show off their spirituality. Now all these people from all over the world have entered my living room, so there is no escape. It's amazing how some people just seem to sail across the turbulent sea of voices as if nothing could ever reach them... maybe their psychic protection is working for them. As for me, well, all I hear are voices. No, not the kind that would indicate that I'm ascending. Just human talk. Blablablablabla I'm so lucky and blessed blablablabla I had this fantastic kundalini experience blablablabla I have the best job in the world, if you want it too, please follow the link blablabla #followfriday I recommend that people follow N and X because they are such wonderful healing people blablabla people shouldn't focus their energy on the dark and thus perpetuate it but give it love and light blablabla have faith, hope and love for otherwise you will hamper the evolutionary shift blablablabla people must be told that they are all divine blablablabla I hear your pain but it would help if you remembered to be grateful blablabla who you are on the inside is what you attract into your life blablabla just let go of everything and become a conscious co-creator of the world blablabla if you don't feel love you will never get what you desire blablabla you are unique and always amazingly beautiful blablabla you have a choice, to be among those who ascend or not blablabla...

Artwork: "The Way of the World", handmade collage on paper by author, all rights reserved 2008

My New Website And A Few Things About Stress

I quit the horrible drugs that made me even more unfocused than normal, fat, lethargic, painfully hungry, and emotionally and cognitively numb - and we're speaking pretty common medecines, Remeron and Neurontin. It freaks me out to imagine having to be truly dependent on these for one's quality of life. In my case, I was feeling pretty down but I am not clinically depressed, and partly I was given these also to help me sleep since I suffer from insomnia. This didn't work very well since I didn't feel that sleepy in the evening/night but slept away the whole day instead! Since I quit, I've been dieting to lose all the weight I gained and have been feeling very energetic. It's a sad misconception that benzos that are given for insomnia are always a bad alternative. In my case they allow me to actually function in the daytime. I also have had no problem tapering off or switching to other stuff when the tolerance level has gone too high. The latter is in fact the only drawback so far. Oh well, life is indeed complicated when it comes to such issues! I'm mentioning all this because many get so darn patronized by the so-called medical expertise, and it can be very tricky to deal with their opinions and prescriptions. I knew a woman once who said that her doctor would never even prescripe sleeping aid. Gee! I would be dead now if I hadn't had them, since my condition prevents me from falling asleep with ease and to have really restful, deep sleep. Some medicines are such low status stuff because the medical issue isn't considered serious enough - for instance insomnia. Many doctors scorn at it and state that it's idiopatic - self inflicted, even though a person who cannot sleep could die from it. Instead, there are high status conditions such as cancer where no one would question the use of very toxic medicines. It's also a fact that most people don't become addicted to anything - at least 70 % get out of some "phase" of addiction all by themselves when they are done with it. Anyway, it's all screwed up as I'm sure many are aware!

I'm really a high energy person and I am at my happiest when I can be that way and really enjoy doing the creative things that I'm good at during normal circumstances. It could be that I am just having an energetic and more hopeful phase right now - who hasn't heard of artists being a little bipolar in some nonclinical way? The trouble is that I tend to get too wound up and simply cannot turn off my nervous system. This over-activity of my nervous system is part of my condition and to date I have not seen a drug that would address this particular issue. I may not have fibromyalgia in the classical sense, yet the symptoms are similar. Those who know about this condition thus know what it's like to have such poor quality sleep and get very soar and achy from work by the computer. OF COURSE mediation is a great remedy, however when the world turns too fast it can be impossible to sit down. It's a bit like having ADHD, in fact.

So, some positive stress that lasts a little while is good for us and as an artist I have to say that I have a hard time creating anything unless I have this kind of stress going. But what to do when I cannot turn it off? This happened to me recently as I started to work on a new website. Although I'm using a cheap template, the stuff I wanted to fill it with took me a good three days of intense work during which I was sleeping more and more poorly. Check it out though, I think it's not bad! http://www.vivimaricarpelan.com/.

