Life Starts When You Start Loving It

It's of course a common misconception that problems disappear when you find someone who loves you. We think that the acceptance of another will patch us up. In reality, the acceptance of another does help soothe the bruises and may help us grow. It's nonetheless my experience, that it's only when I enter a relationship that the real work begins. In between I've felt that I've been on hold in many ways. But the older I get, the more stuff there is to dig out, deconstruct and let go of. Apart from that, I don't really enjoy solitude very much. Even though I can be creative on my own, I find the lack of regular day-to-day interaction with another being quite deadening. It undermines my belief in myself and does nothing to strengthen my sense of self. 

Yes, we can have what we want in life, but the point is really being aware of what we truly need in order to feel fulfilled and be able to evolve as human beings. At least we should get our priorities straight without resorting to stupid idealism; having love and better health is surely more important than money, but the money can come in quite handy and help us enjoy ourselves more. I find, that things progress is some mysteriously natural order, and I should not have doubts about this and try and force things in a headstrong sort of way. It's my belief  that if you know yourself deeply, you will know what you need in your life at any given time and you will strive towards it, but you will also realize that life is inherently intelligent and therefore more capable of working things out for you than the little you are. Reach into yourself and feel what you need, then have an intention, but let go of the outcome.  Life does give us what we need. You could call it the manifestation of your own desires, it really doesn't make a difference in a deeper sense if we postulate that we are one with life. However, we reside in a dualist space and so I prefer to choose my words carefully.

Anyhow - some of what we need is the dull stuff, the challenges that we have to work through in order to get to a better place. Some of what we need is wonderful, joyful stuff that makes life worth living. Some stuff we do for the sake of others; some stuff is for ourselves. Each aspect of  life's "gifts" are equally important. Most of the time we only have an incling as to what we need and want in life, but there is no way we can imagine the full scope of the gifts of life as they usually stretch far beyond our imagination. Still, given our trust and faith, life can provide with a whole array of things that are truly good and useful for us. Just give it time... sometimes we do have to wait until the time is right.

Having doubts about your self-worth or the ability to attract good things in life is not really a problem. Just try and keep in mind that they are natural but do not need to define your life. I know this sounds a bit trite, but try and also believe, that miracles do occur. Sometimes, as I guess most of us realize when we really think about it, they are so small you hardly notice they are just that. The only answer is as far as I can se to be conscious and aware, notice everything that's going on and look at life with fresh eyes. There's always something to be amazed at. Why not just start with the assumption that life itself is pretty amazing... put the horrors aside; it's still a vast and complex piece of utter ingenuity.

So... I persisted in my pursuit of certain things, and they arrived. After a number of very dreary, lonely and very stressful years in a small town where social autorities are petty and doctors incompetent, I am finally on my way towards a place where I always dreamed of living. And what is truly amazing is, that the exact destination looks a lot better than what I had thought I might have to settle for. I have even been lucky enough to impart some hope to a few people around me, because my life started to change against all the odds. If as a result of my persistance, good things come to me, whatever other people really wish for can come to them as well. In my case, I did eventually find my better half - and the whole process has been a marvel. Someone did find me here in the middle of the dark forest, and has not left me since. I have met my equal, and it's a man! We are living the conscious relationship. Some of the process has been effortless and it's obvious that there's flow when things are working out in a positive direction. In some other ways, there have been a great deal of trouble. The body and mind that is used to a life of struggles is having a hard time adapting to the idea of a more pleasurable life (this manifests in the body as various pains, it seems). We also have to find ways of managing my chronic illness. It will still take time to adapt and find a way of keeping a vulnerable heart really open. In order to be open towards others, it needs to be open towards life itself. So the universe and I still have some dues to settle.

Artwork: Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2009

Discernement When Communicating With Others

There's a point where communication stops being interactive. I can't say exactly where it is, but I seem to feel when it has been reached. It's not so much about asking questions, as I don't think that's always necessary. You can simply feel if the other person is responding to your rants even if they do it indirectly. What happens fairly often in my life is that there's a sense of sharing at first that quickly turns into some form of preaching. I feel that the other person didn't hear me correctly and that their response is about what they want to proclaim rather than feeling what I was trying to get across. I think a good conversation is based in agreement or an attempt at understanding the other person. If not, then there's no point in going on.

I can be quite opiniated and strong in my views but I don't think that I'm unyielding as long as there's a note of sympathy. I have usually attempted to hold back until there's a kind of silent agreement that one can advice the other in a direct manner. This usually happens after you know each other rather well already and know that what is being said is not part of a power game. On the other hand, power games are subtle and based in a deliberate attempt to confuse the other person into thinking like them.

I recently talked to someone who was telling me a lot of rather obvious spiritual "truths" as if I was a child... when I questioned their motifs they told me that I was on a path of trying to find someone to blame and that they didn't want to continue talking to me. They knew I tend to uncover people's less agreeable sides rather easily and so they used that against me, as my motif and goal. I had to swallow hard. Was I seeing things that were not there? Or was I being true to myself? Nobody can tell me that! I do know that I had an uncanny premonition that this would occur because the person in question started to insinuate that sometimes it's best to just let people go if they don't fit into the beliefsystem that this person was professing to. I also wondered how in comparison everyone else was shallow and wrong in their approach... How people are either spiritual or not... no grey scale allowed in this case. It was also a bit strange that these people were proudly presenting themselves as not charging anything for their healing yet asked me to look for someone in my vicinity who would give me some for very little since I can't afford it. Yeah right. I started to feel that this person was in fact looking for disciples and since they all had to be women and have certain beliefs it was a bit doubtful to me. The signs of a dominant mind were definitely there, as my opinions mattered little to this person. Of course in their opinion, they were not asking me to believe anything whatsoever. Well, that's easy to say, isn't it.

There's a certain pattern that some smart men follow when they want something from you, the woman. What they want is of course either sex or your soul. First they share their hardships to awaken your sympathies. Then they come onto you about your nice qualities. Then they start to tell you what to do and what to think. Remember that all this may occur in a very subtle manner. All I can say is, better be safe than sorry. If something doesn't feel quite right, then it probably isn't. It is never easy to say no and turn away, but it's unfortunately something a woman has to do quite often in today's world. I have realized that few men will be nice and polite when they end the conversation with you, so I don't see why you would have to be. I know more often than not women prefer to be nice but it rarely pays off. Getting all wound up and angry isn't going to work out either. Better show one's maturity, even if it's only towards oneself! All this being said, I've noticed men complaining about women too so I think that more and more women are asserting themselves out there and not always in very nice ways.

I take things to heart so easily, and so human communication is quite difficult and complicated from my point of view. On the other hand I try and watch and learn and hope that if I have made a mistake, I will be made aware of it in a manner that leaves no room for doubt. My goodness, what if I'm stuck in some terrible pattern that is truly detrimental to me as a human being? Yet unsolicited advice is no longer welcome... It's a very confusing world out there and we do need to look after our well being. On the other hand I don't agree with those who never want to risk getting hurt again. In my opinion, life is about risks and chances. Whatever hurts will pass. No pain, no gain. Would you rather sit alone in the same place for years or go out and gather experiences? I know that truly growing as a person isn't very popular and most do take the safe routes. No matter how much I suffer I rather not go only for the safe cards though. For instance, if someone truly wanted to discuss a communication problem with me I think I would still be willing to give of my time, though I have also become aware that it's not always advisable. But that's just me. All in all discernment is a tough topic. Whether you're right or wrong, people are hiding a lot of things and often have an agenda. All you really have is your gutfeeling.

Artwork: "Noli Me Tangere", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008