Don't Be a Know-All!

True kindness will beat a piece of so-called "good advice" any time, and I am saying this without hesitation. People who have listened or shared my difficulties, who have bought me catfood or given me donations, have done more good than all the self-righteous people who were so eager to preach to me about all the things I should do and especially about the workings of the Law of Attraction. It strikes me that those who are full of good advice rarely say anything encouraging or positive about me. They may preach about the importance of being open and kind towards others but fail to display signs of true kindness and compassion themselves. Their advice is mostly a disguised form of patronizing reprimand that ultimately undermines one's own sense of dignity.

I am writing all this so that people would consider what it means to be a know-all and someone who does more harm through a lack of real knowledge about, and insight into, someone else's situation. I know that we all have a tendency to be this way at times when we wish to help but don't know how. Unfortunately, if we always excused this kind of behaviour as well-meaning babble, we'd remove the responsibility of each and every one to be a better co-human being. I will give an example from my own life, the way I usually do even though I risk being ridiculed. This is not because I have the strength to deal with personal attacks, though. I know it sounds contradictory but I'd like for people to understand someone like me. I have an illness that seriously undermines my ability to deal with adversity but I am a stubborn person who will not give away any of my integrity. Recently I've been wondering how on earth I can make this work for me. Even thinking about it wears me out.

Strange enough, there were three social events this week during which, for a change, I was able to meet people in real life. The first one went well and did help me relax and get away from my problems for a while. The other ones included a person that I don't know that well but I thought of as a nice and happy person, albeit somewhat self-centred. Thus, I was totally unassuming. Well, this lady who is over 20 years my senior started to try and convince me that I have to reply to dating ads in the newspaper read by our linguistic minority. There are times when I cut a contact short very fast because I sense that something is wrong and my integrity is being compromised. For instance, earlier this week I did this with a man online who started off on a flirtatious note but then changed from warm to cool in a matter of days. I knew I had done nothing wrong but when I mentioned this and asked what the deal is, he as many before him started to blame me by turning it around to look as if I was emotionally attached to him. I guess this is a game many men like to play, be it subconsciously or not. I can't accept it, though maybe it will keep me lonely for the rest of my life. I guess I should add that as stated in other blogs of mine I also cannot deal with the stress of unclear relationships. When I was listening to this lady though, I was unable to cut her short. Maybe part of me wanted to give her advice a chance. I know I tend to do this at times. But she was relentless and wouldn't take no for an answer when I didn't agree with her point of view. I tried to explain how stressful the past few years have been in terms of relationships so I'm not sure what risks I can take now, but she wasn't listening. She also figured I am too picky. She has no idea how much I've tried to accommodate to men in my past and lower my expectations, and how I've realized that I mustn't sell myself cheap. Among other things I said that I have enough of egotrippers but she told me straight in my face that I am obviously one too so I have to learn to take turns with someone else who is the same! I felt my heart beat faster and my face boil; signs of increasing stress. Those who heard all this clearly thought she was out of line. My mother said "Vivi-Mari is after all on disability for a reason..." but it didn't help much. In the end I tried to laugh it all off, though in fact my evening was ruined from having been reminded of such painful issues and the feeling that my personal experiences weren't acknowledged by the lady of monologues. I've said a thing or two about overly "positive" people before, but apparently I'm not done with it. There has to be a balance, but who these days is a truly balanced individual?

The following day the group was slightly different but the lady of the endless monologues was also there. After some stories that were somewhat amusing but contained a lot of name dropping and talk about her aristocratic environment she suddenly started to talk about how some people may be predestined to important tasks. I tried to say that viewpoints on such issues depend on each and every one's spiritual beliefsystem, but she didn't listen. Her eyes were almost bulging when she insisted that something is causing this predestination. Then she started to talk about my boyfriend issue again and gave me a whole range of pieces of advice about that and other things in life. Now she felt that I am looking for the prince on the white horse that would "save" me. I said sourly that I am intelligent enough not to believe that anyone would save me (though one naturally hopes someone would appear as a helping hand). No, now I had to listen to a sermon about how I should be looking for female friends instead, without knowing whether I have any or not! She assumed that I keep everyone at bay. I said that I always give new people a chance. "A chance??", she exclaimed. "Don't you realize what you're saying? A chance! Now that is telling..!". I attempted to explain that all it means, is that I try and be open about each new person who enters my life. Does it have to mean anything more than that? She didn't listen as usual but insisted that I'm closed off and unwilling to open up towards people, so no wonder I'm alone!