Things are starting to flow with more ease despite a few setbacks regarding people I've relied on who are lavish with promises they don't keep. Maybe it was just as well that I was resting for a while thanks to the weird drugs. Now I really have to be creative since I got a commission to custom make a piece of art for national radio's website, and found out a lot of things about my actual social rights to gain a small amount of money. The radio documentary I am in has helped me find out the truth about a lot of social injustice and that the crap that I've had to endure was indeed unfair. This is such a relief since I now feel that I can do something small to improve my life situation and it will be legal with a little help from the social ombudsman. The stuff I've endured is indeed crazy, but it will be in my book. One would think that this is hillbilly country. I never expected it to be.

There's also the promise of the collaboration with a company in London... I hope it works out as it sounds very exciting. I will also have a photo exhibition in a photo gallery in January, it's demanding but not too bad since the gallery takes care of a whole lot of issues and it's all for free! So let's hope that the good vibes continue, for me and for other people as well. I've heard rumours that the collective energies are improving.

Artwork: The Beauty of Expression, handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

When Changing Your Mindset Isn't Enough - Questions Regarding Spiritual Depression

About a year ago a young man went and shot 9 pupils at a high school in Finland. A year later, another man shoots 10 pupils in a high school. I heard about both cases in the Swedish news, where they also reported that there are more firearms per capita than in most other countries. I think the US is worse, and the third country was probably one in the Middle East. This is a very shocking thing considering that we have always lived with a certain sense of security. Because of the low population in Finland, there is a lot of control, and in fact less corruption than in most countries... Am I living in a country of contradictions? I myself never felt particularly at home here, as one of the minority of Swedish speaking people, I don't really relate to Finnish culture very well. To me it's too stark and unyielding. I am proud to be a Finn when I am abroad, as we are honest people who tend to avoid bragging and bullshitting. This is obviously changing though. While the general atmosphere is more laid back and international, there are also the unwanted elements of the infiltration of the Russian mafia (this is a popular throughway for terrorists) and the craziness that comes from a lack of emotional expression, and the long, desolate winters.

I have been feeling down because of some things that don't seem to disappear although I am keeping myself very busy renovating some furniture and planning a dinner (well, I was really too shy to invite people I don't know all that well, but thought it would be a motivating factor as the days are getting darker... and lonelier. I've also been constructing my own website, improving the old ones, trying to find ways of ordering items connected to my art that I can sell and through which I can promote myself - all this is positive except that I am quickly approaching the limit of the credit that was finally granted me thanks to my long relationship with "the" departmentstore in Helsinki (oh yes, it's that screwed up!). I am tired of being poor and feel almost frantically determined to change this state of affairs. I want to move to a happier environment, I want to feel that I am alive, I want to feel freer, I want to... well you know, all the things that make life worth living. At the moment I'm a bit of a zombie, really. Perhaps as a friend said, it's the isolation that does it. The relentless brooding, the sadness over lost relationships that just won't give in... I don't know. I wish I did. And I guess in some cases, keeping your mind busy is not the solution. So don't believe everything people tell you.

Today I replied to Marianne Williamson's article on Myspace about spirituality and depression. She's the one who wrote "A Course In Miracles", which I respect as I have not read it and have no reason to feel adverse to it (well other than that I didn't read it because I didn't personally feel attracted to it). I am obviously a bit irritable due to all the weird crap that came my way from the spiritual sector during the summer, and so all the oohs and aaahs that her article ignited kind of ticked me off. I mean, come on, folks! Wake up! THINK. For yourselves. Seems as spiritual people are either lulling in some slumber where fairys and angels reign, or scheming evil things with the intention of turning the positive evolution into the revolution of the Dark.

Are the lovey dovey ways going to fix the problems that are more than obvious in this world? I am not saying love gets the thumbs down. Only that... there is "reality" too (I mean the one that still stands after you've removed the illusion-part). You can't love a stranger. Or can you? I guess I thought that was granted only the select few, the real Enlightened ones. But... who am I to say? But when people tell me they love me SOOOO much though they don't have the faintest clue who I am, I get a little suspiscious... Is that paranoia? Possibly. Maybe there's something I'm not getting? Uuuh? Of course, I get even more suspiscious when people do the tests to see how their auras look and publish the results for everyone to see... or do some online test to see what kind of earth angel they might be. Hey, are those any better than magazine tests? You know, the ones people laugh about during coffee breaks? I did one about the auracolour and had a very hard time deciding which boxes to tick. Maybe something is wrong with me? I thought I knew myself really well - after all I've been the main object of my own studies for most of my life... but perhaps I'm too intent on being honest and then I just get... stuck. I did the other one about angels and I just barely made it to "starperson". Then I waited to see if that affected me somehow. Well, truth to say, I was a little more impressed when Archangel Michael talked to me and told me about my origin. IF it was him, of course. But one can always hope.

