Friendship in Mid Life: Crisis and Beyond

When I started to write about this particular topic, I quickly found myself stuck, rethinking and rewriting a lot. It can only mean that it's a diffiuclt subject for myself, but I will still try and sort out some main concerns.

In the past, I have talked quite a lot about the interaction between people on internet forums. In general, my experiences have showed me that people easily forget all about good manners when they don't have to deal with you in real life. I too, have made mistakes; I easily open up and pour out all about my inner life and personal challenges, and of course it's going to irritate people or give them an incentive to be helpful in the wrong way. Many people, especially ones who work as healthcare professionals or have recently awoken to the new age spirituality, can be a bit over-eager to help someone they perceive of as needy. Oh how embarrasingly easy to slip into the victim mode even just a tiny little bit! We all do it - well most of us anyway - yet it's one of the hardest things to admit. And people can be very cruel in their dogmatic rigidity.

My inner alarm goes off when I get a sneaking suspicion that they are not particularly in tune with who I am and what I do but more interested in my 'issues'. I have learned valuable lessons in mirroring my own issues and the frustrations I have felt because of the responses from other people, but also about not continuing to project my need to talk to other people about the more personal challenges onto people I have never even met in real life. I have to have a very good feeling in order to go onto that level with anyone online. It's all about gut feeling or intuition - staying mindful is the key. The discernment I learned to exercise was nonetheless conditioning me to a kind of paranoia that carried over to real life - this was an over alertness that needed to calm down.

For a number of years the internet was an important outlet for my social needs, but eventually my real-life situation changed and I was very relieved to leave that stage behind. Blessed were real life people - I no longer took them for granted! I had seen a lot of depressing things, and preferred to continue leading my life knowing much less about other people's shadow sides. I rather turn a blind eye to a lot of it, something which strangely seems easier to do out in the real world as opposed to the confines of the internet. I don't need to deal with other people's neuroses. This is not to say that in a way, other people's neuroses aren't part of you, because in life you see what you need to see in order to learn your lessons of life.

The importance of saying no to all that cannot be over estimated, however. Perhaps it's a sign of maturity, a way of finally establishing healthy boundaries and recognizing you don't need all this mirroring and extreme emotion. Maybe you're just growing old, or even becoming more self-centred and conceited, having decided that people aren't worth your time. Whatever the reason, you do need to learn to filter your experiences in order to be less scattered, overwhelmed, confused and lacking in groundedness. You no longer have quite the strength and stamina to tackle the misery that abounds, whether it be conscious and ostentatiously out there, or subconscious and hidden from direct view. The idealism of youth is dissipating, changing into a more level-headed attitude to life. I never thought of myself as idealistic, but I can now see that I have been that way a bit in the past. The passion and ardour with which I pursued my 'mission' is no longer obvious, and I am yet to find what exactly will replace it. I believe that opening up to an equanimity that will help deal with this in a less pessimistic manner is vital, but I also think that you cannot know to look for this unless you have already experiences what is normally part of becoming middle-aged. It's easy to make excuses and give up in the name of old age; this is not what maturity should really be about.

The scary thing about the fatigue of mid life is that many people probably feel the same. While it was cool to get to know other people when you were young, and chatting was often deeply inspired and intense, it almost grinds to a halt when you reach middle age. It's rare to find a kindred spirit who also has time to spend chatting away. In general, striking up real friendship becomes slower and more arduous, because no one wants to get hurt and rejected again, nor do they wish to spend their limited resources on people outside of their family or work. People with some intelligence remember and imagine all the things that go wrong between people, and hesitate to take yet another risk. While I feel tired myself, and for good reasons, I also wish to counteract some of this tendency, as it can lead to complacency and unwillingness to embrace different ways of thinking and living life - you can lose the ability to listen to others. Self-acceptance mirrors the acceptance of others. It's a ping-pong effect, as more acceptance of others probably fosters more self-acceptance, and vice versa. It's complex and in this area, self-sabotage happens very easily. Very often people start competing to reject each other first. It's important however, not to dwell on who's to blame, especially be careful about simplistic new agey concepts such as self-rejection which hardly helps anyone in the facing of their blocks.

