Beckoning Destiny: Deliver Me From the Dating Game

On a dating forum, I asked how people weed out when dealing with unwanted people on dating sites. Most of the women felt that you should be polite and find some neutral excuse to close the correspondence, while most men felt that you shouldn't waste your time but just leave the letters unanswered and not get into any explanations. The men felt that it was best to block the women they didn't like immediately. A friend just remarked that men actually seem to have more fears than women.

Since I re-entered the online dating game a few months back I have been subject to the rather callous way in which men just dump you without further ado when you're not to their taste. Most of us have fear of rejection. It means that the feelings or fears of rejection surface again, and again, and again... At some point you think you've mastered it and that it cannot possibly affect you that much again. Yet suddenly you're sucked into an intense exchange with great promise of future companionship only to be brutally dumped for some really strange reasons. This time one problem was that I walk outdoors with my cats without leashes and this was perceived as exhibitionism. The other was the fact that I exercise my right not to have children. The third had to do with my lack of desire to take up strict Buddhist (Theravada, conservative style) practices and that my thinking is impure and ignorant since I don't recognize a good thing when I see it and have some sympathies for another strand of Buddhism (Mahayana, which stresses the importance of compassion). "That's what the Jehova's Witness say too", I retorted. But to no avail. I think this guy was making his two-hour meditation practice and silence retreats along with the ten commandments (including chastity) into a massive ego-serving enterprise. I'm tired of staring into the Buddhist void and contemplating the illusory and temporary nature of reality. I feel I know it all too well. I'm also not interested in intellectualizing these concepts anymore. Now I'd like to enjoy this compelling illusion a little before I make my exit out of this life.

As so many before him, the guy in question also wanted to have the cake and eat it. In other words, I was most welcome to be his friends. It's funny how they think that after all that, you'd really like to still be friends. He said that he liked to discuss his path. Sure. I just didn't really feel part of the discussion since he was mostly preaching.

Nothing is more of a turn off than people who patronize you ("you may not understand this now but you will after a while when you've reached a broader perspective"), or preach ("personal growth to me means following the ten principles of enlightenement and they are so and so...") or make assumptions ("I thought you must be really nuts and eccentric to walk your cats in the city") or hold back ("I can't open my heart before I'm certain that we're right for each other") or fear committment ("I'd rather you just moved close to where I live so I can withdraw from the relationship if I feel I need to") or control you ("Well you can be as ignorant as you wish to be but you're a fool not to take a chance on the true path"), or don't support or try to understand your life's work ("I don't understand people who feel they can just write whatever they like to make others look like fools"). And all it boils down to is what this person needs, not what you feel, think or need. You are cursed to see through all this BS. Sure, you saw the good too. That's why you hung in there for a whole week.

You try so hard to feel compassion, but you're so worn out. My accidental shrink suggested that I'm tired of selfishness. I certainly am. I also mapped out my own traumas, the reasons I react emotionally to certain stimuli. It's about the childhood, about having had to ignore one's own needs in favour of someone else's, and having been talked down to because I was a child, and not getting support and guidance. I thought those patterns would have been gone by now but apparently not.

What do you do when you put so much into the contact and in the end all it does it sucks you dry? How do you keep hoping that one day, some time, somewhere...? You know you can't lie down and die, you must get up again, fight your battles, be "Liberty Leading the People" while you also wreck your brain to find things to say to all these taciturn, reticent, secretive, cynical, under-enthousiastic, opiniated and demanding men that are out there? Because you're after all a mere mortal, you can't help but have some hopes raised and feeling some disappointment when all the signs of compatibility are undermined by an abyss of differences. You feel stress and sleep poorly and wonder if this is really worth it in the end? Perhaps the right one will find you at the outbacks of a country that is the outbacks of Scandinavia which is the outbacks of Europe... Maybe you really ought to delete your dating profiles and trust that one day he will be behind your door. Just like that. And he'll be kind and intelligent, able to think outside of the box and also want to enjoy life to its fullest. Because we must believe that there is some way of miracles in this world, don't we?