Ok, here it is: I have studied mysticism and esoterics for nearly 20 years. I think I know a thing or two about the truths the ancients knew already, as well as new findings regarding quantum physics and how it relates to our very basic ability to create (and co-create this reality). I also know about the New Age because I wrote a thesis about it. Admittedly, this movement has changed a bit since, but has it really? I mean, Ken Wilber who does after all have the mind of a genius was very much into the evolution thing. You know, the evolution of consciousness. And when people are talking about the ascension, well is it really a different issue altogether? Hard to say, isn't it? People go all crazy over the Mayan calendar, since 2012 has been marked as a turning point. Truth to say I rather try and manage my day to day life as best I can than get engrossed in all that. It's just too much. I've had so much of all that already. Now I need to live.

Anway, I did write a comment to Williamson, with all my respect for the work she has done, of course. My question is, can we really always fix our mindset and make everything ok? I'll add my response here:

"I'd like to present a slightly different point of view. Not that I disagree with you or that I think I have all the answers. It's just that I used to be very good at monitoring myself when I was sad, I would cry for a while and then go out and spend time in the big bookstore and maybe in its café. That's when I was living in the big city. Maybe the humdrum was distracting me or I was in a more disciplined mode. I suffered a major burn out after this though and it has taken me years to slow down. I'm one of those who have a stressed out nervous system. I moved to a searesort and live alone with my cats in the forest. I thought this would calm me down. In fact I could feel my feelings more acutely and more thoughts more loudly. I tried everything; taking grieving time off to cry about my lost relationships and cats that died under very sad circumstances. I tried to force myself to rest but my stress level was so great I couldn't meditate. Slowly, it got better. But some basic sense of disappointment is holding me in its grip. I've done 30 pieces of artwork this summer which is more than I used to do in year. I am working a lot online (I'm disabled) to promote myself. I am trying to divert attention from any negative thoughts that many so-called spiritual people are prompt to point out. Ok, so I try and ignore my thoughts and only "indulge" in them when I need to write about injustice (well, someone has to, and I do feel it's my purpose). I tried communicating with spiritual people but I was hurt by very many of them, and I promise that I am not exaggerating. The exaggeration is maybe in the fact that I am having trouble letting it go. I have decided to try once more and get out of the social trap I'm in, so I am not totally without a vision for the future. Am I depressed? I finally got a psychatrist who is trying to find out. However, a serotonin boost is seldom the solution, and the extensive use of drugs is only in the interest of drug companies. Like someone said, if you feel happy when you have a reason to be and sad when you also have a reason to be, you're actually healthy. So what are we to do? How are we to get out of the sense of disappointment and desillusionment? I don't know the answer. And believe me: I have been thinking about all this a LOOOOONG time. Btw I understand the "Russian" thing (referring to Marianne's genetic heritage), yes, I am Finnish and so I am not far removed from that either. But that is hardly the ultimate answer. So what is? Truly? With respect, Vivi-Mari Carpelan"

So what is really wrong? Why does a person want so much to "ascend", that is rise into a higher sphere of consciousness, but fails so miserably in creating the reality everyone is talking about? I suspect that one part of the melancholy that lingers somewhere behind all the things that keep me busy, is a disappointment that I tried to fit in with the spiritual people but got only trouble, and that maybe the trouble was a sign that I was forcing it. I have given it a chance - indeed, I spent more time on one of the spiritual sites than I've spent in any other community outside of the socially accepted instititutions. And here I am, claiming defeat. I just cannot force myself to join in with the happy chorus of oohs and aahs and I love yous. On top of everything, I have seen (or believe I have seen) that this is a very American phenomenon. I can hardly keep count on all the people who gave me promises of one kind or another and failed to deliver whatever it was. Well, one promised me a web site but I got tired of waiting (my question, which was not assertive, was met with a defensive explanation about business), and so I created my own through a server (http://www.vivimaricarpelan.vpweb.co.uk/).

