From Victimhood to Victory (Victim Mentality Deconstructed)

There have not been any blogs for a while because I was thrusted into the whirls of an intense new relationship that demanded my full attention 24/7. Before this happened, I had experienced yet another burn out from the stress caused by dealing with the callous people at the social services, and other personal issues to do with dating. It is only now that I have a bit of time to get proper rest and let my mind wander around... I'm not sure what exactly to write but lets see what comes out. The theme is in any case victimhood, made into an even more of a burning topic due to the earthquakes in Haiti.

I think it's more than obvious that there are generally speaking two categories of people in the world; those who are victims and those who are oppressors in one way or another. Powergames are unfortunately to be seen anywhere from within personal relationships to the relationships between citizens and their authorities. Sometimes, as in the case in Haiti, nature appears to cause us great distress and loss. In the following I will focus on the interaction between humans, however. We obviously gain from the security provided by those in power of sorts but we also pay a price that compromises our integrity. In my own life, I have experienced victimhood in many ways. When your body is not strong enough to keep up with the Joneses, you easily get pushed aside by other people and seen as a lesser being. If you're not doing your share of the "work" within society, then why should you have any rights? Of course I was grateful that I was granted the choice of not being in working life but little did I realize how stressful the situation would become nonetheless. Instead of the state paying me a decent allowance I was made to crawl in front of the social services every month in order to get some extra money for electricity, heating and medicines that the pension would not cover. This autumn, the situation eventually became psychologically speaking so unbearable that I saw only one option, and that was to cut the cord to the social services. It was a scary thing to do as I would have very scanty means of surviving, but I had to do it in order to regain a sense of dignity and to remove the stress that these people were causing me. I had to rely on other people for help but it was still a better option in this case. I also made a report to the court of justice but there was no will of taking my complaints about the way I had been treated seriously. I had to swallow my frustration, try and forget my feelings of being wronged, and move on.

Another area in which I have recently felt helpless has been that of dating. I went through a great deal of stressful connections that seemed to only reinforce the feeling that no one wanted me and that no one was on my wavelength. I had to muster the last scraps of self-confidence and inner strength so as not to fall prey to utter despair. In the end I said alright, I shan't continue with my teeth clenched. I had felt that I was at a great disadvantage because of suffering from a condition that few can truly relate to and also because of my physical location. Who would find me here in this solitary and remote corner of Europe? It was all so bewildering. In the end I had to let go and think, well, if I'm meant to meet the right person, then I will. If not... then I have to accept my lot in life. My deepest feeling was, however, that I did not want to remain alone and that in fact I was not really equipped to manage life on my own (and maybe I really shouldn't, as perhaps we are all here to help each other rather than fight wars!). I needed someone by my side but not a parent-figure who would nanny me. I had great doubts that the right sort of person existed but I kept on hoping while I loosened the reins... and at that moment the right man appeared.

One of the first things this man said to me was that he would not have contacted me if he had felt that I was into victimizing myself. He could see that I was a "victim" in terms of being forced to rely on the goodwill of people of all sorts (doctors, the social people, the state, ignorant people in general, men I've tried to date or have relationships with, and so on) and that I was a bit of a mess because of it, but he also saw that I was fighting for my sense of personal freedom and integrity. Thank goodness! I am indeed very lucky... someone finally perceived me for who I believe I am. Thing is... it's alright to feel weak and vulnerable - allowing such feelings is healthy as they are natural and should not be repressed. It's alright to have moments of doubt and even feel sorry for yourself. It's human! I'm the first one to admit to having trouble with the kind of helplessness that comes from fatigue, physical weakness and from being a highly sensitive person. But it's the general attitude that counts... being able to say alright, this is my life and only I can take responsibility for it.

