True Equality!

My energies at this stage in my life are preoccupied elsewhere, and I have not felt much inclination towards keeping this blog going. I am sure I will come back to it later when my life has settled but am apologizing for some delay... I am now in the midst of turmoil in that I'm moving countries and getting married. My previous entry was probably a bit soppy and I don't want to go on sounding insipid or trite! My focus has changed and I'm not sure how it will translate into more philosphical musings.

I recalled having written some things on equality in the past. I was in a lot of despair at the time because of the whole dating game that I experienced as so trying and depressing. I will pick out some central viewpoints  and comment on them from my present perspective, which has shifted since I met my fiancée. I hope to take the discussion even further in the future as this is a very exciting subject matter.

"I come from a country where men and women had to work side by side in a rather equal fashion in order to survive the harsh climate. At least that's how equality in our country is usually being explained. Note that Finland is among the few countries that has a female president"

While this is true, it has also been clear to me that equality in Scandinavia has been taken to an extreme or to be more exact; is at this point in time it's ruled by certain arid, set concepts rather than true, feeling-based respect towards our differences as men and women. I found while dating that men in this part of the world had a tendency to either dismiss any form of gallantry towards the woman or even complained that they should have the same rights as women! This was to me a rhetorical reply rather than a genuine response from one human to another.

I saw a documentary by a Finnish guy that brought out the fact that gender studies at the University still refuse to acknowledge that there are any significant differencies between the ways men and women function. He demonstrated through his empirical research that men solve problems by setting up hierarchies and competitive situations while women prefer to negotiate on a basis of equality. While this to me seems self-evident (and more or less the message in the popular Venus and Mars - books) it was baffling to learn that authorities still wish to ignore this. It was also suggested that women have trouble asking for a higher salary and feeling worthy of it. I can certainly relate to this, though in other areas of life. Being a female go-getter is probably less common than finding an assertive male, though at the same time we mustn't forget that exceptions usually confirm the rules.  

In my present relationship, we have acknowledged all gender differences from the very start and treated them as objective facts that we can joke about. It doesn't mean we don't take them seriously too, but only in relation to our need to fit together and work as a team. Many of our strengths and weaknesses are tied to our personalities or our physical condition, but a great number of them are also evidently tied to our gender. We are exploring these and trying to find a way of complementing each other that is genuine and respectful. I am very lucky to have met someone who is motivated to do this and doesn't hold his own activities or products as so sacred that they cannot be shared with another. His intelligence is such that he is able to grasp the higher meaning of teamwork within a relationship.

As an example, we curated an exhibition together and found that we were able to do a very good job as long as we did it rapidly without concerns of the ego. We have found that as soon as there is a sense of threat or accusation in one way or another, things go awry. (Luckily we aren't stubbornly holding onto matters of principle, which can be an efficient way of killing a relationship). I tend to make undue assumptions about the way men "always do things" because of bad past experience and he gets very upset when he feels accused of things he haven't done and isn't about to do. I am also the one moving to a different country and so I am quite overwhelmed by the prospect of fitting in and accepting all that is his. So far, we've mostly lived on my territory with my things. I can easily feel threatened as I have visions of how I want to lead my life, decorate my home, and so on. It's easy in these instances to forget about all the things we actually agree on and focus more on the differencies - especially if one doesn't quite understand what drives and motivateds the other. On the other hand, by testing these things and communicating them we are learning. I should also add, that I realized I have to stand up for myself more in order not to be treated in sexist ways by a society that easily sees the man as the leader - in our relationship, we are equal artistically speaking as well and I noticed that people didn't quite grasp the idea that we might be able to work as a team.

"I don't deny that my way of expressing myself can be perceived as strong by some people, but I am by no means a bully. I am not trying to get the upper hand, only have equal rights with everyone else. I am tender and giving but won't waste my efforts on anyone who only wants to reinforce their ego. I can't afford wasting my precious energy, as I don't have that much of it (at least for the time being). The fact that men have complained about the strong will of mine tells me that they have not been very strongwilled individuals themselves"

Well, I see myself as a bit of a paradox, as I have strong tendencies of nurturing but also refuse to be treated with disrespect or made into a doormat. I get very upset when I don't feel understood. But of course, to a great extent this has occurred in my life because not very many people have been able to relate to me on a deeper level. It takes a very intuitive and empathic man with a whole other set of values that aren't quite the norm to grasp what I'm about. It seems that I am indeed appreciated for the reasons I want to be appreciated, and that is for all the reasons by which I am different from most other people. I also need to add though, that my partner has no hang ups whatsoever about social roles and is also able to see my feminine essence rather than the way I represent womanhood within the framework of society. This applies to how I feel about my partner as well.The latter is a sense of the complementary qualities of yin and yang that is our basic working theory.

"One thing that I've noticed in my own life is that men want to be in charge of how a relationship develops. It starts with them deciding when to write or call, how to meet, and where to develop the contact. This to me is extremely stressful because for one thing I find it unacceptable and unfair, and on the other hand it wears on my over-stressed nervous system. I easily break down like I did the other day if I have to put up with a state of not knowing what the deal is"

I have found, that I actually want a man to be in charge a lot of the time but only if he truly respects me. Only now do I feel respected and also valued for the things that I am able to do, and so I have trust. I also have trust because I feel that my partner executes projects more or less the way I would too, and so there is seldom any conflict of interests. This helps me mellow out and allow him to take care of many things that are difficult for me. Of course, some people have to learn about compromise in some big way, but to me too many differences would detract from what I consider important. The things I know he's better at taking care of than me are especially things of a practical or physical nature, as well as technical issues. I am not physically equipped for many things. When it comes to technical problems I have realized that it comes more naturally to men to deal with those, and though women can certainly learn how to tackle them, it's often not worth all the trouble. I suppose I in return give him what he feels he needs, as this he tells me very often!

"I wish that men would realize how emotional women can sometimes be without it meaning half as much as they think. Secondly, I wish they would realize that their actions cause us to fret and ruminate for ages afterwards. Women spend an enormous amount of time trying to understand men, but when do they ever care to understand us? In other words; how can we ever reach true equality if one part of the population is not interested in investing any efforts into truly understanding the other part? This leads me to the core of my thinking, which is that rather than choosing sides and thinking in terms of either-or the way we are used to, we should really try and embrace both-and. So even though I'm a bit sad and nervous about the way men so easily dismiss me as "difficult" I still hope to give each individual the benefit of doubt. But my refusal to be submissive is probably going to cost me a lot of things that belong to a normal life on Earth"

I think it takes a bit for a man to realize that women often over-react. However, if they are willing to find a way of approaching us that doesn't appear patronizing, it can work out just fine. An intelligent man will see the meaningfulness in developing this kind of understanding and may even see it as a spiritual quest. I am lucky in that my partner is interested in how people function psychologically speaking and so there is always plenty to talk about. I always knew, that I would not be able to live with someone who didn't meet me in this area of life. I think that this form of curiousity defines a higher level of intelligence, but then I am biased, of course!