Now I think that it's pretty clear that when you are being bombarded with unsolicited advice you normally do get defensive. In my opinion this is what accounts for the "wall" she said she encountered in me. Maybe I should have been aggressive and stopped her right then and there but I am not able to in a social situation like that. I tried as usual to explain my situation a bit but she told me that I obviously don't want my situation to change since I'm so negative about her advice (implying anybody else's advice too, of course). She was totally convinced that I don't allow anyone close and that it was her job to make me realize that I need to let my guard down. In reality I am struggling not to give up on people and I am also struggling to change my life situation for the better. Really, I should just have yelled "who are you to judge me when you know nothing about me?!" but I was stunned and also unwilling to raise my voice in the company of the lovely hostess of this get together.

I was actually left alone with the argumentative lady for quite some time because the others went to smoke. My mother who was present for some of the time told me today that she did later reprimand this lady for having trespassed my boundaries big time and had also pointed out that I really am not emotionally nor physically equipped to withstand attacks on my integrity. In fact this lady is in the medical field, which probably only made her even more opiniated. It seems to be very hard for most people to understand that someone can lack any stress tolerance at all. I look normal and in general nothing gives me away. I don't exactly want to flag my condition since I'm trying to live as normal a life as possible. But the truth is I am ill. I eventually started to cry because there was nothing I could do to keep her from continuing to attack me. She then winced a bit and came to my side and said that she simply wants to help me when she sees how guarded and closed off I am... She talked about being a Rosen therapist and how I must consider therapy, but of course I would rather be offered a real session than be told to do something I cannot afford. She then left and the hostess came to check on me. The hostess said it's obvious that some people are very eager to pass on judgment and "good advice" without really knowing what the hell they are talking about. She doesn't know that much either but what I have said she has registered. I didn't want to make her upset about the incident in her home so I dried my tears and pretended that I was okay.

What was left of the evening was spent trying to make the insisting lady understand that I really cannot write much by hand anymore because I am ill, and also trying to explain about the internet to her while she kept saying she thinks it's all stupid and she doesn't understand why anyone would like to blog, participate online in forums or talk to strangers. I tried to bring out the idea that one sometimes has to learn how to draw one's lines online, especially someone like me. I'm a little too nice, serious-minded, over-sensitive and not able to cope with stress. This is a reality for all who have some form of fibromyalgia. My point was that I am having to learn to say no to a lot of people, but of course the plaguing lady had to turn that into a negative attitude as well!

When I biked home in the biting cold night I felt very tense and unhappy, when in fact the evening could have made a positive difference in my life. I was thinking how easily people like this can make reality tip over for someone who is depressed and suicidal. As a side note: fibromyalgia causes a form of depression that cannot be cured, but if one has supportive friends and family it's not always a problem. It took me most of the weekend to get over the feeling of physical weakness and distress that these two evenings had caused, though my mother's understanding and supportive words helped a bit. As I'm writing this my heart is starting to race again. I will end here but just remind everyone that you can never know what problems a person is battling with. Granted; the lady I've used as an example probably had some issue on her mind that made her go even more overboard than one could ever have expected. My odd life situation always triggers people and I don't know what to do other than become more guarded. But I should also add as a friend drew my attention to our inner fences and adjusting one's reactions, that I am working on trying not to get too affected by those who attack me. Most of the attacks are just emotional projections, but my stress is real enough.