Artwork: "Liberty Leading the People" by Eugène Delacroix 1830

Discernement When Communicating With Others

There's a point where communication stops being interactive. I can't say exactly where it is, but I seem to feel when it has been reached. It's not so much about asking questions, as I don't think that's always necessary. You can simply feel if the other person is responding to your rants even if they do it indirectly. What happens fairly often in my life is that there's a sense of sharing at first that quickly turns into some form of preaching. I feel that the other person didn't hear me correctly and that their response is about what they want to proclaim rather than feeling what I was trying to get across. I think a good conversation is based in agreement or an attempt at understanding the other person. If not, then there's no point in going on.

I can be quite opiniated and strong in my views but I don't think that I'm unyielding as long as there's a note of sympathy. I have usually attempted to hold back until there's a kind of silent agreement that one can advice the other in a direct manner. This usually happens after you know each other rather well already and know that what is being said is not part of a power game. On the other hand, power games are subtle and based in a deliberate attempt to confuse the other person into thinking like them.

I recently talked to someone who was telling me a lot of rather obvious spiritual "truths" as if I was a child... when I questioned their motifs they told me that I was on a path of trying to find someone to blame and that they didn't want to continue talking to me. They knew I tend to uncover people's less agreeable sides rather easily and so they used that against me, as my motif and goal. I had to swallow hard. Was I seeing things that were not there? Or was I being true to myself? Nobody can tell me that! I do know that I had an uncanny premonition that this would occur because the person in question started to insinuate that sometimes it's best to just let people go if they don't fit into the beliefsystem that this person was professing to. I also wondered how in comparison everyone else was shallow and wrong in their approach... How people are either spiritual or not... no grey scale allowed in this case. It was also a bit strange that these people were proudly presenting themselves as not charging anything for their healing yet asked me to look for someone in my vicinity who would give me some for very little since I can't afford it. Yeah right. I started to feel that this person was in fact looking for disciples and since they all had to be women and have certain beliefs it was a bit doubtful to me. The signs of a dominant mind were definitely there, as my opinions mattered little to this person. Of course in their opinion, they were not asking me to believe anything whatsoever. Well, that's easy to say, isn't it.

There's a certain pattern that some smart men follow when they want something from you, the woman. What they want is of course either sex or your soul. First they share their hardships to awaken your sympathies. Then they come onto you about your nice qualities. Then they start to tell you what to do and what to think. Remember that all this may occur in a very subtle manner. All I can say is, better be safe than sorry. If something doesn't feel quite right, then it probably isn't. It is never easy to say no and turn away, but it's unfortunately something a woman has to do quite often in today's world. I have realized that few men will be nice and polite when they end the conversation with you, so I don't see why you would have to be. I know more often than not women prefer to be nice but it rarely pays off. Getting all wound up and angry isn't going to work out either. Better show one's maturity, even if it's only towards oneself! All this being said, I've noticed men complaining about women too so I think that more and more women are asserting themselves out there and not always in very nice ways.

I take things to heart so easily, and so human communication is quite difficult and complicated from my point of view. On the other hand I try and watch and learn and hope that if I have made a mistake, I will be made aware of it in a manner that leaves no room for doubt. My goodness, what if I'm stuck in some terrible pattern that is truly detrimental to me as a human being? Yet unsolicited advice is no longer welcome... It's a very confusing world out there and we do need to look after our well being. On the other hand I don't agree with those who never want to risk getting hurt again. In my opinion, life is about risks and chances. Whatever hurts will pass. No pain, no gain. Would you rather sit alone in the same place for years or go out and gather experiences? I know that truly growing as a person isn't very popular and most do take the safe routes. No matter how much I suffer I rather not go only for the safe cards though. For instance, if someone truly wanted to discuss a communication problem with me I think I would still be willing to give of my time, though I have also become aware that it's not always advisable. But that's just me. All in all discernment is a tough topic. Whether you're right or wrong, people are hiding a lot of things and often have an agenda. All you really have is your gutfeeling.