My new partner and I quickly established a working relationship that is based on the idea of teamwork, so that our various strengths complement each another. He has the physical strength and stamina that I lack and so I feel that I can finally let go of some of the heavy burdens in my personal life. I am hoping that I am now transitioning from simply "managing" life to actually living and enjoying it. This would not be possible without the help of someone who can fill in certain blanks in my private life. It seems that I might be able to move away from the dreadful feeling of being "helpless, weak and dependent" to a state of being in which I can develop my true potential rather than spending all my energy on practical trivia. The practical side of life is quite difficult for me because of my condition, but when I get to share all the decision-making and the activities that life calls for on a mundane level, life truly takes on a whole other meaning and various fears and apprehensions may turn into positive anticipations regarding the future. It is not about co-dependency, but a case of relying on another person for assistance because you have reasons to trust them. And of course, in the end it's about true equality and a balanced given-and-take though it can be hard to see what exactly you're giving the other person!

In the West, we live in a society that celebrates independency and freedom but most of it is an illusion. Like I said, we're in it together, aren't we? However, there is a difference between unhealthy dependency based in powergames, and a healthy working relationship of assisting those in need (see early blogs on this topic). We should certainly strive to remove ourselves from the sense of victimhood because nothing good comes of it. If we find ourselves in a place that provokes an experience of dependency and victimhood in relation to authorities or other people in general, we must fight it... there is always something good to be found in terms of learning experience. I am not saying there are no victims; in a sense we are all victims in one way or another. That's the way the world is today as we are not yet living utopia. Though I hope things will gradually improve, I am also not in favour of the typical New Age idea that it's wrong to even talk in terms of victimhood. I have been attacked by such people way too many times, as they have perceived my occasional despair as their favourite topic for conversion to New Age ideals. As soon as you even as much as whisper that you feel overwhelmed by external forces, it is not unusual to hear that you're being negative and only interested in pretending to be weak in order to get sympathy from others.

There are indeed energy suckers who do that sort of thing but obviously, it's not always that simple. As usual, I prefer to take the middle path. On a spiritual level it is possible to see all this from a different perspective and as a game within the frame of dualism that helps people learn about a more genuine and caring interaction based in empathy rather than pity (for instance, the case of true caring tends to creep up when natural disasters such as the earthquakes in Haiti occur). It can also help us establish boundaries and decide that other people have no real power over us. I know this bit is very difficult and hard to grasp. All I can say is, that everyone has their own quest and may or may not be able to see things from a more spiritual point of view. I think that we do need each other and should never deny this; on the other hand we must be very clear about our personal integrity and not allow others to take advantage of ourselves or throw ourselves into a pity-party. The latter is a sort of passive-aggressive way of attempting power over those that seem to exercise power over us. It surely goes without saying that it's not a constructive way of solving problems!

Incidentally, both myself and my partner have exes that have tried to use their victimhood as a way of getting to us. My ex in the USA refuses to send me my personal belongings and artwork although I have paid him to do so. He goes on and on promising this, promising that... nothing ever happens and the last thing I heard was that he can no longer find the things that were originally neatly packed in one box. Of course, in his mind I am the evil one who doesn't have the patience to wait for my things or even ask for them in the first place (this has taken two years). This is someone who is clearly unable to care for others because he's so engrossed in the wrongs that other people are doing onto him. People who perceive of themselves as the ones who are always being wronged by others will usually become quite manipulative as demonstrated above. My partner's ex who felt wronged because he didn't feel she was right for him was stalking me online and trying to manipulate me into believing that my partner has so and so many flaws (of course the last one in a row of many evil men). When that didn't work as she had hoped she tried to manipulate him into believing all sorts of horrible things about me based on bits and pieces of information that she had gathered on the internet by infiltrating into spaces where she had no business to be in the first place (posing under an assumed identity). Apparently this is due to some form of stifling victimization and unability to let go and let live. Of course, the trick is to try not to feel like a victim of those who victimize themselves... not always easy, true.

So how do you recognize people who victimize themselves so that you can be on your guard? Well, apart from the obvious fact that they blame everyone else for their misfortunes, my experience tells me that these people tend to appeal to other people's emotions repeatedly and excessively. You also get the sense of speaking to a child when you confront them about issues of conflict. That's because most likely, they got stuck in some pattern as children and were not able to resolve it back then with the help of an adult. As adults, they should take responsibility for their own deficiencies, however. Of course, it's always advisable to seek help and counselling, but the first step of recognition and desire to open up repressed issues obviously comes from themselves (who else?).