Artwork: "Cake with Cream" or "Coucou", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Gender Issues, Cyberlove and Truthfulness

Every intellligent man I've ever talked to has denied that there are any differences between the genders that are truly worth mentioning. The funny thing is, every intelligent woman that I have talked to has denied that there would not be some very significant differences. It seems to me, that women in general have a broader scope of vision that encompasses viewpoints connected to emotions and intuition. It seems to me, that the old adage that women are caretakers and therefore tend to be more compassionate still stands true despite some attempts at greater equality between the sexes. Equality is also a funny thing because in my country, it means that men don't open doors to women or help them out when they are struggling with their baby carriages. Some more intellectual people try and reach the true essence of equality that would allow both parties to have an equal say in matters of the heart as well as matters of day-to-day practicality. I read somewhere, that Swedish women are the happiest women in the world. They have the most freedom to do what they want and also have the man's blessing. They don't seem to mind too much that it's at the expense of the old fashioned courteous ways that make a woman feel like a woman. Subject not closed as yet, it seems. See an early blog on the issue of true equality from a spiritual point of view.

I recently became aware by talking to various people that I need to try and empty myself of a lot of indoctrination that has happened over the past years. I need to hold on more to my quest for real honesty and authenticity and not the make belief kind of truthfulness that abounds. It's not very easy because there are many counterforces that try to allure a person into a dishonest position. If people you engage yourself with are not on the same wavelength, you'll have even more trouble in this regard. This is anyway a very real and important issue for me right now. Men have tried to undermine my strength because they were weak individuals, society has attempted to squash me and force me into a category of second rate citizens (they obviously have no use for me so why bother?) and spiritual people have been very fervent in handing out advice as to how I should live my life. I have been observing and digesting and trying to figure out what all these people are about. I see very little altruism in this world. I honestly don't think altruism is in the eyes of the beholder, though beauty is, and therefore we have a saying that stresses beauty. I see a lot of inner beauty in human beings almost as if I can't help it, but reality proves to be different. I feel very strongly, that it's a case of confusion, frustration and ignorance that covers up the inner light. On the rare occasion when I see kindness, I light up as well. To be complimented for one's kindness is a beautiful thing and something I am always very grateful to hear. But when is it only a compliment meant to allure you to feel more for the other person? In the real world, you may be able to tell quite easily. In the cyber world, this may be far more difficult. People are not who you might think they are, though that granted you can indeed in my opinion use discernment and see some portions of the truth. Virtual contacts is a great way of exercising discernment.

So how does kindness relate to equality and gender issues? Well, it seems to me that it's very difficult to be friends with a man. In the past, it has worked well for me because there has been this unspoken agreement that nothing else is going on or ever will. I have been fairly sure of what I've wanted and I've also been able to read the men sufficiently to know what they want. Usually, they express romantic interest very quickly or then not at all. In my more adult years I have met only one guy who came onto me after we'd known each other for quite some time. But I did suspect him of fancying me all the same.

In recent years, I've had to rely on internet contacts in order to have a social life. I have believed in various compliments regarding my talents or kindness. It hasn't always occurred to me that there might have been an ulterior motif such as getting me to be supportive of them. Women beware! If they claim to be terribly interested in who you are, please practice caution. Unfortunately, most of my experiences with men who were interested in me were pretty bad. A couple of Asians wanted to come and meet me almost without any preliminary contact at all. A German guy who was very much into some spiritual guru was prepared to cheat on his wife and "keep" a woman in Helsinki that he visited quite often. Well, that's what I figured out later since his first explanation was simply that the marriage wasn't going well at all. He wasn't quite sure about me though, so he grilled me for a couple of months and wouldn't agree to meet me. I was curious and since we got on well I somehow felt interested to meet. The waiting was very stressful on me though. We met once, I gave him all sorts of viewpoints I think he needed to hear, and he told me that it would be hard to live with me because I "notice everything". He was nice enough but had I had the experiences I have had now I would have bid him adieu in a week's time within knowing him. My choices are sometimes a bit odd, I do admit that. Whenever I feel a connection with someone, I am prepared to make a lot of efforts in order to get to know them. Now the succession of experiences that followed included an Italian who called whenever it suited him (he was obviously not interested and that caused some negative reactions in me), some really perverted suggestions, and the return of my ex that involved a 24/7 waiting period to hear from him in one way or another. He was in Helsinki while I had already moved away to a town 2 hours away. After that was over I waited for an American guy to show up here in Finland but he chickened out. Soon after another American came onto me online and made all sorts of promises that I only later found out that he wasn't able to keep. I was waiting for his phone calls every day. Eventually I had to go to America myself in order to meet him. Well, it was yet another disaster lasting three months, after which I was still waiting for his calls for a number of months and then for my things that he is not able to deliver. And all this is only for starters; there's more but I will refrain from boring the reader. I do also have a condition that causes very low stress tolerance but along with all this constant waiting on men, their visits, calls and decisions, wore me out completely. I obviously had to stop being so desperate, haha. But anyway, you get the picture? For some odd karmic reason, I've had to WAIT a lot. For men. I guess they do need to retreat into their cave every so often, though that's really a best case scenario.