Artwork: "Noli Me Tangere", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Being Discerning in the Beginning of Relationships

In relation to my previous blog entry, I have to say that I am still in great shock of how quickly encouraging words can turn into the opposite. I think it's normal to feel thrilled when someone tells you how wonderful you are because of your kindness and how happy they are to know you because you help them to understand themselves better. You open up and trust a person who does that. But then you start to feel that something is not quite right. There is so much talk about what makes the person in question feel comfortable and how difficult it is when people don't meet with expectations on that level. It seems that you're alright to the extent that you support and help the person reach his private goals. Ok, sometimes it's all very well. But how can you know that this nice person is not just projecting outwards what they have established about themselves? People have shadow sides, and it's in the nature of these denied parts of the self to be unkown to the conscious self. Usually other people trigger us so that we have an opportunity of becoming aware of this part of the self. I tend to trigger people a lot because I'm quite perceptive and intuitive. It has ruined many a friendship, mostly on the internet where everything is intense and open in a kind of scary way.

I'm very sad that so few people think along such terms. All relationships would be smoother if people realized they are mirroring their own issues in the other person. They say they want to grow but do they really know what that means and how painful it can be at times? I made the recent mistake of thinking that someone who seemed to like me a great deal would understand that I was about to go through some painful issues and would be there for me. The more I tried to explain myself, the more I found myself in an impossible maze that shouldn't have had to come about in the first place. Had I only been allowed to talk and had this person only lend me an ear... well, things would sure be very different right now and I would be proud to call this person a friend. As it was, I was shunned and ridiculed. There wasn't much this person actually said. Maybe he was, after all, polite enough not to, or he simply didn't have a solid case. Or he was the "cold war" type who rather stay aloof. Or maybe this guy was scared that his shadow side was being exposed? I don't pretend to know, as I don't pretend to be all-knowing. I can only say that somehow my expectation that the attempt to go through the emotional process in a controlled manner wasn't met (bad me to have an expectation!) and so I found myself in a state of even greater anxiety. Funny thing is, everything that I was submitted to was like an echo of things that I had heard this person saying he had been subject to by others. Relationships are indeed very often a mirror where things we experience as unpleasant to us in the external world are in reality a part of our denied self.

Someone posed the question whether we can save the planet or not, and this was my response: "This is a pet question for me. I think it's ludicrous to save anything at all. That's really ego speaking, since it wants to feel good about itself. Most people talk this way about the planet as well as their peers, and it can be hard to deal with at times. However, taking care of things is quite different. That comes from the heart and not an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Only our higher selves can know what the best action to take is at any given time.

May I add, that it's my understanding that many spiritually minded people think that by saving others from their misery and "faulty" attitudes, they are helping to save the planet. It's all about the critical mass etc, which in my opinion is a way of intellectualizing a process that will probably happen anyway ("let nature take its course..."). Therefore there's a lot of pressure on both sides; on the one hand those who offer a million solutions and methods of saving people must be rather stressed out (and usually give it away by getting nasty) and those who are subject to manipulation or attacks to conform to other people's idea of what is the right thing to do feel stress too. I think we should have a little more trust in the higher powers than this! Of course we shouldn't just sit back and get lazy, but (in my opinion) exercise effortless efforts by listening to our hearts and our intuition."

No, we cannot save other people. And we also don't have to try and support someone who is dragging us down. But to give up on someone out of convenience and almost no knowledge of the case at hand at all is in my opinion truly cowardly and pathetic. There, now I said it! I'm sick and tired of hearing about how compassionate we should be and then have the same people spit at me because I'm trying so hard to talk to them in an honest way and it doesn't suit their level of comfort. What is life if we don't stretch out of our comfort zone a bit sometimes? By honest I mean real and sincere, but also respectful at least to the extent that I am able at that particular moment. Sometimes we faulter, but it's human. Little slips can be rectified. You don't ban a person on a site just because they are having a bad day unless they are blasting at you. Come on; that's being highly egotistical. Give people a chance. If they have violated your boundaries it could be that they didn't really know what boundaries you had because you acted differently in the past. To resort to that kind of excuses when it's handy is hardly fair... It's equally silly to encourage openness and confidentiality in the form of rants and then suddenly when it's convenient use an excuse such as "I can't process all your issues, it's just way too much".

