My New Website And A Few Things About Stress

I quit the horrible drugs that made me even more unfocused than normal, fat, lethargic, painfully hungry, and emotionally and cognitively numb - and we're speaking pretty common medecines, Remeron and Neurontin. It freaks me out to imagine having to be truly dependent on these for one's quality of life. In my case, I was feeling pretty down but I am not clinically depressed, and partly I was given these also to help me sleep since I suffer from insomnia. This didn't work very well since I didn't feel that sleepy in the evening/night but slept away the whole day instead! Since I quit, I've been dieting to lose all the weight I gained and have been feeling very energetic. It's a sad misconception that benzos that are given for insomnia are always a bad alternative. In my case they allow me to actually function in the daytime. I also have had no problem tapering off or switching to other stuff when the tolerance level has gone too high. The latter is in fact the only drawback so far. Oh well, life is indeed complicated when it comes to such issues! I'm mentioning all this because many get so darn patronized by the so-called medical expertise, and it can be very tricky to deal with their opinions and prescriptions. I knew a woman once who said that her doctor would never even prescripe sleeping aid. Gee! I would be dead now if I hadn't had them, since my condition prevents me from falling asleep with ease and to have really restful, deep sleep. Some medicines are such low status stuff because the medical issue isn't considered serious enough - for instance insomnia. Many doctors scorn at it and state that it's idiopatic - self inflicted, even though a person who cannot sleep could die from it. Instead, there are high status conditions such as cancer where no one would question the use of very toxic medicines. It's also a fact that most people don't become addicted to anything - at least 70 % get out of some "phase" of addiction all by themselves when they are done with it. Anyway, it's all screwed up as I'm sure many are aware!

I'm really a high energy person and I am at my happiest when I can be that way and really enjoy doing the creative things that I'm good at during normal circumstances. It could be that I am just having an energetic and more hopeful phase right now - who hasn't heard of artists being a little bipolar in some nonclinical way? The trouble is that I tend to get too wound up and simply cannot turn off my nervous system. This over-activity of my nervous system is part of my condition and to date I have not seen a drug that would address this particular issue. I may not have fibromyalgia in the classical sense, yet the symptoms are similar. Those who know about this condition thus know what it's like to have such poor quality sleep and get very soar and achy from work by the computer. OF COURSE mediation is a great remedy, however when the world turns too fast it can be impossible to sit down. It's a bit like having ADHD, in fact.

So, some positive stress that lasts a little while is good for us and as an artist I have to say that I have a hard time creating anything unless I have this kind of stress going. But what to do when I cannot turn it off? This happened to me recently as I started to work on a new website. Although I'm using a cheap template, the stuff I wanted to fill it with took me a good three days of intense work during which I was sleeping more and more poorly. Check it out though, I think it's not bad! http://www.vivimaricarpelan.com/.

Things are starting to flow with more ease despite a few setbacks regarding people I've relied on who are lavish with promises they don't keep. Maybe it was just as well that I was resting for a while thanks to the weird drugs. Now I really have to be creative since I got a commission to custom make a piece of art for national radio's website, and found out a lot of things about my actual social rights to gain a small amount of money. The radio documentary I am in has helped me find out the truth about a lot of social injustice and that the crap that I've had to endure was indeed unfair. This is such a relief since I now feel that I can do something small to improve my life situation and it will be legal with a little help from the social ombudsman. The stuff I've endured is indeed crazy, but it will be in my book. One would think that this is hillbilly country. I never expected it to be.

There's also the promise of the collaboration with a company in London... I hope it works out as it sounds very exciting. I will also have a photo exhibition in a photo gallery in January, it's demanding but not too bad since the gallery takes care of a whole lot of issues and it's all for free! So let's hope that the good vibes continue, for me and for other people as well. I've heard rumours that the collective energies are improving.

Artwork: The Beauty of Expression, handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Zen Or Anger?