Now, with all the virtual messaging going on I do feel somewhat desperate to talk to and actually get to meet the people I am talking to as fast as possible. This is obviously difficult if the geographical distance is great. Yet one can always hope, and maybe even plan it. This is especially true in the case of the opposite sex. Now why would this be?

I think it's quasi impossible to engage in an interesting conversation with someone of the opposite sex without considering the element of romance. However, since I'm rather realistically minded in this sense and have never felt love in cyber space, I find it very hard to understand how troubling this is to other people. A recent incident left me completely upside down when my vision of a truly honest and interesting quest for authenticity was interpreted as a desire for romance. Let me say this about myself and many other women; we do want to feel appreciated as women and it can be a great starting point for friendship that can eventually lead to something more. However, if we feel appreciated only for our brains (or I do anyway) then it's kind of a turn off. Most of the time. It's not that I am aiming at a romantic outcome. I just don't want to be treated by a man like a person without a gender. On the other hand, I also don't want to be accused of looking for romance just because I'm expressing interest in a man's intellect and personality. Oh, I know this is confusing and I've been struggling this weekend to make sense of it all. It's all the more difficult because of the elusive concept of equality. What exactly does it mean? Nobody knows but those who are intelligent feel it's important. I think that if it's very clear from the start that the connection is only based on friendship and will not go further, then there is no problem. This is very difficult to establish in the virtual world, however. It is just way too easy to fantasize, or to misunderstand and twist another's efforts to be genuine and open. It's even more confusing when the genuinity and openness, as well as kindness, is being encouraged, but there are no signs that there could ever be a meeting in real life. I mean, if someone is at least a little interested, they would agree that meeting would be a goal to work towards, right? Surely it's only normal that one would express some frustration if this is not possible very fast. So how do you deal with such ambiguities?

Because of a great confusion on this level in regards to an internet contact I had a forceful emotional break down that brought up all the bad experiences I've had in the past few years, as well as my fear of rejection that popped up all of a sudden. My gutfeeling was telling me that I was in yet another situation of waiting. The messages were not clear regarding the expectations on the relationship in question and I felt that I had to play by someone else's rules, though later on when it was already "too late" I learned that I had had some kind of expecatations (I'm aware of only one, which was to be heard and understood just like he did!). I am simplifying the situation so as to stick the issue that my blog is about. I have to say though, that as a result of my strong reaction, suddenly it seemed that neither my kindness nor my feelings were that imporant to the other person anymore. A female friend suggested to me this is to be expected. When men run into trouble, they avoid it. They don't even want to consider the possibility that they may be losing an extraordinary person, a "one timer". They tend to think in terms of the here and now and what makes them uncomfortable is what needs to be eliminated. I'm sorry if this sounds terribly stereotypical and men are welcome to disagree, but this assumption is based on years of experience and talk with other women. In this case my emotional break down was apparently reason enough to cause division. No matter how much I tried to explain the reasons and how they had little to do with the person in question, there was little receptivity as if the knight's shield was up to prevent any arrows from hitting the wrong place. I do wish that men would realize that women usually are much more emotional and not be so scared of it. We really can't help at times that we don't have a choice in controlling our feelings.