We do sometimes argue because neither of us wishes to be a doormat. We do, however, think that there are ways around it. First, we must realize that neither is ever going to be submissive and accept this as a fact. Then, it's a question of trusting the other not to be manipulative. I can see the temptation to manipulate another but am trying to catch myself every time. I also know that he's able to detect any such behaviour as a result of past experience and an analytical mind. It takes time to get to a place of true trust. This leads to the feeling of being respected and from this, more confidence and less fear of being put down in any way follows naturally. It takes effort, because you must always keep the other person in mind. You don't make important decisions without consulting with your partner. You try and remember the ways in which your partner complements your weaknesses and allow them to fill up that space for you. You treat your relationship as a kind of business relationship that extends indefinitely outwards in all the directions, in ways in which you can express love towards the other. At its best, it can encompass all of life's areas and help you evolve towards a greater sense of fulfillment as an individual as well as a couple.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your partner as complementary and in some deeper way as your other half. As always, I'd like to finish with a statement about the importance of seeing paradoxes as an expression of the greater truth about reality. I believe, that we can be whole unto ourselves as well as whole within a relationship. In other words, you can be a whole and a half at the same time. If you sense any truth whatsoever in this, I challenge you to think of ways in which this is possible! I believe this is for each and every one of us to find out for themselves. I would suggest, that this is the secret of the sort of equality this world will see more of in the future.

Artwork: "Swan Play" digital photography, copyrighted by author 2010. All rights reserved.

Honouring Negative Experiences and the Realness of the Illusion

In order that what I'm saying in this post would make sense, one needs to know what I mean by illusion versus reality. You need to postulate, that ultimately human beings are not just limited physical beings, but limitless beings of love. Limited existance here on Earth would thus be a sort of illusion. A lot of people tend to dismiss experience on this level as "only illusion", however. I rather promote a paradox which allows for this reality to hold a quality of "reality" as well. Really what I mean is that they are two sides of the same coin. I can't go into that in detail now since I have other things in mind, but this is the starting point.

Most people really want to live in lala-land. Which is perfectly understandable, since no one wants to suffer. While poverty and misery may help some in understanding deeper truths about life, it's not a virtue and really causes more negativity in the world. The well-to-do don't always realize it just as they don't realize a lot of things that compromises their comfort in the present moment, but their reluctance to take action to help change things will eventually creep up on them. Well, in many countries the rich are already living in their highly protected residences and the nature of the problem is pretty obvious to the onlooker, however in the Nordic countries this scenario hasn't quite hit home yet.

The smorgasbord kind of religion or spirituality that the New Age is, is particularly attractive to the Western middle class. The reasons are surely obvious; these people have the luxury to sit and ponder the meaning of their individual success on all levels of life and have the means to do research in order to find the particular tailored spiritual brand that suits them the best. They have the money to participate in all kinds of specialized workshops and seminars. Because their lives are already reasonably affluent, they can imagine a sort of paradise on Earth rather than in the after life. There's nothing wrong with all this, but we need to keep Maslow's hierarchy of needs in mind. There are plenty of people who don't have access to this sort of spirituality. They are stuck in the kind that is offered by their particular environment and limited to spending only a minimal amount of time and energy to pondering the deeper meaning of their belief system. They usually also don't have the education to understand the value of questioning social and/or religious authorities. I'm only saying this because it's easy to forget the 90% of the population who are really poor and unpriviliged. If you don't belong to this group, you tend not to want to know about it, because it's a threat to a sense of security that may nontheless not have much basis in reality. I'm not saying that there aren't some New Agey sort of people who have a real grip on things and also find a sense of security in an honest and true relationship with the "higher dimensions" or Source or whatever you wish to call it. However, I'm not so sure there are that many. Most people are really just enclosed in their safeguarded residences where they can share their visions as well as illusions with likeminded people.

Who am I to make this sort of judgment call? Well, one reason is that there have been very few people who have been able to make a real difference in my own life. I've had to find out the hard way that most people around really are very "middle class" regardless whether they are ordinary agnostics-or-atheist-or-passive Christians or "consciously spiritual"-or-New Age-or-Buddhist - these are the groups that I've been in touch with personally so I won't venture to talk about people with other forms of belief systems. It means that in general they love the comfy clichés and stereotypes that they can resort to in order to make it seem as if life is under control. Of course, clichés exist because there's a hint of truth in them, albeit they have frozen into a mold that is applied on all and sundry. These people love handing out advice about other people's attitudes, because that way they feel that they are under no obligation to actually do anything concrete. Whether people like to preach about a subjective form of spirituality according to which people have only their own bad attitude to blame for their misery or whether they just like to blame others in general, the burden of other people's suffering is always pushed away from themselves. They don't want to get their hands dirty so by talking about "attitude" rather than real life problems, they can live with the illusion that they are doing something good in the world. Of course, not all people are only doing this, some actually do also act on occasion. But in that case it's mostly for money. Few want to risk their sense of physical security.

What I'm describing here is really quite a nice life, and it allows for plenty of theories that continue to keep the illusions going. For instance, people love Tolle's "Power of Now". While what he presents are old viewpoints that have been said many times before, it's really quite a comfortable attitude that can lull you into believing that no concrete action needs to be taken. And I also wonder how to tell this attitude apart from the hedonistic attitude about living the here and now without concern for consequences? While I can sense the difference, I wonder if everyone can. Self-help authors usually become popular only if they offer a confirmation that a comfortable life style really is quite okay and you don't really need to sacrifice any of it for other people. So where does it leave us? Well, people may be finding personal fulfillment but how long does it last? If people were really present in the Now they wouldn't look to 2012 for changes, but act on the problems that exist right now. Again I'm sure there are people who understand all this, I'm just worried about the others... and I'm also concerned that narcissism is getting the better of people.

In reality, not many are there for other people. Even mother Theresa is said to have been a fake. It's amazing how many people buy into the myth about her without questioning whether it's true or not. So you only have yourself in the end. I know, it sounds like a cliché. But what I want to say is that the image people have of the sole survivor and the strong individual who survives all of life's adversities like a true hero is bullshit. People just don't want to look at misery and acknowledge that not all endings are happy endings. If they did, the illusion about their own comfort would be challenged. Now I personally don't want to watch movies that have unhappy endings, it really is distressing. So I understand this tendency in human beings. Problems arise when denial is on all the time and people can't really tell fiction from reality. Of course, the more overwhelming misery in the world is getting, the more people will want to be in denial. All this is normal but problematic nonetheless. One does wonder if this particular nightmare will ever end?

What is the cure for this state of affairs? Some would say "ascension" and I can't really rebuke that in any way. I just think it's a bit funny that some wait for divine intervention while they cross their hands. Whatever the case may be, it seems to me there really is only one way of really getting in touch with reality, and that is learning about life the hard way. As a spiritual person, you may think that you understand the deeper issues of life and understand that this 3D reality is not "reality" but an illusion, however only when they get so painful and tormenting that you can absolutely not doubt their realness, then you actually learn something. Understanding that life without love is an illusion is one thing, but seeing that its opposite is every bit as real is in my opinion to have a real understanding of things. As I have always pleaded, it's about paradoxes. You can't sit in your residence like an armchair philosopher and understand what life is really about by thinking about it only. It just doesn't work. Of course love is important, but I see it more as a complement rather than a cure-all (strategy and action "male style" is every bit as valid in this reality as the exchange of positive vibes "female style"). So even if you know that what you're going through is an illusion (and really you're bloody fortunate if you do), if it doesn't feel absolutely real all the same you are not "getting it". When I realized this I understood why all my negative feelings are valid. They are the simple result of the fact that one's life's struggle appears so very freaking real that one feesl like killing oneself (not saying I will but only that the deeper into the "illusion" you go, the more it hurts and the more you want out of it at any price). You get that close to self-destruction not because you are living a negative illusion of life, but because it torments and haunts you more than anything you could ever imagine in an armchair in a comfortable residence or a totally different dimension. Honouring the fact that your spirit has agreed to limit itself so much that this experience has become possible is surely the first step towards a really useful enlightenment. And who knows, many an "enlightened" spirit may be walking around without having any means of proving that they actually are. While we do need to strive towards a happier outlook on life, the experience of many negative feelings may sometimes be a doorway to a deeper understanding of the problems that other people are experiencing. If nothing else, it helps you take action rather than remain a dull preacher. And of course, ultimately an experience is just an experience. What's the use of hell if nobody goes there, eh? ;-)

Artwork: Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2009

When You Have Two Bad Case Scenarios... What Will You Choose?