My previous blog stirred some unfortunate havoc at another place where I posted it, but it also inspired thoughts on anger. I do hope people who read it realized it was partly an old blog that I wanted to find a home for, and so I got the idea of joining it with thoughts I had yesterday. However, the issue of anger is an important one and while the adrenaline is still flowing, lol, I thought to post a few of my thoughts. It's not comprehensive by any means and I will probably get all sorts of answers that throw me, but here it is anyway...:

Sometimes things just build up in our lives and they are out of your control and so you feel anger or frustration. It's normal, if not even necessary. Especially for women it's important to recognize their anger so that they don't end up feeling victimized. Being softer and more empathic than men, we are probably more prone to this 'condition'. I think being zen-like is often a false attitude. I feel that many spiritually attuned people adopt this attitude because it's cool and they feel in control, but it doesn't feel real to me at all. It's a way of the powergames, of patronizing and trying to make you submissive. To TRULY reach such a state you have to be very accomplished indeed. Usually the 'fake' type of zen-like people (the hypocrites) are know alls and will do anything to prove other people wrong with their sheer attitude of superiority. They may be good at manipulation, subtle techniques of rulership. Then there are people who are angry all the time. This is the A-type and they obviously have a problem. Note that I do not agree that we should be angry all the time, it's hardly constructive to anyone. Then there are the ones that are angry for a good reason, when it seems appropriate in relation to the situation at hand. Think for instance of the 'holy anger' of Jesus.

There's a forever ongoing discussion of whether we should act out the anger we feel or not. Most research seems to indicate that if we don't, we'll have psychosomatic troubles and risk becoming ever more bitter people later in life (look at some old women who had a disappointing life but had to be quiet because the husband willed it). The best thing is to try and find a safe way of acting it out but of course it's in the nature of anger to be very impulsive. I believe men should contain some of it, of course, but to remove it altogether as in some kind of lobotomy would be to remove a part of our defense system. It's of course good to try and take the compassionate stand, however I find that it usually comes afterwards... Unfortunately. They also say that it's better for couples to vent their frustration every once in a while. A partnership without any arguments tends to be a dead one. Not always, but often.

I don't really feel ashamed of my anger, it's a natural and sound reaction and it makes me act and not just accept all sorts of crap in a submissive way. That to me is being a spiritual warrior. But as I said, right action at the right time. I too make mistakes of course, get angry about things when it wasn't really necessary. Anger to me just shows how deeply something affects me. In some way it helps me feel whole, and AS a whole. The trick is to get out of it quickly and really reflect on the purpose of the confrontation or reaction. Again I don't like confrontation. But anger makes me more audacious. And to tell you the truth, sometimes there's a certain satisfaction in having the audacity to tell someone off. On the other hand the argument often doesn't stop there. So sometimes the best thing would be to just let it go (which I do to sometimes), when you know it's not going to lead anywhere. So basically it's a question of discernment. We do have to sometimes let someone think they have the upper hand or we'll never be rid of them!

A friend of mine just said that she has noticed that raising your voice in anger sometimes is the only way of getting people to shut up and respect you - think of a school class, for instance. Sweet talk hardly ever works unless you have some magical charisma that stunns everyone, lol... I am sorry I have been very upfront about certain types that I see around me but then I think I have a gift/curse of seeing through many an act in this world, and it is not funny. Unfortunately I have a condition that makes it very hard for me to wind down once I've been provoked. It takes great efforts of trying to calm myself consciously, but it may still pop back up again very soon after, due to the mental overload. Of course I hope that gradually we'll have worked out all our issues, found a good mental attitude, and can live in peace. By that time we are hardly truly human anymore. Until then...?