There is a spiritual viewpoint, which suggests that anything you react to outside of yourself is really only tickling your own repressed shadow issues. In other words, no one is 'doing' anything to you, but you are experiencing an emotional response because you have a problem. If you feel that people reject you, maybe you have a subconscious tendency to reject others. This tendency might show itself as defensive mannerism and jugmental attitudes. Maybe you're not as open and friendly as you thought you were. You might say, that it's the people in this particular place where you find yourself who are unfriendly and dismissive. Yet, there are all sorts of personal reasons of karma that took you to this place and made you attract the experiences that you find offensive. You can trace the whole line of cause and effect backwards in time - well, in reality it spreads out like a great net of causal events, in all directions. There is no point in trying to understand all that this entails; it's too complicated and most of it is imbedded in the unconscious anyway. It can be overwhelming and depressing. Beat yourself up for the repeated failure to learn your lessons and you have the start up of the darkest of depressions! What you need to do is locate the repressed feeling and liberate it; yes, it's easier said than done, but it's a vital part of our development as humans.

While I subscribe to this spiritual viewpoint, I do find it somewhat polarised and therefore a bit problematic. There are also collective energies and tendencies tied to certain times and places. While all this is no doubt intricately connected to you and your place in the whole so that you can live and learn lessons of unimaginable scope, there are probably also collective issues that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. In general these are things you don't feel attracted to or get entangled in. I'd therefore like to propose a slightly less polarised view, a paradox that encompasses a subjective and objective stance within one and the same framework, suggesting a less sollipsistic and claustrophobic atmosphere of 'me, me and more me'.

War or a natural catastrophy is something that goes on somewhere in the world but it may not concern you directly. However, as all the energetic movements on our planet and in our cosmos are so complicated, we are still likely to get affected by them in some ways. For instance, there may be very important cosmic changes going on but it's not necessarily easy to establish where your place in the grand scheme really is. I feel that this can sometimes make creative, sensitive people more withdrawn, and so it will reflect on my own social life. Or maybe it's as simple as your husband's ex feeling jealousy... how much of that has anything to do with you? You can see what your feeling response is and then walk away. It's up to us how we respond; this can always be made into a lesson of sorts. It's never really wasted, is it?

In the case of friendship I would thus conclude that you may have to look at a lot of unpleasant shadows in other people that don't have anything much to do with you, but you may still react to them. If you're a highly sensitive person (as defined by Elaine Aron), you are most certainly reacting to all sorts of things that are worrysome. Not only do you realize how little people actually care, how preoccupied they are with their own lives, and how limited their understanding of other people's problems really is... you end up sharing much less, as you know that many subjects are beyond authentic sharing. Wishful thinking is no longer part of your mental vocabulary. You have become so very complex (as opposed to just complicated), so people who really understand where you're coming from are rare and far between. Ironically, the oldest friends are often the most loyal even when you don't have a whole lot in common. Familiarity takes on a new meaning, providing a sense of much needed security. You're tired of being exhausted from feeling that you're giving more than you're receiving, thereby limiting your entanglement with anything that doesn't happen with directness and spontaneity. I try and act on spontaneity, even if it makes me feel pushy at times, but my Nordic shyness often gets the best of me. Insert some more bladibla... In any case it's hard to say whether the chicken comes before the egg. Ideally, you would give unconditionally, not expecting anything back. Yes we all know that, but how to put it into practice?

You do need to stop and revise your attitudes, with candid honesty about the issues that are keeping you from embracing others lovingly, while opening yourself to change. Hand on heart; how many of us are that filled up with surplus energy and unconcerned by past conditioning and trauma? For most of us, there is still work to be done not only to become more authentic, but also to open up more to our spiritual intelligence. As you clean out your subconscious mind of issues, you start seeing things more for what they really are. Even friendship itself may need to be redefined, for instance to encompass a more accepting attitude to the coming and going of people in our lives or more differences. I know that for myself, a problem is giving out a lot of energy to form relationships, and then seeing people disappear from my life. I believe the answer is to accept the ephemereal nature of all aspects of life, but also become a better conduit of energy so that you do not replete yourself. Or; you may find that it is better at this time to stand back and conserve energy by not scattering it about. It is your mindful choice.