Meanwhile, as I'm waiting for some kind of response that may or may not come, I'm really cooling off. Whereas some things obviously turn guys off, some things turn women off. Somewhere deep down the knowledge that someone wasn't all that interested in talking on the phone and meeting up, hurts the woman in me. It seems to me, that I was asking for answers when I shouldn't have, because the other person needed space. Personally I have trouble dealing with feelings that are left hanging in the air and in fact don't tolerate that in a relationship. This is maybe part of my personal shadow but if I'm willing to talk to about it, then one would hope the other person who acted as a trigger would be willing to help work it out or just be supportive. In my case this didn't happen and I never got any other answer than "it was too much". Suddenly my openness becomes a toxic need for attention. I learn in retrospect that I have expected too much - well... I think that's very relative from person to person. I'm not perfect, yet I do need to try and understand... how do you when you don't get a straight answer? Seems to me all this person wanted was help on his own path, since my kindness was welcome to the extent that it supported this person's understanding of himself. And that's from someone who hated narcissism (which could very well be a sign that he in fact has a shadow side that is narcissistic). Sure I may have misinterpreted... I was also reprimanded because I try and analyze this person. I'm trying to understand this guy but am not getting response, so why should I not try and analyze? There's this thing called a woman's intuition, too... Warning signs come up when you hear word's such as control and reticience plus a bunch of excuses why things have to be a certain way and they have to think about proceeding or not rather than wondering what we can do. Honestly? I think this kind of behaviour is selfish and rude, even though they may be coming out of a person's denied shadow side. Remark that though I was very upset I didn't yell or demean this person. Men alway say yeah yeah they do want to grow - but how often have I actually seen it happen unless it was completely on their terms and thus just a repetition of what they've already decided about themselves?

Considering how much effort I've put into so many bad relationships, courtships, contacts and dates, it's no wonder that the lack of that little extra can make the whole thing fall apart. It seems to me that men and women feel differently about the romantic aspect of a relationship or the expectations that could lead to one in the end, but we sure both need encouragment of some kind to keep going. I can't really explain why this is - maybe there are exceptions but I truly wonder?

One thing I've gained during my emotional break down, however, was the insight that I will continue pursuing uncompromising honesty, absolute truthfulness and authenticity no matter what people say or do to discourage me. And I mean that society supports shallowness, but also that some people discourage you indirectly by simply misunderstanding you and not agreeing to explore these issues on a really deep level. I had a vision of what it could be between two people and how much one could grow from an interaction based in honesty (the kind kind, of course) and true equality, but it didn't materialize. Perhaps it was all my fault - who is to say? I will try and contemplate my strategies, of course. Avoid men who right away think that I am in love with them, and stuff like that... (haha). All I can do is hope that I will find new people who understand and don't shy away because the going gets a little rough. What I do hate are people who promise to be there for you when times are difficult, yet take off as soon as it doesn't suit them. Maybe I'm too hard on people who feel uncomfortable about some issue of mine, but frankly, I've never even heard anyone say that before. People like to project outwards what they have already established about themselves, but when something interferes with their self-image, they run. Intelligent men like to talk about equality, but where is it when truly needed? I see men usually wanting the upper hand. What is true compassion really about anyway?

Artwork: "Bus Door", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved, 2009

Avoiding Spiritual Elitism In Favour of Love

As I was reading the excerpt that accompanied Karen Bishop's latest energy alert I was a little taken a back - this time it was all about how people moving into higher frequencies will want to avoid the lower ones. The rest of the alert did in fact hit home as usual - there are many contradictions at play on the energetic level right now(check it out at

www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm).

Anyhow, I got to thinking about this thing about avoidance. I understand KB's point but I think it could use some elaboration. Very often, people talk about how they don't respond to anger or they don't want to be close to such and such because this person drains them or whatever. It's all very well but this sort of talk sometimes has an aura of snobbism/spiritual elitism about it that I feel quite sad about. Who wants to hear that they are toxic - who wants to feel avoided? Then it occurred to me, that there are two ways in which to react in this manner; there is the high way and the low way. So my suggestion is that we examine the reasons why we feel repelled by certain people or things before lashing out at them. Again there are two options: you may not want to face the shadow issues that a certain person or situation is triggering in you, thus it is a case of denial which will certainly not be buried and forgotten. The other reason is very simply that you cannot relate to the lower energy anymore. Truth to say I find this latter one a bit difficult to fathom as I think that a fully enlightened person would have nothing to fear and would thus not have a need to 'stay away'. On our journey, however, I can understand that such feelings and experiences might occur. I truly believe that these are issues worth considering with great thought since we are supposed to be in this together - yes, TOGETHER!