All you can do is to decide that these kind of people do not have power over you and re-align with your true self and integrity. You may have to cut a few cords in order to do so. I still find it very hard so I can see that it's one of those major life lessons. Each has to find their own way of setting boundaries. The main thing is that we don't fall into the trap of feeling pity, which is a way in which those with a victim mentality can keep us tied to their energy. And do not listen to all the "I had a dysfunctional childhood" talk if it seems a bit too obsessive. While the things that were going on as we were helpless children might have been seriously disturbing, the truth is the majority of all people have had some kind of dysfunctional background. It's all very well to talk about it and recognize where your issues come from, but don't use it as a way of provoking pity in others: it's ridiculous. Use it only as a means of deeper understanding and if you are so inclined, as a way of spiritual growth. While it's also true that many of us are in a weak position and feel very helpless at times, there is always a way out. It may take time, but the way I see it is that life "wants" to evolve and thus we also will if we only have the incentive to do so.

Artwork: digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2010

The Social Trap - Read This If You Want To Know About Injustice!

I think it is rather obvious that victimhood rules the planet. However, many spiritual people like to come down on people who they feel are victimizing themselves, while in reality it may be that there are great lessons to be learned from a state of victimhood. This is something that has happened to me numerous times, and that I always find frustrating. I know that my life has a purpose in that I can pinpoint things that are very wrong with many of the attitudes that govern our world. If I complain about issues in regards to feeling like a victim, it may sometimes be just that - a complaint. But I also want to raise awareness, that if we close our eyes to some of the things people do to each other in order to make them into victims, people could get away with murder. Which in fact, as things are now, they do! I can see that many people could gain from looking at their situation from a point of view that would empower them instead of disempower them. I am not advocating apathy! But Hitler existed for real and what happened then and all the time as we speak, is not a chimera. This is an article about social injustice the way I have experienced it, written for the ezine Scribespirit 2/3 2007. This is an important topic that I have had to learn about in this life. A choice? Who knows. I don't believe in coincidence and chance.

You can also skip the philosophy and go directly to the latter part, "later addition", which explains some bare facts about poverty in Finland.

It has often been said that being born in Finland is like winning the lottery. I live in Finland and I am on disability. Against my will, I have had to live off social welfare for the greater part of my life, so I feel that I'm in a position to make a few statements about money and power in this context. I want to bring out a few of my experiences at the grass root's level, but also some thoughts regarding some deeper values and virtues connected to wealth and poverty, namely those of compassion and generosity. It has been suggested, that a person's happiness is dependent on the environment they live in. The implication seems to be, that a poor person is likely to be less miserable in a poverty stricken environment than a poor person in an affluent environment. This is why I also want to address the issue of poverty in affluent countries.

Are there any virtues connected to poverty? I will present a couple of points of view of a spiritual nature before I dig into the more concrete facts. I think that most people would agree that the renunciation of worldly goods can be a sign of over strung religious sentiments where martyrdom is seen as a virtuous stance with the potential of removing sinful behavior. A counter reaction has emerged within New Age thinking which promotes the idea that we create our own reality and have a birth right to live in abundance. Unfortunately this kind of stance may cause an unwillingness to see and respect the suffering of the poverty stricken part of humanity. I personally agree with the new spiritualist ideas that our attitude is of crucial importance in helping us attract certain things into our lives, but this is an idea apart from moral virtues. I am thus not against the ideas that have been presented in relation to the so-called Law of Attraction (c.f. movies such as The Secret and What the Bleep do we know). What concerns me is that only very rarely do people who have it all, care much about anyone else's welfare. I think obsessing about having more money and seeing the accumulation of money as a sign of spiritual success is dangerous. Financial elitism of any kind can create more barriers between people where people might in fact gain from seeing themselves as part of a great network that is in essence One. How can we avoid the ego traps and stay real? I'm not trying to ban any contemporary spiritual beliefs. I only hope that people are aware of the deeper implications of their belief systems. What are spiritual people truly surrendering to?