When I got married, I was deeply disappointed with the lack of attention from people who I expected something from because I considered them my or my husband's friends. The wounds are deep, but at some point I had to just realize that most people have a lot of dark shadow stuff embedded in their subconscious minds, and that breaking the contact because of this was not always such a good idea. A lot of dark stuff is out in the open these days - this is a good thing. Making these decisions was very heavy, and I still feel hurt. I know I'm dealing with something on the inside that is escaping my mindful eye, because it's comfortable being the way it is. The mind can trick itself into seeing only what it wants to see, and even though I always thought of myself as being particularly observant of the workings of my own mind, something is obviously escaping me. It will be interesting to see what emerges, as it is already about to be exposed.

The question is, should we expect to do shadow work with our friends? Well, recently I have been despairing because it seemed to me that I had become so transparent and 'touchy' that the only way to relate to anyone was by opening up and dealing with disappointments and frustrations. It would require quite a motivated friend - again, I think that age brings about a sense that friendship shouldn't be yet another burden, and so it's not so easy to get to this point. I'm not sure friendship should be difficult, maybe it should really be an oasis, but sometimes we are so full of things to work out that it's the only way of getting anywhere. We may also be afraid of losing our friends by putting demands on them, and will thus hold back. Some restraint is probably necessary, as we need people in our lives and need to make informed decisions about how much to tolerate and how much to ask the other person to tolerate in return. Even the most motivated shadow worker probably has misgivings in this respect.

In practice, regarding friendship, you have to ask yourself, if someone doesn't cause you continuous stress then you should probably try and honour the years of friendship that the both of you have invested in it, and try and forget some of the hurt. I don't know how you stop expecting anything from people without closing off your heart, but I think it is definitely possible. The ongoing process is why making friends still seems like a big challenge and a source of pessimism or disenchantment, and I know I'm not alone in this. Like me, more and more people have challenges of a lasting kind that needs acceptance rather than overcoming (i.e. chronic illness), but the environment is not ready to accept deviance of any sort. Something still requires healing so that the heart ceases to be so vulnerable. A strong heart is capable of great compassion. Human beings are overwhelmed by life and few have a solid basis to stand on. Balance in give and take heals the ego self, whereas a lack of concern about giving unconditionally is part of a greater spiritual process. These are possible to attain, albeit amongst the most difficult tasks in life.

Nonetheless, many good things have come out of the internet.

Save Yourself!

One rather predominant experience in my personal life this year has been that of opening up to various people only to get shunned and rejected. I've tried to carry this phenomenon graciously and see what it has to teach me. Oh, I'm not going to claim that my heart is not bleeding, but one has to get on with life and keep the flame of hope alive. One thing I discovered was that despite my independent allure and desire to be free from the dependency of other people, a part of me was secretely wishing that someone would "save" me just a little. That's because, on the one hand I miss company and on the other, I am at the end of my rope concerning a lot of my life's issues. I am cornered in many ways and need to break free, but have not found a door as yet.

This is just a quick outline of some fundamental spiritual issues, but I hope it still makes some sense. The idea of needing to be saved is very potent in our world. If you take a look at Christianity, one of the main dogmas is the idea that Christ is your saviour. As I see it, it's just a big misunderstanding supported by religious authorities who wished to gain more power over lay people. If one were to understand Christ's talk about being the way towards liberation in a more symbolic way, the dualistic concept of Christ and God being somehow separated from the rest of humanity might disappear. Our reality appears dualistic, and our minds are programmed to think in terms of contrasts and comparisons in order to make sense of it. However, it's not impossible to transcend this habit and start to embrace contradictions. If you practice by sometimes not choosing camps but looking at things from opposite perspectives as well, you will probably find that they are also true. If truth is fundamentally speaking relative, then the idea of a basic (ontological) state of ONENESS also looks more plausible. My point is, Christ is not going to save you, but you will save yourself through your own "Christ consciousness", the aspect of yourself that is in touch with the things that Christ represented. I'm sorry if anyone finds this blasphemeous, but this is how I and many others see it.

Notice how the movie industry dwells on the concept of people saving each other. The most obvious scenario is the one in which people are in a tough spot but are then being saved by someone who enters their life, offering love and sometimes also material comfort. I recently saw "Nights in Rodante" with Diane Lane and Richard Gere, and at the end Diane even says that the two of them saved each other through their love. All this looks great on the outside, but consider the fact that by allowing someone to save you you're giving away your power! In fact, you put yourself at the mercy of other people when you entertain this sort of fantasy!