I also think that different cultures have very different concepts of a person's boundaries. Of course it's not only cultural, but personal as well. In my own case I'm very particular about boundaries but in one case (that I know of) I may not respect that of others and that's if I really need to talk about a problem while the other person is withdrawing. I simply cannot deal with such stress. On the other hand I once had to break the friendship with someone who was borderline because it was too stressful on me (my boundaries were constantly being violated). She might have thought of it as betrayal but I could easily have discussed it if she had wanted to. Betrayal to me is when people don't allow me to explain my feelings. I have to try and estimate my own capacity since so far I have a limited amount of energy to spend. Who do I spend it on and why? I am certainly not going to spend it on someone who only wants to be encouraged and appreciated but doesn't really want to accept me for who I am when it comes to real issues in life. A guy from the other side of the world can be super sweet talking but if he doesn't consider that I am staying up throughout the night in order to chat with him when it suits him the best, then he's a jerk. I'm sorry, but there are things that should be obvious. There are also little things that give a person away. I suggest you observe these signs and find out whether they mean something that is being covered up with all the beautiful compliments he's smothered you with. Oh and one more thing; if he thinks you're in love with him after a week, then run!

Artwork: "Emotions 2/6", handmade collage on paper, all rights reserved 2002

The Love Game - A Play of Shadows

This is a piece written about a year ago when I was again decieved by a man who suddenly disappeared from my life after a few months of courting on the internet. I had had a very dramatic break up six months earlier, but I thought I had matured into an independent state of mind that would help me attract someone who would be good for me. I should probably mention, that I have always shunned co-dependency, as my childhood experience of love was not wholesome. I had grown to believe that love is draining you, and was unfortunately repeating the pattern when at a late age in my life allowed myself to be "allured" into relationships. It's a strange paradox, that I finally allowed myself to be co-dependent, and that it might have been a necessary phase for me to go through in my search for a more wholesome way of conducting a relationship. This entry is about the shadow side of love.

My experience of love has always been, that it is a trap, and a painful one at that. I have had a deeply desillusioned attitude regarding the love that has occasionally been offered to me. This is echoed in a dysfunctional childhood, of course, where I suffered neglect and emotional abuse. For many years I resisted the sticky love game. I held members of the opposite sex safely at bay and did not allow any ingoing or outgoing feelings to penetrate the walls of my fortress. Although I soon realized that this is not a way of life that is conducive to personal growth and a joy in life, it took me years and years of hard work to let down my armour. I had to rush into some relationships in a way that would take the controlling element, the Gate Keeper, in me with surprise. I would so as to speak, sneek the love feeling in through the backdoor. This made me very vulnerable and broke down my nervous system. The whole scope of my sensitive nature came into the open. What a scary place to be! Although I experienced several burn outs - not least due to the ensuing chronic insomnia and ill physical health - I managed to somehow retain my sanity. While all this was going on, one tangibly positive thing did happen. I became more discerning.

I truly believe that discernement is the prerequisite for a balanced, spiritual way of life and possible enlightenement. I can see that traps abound. Life is a maze that can keep you captive as long as you go along with the human tendency to think in terms of either-or and allow your mental self to make judmental arguments for or against. I like the idea of discernement simply because even though it doesn't remove you from the human sphere of preferences, it allows you the occasional restful moment in What Is. The further you advance on your quest for a deepfelt and honest life, the greater the likelihood that your senses, subconscious mind, and higher awareness will co-operate harmoniously to tell you what IS and what needs to be. While for a long time I thought I was plagued by fears, it seemed that after I had made some tough deciscions that helped me release the tension, I had actually had gutfeelings about things that where dangerous to my welfare. For a while it also seemed that I had premonitions telling that I was heading for a nightmarish experience but could not avoid it because it seemed that it had to be! I did not really feel that I had much free will, and believed that my higher self was always guiding me.