Since the spiritual viewpoints are deep and complicated I hope my comments have given a little food for thought, and will leave the purely religious/spiritualist dogmas at this. I want to bring into focus the case about money in the context of our lives as human beings within the framework of society (the collective, in other words). I believe that the living conditions that are an undeniable part of reality for so many people in the Western world of today need to be addressed as a priority next to ecological pursuits and animal rescue. I think that knowing reality for what it is and understanding the problems on the collective level, is a prerequisite for transcending it. Although we need to own a healthy sense of self-preservation and look for our own happiness, I think it goes without saying that compassion and altruism cannot flourish in those who turn a blind eye to the reality and suffering of so many other fellow human beings. Maybe we are, in fact, dealing with a fundamental paradox here? Could the marriage of abundance and compassion be a solution to spiritual impoverishment? Not an easy trick to perform, I think, but then nothing of any greater value ever is, is it?

I would claim that it is virtuous to be poor if it makes you understand what life is like for other people who are poor. After all, over 90 % of the world's population is poor. On the other hand, it is probably virtuous to be wealthy if it teaches you to appreciate abundance without becoming mentally dependant on it, and if it helps you develop a truly generous frame of mind. We all have our lessons, but surely compassion and altruistic deeds are among the deepest and most important lessons of them all? I believe we are dealing with very complicated issues here. How about, for instance, trying to be compassionate of the wealthy if we are poor, and vice versa. Who can honestly say that they can do this?

It's a problem when you don't have much energy to accumulate wealth, and you get stuck in a vicious circle where you feel deprived and depressed and unable to pick yourself up onto a happier level of existence. It's also a problem if you are rich and you get cut off from the realm of the physical world the way it appears to most people in the world, and you get fixated on holding onto your money. How many people are able to sustain a good middle ground? I bet it's not very many.

Life can obviously be beautiful whether you are rich or poor. But the reality is usually that money does help to provide with a better life experience and may empower the individual with a sense of self worth, social status and independence. A poor person is likely to suffer from chronic stress due to not being able to make ends meet easily. While it is true that many of the best things in life are for free, the opportunities of enjoying these are obviously much lower if you do not have the means of paying for the various fees related to these. This could mean any number of things. How about living in a safe neighborhood, owning a car that helps you "get away from it all" every once in a while (relying on public transportation is very tiring, tedious, expensive and generally dissatisfactory), owning a pet, having money to buy plants for your garden (not everybody has a greenhouse to sow plants from seeds), paying for the ridiculously high entrance fees to museums (yes, they've gone up!), visiting social gatherings, paying for the dating services online (the prizes are outrageous!), paying for a cleaning service if you're elderly or sick, or paying for the medicines or the experts that can help relieve any physical suffering (national healthcare only provides with the means to barely keep you alive!). Many think that the elderly and handicapped get plenty of social aid. This is only true for the most severely handicapped people. The rest of us who are either old or suffer from arthritis, fibromyalgia or any other physically debilitating disease, have to make it through the day without external help. Consider also, that in Finland cheap dental care is only granted citizens born after 1954! One would think that assisting people in keeping their own teeth would be of a major concern, not to mention how dangerous it is to the heart to have bad teeth. It is ironic how much money goes into fussing with cardiac healthcare in other ways!

In most countries, living off social security (so-called "welfare", haha) means that you receive monetary help for the bare necessities only. The old fashioned mentality that depriving people as much as possible will motivate them to find work or create other means of making a living is still alive and well in today's world. New research has found, however, that this old fashioned assumption is not true at all. In fact, it is the little "extras" in life and other people's compassion and generosity that spur most people to try and better their lives. Dependence on feeble and insufficient, not always so benevolent, good-will (be it of the government or some charity), is without any doubt a very stifling and depressive predicament to find oneself in. Research has also found that it is precisely the feeling of deprivation that leads to crazy bouts of overspending. Behavior which is, of course, condemned as immature and irrational behavior by those in a more fortunate position.