"Just show him who's the boss, hold him tight and just do it. He'll be sulking for a couple of days but he'll come around eventually". This was my mother's advice. And no, it was not advice regarding a new boyfriend. All I have still are my cats. This was about getting the fur sorted out on one of my kitties, Marius. This kitty, however, is enormous and his poop is almost as big as that of a human being. I finally got to see it the other day when he couldn't be bothered to go out in the cold one day to take a crap. I've noticed that his fur has been getting knottier and knottier but I never wanted to take out the scissors when he came all loving and gooey to spend quality time with me on the sofa. When he sees them, he knows it's going to be nasty. Or at least that's what he believes. And that's enough to make him take off.

Anyway, I lifted him (with difficulty, I might add) from the bed to the sofa and started brushing him. It wasn't long before he started to growl and hiss. I thought to just put up with it and turned him over a few times while he was making sure that I knew that he meant serious business and was soon going to go for my throat. He sounded like a slaughtered pig and my little lady cat Beatrice who normally doesn't care much for the boys came and looked at Marius with great concern. What was going on? She couldn't figure out if I had suddenly gone bullocks and was torturing Marius or if Marius had lost it. Well, let's just say the whole thing wasn't really worth it because Marius looked just as scrubby after some brushing and combing as he did before. I guess it's just the way his winter fur is. He finally had enough, hit me hard with his paw, and managed to slip out of my grip.

After the session, Marius was obviously conflicted. In the night time he came to sleep with me and I took the opportunity to pamper him a little in the hope of forgiveness. He put up with it for a few minutes while staring meanly into thin air, then growled and got up to lie down at my feet. That's when I noticed he was limping. I have no idea if he had something wrong with his paw before the session or if he hurt himself while struggling with me. He has, however, been sulking all day long. I feel terribly distressed about it. The poor guy is a really sensitive fellow who doesn't open up to people that easily. What if I had betrayed his trust for all eternity? I resolved never to put him through this kind of ordeal ever again. I'll just have to try and cut the knotty hair off when he's not looking... Obviously, I rather have a happy cat that looks like a stray cat than one that avoids me out of fear and suspiscion. I've been trying to give him loads of my guilty love and I guess he's coming around, but I really miss his cheerful and trusting allure and hope he won't take too long to forget about all this. Yes, I really, really miss him!

This is what my life is like. I feel such concern in my heart over my only life companions - my cats. Only one other human gets that kind of attention from me and that's my mother, but I have a lot of trouble showing it. Our relationship has changed recently because she's tried very hard to be there for me and has obviously felt that we need to show each other that we care. Of course, she's the one from whom I inherited my issues with showing love. I don't know... lately a lot of feelings have been running amok in my heart. I've been thinking a lot about the guy that I tried to have a relationship with a year ago. A photoshow featuring some of the photos I took on our outings together is coming up soon, and that has naturally triggered a lot of feelings. However, remembering what Christmas and New Year's Eve was like last year in his company also brings to mind how incredibly insensitive he was to my needs. I think that I never wanted to believe that he was as selfish a person as I intuitively felt that he was. He totally upset me almost every day. Back then I thought I was just being intolerant. Now I realize that I did have a reason to suspect his sincerety and sense of realism. I was in a very difficult situation because I thought I must give this a chance and so I didn't want to be a quitter and run away at once. I also felt genuine compassion for his past traumas, and there was a lot of them (too many, I now realize). I also thought that beggars are not choosers. Now I know better... Still I went ahead and checked out a dating site last night.

The dating site claimed to be partly free of charge, but you really don't get much without paying. For instance, you can send messages but they can only be read if you have paid. Gone are the days when there were pretty nice sites that offered free service - at least I got to try out some dating at that time. The method of these guys is to ask you to take a test and determine your personality. I truly hate tests like that. They always give you too few options and in one section they asked you to choose your preference in a case of two bad case scenarios. For instance, which is better; a person who tries desperately to please others or someone who is completely untrustworthy? Brr, sounds like my ex-friend - both options! God, I don't know! Both are terrible options. I tell you, as it continued like that I started to feel as if I was being interrogated by the SS. It was all very stressful. Also, I thought I knew myself and would be able to pinpoint my characteristics. But I'm not at all! I'm trying to console myself by thinking that I must have such an expansive and ever-changing personality that it's impossible to ever squeeze it into a simple test that functions on the concepts of "normality"! The thing is, if I did something a certain way last time I was in a relationship, I probably won't do it the same way again. Come on, we're not robots for heaven's sakes! Or is that what we're supposed to be? Another really embarrassing question is how I would react if I saw the man of my dreams walk towards me on the street. How on earth would I know that?! It has never happened to me... I've never even had a crush on anyone. No, I had better stay away from anything that forces me into a category of sorts. And I certainly need to stay away from places where I risk being hit upon by men who are too "normal" themselves. Those who actually fit into the personality tests.

As for the man of my life, well, if I didn't believe in the workings of destiny and the higher purpose of things, I would surely go mad. I must not be desperate or cynical and rush into another disastrous relationship based on my gullible belief that love comes to me eventually when I allow a man to love me first. I truly hate that we are asked to have patience and put up with so much collective disturbance that isn't even directly related to the self during this time in history, but what choice do we have? We've got to be patient with our own growth as well as the collective evolutionary changes and people in general. It's hard for me to breathe and relax, but I cannot go chasing the rainbows again. God damn it, finding company is not something I should force simply because I cannot deal with the feelings of loneliness, disappoinment and loss. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about... I for one think that out of two bad alternatives I rather choose the one that allows the Universe to take care of my needs.

P.S. Someone just claimed that there are usually not only two options anyway. What do you think?

Artwork: Digital photograph "Marius in My Lap" by author, all rights reserved 2008

When Changing Your Mindset Isn't Enough - Questions Regarding Spiritual Depression

About a year ago a young man went and shot 9 pupils at a high school in Finland. A year later, another man shoots 10 pupils in a high school. I heard about both cases in the Swedish news, where they also reported that there are more firearms per capita than in most other countries. I think the US is worse, and the third country was probably one in the Middle East. This is a very shocking thing considering that we have always lived with a certain sense of security. Because of the low population in Finland, there is a lot of control, and in fact less corruption than in most countries... Am I living in a country of contradictions? I myself never felt particularly at home here, as one of the minority of Swedish speaking people, I don't really relate to Finnish culture very well. To me it's too stark and unyielding. I am proud to be a Finn when I am abroad, as we are honest people who tend to avoid bragging and bullshitting. This is obviously changing though. While the general atmosphere is more laid back and international, there are also the unwanted elements of the infiltration of the Russian mafia (this is a popular throughway for terrorists) and the craziness that comes from a lack of emotional expression, and the long, desolate winters.