I personally don't have a problem with the understanding of paradoxes as a key to a broader and deeper understanding of reality, but I also realize that in a paradoxical sort of way you can't just eliminate the mind's functions. For instance, being judgmental ("this is good, that is bad") is a way of making sense of reality and creating interesting and fruitful thoughts. Thoughts can be dull and automatic, or they can be creative. The creative ones bring us further on our path and help us develop as human beings. Either way, these processes are always based in judgment. You might also notice, that if you start judging your judgmental thoughts, they will only become more persistant. So in the end all we can do is find an accepting and maybe even loving attitude towards this state of affairs. It's true that the solution to our fundamental problems of the mind may not be found through the mind itself, however creative thinking is a fantastic tool on the road to self-discovery, discernment and a deep sense of self-satisfaction!

In my own process, I'm trying to lay out all the ways in which I've felt rejected in my life. It turns out to be quite a persistant pattern that even includes the feeling of being rejected by this country (I'm a social reject). Going back a couple of generations in order to see what pattern has been inherited from the past, it's clear that my mother was never granted a feeling of being welcomed to the world and given all the love and material comforts that she deserved. The important thing here is that she was at the mercy of other people who did not grant her the things that they should and could have given her so that she would have grown up to be a strong and succesful individual. I remember having very distinct feelings of anger at being at my mother's mercy when I was a child. From that time onward the pattern has perpetuated itself. I'm always at the mercy of someone else's benevolence. This is a truly chilling discovery!

Because the feeling of being dependent on others is so forceful, it's natural that it turns into a secret wish to be saved in some way or another. This is the fallacy that I wish people would wake up to. I'm not sure how to fix this state of affairs, but taking back one's power seems crucial. It can be a very difficult and complex process if you're entangled in various constellations that tie you down and prevent you from just getting up and leaving. But as always, there has to be a way!

I realize my challenge is a very deep and crucial one and I have reason to believe that I will eventually figure it out. Profound issues don't necessarily disappear in the blink of an eye; they often take time to be resolved. That is, it seems like a long time from our perspective, but in relation to the rest of existance (from a higher perspective, so to speak) it's not a long time at all.
Meanwhile, there's a great deal of emotional turmoil inside. Many feelings I've made great efforts to transmute and have felt partly succesful in doing so. Because I have had to learn about emotions very late in life, it's been all the more intense. Though at times I can see that things have advanced, all the experiences of being rejected and feeling suppressed by people I involuntarily have to depend on have caused a great deal of anxiety. I'm afraid I might be getting asthma because I can't breathe properly. I also have increasing problems eating and my stomach is quite upset. I hope and believe all this will go away eventually but I truly don't see a way of speeding up the process (the sensations are very compelling). I have only so much capacity to deal with things.

Another aspect of the rejection theme is that we may not be on the same level of spiritual maturity as people that we approach or that initially feel attracted to us. I do realize, that those who have not been willing to join me in my life right now were not of the same frequency as myself and might never have been able to "catch up". Of course, I approached them because I liked them and felt something for them (I opened my heart at least partly), but despite their good hearts there were major discrepancies on the level of spiritual and psychological insight. I'm not saying they may not have been more accomplished than myself as well, but my experience has been that of trying to lower my expectations of others. My complexity, depth and ability to use my own brain has then scared people away. I also have had trouble feeling trust so maybe I don't appear so accessible. I no longer want to settle for half-hearted relationships that don't feel satisfying, and so the signals I'm sending out might be daunting. I keep wishing that they'd give me a chance, while I'm not sure I am able to give them a chance (in other words, a catch 22 that shows how futile looking for love on the outside really is)!