For those who suffer from a chronic and hugely debilitating illness from an early age it gets even worse, since the prospect of changing the situation is bleak. In my own case the pension that I receive is of a minimum, and therefore I also have to apply for some social aid every month. Suffice to say, that the amount has not increased in 15 years although the living costs have, and that the procedures that one is put through on a constant basis are excruciatingly humiliating. Unfortunately, the social people rarely meet you with respect and understanding. One even asked me to find a little job on the side so that I could earn some extra money. I guess they don't believe that you are ill! Well... the money that I'd be allowed to earn would be minimal, and it would rob me of the social security! In practice it means that the extra money would go into medicines and electricity and not into any so-called luxury items or uplifting experiences! What do you do when you're either too old, or ill, and dependent on social welfare, and not even allowed to make any extra money in the case you could manage it physically? In fact, you do not even own the right to take a loan in order to balance up your finances, because this is seen as an income and will rob you of the social services. So what can you do? What sense of dignity can a person in this predicament maintain?

Not long ago a minister here in my home country Finland made a statement on TV saying that the beneficiaries of the social services are so well off because the social pays one's telephone bill, TV license, or alternatively a daily journal of your choice. This badly informed minister who was spreading false beliefs in the living situation of the less fortunate ones was in fact referring to the golden days of the 1980's. That was very, very long ago. Finland prides itself of being one of the 20 most affluent countries in the world. Well, I ask you, of what consequence is this when the level of affluence in a true democratic spirit is so appallingly low in the rest of the world? We all know that the governments tend to make financial cuts by reducing the social benefits so that the logistics (state loans, etc.) would look good on paper.For many, living off social security means being cut off from the external world (no TV, since licences in this country cost over 1000 US dollars per year, no computer, no telephone, no newspaper) and not even being able to enjoy the closeness and love of a pet (not counting the veterinary costs, the upkeep of one cat is at least 30 € a month. In this country nonbreed cats are not liable to insurances). This is what many in the affluent countries have to live with. This is a very real and very traumatic issue, because it is directly related to the idea that those who are not capable of making a living are second rate citizens and consequently of less value to society than those who are making a palpable contribution. All this boils down to the simple fact that a person's value is measured in money, and that authorities have the means to exert a subtle but none the less potent power over those who are less fortunate.

Later addition - more gory details: On request, I will clarify how the Finnish social system works for people on disability. If you have worked prior to your disability, you get a monthly payment that is dependent on the money that was saved for your pension. If not, then you get a very low income, the lowest being 560 € a month. On top of that, you get a couple of hundred in the form of an aid to pay your rent. For instance if your rent is low such as 400 €/month you pay about 100 € yourself out of your pension. However, if you have electric heating and/or expensive medication, you will have to go to the social services. They distract about 60 € from the minimum pension because according to their calculation you only need about 400 € to survive each month. The trouble is, this is a sum that has not changed much over the past 20 years although inflation and a radical increase in the cost of food and living has happened during this time. What is even worse is that this money is really meant only for emergency situations. It has not been intended for long term use although as far as I know unemployment money is about the same once you're long term unemployed. This means that for some odd reason, disabled people are put in the same category as people who are temporarily out of money.