I have been feeling down because of some things that don't seem to disappear although I am keeping myself very busy renovating some furniture and planning a dinner (well, I was really too shy to invite people I don't know all that well, but thought it would be a motivating factor as the days are getting darker... and lonelier. I've also been constructing my own website, improving the old ones, trying to find ways of ordering items connected to my art that I can sell and through which I can promote myself - all this is positive except that I am quickly approaching the limit of the credit that was finally granted me thanks to my long relationship with "the" departmentstore in Helsinki (oh yes, it's that screwed up!). I am tired of being poor and feel almost frantically determined to change this state of affairs. I want to move to a happier environment, I want to feel that I am alive, I want to feel freer, I want to... well you know, all the things that make life worth living. At the moment I'm a bit of a zombie, really. Perhaps as a friend said, it's the isolation that does it. The relentless brooding, the sadness over lost relationships that just won't give in... I don't know. I wish I did. And I guess in some cases, keeping your mind busy is not the solution. So don't believe everything people tell you.

Today I replied to Marianne Williamson's article on Myspace about spirituality and depression. She's the one who wrote "A Course In Miracles", which I respect as I have not read it and have no reason to feel adverse to it (well other than that I didn't read it because I didn't personally feel attracted to it). I am obviously a bit irritable due to all the weird crap that came my way from the spiritual sector during the summer, and so all the oohs and aaahs that her article ignited kind of ticked me off. I mean, come on, folks! Wake up! THINK. For yourselves. Seems as spiritual people are either lulling in some slumber where fairys and angels reign, or scheming evil things with the intention of turning the positive evolution into the revolution of the Dark.

Are the lovey dovey ways going to fix the problems that are more than obvious in this world? I am not saying love gets the thumbs down. Only that... there is "reality" too (I mean the one that still stands after you've removed the illusion-part). You can't love a stranger. Or can you? I guess I thought that was granted only the select few, the real Enlightened ones. But... who am I to say? But when people tell me they love me SOOOO much though they don't have the faintest clue who I am, I get a little suspiscious... Is that paranoia? Possibly. Maybe there's something I'm not getting? Uuuh? Of course, I get even more suspiscious when people do the tests to see how their auras look and publish the results for everyone to see... or do some online test to see what kind of earth angel they might be. Hey, are those any better than magazine tests? You know, the ones people laugh about during coffee breaks? I did one about the auracolour and had a very hard time deciding which boxes to tick. Maybe something is wrong with me? I thought I knew myself really well - after all I've been the main object of my own studies for most of my life... but perhaps I'm too intent on being honest and then I just get... stuck. I did the other one about angels and I just barely made it to "starperson". Then I waited to see if that affected me somehow. Well, truth to say, I was a little more impressed when Archangel Michael talked to me and told me about my origin. IF it was him, of course. But one can always hope.

Ok, here it is: I have studied mysticism and esoterics for nearly 20 years. I think I know a thing or two about the truths the ancients knew already, as well as new findings regarding quantum physics and how it relates to our very basic ability to create (and co-create this reality). I also know about the New Age because I wrote a thesis about it. Admittedly, this movement has changed a bit since, but has it really? I mean, Ken Wilber who does after all have the mind of a genius was very much into the evolution thing. You know, the evolution of consciousness. And when people are talking about the ascension, well is it really a different issue altogether? Hard to say, isn't it? People go all crazy over the Mayan calendar, since 2012 has been marked as a turning point. Truth to say I rather try and manage my day to day life as best I can than get engrossed in all that. It's just too much. I've had so much of all that already. Now I need to live.

Anway, I did write a comment to Williamson, with all my respect for the work she has done, of course. My question is, can we really always fix our mindset and make everything ok? I'll add my response here:

"I'd like to present a slightly different point of view. Not that I disagree with you or that I think I have all the answers. It's just that I used to be very good at monitoring myself when I was sad, I would cry for a while and then go out and spend time in the big bookstore and maybe in its café. That's when I was living in the big city. Maybe the humdrum was distracting me or I was in a more disciplined mode. I suffered a major burn out after this though and it has taken me years to slow down. I'm one of those who have a stressed out nervous system. I moved to a searesort and live alone with my cats in the forest. I thought this would calm me down. In fact I could feel my feelings more acutely and more thoughts more loudly. I tried everything; taking grieving time off to cry about my lost relationships and cats that died under very sad circumstances. I tried to force myself to rest but my stress level was so great I couldn't meditate. Slowly, it got better. But some basic sense of disappointment is holding me in its grip. I've done 30 pieces of artwork this summer which is more than I used to do in year. I am working a lot online (I'm disabled) to promote myself. I am trying to divert attention from any negative thoughts that many so-called spiritual people are prompt to point out. Ok, so I try and ignore my thoughts and only "indulge" in them when I need to write about injustice (well, someone has to, and I do feel it's my purpose). I tried communicating with spiritual people but I was hurt by very many of them, and I promise that I am not exaggerating. The exaggeration is maybe in the fact that I am having trouble letting it go. I have decided to try once more and get out of the social trap I'm in, so I am not totally without a vision for the future. Am I depressed? I finally got a psychatrist who is trying to find out. However, a serotonin boost is seldom the solution, and the extensive use of drugs is only in the interest of drug companies. Like someone said, if you feel happy when you have a reason to be and sad when you also have a reason to be, you're actually healthy. So what are we to do? How are we to get out of the sense of disappointment and desillusionment? I don't know the answer. And believe me: I have been thinking about all this a LOOOOONG time. Btw I understand the "Russian" thing (referring to Marianne's genetic heritage), yes, I am Finnish and so I am not far removed from that either. But that is hardly the ultimate answer. So what is? Truly? With respect, Vivi-Mari Carpelan"

So what is really wrong? Why does a person want so much to "ascend", that is rise into a higher sphere of consciousness, but fails so miserably in creating the reality everyone is talking about? I suspect that one part of the melancholy that lingers somewhere behind all the things that keep me busy, is a disappointment that I tried to fit in with the spiritual people but got only trouble, and that maybe the trouble was a sign that I was forcing it. I have given it a chance - indeed, I spent more time on one of the spiritual sites than I've spent in any other community outside of the socially accepted instititutions. And here I am, claiming defeat. I just cannot force myself to join in with the happy chorus of oohs and aahs and I love yous. On top of everything, I have seen (or believe I have seen) that this is a very American phenomenon. I can hardly keep count on all the people who gave me promises of one kind or another and failed to deliver whatever it was. Well, one promised me a web site but I got tired of waiting (my question, which was not assertive, was met with a defensive explanation about business), and so I created my own through a server (http://www.vivimaricarpelan.vpweb.co.uk/).

It seemed to me while watching all these people who are a majority on the internet, and also in real life through the friend I visited last winter, that promises are given as symbol of optimism, since without it you're dead meat. And if you do want to make it in a highly competitive society, you need to show up a cheery facade and kiss ass, be it real or not. I have thought some about it and it seems that my culture is the opposite in many ways. But in both of them people carry guns and shoot innocent students who are only trying to get themselves an education.