The sense of not being able to occupy the same space as others has increased. At the same time I'm not quite ready yet to sit there on my own with a sense of "deep self-satisfaction" and send out unconditional love to everyone. In any case, other people's example may not be mine at all. I read Karen Bishop's latest newsletter (granted, I have trouble reading as I need new glasses and that has posed some more challenges in my life right now). I was quite baffled at what she says - according to her, the cream of the spiritual "elite" will ascend inspite of the fact that other human beings have not been able to raise their energy levels as expected (I could have told her it might be impossible, haha...). She's the only channeller or spiritual counsellor that has aroused some of my curiousity, so I've followed her postings about the global mindshift. However, I wonder who she's really writing for, because surely the people who are way evolved and ready to "ascend" don't really need her information? So... people on "the lower rungs" are obivously not reading her stuff and that leaves us with people in the middle. Those who are feeling jitterish and anxious right now just like myself. But are they eligable for the "new space" she's talking about? I feel like I'm really dangling somewhere inbetween, very willing indeed to move forward but not sure I'm supposed to be among the cream at the top (my soul may have other plans for me, so to speak). I feel reasonably patient with my own process and don't have an agenda in mind. Still... not knowing what to expect is quite nerve wrecking. Not knowing what to believe when you read such data is bad as well!

The point is, however, to remove oneself from the sphere of other people's power and authority. Even some innocent looking spiritual writings can be very compelling and cause more insecurity about who one is or is supposed to be. If you read things such as the newsletter I mentioned then you may be giving your power away. Well, even reading this may give your power away. But then I'm really hoping to inspire people to think for themselves. There is no need to believe everything I say! I may be saying that only you can save yourself, but it's really only my opinion.

Artwork: "Who will get the Rose?", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Rejection/Resistance - How it can Mirror some Life Issues

I feel an urge to write about rejection. This I want to do mainly because I have been battling with an endless succession of rejections for about 9 months, and I think others battle with these issues as well at this time in our collective evolution. Sharing sometimes help to resolve the energetic knots we're carrying. I am thinking that rejection is similar to resistance. Be aware that this is a very small part of a much more extensive story. I have become a tad wary of exposing myself as there are people who like nothing better than to put you down. That sort of rejection can make you stronger once you've reclaimed your power and realized that the other person has an issue, not you. If you're the one who has done wrong it's a lesson to be learned. This is only part of the story though. There's always more beneath. There is an obvious truth in the idea that we attract what we either possess or lack. It's kind of common sense really. Now the sad thing about the life of so many is that they have been conditioned to believe and feel certain things that are not true about themselves. Going back to your childhood usually gives you ideas as to what the issues are and you might be able to resolve them. However, people who are a little complicated because they chose to come here in the name of altruism may have a harder time uncovering the deeper layers of pathology.

One of my collages is called "Me, Myself and I" (see above) and depicts the feeling of division. I'm not speaking of a split self or common schizophrenia, or anything like that. I'm speaking of a more profound feeling of being two "entities" (Self vs self) in one corporeal form - something which is obviously hard to describe in words.

Now what is really going on is that I am aware of myself as a powerful soul, one that has willingly limited itself in order to learn about humanity and maybe do some good here too. Note that the figure drawn by myself as a child is Pippi Longstockings, the superchild (in the middle). As someone kindly alerted me to the idea that stories we liked as a child may hold meaning throughout our lives, this is certainly one example. The other story I especially liked was Pelle the Cat Without a Tail. Pelle was obviously the cat that stood out as being different, because he had a handicap. He was also the nice guy who was always teased. As so happens I have that sort of tail myself, though it only became obvious when I was much older (about ten). In the collage the black strips on the back of the ladies represent just that. It is a handicap that has embarrassed the hell out of me all of my life. I can never feel safe that a guy will accept me for who I am in a society that is so focused on external beauty. I know that any other reason could be just as valid but in my case it's the lack of a "tail".

In other words, there's plenty of rejection in the air; two incidents that I am in the process of getting over (you may attract stuff but damn people can be so daft at times as well so no excuses please! I have been hurt and angry and rightly so). I also see other people rejecting things such as ugliness or the mundane world, and it makes me think of my own relation to these. For instance lacking a tail can be perceived of as ugly and make a me seem like a lesse person. However, all this has to mirror something about myself so the trick is to figure out what exactly. One thing that is true about myself is that I am not apt to rejecting the world in any extreme terms, instead I have tried too hard to fit into it. In this pursuit the inner strength is obviously in the way, since it tends to intimidate people. Being a person who is always in a process or another this, on top of everything else, is probably also an impossible feat since you can't fit in a steady niche if you're in transition. Nonetheless... it all boils down to my rejection of my entire human existance. When you can't beat the enemy, you join them... now that sounds fine and dandy except that in this case it causes a whole lot of frustration and anger. It's not so much a matter of you hating yourself versus loving yourself, it's that your loneliness and "difference" makes you crave for human interaction and connection in the wrong places. Because you're not happy with the circumstances you were born with you seek acceptance as if it was a matter of life and death. This dichotomy could perpetuate itself for aeons... While you know you're wasting your time and deserve better company than people who are not on your own wavelength, you have managed to convince yourself that it's all you can have. More perfect people would obviously not want someone who doesn't have a tail... It's really a Catch22 in the end.