If you're disabled at a young age, you have no way of creating a normal life for yourself, since the money you recieve is hardly enough to feed you, let alone feed any pets. There are only very few charities that hand out anything for free in this country - in fact the Salvation Army charges horrible amounts for their stuff. And no one will transport the things for you either. Clothes you either buy second hand (not very tempting option once you're past 40) or you start collecting debts. Ironically, you are not allowed to have a credit card because your income is too low, however post order companies willingly grant you credits since you're likely to be paying them for many years to come and they thus gain quite a bit in interest. This is basically the only way that you can acquire things such as a computer, a TV, a telephone, any other appliances for the home, furniture and of course nice looking clothes (unless you're into the bum look or happen to have a figure that works with anything you can find - being deformed myself I can tell you this is not a minor issue in some people's lives!). Now, it's obvious that many of the items listed are going to help you not get potty. We need things to do and ways of following up on stuff that's going on in the world. Yes, there is the library but it can be a long trip for some... It is one of society's finest inventions but limited, nonetheless, and also threatened to become extinct. Obviously using the library computer is not a long term solution if you really want to do things on it and spend time talking or chatting with other people. The telephone is something that even the social people expect you to have. In fact, most companies also expect you to have a computer. And now to the really upsetting part: you cannot have a TV unless you pay the licence. That is about 200 € a year. It's quite a lot of money considering you already have adsl (in my house the cheapest you get is 36 € a month) and phone bills (the cheapest deal I have is a minimum of 20 € a month), plus need to renew your equipment and appliances every once in a while as well. Not everyone has a handy/geeky husband, brother or son who takes care of such things! Forget about insurances, too.

Ok, you don't need a medical insurance in this country (not that the service you get is worth much anyway). But what about the other things (not traveller's insurance since you obviously cannot travel anywhere) - but, for instance, what happens if your house burns down because you didn't quite have the 60-100 € to pay for the home insurance? It hit me the other day and I simply could think of no other answer from the social people than: start over. This is a horryfying thought especially if you are already in debt because of wanting a reasonably decent home (some of us actually do care!). In fact, being ill is a full time job and you need to be super smart to prioritize and plan your life absolutely correctly and you can obviously have no vices whatsoever so you should basically just sit in a rocking chair, follow the spider's track on the wall, and lull yourself to sleep. Unless you have insomnia from all the worrying about money, of course.

I also want to mention that in our country, a car is definitely not considered a necessity, and it is thus something you probably won't have unless you have family that supplies that kind of thing for you. Someone who has nobody has to walk or bike. And no, the bike nor a trolley in which you can put your groceries, are not supported by the social service (my dad took pity on me and got me a trolley, and they cost 200 €!). I live about 3 km's away from the shops. Luckily the trains grant you 50% off and the bus too if the trip is more than 30 km, but it's still very expensive. My social worker wants me to move so that they wouldn't have to pay for the electric heating. She cannot get it into her head that I do not know a man or two who would pack my things and then transport them for me. Obviously, the move would be on me. The same woman thinks I should have a part time job such as teaching - basically, as far as I can see, for the very same reasons. That is, so that they wouldn't have to pay my electricity. So I, who am not fit for working, should still work so that the city can save a few bucks?

In fact, the only things supported these days are heating/electricity, and prescription medicines. Still, your social worker might ask you to pay first and then get refunded, but it can be a terrible thing if you suddenly have to get an expensive medecine at the end of the month. Once my social worker looked at my bank statement and said, oh, but you paid the 200 € with your credit card so no problem right? NO I didn't! It's a f*** bank card that usually takes the money out of your account immediately. I won't go into the details of the trouble this kind of expense could render if you have bills that need to go the same day. No pardon there! If you're into herbal medicines and such things, forget it, you can't afford it. If your pet has trouble and needs to see a veterinarian, it's on you. I have had to come up with 400 € several times because of some issue with my cats. I reckon I pay about 100 € a month for three cats, because two of them happen to be very big and eat tons. In short, there is no space for emergencies. You want to know what my reality looks like? Ok, I'll satisfy your curiousity. It is the absolute worst case scenario. And that is in a country that prides itself to be among the most affluent in the world. But sure, I have a roof over my head and stuff. Sure. I'm luckier than people in the third world country but am I lucky to live in Finland? And remember, don't try to immigrate here. They don't want more people who live off social security. It's bad for the statistics.

Let me tell you something: a couple of years ago, someone collected stories of poverty in Finland, published them and gave a free copy to all the politicians in the parliament. What is your guess - do you think anyone ever cared to read it?

Artwork: "A Matter of Priorities", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008