Afterthoughts:

While contemplating these issues today, I thought to add a few of my thoughts. One is, as someone pointed out, that many people today are probably going through a lot of changes and so one needs to try and be compassion about the occasional slip of the ego. I do believe this to be true though it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better at the moment nor help me deal with certain upsetting situations. It's interesting that I read the second article about spiritual depression within a short time span, and I certainly liked Marianne's much better as she was talking out of her own experience. The first one was the one that got me into trouble and that I mentioned in my last blog. Anyway, I do not really feel that I understand what has been said in these articles. To me, it tells me something that people feel a need to use a new term such as "spiritual depression". Now it obviously means, that people are spiritually aware yet depressed at the same time. For some reason that is unclear to me, they want to join these together. Perhaps it's what I have, only I've called it "existential anxiety" or another bout of the real "dark night of the soul" (see previous blog). I don't really feel very connected to "Source" or whatever you want to call the creative force, and it bothers me. I feel guilty about it.

Now feeling guilty of being depressed is certainly a sign of the times. Although it's starting to become a dinner table subject as more and more people confess to popping the happy pill, it's still something you rather not mention as you know that people will shun you. Especially if you don't pop the happy pill! The woman who channelled messages to me in the summer implied at the end in a rather manipulative voice that I "must be highly depressed"; it sums it all up; doesn't it - it's the easy and rather superior answer when you want to get away from someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

Yet as the links below will show, you may suffer from a longing of "the light" or our basic nature, and thus life as we know it may feel hollow. On the other hand it's not very clear to me how you remedy this state of affairs if you're dysthymic enough or mentally and physically fatigued (for instance suffering a burn out which is becoming more and more common these days) since simply "telling yourself you're beautiful in front of the mirror and smiling at the image every morning" may not be an option at the time. Very likely you also suffer guilt from not being able to pull yourself together. It's amazing how many poeple still think it's a matter of getting a grip or scooping the crap underneath the carpet. Also don't forget the power of hopelessness. One example would be that of disabled people who get no support to keep them busy and motivated, and they also cannot gain a few bucks because they are dependent on the social service. This is because the basic pension is too low.

There are many kinds of depression, that is true. Make sure you don't fall into the category of "people who are a bit sad and need medication". Make sure that you deal with your issues in daylight and hope that it will help you have a good night's sleep. If that doesn't help, it may be that you're suffering from dysthymia, which is a mild but chronic depression that is hard to fix. It could have deep existential origins - perhaps something that nothing really can cure until you decide to accpet life as such (this is hard for many), and of course it can stem from unresolved issues from your childhood. Don't immediately assume that it's just a matter of chemical imbalance, hey come on! I mean yes, things affect other things in the body and our energies. Still, ff you eat right and exercise, the odds are small that your hormones are all screwed up. But if you do feel grief that never ends, maybe some form of therapy could help if you can afford it. It is NORMAL to feel grief and loss, but maybe not for months or years. Life does go on, so don't discount the power of self-healing.

One important thing that I forgot to mention is that many sensitive and empathic people absorb collective energies, and I think that I personally had a pretty heavy load of that due to the shooting in this country. After all, it would upset most people that kids get shot for no reason at all.

I also want to underline that many of the unpleasant side effects that people go through when they take the happy pill (loss of libido and creativity, the zest of life, etc.), could occur if you are taken these medecines unnecessarily. It's only normal that your body would react to something that is out of place. These view points are not made by a medical authority, and so I am only telling what I have concluded over the years. It has for instance been proven that people with fibromyalgia rarely respond to anti-depressants though they show signs of distress and irritability.

P.S. Karen (Univision) kindly sent me these links that might answer some questions:

A Spiritual View of Depression

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Boundary of Self

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Hunger for Light

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Light That Shines in the Darkness

A Spiritual View of Depression - Living With the Unknown

Spiritual Healing of Anxiety and Panic DisordersA Spiritual View of Mental Illness

Artwork: "The Art Of Survival", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

The Love Game - A Play of Shadows

This is a piece written about a year ago when I was again decieved by a man who suddenly disappeared from my life after a few months of courting on the internet. I had had a very dramatic break up six months earlier, but I thought I had matured into an independent state of mind that would help me attract someone who would be good for me. I should probably mention, that I have always shunned co-dependency, as my childhood experience of love was not wholesome. I had grown to believe that love is draining you, and was unfortunately repeating the pattern when at a late age in my life allowed myself to be "allured" into relationships. It's a strange paradox, that I finally allowed myself to be co-dependent, and that it might have been a necessary phase for me to go through in my search for a more wholesome way of conducting a relationship. This entry is about the shadow side of love.

My experience of love has always been, that it is a trap, and a painful one at that. I have had a deeply desillusioned attitude regarding the love that has occasionally been offered to me. This is echoed in a dysfunctional childhood, of course, where I suffered neglect and emotional abuse. For many years I resisted the sticky love game. I held members of the opposite sex safely at bay and did not allow any ingoing or outgoing feelings to penetrate the walls of my fortress. Although I soon realized that this is not a way of life that is conducive to personal growth and a joy in life, it took me years and years of hard work to let down my armour. I had to rush into some relationships in a way that would take the controlling element, the Gate Keeper, in me with surprise. I would so as to speak, sneek the love feeling in through the backdoor. This made me very vulnerable and broke down my nervous system. The whole scope of my sensitive nature came into the open. What a scary place to be! Although I experienced several burn outs - not least due to the ensuing chronic insomnia and ill physical health - I managed to somehow retain my sanity. While all this was going on, one tangibly positive thing did happen. I became more discerning.

I truly believe that discernement is the prerequisite for a balanced, spiritual way of life and possible enlightenement. I can see that traps abound. Life is a maze that can keep you captive as long as you go along with the human tendency to think in terms of either-or and allow your mental self to make judmental arguments for or against. I like the idea of discernement simply because even though it doesn't remove you from the human sphere of preferences, it allows you the occasional restful moment in What Is. The further you advance on your quest for a deepfelt and honest life, the greater the likelihood that your senses, subconscious mind, and higher awareness will co-operate harmoniously to tell you what IS and what needs to be. While for a long time I thought I was plagued by fears, it seemed that after I had made some tough deciscions that helped me release the tension, I had actually had gutfeelings about things that where dangerous to my welfare. For a while it also seemed that I had premonitions telling that I was heading for a nightmarish experience but could not avoid it because it seemed that it had to be! I did not really feel that I had much free will, and believed that my higher self was always guiding me.

Although maybe those experiences did have to be in order that I would learn some valuable lessons about myself and other people (thus I was guided to enter the situations by my higher self), I have now seen that I probably do have some choice in the matter. Lets put it this way: if I clear out my own Shadow issues, my desperation is decreasing and my ability to choose a better life is increasing. All these things go hand in hand. It seems to me that becoming aware of your own deeper problems (Shadow issues) will open you up, thus creating more flow of information between you and the outside world as well as better attuned instinct and intuition. This again facilitates discernement and a better realization of what has to be and how to deal with it emotionally.

I have not really changed my opinion regarding human love. While sometimes people do see something beautiful in each other, the main driving force seems to be the Shadows that they harbour in their own subconscious mind and project onto the other person like a movie on a screen. I have no doubt harboured love in my own Shadow (good things can be there too), but have worked on it sufficiently to believe that it's one of the deepest issues in my life but also one that I am supposed to resolve. Very often spirituality is in a person's Shadow. I believe that was the case with the guy that I was trying to have a relationship with the longest. A lot of people want so badly to be spiritual, but refuse to see the entire scope of that kind of a life style. Spirituality is not in my opinion a very gooey state of mind, at least not to begin with, because you have to integrate your Shadow and learn to tolerate every aspect of yourself and the surrounding reality. It's downright dangerous to think that you know and see more than you actually do - but by that I mean it's not good for yourself either. Some men also pretend to be spiritual in order to allure a woman into liking them better - someone who was keen on me did that to me and I've seen it happen to others. In the end my spirituality was naturally thrown back into my face by this guy. One day I saw that my best match on a datingsite was this very person due to the very fact that spirituality was listed as a priority in this person's life. Ha! But I know he's my worst match in reality! So beware...