It seems that there's a gray scale from impersonal to personal that matches our mirroring/learning processes. I am assuming that everything we encounter in the world is a mirror of sorts. So the confusing energies in a mall or massmeeting would be somewhat different thing to deal with than a confrontation with someone on an internet site (more or less semi-personal, for the most part) or the argument with a beloved/close person. Whereas it may be annoying for others to be around someone who's fussy about public energies, I presume it's usually easier to solve than hearing personal accusations about how we 'always' drain so and so because they "have" to read our "negative" comments on a site - yes, someone actually said this to me recently and I wondered, why does this person read my stuff if it "sucks her dry" and how can they throw an unspecific point about "negativity" in my face that is totally meaningless, let alone helpful! It's interesting what people feel they can throw at you on the internet, not having to take responsibility for the consequences. In any case, going up the ladder there are the cases in which people are obliged to deal with us for instance through work, or by encountering us within the family, and these are obviously the more tricky situations that should normally force us to take more responsibility for our actions. I admit when I was writing this blog I was mostly thinking of confrontations that concern other people's feelings.

After all, everyone's point of view is subjective so why go out and make it into an objective truth that would hurt others? I would put grace and discretion at the top of my list though I can't claim to be there myself yet (but I try). Some people just do this avoidance thing out of habit and a mental picture of the situation - I'd say in this case, ego rules. If you do it with a true sense of respect and kindness for those who are less fortunate/wise, juvenile or whatever, you can surely not go wrong... See what I mean? I myself find this thing very difficult to deal with so by no means am I an expert myself. It's not my place to say whether someone's choices are good ones, but my point is that we should try and be really sure of who and what we want to be. I've just noticed that other people's view of myself varies dramatically from person to person. That certainly speaks volumes to me!

I don't really think we can ever bypass the fact that our perception is subjective and so all our explanations are too, nor that everything mirrors our perception in one way or another. This would be the reason we, and only we, can take responsibility for our own perception. Yes? It doesn't mean that nobody else is concerned, of course, but primarily reality comes into being through us, ourselves.

To be accepted for who we are is crucial no matter what stage we are at, then it's another matter altogether whether we feel we can be around that person or not... I myself had to make a change on the relationship arena, I think that besides the general state of the energies, this relationship was contributing to a lot of my anxiety. It was tough because I feel so incredibly sorry for this person, but I had to... It happened just on the day KB said a change would occur for many of us though I didn't know it at that point. So I myself had to make a choice in which I still accept and love a person but I just can't be tied to them.

I see a peril in talking about energies in an elitist way that discounts the struggles some people have either because of the automatic workings of karma or challenges they have taken on in order to better understand humanity. Substitute "high frequencies" with "arian" and you have... you know what. However, I do recoqnize that now is a time to focus on our own well-being so that we can become stronger and better light workers in a world that is in an obvious state of confusion and chaos. All I'm asking is that we consider what our ultimate intentions truly are. Consider this: are all those who speak of oneness and unconditional love truly an example for others to follow?

Is there a point in time when we can really let go of watching ego-issues? It seems to me, that there are always ego-traps and the further we progress, the easier it may be to self-delude in some way, because we think ok, "I am now this and that, I am that I am for sure, so therefore I cannot have an ego-issue" - ah, ever more explanations to resort to! But can we be really sure that we have gained the level or status or whatever of an enlightened person who has no more ego-issues? How can we know our subconscious mind is empty? When are we truly authentic?