Artwork: "Who Will Get The Rose?", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Dealing With The Anxiety Of Releasing Our Old Life

It is strangely quiet all around. I suppose many are ruminating, contemplating, reflecting... and that is wonderful. Now if ever is a good time to ponder our set beliefs and question our conditioning. It is also a time that brings feelings of distress to the surface. I am sure that many of us feel embarrassed about it! Shouldn't we be stepping up the ladder already and not wollop about all sorts of things that are not even any of our own business... However, Karen Bishop explains it quite eloquently. We must not meddle with other people's paths but allow them to find their own inner stability and realization. This to me is a very painful process, as I have always felt a great need to assist and guide as much as I humanly can. Now I have to step back and watch all the misery that surround me without interfering. I think that what I feel is an anxiety based in compasssion on the one hand and disappointment of having to let go of things that didn't work out on the other. It is strange that the more you let go, the harder it seems to become, because the uncertainty and emptiness becomes ever more obvious. And then the waiting... the knowledge that there is nothing one can do but wait. Meanwhile all sorts of thoughts and feelings pass by and one must be vigilant not to allow them to hook up within you so that you get more bogged down than necessary. Still things of the past suddenly show up and shake you in a way that it never did back THEN! All I can say is that increased awareness of one's own emotional life enhances the sense of vulnerability, however without the benefit of being able to see the bigger picture yet.

For a while I was getting verification that all my secret intuitions of this life were indeed signs of insight and knowledge and not haphazard. Things that I suspected but had no way of confirming are now coming true. However, now, most of the time, it's all just quiet... in an almost spooky, ominous way. Occassionally there are some new things coming in, information that is totally unexpected. Many of us are wallowing in a sea of uncertainty, where many basic things are really hard to deal with. Even staying put as Karen Bishop suggests is hard, because it enhances the feeling of waiting and the impatience that follows thereupon. I do feel very strongly that allowing things to be without the urge to control one's life with too much assertion is very important right now. This she has been suggesting as well, and I wholeheartedly agree. I feel guilty to feel anxious of all this emptiness and the need of holding back on things that I feel tempted to affect in one direction or another. But I think there is nothing else we can do at this time. I thought I knew about all this already but apparently the sense of urgency and energetic infiltration is ever more present and causing ever more inner pressure! There is not much to hold onto and this we must accept! The new cannot enter unless we stop seeking ways of releasing our anxiety instead of releasing our old life!

All I can say is... be careful what you wish for, and what you think of yourself... I hope this artwork brings some thoughts to mind. It's called "Who Will Get The Rose?" (collage on paper 2008, all rights reserved).

Who is truly pure at heart?

I Fell In A Money Trap - Or Did I?

This time I wish to share with others the current, very stressful configurations regarding money issues. I signed up for one of the 'teasers' that people who run businesses offer online, this time it was the numerological analysis of my name and birth date. I received the same numbers as years ago when someone did this for me as a friend's favor. What comes up is a rather conflicting configuration where on the one hand I am highly concerned with ethical issues over materialistic ones, and have a tendency to sacrifice everything for a a cause related to social injustice, yet at the same time my heart's desire is to feel an abundance of love and signs of wealth flowing in my life. Though the latter has not manifested in very obvious ways, I can recognize this wish as some kind of undercurrent in my life and attitude about reality... I do manifest it in terms of beauty, but there's a counterforce connected to my anti-materialistic stance... Eh, I'm as contradictory as ever...

Now what I am really getting at is the way that greediness and a belief in 'lack' is ruling the world of today. Remember, I live in Finland and am not used to aggressive sales techniques at all. However, almost every day now I receive offers to change my telephone line for a cheaper one or special offers on magazine subscriptions and the like, and the tone of voice and approach is more assertive than ever before. I made a vow not to make contracts on the phone after I had some trouble with one regarding the internet connection that I made last year. Although everything turned out ok in the end, I was stressed about it for months.

One day I finally fell right into a trap, though. I was obviously feeling overly optimistic and confident that good things will be coming my way, since this is one of the messages that keeps coming to me in various ways. Although it is correct that we should have faith and a positive outlook in order to attract a better future, it is in reality very hard to keep a proper balance with the feet well on the ground. We must of course also be aware, that this is a time of extreme economic upheaval on a global level, and therefore the collective desperation of people who wish to have a better life at whatever cost is also greater than ever before. This results in all sorts of aggressive attacks on the individual to pay for this, pay for that... prizes are forever soaring and the poor are getting poorer due to all the psychological pressure. Capitalism is reaching its farthest extreme. I have to admit I that find that all the talk of opening up to abundance can sometimes cause more confusion, and maybe even mess with one's personal intuition and discernment. Again, I am not saying that it is all wrong. Yes, we do need to remove the sense of lack that most of us seem to be carrying deep inside. However, this is not going to happen just through wishful thinking and by succumbing to all the great 'offers' that are out there in the world (whether they be a promise of better health, economy or status). Unfortunately, most people who are concerned with the making of money will have very little concern of an altruistic kind.