I recently had the experience of a spiritually minded man who was very much fascinated with my preoccupation with the matters of the physical world. I am defenitely not one who mingles much with other earthlings on the social arena, but I've worked all my life at trying to understand the dynamics of this reality. Basically, I feel that we need to embrace all aspects of reality in order to transcend them. Ironically, although there is no earth on my astrological chart, it seems that I'm more in tune with Earth than many a person whose astrological sign is an earth sign (mine is water). Haha, practice makes a master, I guess. It is a known fact that the most creative people are the one's working hardest at it, and I see a similarity here.

Seeking to understand mundane reality and human behaviour is a pursuit that requires that I deal with a terrible amount of details and sensorial input, and it's totally overwhelming at times, as I'm not physically all that strong and tolerant. I had almost given up on finding a man who would be understanding of this and also see why I have to be selective with the information that keeps bombarding me. Although I admit that I have been a bit of a control freak because of this and other reasons too, it really also connects to a feeling of having to keep things orderly and under supervision so they don't end up stressing me too much. Well sure, of course it's not an ideal situation and I hope I can in time find greater equaniminity that would take care of that issue.

Anyway, when I did find a man who did see and understand my preoccupation with the matters of the physical realm, I was naturally quite taken by it. I was, however, not able to feel the same kind of love that this man said he felt for me. I felt that I needed more information than what I could get virtually, through the internet. I also felt that I was being idealized. In fact I started to feel anxious about it. I felt pressured. It's terrible to want to feel something that you cannot feel.

One problem we had was a mutual fear of being used, although in different ways. Not an uncommon scenario, I gather. To me it was mostly a matter of not having to be the one who pulls the wagon (i.e the one taking care of the practical issues in life and taking on responsibilities that are way too heavy for me alone to carry), because I've had a tendency to attract similar experiences all my life. Having pursued the relationship on a virtual level through the internet for quite a while, I was becoming increasingly anxious to meet up in real life. In the end I had to voice my need very strongly. I have been made to wait, grilled, many times before, and I was not going to take it one more time! I decided that I need no longer wait for anybody. And that was the end of it, he backed off. One object was propably that an encounter in the physical would have required a lot of physical actions from him. The person in question probably also got scared of my strong sense of realism as well as the physical, mental and emotional boundaries that go with it. I figure this characteristic of mine was part of his Shadow and not something he really had the guts to confront.

What kind of a love is a love that ends that abruptly, anyway? To me it's just another shadowplay. One reason I think this might have been the case was the strong blamatory reaction that I got. Most men I have met have blamed me for things they are also guilty of themselves.

The thing is, we cannot ever offer to help anyone else even when we feel sorry for them. All we can do is try to be in tune intuitively with the situation at hand and keep in mind that the other person deserves that same kind of respect that we expect for ourselves. They have a right to their own choices although to the extent that these affect others some consideration might be expected. Anyway it's not altruism to think that you know what someone is about and then try to manipulate them into accepting your gracious gift of help and compassion. Besides, an exaggerated need to help others can be a way of disguising one's own problems, by kind of steering one's own and everybody else's attention away from them... So even in a relationship, we are sometimes less powerful than we wish we would be. A relationship will necessarily involve some work, but there's a limit to how much one has to put up with all the same. However, it seems that it's up to each and everyone to use their discernement and determine that limit.
There is an idealistic view that positive desires will not lead to any kind of karma or that a relationship should be happy. Of course we all wish this would be the case! And while I probably need my sceptical stance in order to get to grips with the way things really are here in this realm, I should maybe also open myself to a more optimistic view of love. Not because it can ever be an easy thing to deal with, or that humans will change their ways all that much, but because I deserve a better experience of what it means to love and be loved. I would really like to share my life with someone and practice this in my daily life. And yet, I may never get there, because it might cause me to create karma that I should be without. Or I may simply never find a man who is on the same wavelength as myself. It's a curious thing that I have shared some important things with some men, but I have never felt in sync with anyone. I do not want more "sticky" love from anyone. Real and honest love that doesn't hurt or require sacrifices is so elusive... And of course a love that doesn't hurt others either. It is very hard not to ever hurt or harm anybody, isn't it? Maybe it is impossible, even.

The above story with its harsh ending was a pretty good replica of a childhood scenario, where I was feeling that I was giving plenty of myself, while all I was getting in return was complaints that I am being selfish. Somehow I need to truly accept that I should not become a martyr and sacrifice my wellbeing for anybody so that they will get what they want from me. I have to admit that the last few days since the events took place that I was talking about earlier, I've felt a prescence of an energy that wasn't there before. It hasn't gone away yet, so I am starting to assume that I'm empowered by what seems to have been a clear break with a typical behavioural pattern in me. I guess I'm starting to have a realistic view of how much I can take in that respect. Ideally, one should not have to sacrifice anything at all, but can that really happen here on Earth? In any case I must not sacrifice the seed of kindness and empathy that makes me want to do that. Instead I have to trust that nature takes its course and grows a plant out of the seed in some way that will be beneficial to me as well as to the collective that I belong to.

Artwork: "Don't Let Smoke Get In Your Eyes" handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2005

Walks With Cats

This blog is about my relationship to my wonderful cats... and to money.

Now there is no way you can manipulate cats into loving you. That is one of the obvious reasons I love them as much as I do! They are, as all animals that have not become disturbed, so very real and honest. Though sometimes I think, "darn cat, can't you listen to my command even for once!", there is no way that you can truly hold their independent airs against them. And who can resist there wonderful displays of joy and affection? The purring and close encounters with your body are rather infectious indeed!

All of my life, cats have provided me with comfort and warmth when the human sphere hasn't, but also a flicker of hope. My cats are my mirrors in many ways. The sensuality they display is definitely a quality inherent in my own persona as well. I hope that one day I can enjoy life as much as they do.

The love of your cat is something you earn because you give of yourself and show them that they can trust you completely. Sure you can get your cats to do tricks like a dog. Maybe you've witnessed this at the Cat Circus. But who needs a cat who does tricks? Is it not already enough to follow the subtle expressions and fluctuations of their inner life and the facets of their personality? I know, they are just animals... but as such, they teach me many basic things about life that I have yet to discover in my relationship to human beings.

It's funny how some people like to be a little arrogant and say that we are just projecting our feelings on the pets, that we only want to have them because it's "easy love", and so forth. The truth the way I see it is that they make life livable, they help us get through the day when times are rough, and they DO have feelings and personality. In any case, the love you give them comes straight back to you. You know when you're in touch with your heart, because you can see it reflected in your pet. Maybe I'm even reflecting my own potential bliss when I am seeing my cat in extasy.

I suppose my three cats are fortunate because they receive plenty of attention from me throughout the day. One of them is always present, which dispels some of my solitude. A trio that was disparate in the beginning, has gradually become a unanimous whole in which each displays a completely separate form of energy. I sometimes think that they represent the Indian concepts of kapha, pitta and vata rather well... Marius (gray, long haired) is big, cute and rather lethargic, Robin (an orange tabby) is robust but intense and expressive, and Beatrice (white and black) is calculating and the fastest and fiercest little thing imaginable. The cats that I had before taught me what love feels like. These remind me of it every day. Without them, I would be a lost soul, since I would probably have much greater difficulties in keeping my heart open.