It seems that the task at hand is superimposing (not juxtaposing!) your true inner Self with the external, temporary self that was created only for this incarnation. Revering only one or the other is equally detrimental. The adage "love yourself" bears no meaning whatsoever unless you realize that you're dealing with two sides of a coin. To accept the life that you went ahead and accepted when you incarnated (albeit with some karma involved for most of us) becomes the real issue, and the hardest one to accept if you're not content with it. I am not content with mine and have thus always resisted it. It turned out harder than I think I anticipated. All I see is pain and suffering though in reality it's a feat that I'm even still alive and in much better shape than most people would be who had a similar issue of a lacking tail. It's no wonder, the discomfort is always there and will always be there.

This is not a story of victim-hood but one of victory. I have never thought of myself as a victim in the normal sense of the word, and I always knew mine would have to be a story of victory if I was ever to really help other human beings. Yet accepting a fact of life that is so limiting and embarrassing in the face of all the "normal" people out there is incredibly challenging. I still don't know how it's done. I do realize though that this is the real deal, and once the key is found the lock will be unlocked.


Artwork: "Me, Myself and I", handmade collage 2008 by author, all rights reserved

The Perils of Trusting A Channeller

I have to admit that right now I'm not on top of things. Some incidents relating to people I trusted that all occurred almost at the same time shook me up so much that I am having real trouble rising above them. Where do I go from now? I admit: I feel so lost, so abandoned, so clueless... This I have thought many times and will say it out loud: beware of other people's channellings. (A channeller is someone who transmits messages from the spirit realm). Exercise the utmost discernment when you allow someone else the authority to tell you truths about your life and future. It doesn't mean that everything that comes through is false, only that each person is a subjective filter. Here is the greatest reason for my present state of distress - and I feel a need to be quite open about it although it is a vastly complex subject. I hope it will make sense:

I met a woman online on another continent who channelled messages and started to pass some onto me - she said she felt nudged to do so and called to help me, and without asking money for her favours. I was very grateful for this since I don't seem to be able to get advice anywhere else. I mean, who would deny the need of some illumination? The messages seemed encouraging and earnest, yet all in all they were somewhat confusing (possibly because the channeller was distracted at times). I found this person charming, as well, and was very happy to have a friendship with her. It seemed I had found a real life soul sister! Our connection on a soul level was indeed in the center of our conversations, and something I was a bit reluctant to accept right off the bat, but what could I do? I felt I just had to take her and her messengers' word for it. However, when I started to talk about the difficulty in being dependent on her help, she suddenly turned her back on me. She complained that her talent tends to get in the way of friendship, and thought that I was only out to get information about how to lead my life. Although I don't deny that the messages were welcome, I didn't expect her to become my personal provider of advice. I just wanted some clarity as to the few issues that had been brought to our attention. Of course I was interested in her friendship, why would I not have been? I felt that it was hard to give it 100 % credit before we had a chance to meet in real life, yet I was starting to count on it and plan my life accordingly. She was, for instance, offering to help me create an ambulatory exhibition of my artwork in the United States.