It seemed to me while watching all these people who are a majority on the internet, and also in real life through the friend I visited last winter, that promises are given as symbol of optimism, since without it you're dead meat. And if you do want to make it in a highly competitive society, you need to show up a cheery facade and kiss ass, be it real or not. I have thought some about it and it seems that my culture is the opposite in many ways. But in both of them people carry guns and shoot innocent students who are only trying to get themselves an education.

Afterthoughts:

While contemplating these issues today, I thought to add a few of my thoughts. One is, as someone pointed out, that many people today are probably going through a lot of changes and so one needs to try and be compassion about the occasional slip of the ego. I do believe this to be true though it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better at the moment nor help me deal with certain upsetting situations. It's interesting that I read the second article about spiritual depression within a short time span, and I certainly liked Marianne's much better as she was talking out of her own experience. The first one was the one that got me into trouble and that I mentioned in my last blog. Anyway, I do not really feel that I understand what has been said in these articles. To me, it tells me something that people feel a need to use a new term such as "spiritual depression". Now it obviously means, that people are spiritually aware yet depressed at the same time. For some reason that is unclear to me, they want to join these together. Perhaps it's what I have, only I've called it "existential anxiety" or another bout of the real "dark night of the soul" (see previous blog). I don't really feel very connected to "Source" or whatever you want to call the creative force, and it bothers me. I feel guilty about it.

Now feeling guilty of being depressed is certainly a sign of the times. Although it's starting to become a dinner table subject as more and more people confess to popping the happy pill, it's still something you rather not mention as you know that people will shun you. Especially if you don't pop the happy pill! The woman who channelled messages to me in the summer implied at the end in a rather manipulative voice that I "must be highly depressed"; it sums it all up; doesn't it - it's the easy and rather superior answer when you want to get away from someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

Yet as the links below will show, you may suffer from a longing of "the light" or our basic nature, and thus life as we know it may feel hollow. On the other hand it's not very clear to me how you remedy this state of affairs if you're dysthymic enough or mentally and physically fatigued (for instance suffering a burn out which is becoming more and more common these days) since simply "telling yourself you're beautiful in front of the mirror and smiling at the image every morning" may not be an option at the time. Very likely you also suffer guilt from not being able to pull yourself together. It's amazing how many poeple still think it's a matter of getting a grip or scooping the crap underneath the carpet. Also don't forget the power of hopelessness. One example would be that of disabled people who get no support to keep them busy and motivated, and they also cannot gain a few bucks because they are dependent on the social service. This is because the basic pension is too low.

There are many kinds of depression, that is true. Make sure you don't fall into the category of "people who are a bit sad and need medication". Make sure that you deal with your issues in daylight and hope that it will help you have a good night's sleep. If that doesn't help, it may be that you're suffering from dysthymia, which is a mild but chronic depression that is hard to fix. It could have deep existential origins - perhaps something that nothing really can cure until you decide to accpet life as such (this is hard for many), and of course it can stem from unresolved issues from your childhood. Don't immediately assume that it's just a matter of chemical imbalance, hey come on! I mean yes, things affect other things in the body and our energies. Still, ff you eat right and exercise, the odds are small that your hormones are all screwed up. But if you do feel grief that never ends, maybe some form of therapy could help if you can afford it. It is NORMAL to feel grief and loss, but maybe not for months or years. Life does go on, so don't discount the power of self-healing.

One important thing that I forgot to mention is that many sensitive and empathic people absorb collective energies, and I think that I personally had a pretty heavy load of that due to the shooting in this country. After all, it would upset most people that kids get shot for no reason at all.

I also want to underline that many of the unpleasant side effects that people go through when they take the happy pill (loss of libido and creativity, the zest of life, etc.), could occur if you are taken these medecines unnecessarily. It's only normal that your body would react to something that is out of place. These view points are not made by a medical authority, and so I am only telling what I have concluded over the years. It has for instance been proven that people with fibromyalgia rarely respond to anti-depressants though they show signs of distress and irritability.

P.S. Karen (Univision) kindly sent me these links that might answer some questions:

A Spiritual View of Depression

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Boundary of Self

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Hunger for Light

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Light That Shines in the Darkness

A Spiritual View of Depression - Living With the Unknown

Spiritual Healing of Anxiety and Panic DisordersA Spiritual View of Mental Illness

Artwork: "The Art Of Survival", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008