I would also like to point out that when we feel superior to another being and not willing to engage in closer contact with them due to their 'toxic' energies, there is always someone more evolved/superior to us who might find US rather undeveloped and naive or something to that effect... (most likely not judgmental though, if they are really far on their spiritual path). It is a very human trait to believe that we (me or a group of like-minded people) are at this moment at the height of evolution - even history can prove that. I also admit that I sometimes catch myself thinking that I can't put up with some "childish BS" (to borrow a line that was delivered to me today), but it is nonetheless not the kind of judgmental person I'd like to be! Besides, there is no way that we can truly determine where we or anyone else is at on their evolutionary chart, we are way too complex for that - and maybe way more complex than we can even imagine. Everything in this universe is surely relative. It is my belief that unconditional love can only exist when these truths have been firmly anchored in our consciousness. Where is your mind at today? ;-)

Post Scriptum: I think that all the varied opinions that my blog provoked already shows that this truly is an issue of a complexity and magnitude that needs attention and deep analysis. We can basically concieve of the idea of taking care of ourselves so as not to get dragged down into lower frequencies fairly easily (something I myself was warned against by an external source, and though I don't know if the source was for real an authority in the field it did make sense - the reason being that I am more of an empath than I actually realized myself). But putting this into practice or living the truth is not that easy. Since many of us are not 'there' yet ('there' a place where there is nothing more to fear, embracing unconditonal love with no more ego traps), we are still prone to judgmental thinking and so if something feels bad there is the instant label of 'toxic' or 'negative' or whatever. This is a subjective perception, of course, but I feel that people don't always remember or realize that. And so they usually also express their dislike. Now it seems innocent enough when it comes to mass gatherings and other chaotic places, but when it comes to people we are in touch with it would surely be a spiritual act to show some heartfelt respect for the level this person is on even if you don't wish to dwell there for long? No one can really know what's going on with someone else, so why assume anything - PLUS make someone feel bad??? Ego is always around somewhere and thus elitism is too. I have heard some horrifying viewpoints at times that sounded downright fascist (such as 'there will be a Darwinian selection of the healthiest and spritually fittest'). And yes, as you're suggesting, ego can also show as an excessive need (note that this is hard to point at objectively though) to reform and act as a missionary. I personally have a tendency to being a martyr though I don't think I'm a missionary - just as an example of various scenarious that I assume we all have.

Artwork: "Encounter Engenders Life", mixed media on paper by author 1998, all rights reserved

Generating Kindness and Generosity In Every Day Life

Easter was a heavy time but after that I found it easier than before to keep a positive attitude on a regular basis. I would run errands in town and notice how cheerful I felt as I was struggling in the chilling wind on my bike on the way back home. I noticed how willing I was to erase bad feelings that had existed between me and people I was forced to be in touch with. For instance, a much dreaded visit to the social service worked out ok as I decided to try and be as open as possible about my issues so that she would have no questions or doubts in her mind... (ok I admit I was using a strategy of war by wearing her out with my ramblings so she couldn't think and only wanted to be rid of me, lol, lol)... after that I've felt more comfortable to turn in my monthly report and know that the bill for my electric heating will be taken care of. Some time ago I was taken by surprise when someone who represents the green card lottery program of the USA called me and talked me into paying for it without telling me that I can also be in it for free. Being Finnish, I am not used the assertive American way of selling things, and so I fell for it... Though I am upset about the commericalism that abounds, I've tried not to regret the 200 € I had to spend on the green card lottery I try and send it some kind of blessing instead...

Somewhere deep inside I have come to feel that the worst is over now and so I can let go of some of the fear I was feeling for many years when I sensed that I had many challenges and learning lessons ahead of me. Whether things will really be easier from now on or whether the difference is in my attitude, is hard to tell. I have learned recently that I am just as much an intuitive empath as I suspected, and it helps to re-establish my sense of self-worth. My past relationship took a great toll on me since my sensitivity was highly criticized. Now I need to re-instate a sense of empowerment and reclaim my right to be a highly sensitive person. I hope that somehow I will be given the tools to bring in more clarity on this issue. As it is, it is still hard for me to tell what is what - when I am worried I am not always sure it is because I sense a real problem or because I am being paranoid due to past conditioning. I so hope that someone or something will help me out of this confusion (unless I come up with the solution by myself, of course, which is what usually happens). I need to somehow be very clear on what to do when the end of summer arrives and I have to decide whether I should leave my apartment for good and how to do it. As it is, right now I have no way of validating the relationship that is calling me to leave my country and settle in America instead. It makes me feel inadequate, although I am really just being realistic and aware that true love needs a growing ground in order to flourish. Opening my heart to someone is not something I take lightly at all. Who knows, maybe what to other human beings may seem like flaws in me really are my strengths and things that I should embrace as valuable assets... I am sure that many are realizing the same these days. It is time to stop trying to fit in and making ourselves smaller than we really are just because of peer pressure from our social environment. Of course I am not advocating some silly ego tripping in which we go out with our 'truths' and impose them on the unsuspecting people out there in the world...