It is still a mystery to me, what exactly happened and if I did something terribly wrong. It seems to me (but of course I can't be sure) that this person was hoping that I would become needy of her assistance, while on some other level she resented having to write this stuff for me. I have reasons to believe that this might be a pattern in this person's life, though I guess I will never know for sure. I confess there is something I tend to do subconsciously in relation to others: I know from experience that when I have doubts, I tend to provoke people to show me their true intentions. In other words, I push buttons. It's not that I necessarily poke around, I just tend to bring out my feelings quite strongly and very often they are not in line with the other person's expectations. This is why I often end up being cut off quite brutally from other people. Is what I am doing wrong? Well, I don't really think so - it's just not the thing to do among human beings. Most people are not prepared to look at their shadow selves. I know that something of the kind is coming to the surface when people's behaviour towards me changes very radically from nice to mean. I can only assume that my gutfeeling is directing me to expose the truth. Whether I would be doing this if I had not had a dysfunctional childhood where my authenticity was questioned during a sensitive age when I felt very awkward about myself and how to act is hard to say... I think I probably would, because I do seem to be dedicated to honesty all around (though there's no denying that my childhood experiences set a snowball rolling). I usually try and allow space for some talk about the issue in question but most of the time, people don't wish to acknowledge that they may have a side to them that is not quite so agreeable. I did try and suggest to the person in question that maybe we both pushed each others' buttons, but she would have none of it. The tone in the last letter was cold and calculating, and referred to the idea of possible money transactions between us. As soon as people start to talk business within the frames of a friendship, I back out.

I have no idea how much of herself this person put in the messages. All this left me very confused and sad beyond words. The last thing she said was, 'the guides say that from now on they will talk directly to you'. Well, needless to say my life only changed for the worse and I am not recieving any advice as how to cope and what to believe. I would at least like to know if I did do something wrong! It saddens me that this one time that I had decided to trust a person, I ended up abandoned so quickly. Was I tested and meant to become ever more resilient?

This incident took me by great surprise since I opened up to this person more than I normally do, and I thought some fog in my life would finally be dispelled. At the moment, I simply don't know how to rise above this. I've had friends abandon me in the past but it never hurt like this. It's possible that there was a true connection there that surpasses the mundane level we are residing on right now. On the other hand it was like the last drop; I have enough of people who so easily promise to stand by me (which she assured me a couple of times prior to disappearing) and who then just walk away without an apology and making me look like I am the one (the only one!) who is to blame. Most of the time people who are in a constellation are both responsible for their part in both the positive and the negative things that go on between them.

I am trying to be self-reliant and yank up my self-confidence. I decided that I rather bet that the guides are real and are trying to help me, than become a bitter sceptic because of some human dysfunction. However, it is very hard for me to accept that I have no way of communicating with my guides at this point in time, and since I am forced to be very isolated anyway, this is a tough issue to deal with. This will call for even more patience and persistence (as if there had not been plenty of that already!). I think the worst thing is that it seemed as if the guides really wanted for her and I to share and support each other.

Now was there any subordinate meaning to this incident? Was this a harsh reminder that I can rely on and trust myself only? I really thought I was doing well enough, but I admit that I fell for the temptation of hearing the messages out. In recent years I've been open to advice in the hope of enriching my viewpoints. However I've resisted asking psychics as what to do with my life, as I had a very bad experience some 10 years ago. This time the messages were just offered to me, "just like that", for free, and seemingly making a lot of sense. They also made me cry when I felt there was a lot of kindness behind the words. Was I wrong in accepting it? I believed myself to be a discerning person but this really took me by surprise. I know all channellers have their subjective filter, so I was trying to be careful, yet it was pretty stressful as I couldn't ask directly what something meant, but had to wait for the right occasion.

Now I don't mean to sound as if I am out to put a blame on everyone else. I'm sure this person thinks of me as having treated her unkindly - maybe in her mind I was ungrateful, jealous of her abilities, callous, or just plain toxic..? Don't you just hate the feeling of being the one that needs to be avoided because of some negative traits that you might be guilty of if you think really long and hard about it?! Well... we all have hissy fits sometimes (I tend to get them when I feel cornered) but surely everything can be talked through and sorted out, in an atmosphere of mutual respect. Surely that's the mature way that helps both parties continue their lives with a sense of closure? However there has to be that little mutual 'spark' or something, a vibe, that tells you it will pay off to open up and apologize. When it's not there and you find yourself talking to a wall it can bog you down immensely. It's ironic, because people that were pointed out in the messages as bogging me down with worries that prevent me from soaring higher have not made me feel even half as bad as this person did!

In order not to be too judgmental and narrow minded, I am trying to contain what I thought was good or reasonable information through the messages, and forget the rest. This in my opinion is the way of true positive thinking. But my heart is bleeding!


Artwork: "Who Cares?", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008