The bond I have with them is manifested in our walks in the forest. The fact that my cats follow me on their own accord surprises most people. In other words, there are no leashes. How would I put up with the solitude here in the forest where I live if it wasn't for our little walks? The cats are very excited as soon as I ask them to go "out", though usually they are the ones who beckon me to do go for a walk. What kind of human would I be if I didn't follow their regal wish? "Your wish is my command" - indeed! But what can I say - it is great fun!

Sometimes I call them to come to me, as I happen to be ahead of them. Robin comes in great leaps towards me and gives a head bonk and brushes himself against my leg. Marius tends to lag behind but trots towards me with his chubby allure. The last few meters he starts running towards me with a look of cheerful expectancy. When he reaches me he pushes my hand and looks for appraisal. Beatrice runs very fast but may run up in a tree on the way. She then rushes towards my outstretched arms... and then changes direction just a few degrees and runs past me and away... Contrary to the guys she will never do what she is being asked to do! She is indeed the primadonna of this gang, although Robin in practice is the one that is at the top of the hierarchy.

Now what I call my "theory of cats" is basically that life is at its most wonderful when there is a spontaneous and joyful give and take that involves a lot of sweet talk and affectionate cuddling. I estimate that the ratio would be about 90% love and 10% reprimands. Although I naturally respond to other animals too, cats have a special place in my life also because they remind me of the act of letting go of control and manipulation. This leads me to something I have given a lot of thought all throughout my adult life, and I always seem to arrive at the same conclusion.

At times I encounter people who tell me that I can have everything I ever wanted if I only realize the power of my mind to create and manifest my inner and outer reality. I know the principles behind this kind of thinking very well. The Secret and the teachings connected to it are by no means new and groundbreaking. I do not disagree with the ideas per se. However, I am afraid that something complex is being simplified to fit selfish pursuits of some people who cover up as spiritual beings but are instead serving the powers of materialism and spiritual stagnation.

I feel that I know quite a bit about the darker side of life. Now let's see... here is a suggestion of a way of categorizing "dark". There is the neutral darkness of the physical world, such as the dark of the night or the color black. There is a passive, emotional darkness that comes out of ignorance and is mainly just depressing and self-destructive. Then there is the active force of mental darkness, that attempts to allure and convince by using all means available. Some form of 'negative' energy has to exist in a dual world, otherwise there would be no evolution and no creation. This polar, opposing aspect doesn't have to be terribly 'negative', though. I feel that my positive insights come into being through a dialectic process that requires a negation (thesis versus antithesis equals synthesis). In the present world, this negation is often sad or evil in nature. This is part of the way evolution unfolds. Let us not be judgmental though. I feel that suffering and struggle can be part of a learning process that makes some souls into very knowledgeable and strong ones. This is not to say that it will always be this way. What I am saying is that maybe accepting it is part of a healing process towards a lighter and more joyful existence. I feel that it is absolutely necessary to face the dark... to look at and acknowledge it; even to love it, as part of the creation.

I do not think that the forces that may be trying to allure you will get a hold of you if you really believe in compassion for all living beings and our beautiful Earth. Compassion will lead to a sense of Oneness. So if someone talks of Oneness but doesn't display any signs of compassion, then maybe you shouldn't listen to them. I would also venture to claim that we do not have to choose between Oneness or dualism. In fact, the way I see it is that this is also a polarity that can be comprised in a fundamental paradox of being.

I am saying all this because I want to explain why I think it's important to deeply contemplate our relationship to many of the forces that make this world go around. Although money is not evil per se, it seems to corrupt more often than not. Money obviously serves to satisfy many worldly desires. While I do think that we need to enjoy our time on Earth, I also feel that we should examine the forces that drive us and what kind of behavior ensues when we have things such as money, power, and success. Are the means to these ends truly honorable? Do you honestly believe that you can have things of the world without giving something in return?

How about sometimes giving something else than money? Maybe we should acknowledge the existence of money but actively try not to feed the sense of separation by thinking about it all the time and fretting in attempts to control the way our lives unfold on that level. Thinking back, I have been poor a lot, but many times money has arrived when truly needed. Poverty can force a person to make decisions they would not have made otherwise, and it may all be for the better from the point of view of the soul's development. Would I really trade the wisdom I feel it has given me for a pact with the dark forces that may be using spiritual jargon to corrupt a real ascension of this level of existence? Well... I think that in this respect my conscience is clear.

Let's just make our decisions wisely! Let's practice discernment! We do not always need everything money can buy, although a lot of it certainly is nice to have. Sometimes we can also stretch what we or others already have, instead of adding to the vices of consumerism. This can be done either by willing it thoughtwise (though I admit it can be quite a demanding challenge), or by plain recycling. But... most of all, I wish that we would focus our energies towards a happy give and take in an open and uncontrolling way!

Artwork: Digital photograph of Robin checking something out on one of the walks, copyright 2008 by author

Women, Relationships and the Ascension

Today is my birthday. There is no one else around but my mother who will bring a cake so that we can garnish it with whip cream and strawberries as usual. I told her that I really don't care much for presents at this time, since we are so short of money and I am trying to declutter my life so that I'll be even more ready for the new things that promise to show up soon.

Now one thing that concerns me a great deal is that I have a relationship that reliable sources say is enabling. By this they mean that I make it too easy for him to avoid taking charge of his own life. I also worry a lot for him and this is dragging me down. Under normal circumstances I would just go on as usual, and give him the fair chance that he deserves. He is trying so hard to fit into my life, and he truly wants it very badly. Yet everything that can possibly go wrong this year has been going wrong both in his personal life as well as within our relationship. I feel that I should be there for him, yet at the same time I also realize that now is a time to detach from other people's karma and the kind of problems that really affect us negatively. I feel sad and guilty for having such thoughts, yet why should I sacrifice myself? I have trouble pinpointing my feelings but it seems that what I feel for him is not the kind of love you build a relationship on, but a love based in deep friendship. I still seem to be learning about emotions!

Now for those who don't know about the events over the past few years I need to clarify a few points. First, I broke up with my first real partner a year and a half ago. I then dated a man on the internet for a few months, but he pulled out in the end, which turned out to supply me with a sense of relief... Then my current partner showed up. We talked on Skype for several months until I was able to visit him on the other side of the world. In the end I only stayed there for as long as my visa allowed me, which is three months. During this time I experienced plenty of anxiety and frustration. I didn't feel that he understood my needs and that he was quite in the dark as how to deal with me and understand what I was all about. I am not sure he tried hard enough... No doubt our months on Skype had provided him with this picture of an angel that would come to help him sort out the basic issues in his life (make better food, help create a nice home, inspire him to exercise, be there for him in times of trouble...) and it turned out that I was a real person with real needs. I have a history of disregarding my own needs and so I was trying to be really aware of this point of view in building this relationship. In the end I had to leave, as there was not enough money to support the two of us. It has a lot to do with the economics of the continent and other personal details that I cannot share here in public. Needless to say, it was a relief to come home to my red sofa and my lovely things, and have no one else demand anything from me but my picky little cats... I realized it was time for me to focus on myself now, which in fact is much supported by people like Karen Bishop who are trying to explain the workings of the ascension process.