So... I am relatively naive when it comes to the aggressive nature of many salespeople. Where I come from, this has not been such a blatant problem until very recently. My culture supports freedom of choice and most of all, people don't like to be pushy. In America, on the other hand, selling is an art all its own. And so when I was called up yesterday and offered an opportunity to take part in the green card lottery for the USA if I paid so and so much, I succumbed. How could I be so stupid as to agree to all this ON THE PHONE??? Well, one thing is that other people's money problems have been in the air to an extent that I feel completely suffocated by them, and I've started to be careless about my own financial assets. The collective is obviously also experiencing big issues on this level and all this is pressing hard on the individual's psyche. All the talk about needing to be open to abundance also undermined some of my normal caution (though some of it is of course for the better). I also misunderstood the service I was given and somehow thought that I am paying for something that would come up later anyway if I move to the USA. This is connected to the fact that it is very hard to figure out exactly how you can enter the country legally. I also did not know that there is a lottery that is free of charge, as this was never pointed out to me during the intense and skillfully managed conversation. Thus... I fell for the flattering and encouraging words that were offered me. After a sleepless night with an enormous knot in my stomach I tried to cancel the deal, because in reality I might literally have to starve if I am to pay off this money from my credit card for the next few months.

I prayed that they would agree to cancel this transaction. I know from my American companion how hard cooked and harsh people who deal with your money can be...

So my message to those interested is to encourage the use of our commonsense during these times of upheaval. The act of balance is precarious. We need to be open and hopeful, but not gullible and naive. Nor should we succumb to greed while mistaking the quest for abundance for a chase for money. Keep in mind that abundance means many things, not only money in the bank. And it is a mindset more than anything else. At least for now...

The lady in question finally called, and bombarded me as expected with arguments to support their cause and make me look like an idiot for not having simply hung up the phone if I didn't understand what was going on, if the conversation was too fast for me or I knew I couldn't pay for their service. I said that what they told me was not a lie, but that they also did not tell me the whole truth (e.g. that there is another option that is free of charge). 'Well you obviously wanted this very much or otherwise you would not have paid for it right away!', she argued. I couldn't help starting to sob as I tried to appeal to her human side: "Yes, that is the problem, I wanted it very much, too much so, and therefore I couldn't think clearly about the money situation'. Apparently trying to appeal to someone's human side in a situation like this is not conducive to any changes...

It is of course a proven fact that high levels of stress hormones in the blood cause the brain to work less efficiently, and assumptions are succumbed to where clear thinking should be in charge. All I could see at the time they called me up the first time was opportunity and a feeling of excitement (I never thought this could happen to me!). Maybe it was for a reason, who knows. I certainly got to see some human behavioral patterns at work here... Because she realized that I had truly misunderstood the idea of paying more for special treatment (usually VIP equals being treated as a 'very important person' thus having advantages that others don't), she finally agreed to refund a part of my money. I think she realized I had a hook on her since they were using a term that was false in the current context. My companion was urging me to threaten with filing complaints etc. Ok, so I am too soft and don't want to argue 'too' much. I guess sometimes in life we have to be happy that we can at least reach a compromise. I have to accept all this as another lesson in life and hope that something good does come out of it. Luckily, I received understanding and support from my near ones. Financially speaking the incident could have been much worse, and what I am now having to pay is not a catastrophy of mega proportions. It's bad enough but I will try and stay hopeful that things work out. Maybe the lesson was worth its investment.

Artwork: "The Precarious Art Of Balance - On a Knive's Edge" handmade collage by author, copyright 2008