What really happens when we stabilize our sense of self and come to greater clarity about who we really are, is not some kind of vague loss of ego and slavery in the service of the greater forces. I remember how the idea of enlightenment always bothered me while I was into studying transpersonal theories and mysticism back in the '90s. Something just didn't really seem right. Although I embraced Mahayana Buddhism to a very great extent and especially felt kinship with the ideal of the Bodhisattva (Avalokiteshvar or Quan Yin), I just couldn't see myself as someone who would disappear into the Source in order to start all over (in a manner of speaking). What is now being brought out under the umbrella called 'ascension' actually helps me realize that the traditional way of enlightenment is not necessarily the only way of becoming free from the obligation or desire to return to Earth (Samsara). What makes much more sense to me is that I do indeed personify some form of Bodhisattva ideal but that my work on Earth may be finished by the time it is my time to go for good. Ok, I'm saying this because it's something I've felt for a very long time but have not found confirmation about.

What I am trying to say is that a stronger sense of self and Self, i.e. the experience of a greater emergence of both into each other and a more secure feeling about one's life's purpose actually engenders more love, kindness and generosity. This is because the stronger and more empowered you feel as a result of a true integration of life's lessons (as opposed to an inflated ego based on illusions about oneself and one's 'mission'), the less you feel a need to defend yourself. If at the same time you make a conscious effort to encounter your peers and your challenges with a positive frame of mind whenever possible, the more it will become a second nature to you. After all, new tracks have to be created in the brain...

Love is not something one has to force. If one is willing to allow it to grow and blossom in a natural way, then it will. Follow your intuition and create objects that inspire love in you wherever you happen to be. Have a pet (there's nothing like feeling adored due to the good feelings you are instilling in this little creature!). Spend a little on flowers. Try and avoid dwelling on injustice - resolve it as quickly as you can and then get on with your life. Try not to take things personally - most criticism reflects the critic more than you. Try and do things that make you feel creative and accomplished. Find places where you can generate kindness without having to worry about whether people want it or not (I find this part quite tricky, since I often feel that my gifts are not wanted). I have for instance found that photo sharing sites on the internet are good places in which to make other people feel good about themselves. Sit down and browse images you like and give comments. It's a guaranteed kick to make you feel better too. When you feel rejected or ignored by others (which again is a feeling that is very normal in this world and I tend to feel it all the time), try and let go of it in a conscious way. Sometimes you may need to bring your hurting feelings out, but I would suggest that you try not to pressure the other party to respond to them the way you expect them to. I know from experience that this is really hard... But practice makes a master. Some people are willing to do this work with you. You will find that someone who is able to 'take' a little more than others.

There are still a few things people can do even if they don't have any money. In fact I would recommend that we try and forget issues regarding money transactions as much as possible. This is for the simple reason that money is a highly charged subject that can cause a whole series of negative feelings and events like ripples on the surface of the water. When I am being bombarded with the assertive tactics of salespeople I get very cranky and confused, because they may be tempting me to buy something that I really want, yet I feel that their strategies are not morally sound and that maybe I should have no part in it even if the end result might be fun for me. While I am not against the fact that we must sometimes pay for services, I am trying to practice discernment about the ways in which this should happen so that no one involved feels distress about it. This may very well be the reason that I've been poor for a great part of my adult life. I am trying to figure out ways of getting around these moral dilemmas. And sure enough, when I can have some fun for free or for a very reasonable charge, I feel happy! (Ok, I am sad I don't have my own credit card but I am grateful my father trusts me enough to allow me to have one in his name...). But anyway, this joy is sure to spread like ripples as well! So let's forget (metaphorically speaking) about the super packaged goods in the supermarkets and go for the simplicity of an old time country market. Let's also be mindful about the issue of greed. Wouldn't you agree?

Artwork: Digita Abstract Photograph by author, copyright 2008