Yesterday I was waiting for my dear male friend (the one I am talking about here) to call me as usual, but I was waiting in vain... Turns out he overslept and had to take care of things before he could call me. Due to the time difference this meant that he didn't show up until midnight my time, wanting to be the first to wish me happy birthday. By that time I was in a really bad mood. The night before I had been crying my eyes out over all sorts of strong emotional issues that revealed themselves to me. I felt enormous sadness and compassion and was no doubt going through the reality of my emotional life the way it expresses itself at this moment in time. Apparently this caused me a headache that bordered on migraine, so I did not have a very nice Sunday! Plus there was no one around even on the internet, and I felt extremely lonely after the quick but intense visit at my house of a dear old friend and her kids. As I was complaining to my male friend my internet connection suddenly went down. Now how often does this happen? I had to wait for an hour until it came back on - it was probably a case of service but it came at the worst time possible! Of course my friend was no longer available. I waited 45 more minutes and then called him on the phone, which is way too expensive for both of us. He had of course thought that I had hung up on him on purpose. So by the time I got to bed it was really late. Not a great way to start a birthday! Not that it really matters all that much at this age, yet still...

My point here is, that when things just don't seem to flow naturally, something may be wrong from a higher perspective. I have not been told that I should end my relationship, yet it has been suggested to me that this may not be the best choice of partner. My loyalty and compassion come into this scenario as real problems, since it's very hard for me to leave a wounded buddy to bleed to death... you know what I mean, though the image is a strong one. I want to be there for anyone who may need me. And so I stand in front of a difficult choice that is draining me and making me feel quite sad about the way of life. Everyone deserves a good relationship and not least my good friend! Yet, we have to take responsibility of our own lives and also make sure that our own needs are being met. Once we know that the needs we have are clear of the pursuits of the ego, there is no need to deny them and try and rationalize the situation.

It has been said that I am not originally from this world. I am only a visitor and a collector of valuable experiences about the human condition and the emotions that motivate the people of this planet. I believe this wholeheartedly, as I have felt tugging intuition for many years that there is something a little different about me and my purpose for being here. This may also explain why entering the human game and all the dramas surrounding infatuations and love seem very strange to me. I don't know what it would take for me to really fall in love! Is this a pathology or just a fact which I have no way of changing while I am in this present body? I think that however tired I am of being alone, I must do what is right for my soul and ask to meet someone who is truly understanding of my reasons for being here and who is not a stranger to the idea of ascension. Whether this be a twin flame or not doesn't strike me as being of any greater consequence. I don't like to romanticize that notion either! Anything less than a spiritually attuned partner seems to create overwhelming problems though, and what is now visible could be the top of an iceberg. I would appreciate points of view about this predicament! With love and blessings!

Artwork: "What Serves You No More", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

When Light Hits The Shadow

These are some thoughts about the nature of our Shadow Self from early 2007:

When you open up your heart some more, the light of consciousness hits the shadows in the subconscious mind and you can see so much more clearly what heaps of rubbish have been collected there in the dark over the years, over the decades, over the centuries even... The Shadow is in Jungian terms the part of you that contains denied feelings and thoughts. It may take ages to clear up. And meanwhile you have to struggle with all the negative feelings not only about yourself, but also about the other people who act as your mirror, and about the world in it's sad, sad state of misery and chaos. I am sure that out of the chaos comes new order, that is I believe that old physical matter and the more abstract energies are being transformed creatively into new forms, and that that is the divine order of things. Still...

I'm struggling to resolve a conflict between loyalty and compassion towards another human being and a suspiscion that I will never reach a state of equanimity if I continue to receive criticism from this person. Time and time again I have to brace myself and pick myself up and remind myself that I am not as bad a person as I am being told that I am. Mindgames and a weird manipulative way of twisting things around has become a part of my life, and I never thought it would. When someone close to you is dragging you in the mud, should you then cheer and say "YES! I get to work on my shadows now!", or should you say "NO, I deserve to be encouraged and treated with kindness so that I can start to blossom?". The person that is supposed to be my mirror is shifting shape from one day to the next. Is it me or the image who is starting a movement? Which one of us is the one who is truly coldhearted, arrogant, selfish and stupid? What does it say about me? I am willing to work with my own shadows. But it gets so tiring to always be taking responsibilty for all that goes wrong, to be always the one who has to fix a reactive behaviour. Because I'm supposed to be the one who has the wisdom and the inner tools and the time and the motivation. This is indeed a dark night of the soul.

A psychologist told me once that loyalty is just an excuse for not becoming independent of other people and that loyalty only forces you to put up with things you shouldn't have to put up with. Hm, I don't know. To me it's more that you put up with things that you'd like to run away from, but you do it because you don't always put yourself first. And you don't always put yourself first because you see the other one as just as valuable an individual as yourself. But when does loyalty become martyrdom? On the other hand, what would the world look like without loyalty?

My definition of the Shadow, on shadow work, and how to integrate the shadow with the conscious mind

These are thoughts have formed throughout the years. I am not pretending to be a psychiatrist or a psychologist, although some psychology belonged to my education.Some 15 years ago, I read a small book by Jung and "Meeting the Shadow" by Zweig&Ambrams. It made a lot of sense to me. All the things that are past karmas (possibly future ones too) and not known to the conscious mind, as well as repressed experiences from one's present life, are stored in the subconscious mind - in the form of energy ("clumped" or "stagnated" maybe.)

I understand the unconscious to be, vaster, collective in nature. So if we start do dig into that realm, then it can be quite a bit to chew. I believe some people only deal with a few issues in a lifetime. Others are maybe here to clear it all out. I don't see any other way to gain freedom, since this subconscious material is making us be reactive in an automatic response type of way. As a result of evolution, a human being would eventually want to become more conscious and aware of his/her actions. Ok, you can witness one's automatic reactions but your are still not fee unless you are exposing these to the conscious mind (maybe one follows the other). It means you need something to trigger it big time so that you really see that there is a problem. So the idea of letting the feelings come out and befriending them would be more or less the same as making them conscious. However, if we still don't get in touch with the root problem then there is no or little change. Maybe there is some key issue in a person that once it has been exposed, will open up the rest of the garbage bin so that there is no more obstructions for the energies to flow. I believe that deep thinking is also important, there's a reason we have the faculty of a reasoning mind, so that we can make sense of our experiences rather than be overwhelmed by them. By seeing the patterns and understanding their nature, we are able to integrate the emotional self with the mind. I'm not sure the terminology is comprehensive enough to understand these things? I think all this worked for me quite well until I went into that relationship and got all stressed and screwed up emotionally. So I have no more guidelines as to how to manage my strong emotions except to put up with them and try and keep them under some kind of control (not suppressing but containing them). One important thing to consider, as far as what I believe, is that the Shadow distorts our perception of reality so that we cannot see it the way it really is.

Both things that we would generally speaking consider good, as well as bad things, can be part of the Shadow. For instance in my case, love has been suppressed to some deeper level of my being. I was never able even to fall in love. It was completely incomprehensible to me. By allowing mysef to become dependent of someone, I opened up the love thing. It was starting to clear out but it took me years before I felt certain things in my heart (the energycentre) that I could recognize as "love" and "compassion". It also helped to get a pet, because I could immediately see the response from the cat when I was giving love to him. This interaction was crucial. But I don't know if that's what I need from a man too. A more obivous and direct mirror. Or maybe it's now supposed to be more subtle and complex?

Artwork: "The Shadow", mixed media by author, copyright 1997