Although maybe those experiences did have to be in order that I would learn some valuable lessons about myself and other people (thus I was guided to enter the situations by my higher self), I have now seen that I probably do have some choice in the matter. Lets put it this way: if I clear out my own Shadow issues, my desperation is decreasing and my ability to choose a better life is increasing. All these things go hand in hand. It seems to me that becoming aware of your own deeper problems (Shadow issues) will open you up, thus creating more flow of information between you and the outside world as well as better attuned instinct and intuition. This again facilitates discernement and a better realization of what has to be and how to deal with it emotionally.

I have not really changed my opinion regarding human love. While sometimes people do see something beautiful in each other, the main driving force seems to be the Shadows that they harbour in their own subconscious mind and project onto the other person like a movie on a screen. I have no doubt harboured love in my own Shadow (good things can be there too), but have worked on it sufficiently to believe that it's one of the deepest issues in my life but also one that I am supposed to resolve. Very often spirituality is in a person's Shadow. I believe that was the case with the guy that I was trying to have a relationship with the longest. A lot of people want so badly to be spiritual, but refuse to see the entire scope of that kind of a life style. Spirituality is not in my opinion a very gooey state of mind, at least not to begin with, because you have to integrate your Shadow and learn to tolerate every aspect of yourself and the surrounding reality. It's downright dangerous to think that you know and see more than you actually do - but by that I mean it's not good for yourself either. Some men also pretend to be spiritual in order to allure a woman into liking them better - someone who was keen on me did that to me and I've seen it happen to others. In the end my spirituality was naturally thrown back into my face by this guy. One day I saw that my best match on a datingsite was this very person due to the very fact that spirituality was listed as a priority in this person's life. Ha! But I know he's my worst match in reality! So beware...

I recently had the experience of a spiritually minded man who was very much fascinated with my preoccupation with the matters of the physical world. I am defenitely not one who mingles much with other earthlings on the social arena, but I've worked all my life at trying to understand the dynamics of this reality. Basically, I feel that we need to embrace all aspects of reality in order to transcend them. Ironically, although there is no earth on my astrological chart, it seems that I'm more in tune with Earth than many a person whose astrological sign is an earth sign (mine is water). Haha, practice makes a master, I guess. It is a known fact that the most creative people are the one's working hardest at it, and I see a similarity here.

Seeking to understand mundane reality and human behaviour is a pursuit that requires that I deal with a terrible amount of details and sensorial input, and it's totally overwhelming at times, as I'm not physically all that strong and tolerant. I had almost given up on finding a man who would be understanding of this and also see why I have to be selective with the information that keeps bombarding me. Although I admit that I have been a bit of a control freak because of this and other reasons too, it really also connects to a feeling of having to keep things orderly and under supervision so they don't end up stressing me too much. Well sure, of course it's not an ideal situation and I hope I can in time find greater equaniminity that would take care of that issue.

Anyway, when I did find a man who did see and understand my preoccupation with the matters of the physical realm, I was naturally quite taken by it. I was, however, not able to feel the same kind of love that this man said he felt for me. I felt that I needed more information than what I could get virtually, through the internet. I also felt that I was being idealized. In fact I started to feel anxious about it. I felt pressured. It's terrible to want to feel something that you cannot feel.

One problem we had was a mutual fear of being used, although in different ways. Not an uncommon scenario, I gather. To me it was mostly a matter of not having to be the one who pulls the wagon (i.e the one taking care of the practical issues in life and taking on responsibilities that are way too heavy for me alone to carry), because I've had a tendency to attract similar experiences all my life. Having pursued the relationship on a virtual level through the internet for quite a while, I was becoming increasingly anxious to meet up in real life. In the end I had to voice my need very strongly. I have been made to wait, grilled, many times before, and I was not going to take it one more time! I decided that I need no longer wait for anybody. And that was the end of it, he backed off. One object was propably that an encounter in the physical would have required a lot of physical actions from him. The person in question probably also got scared of my strong sense of realism as well as the physical, mental and emotional boundaries that go with it. I figure this characteristic of mine was part of his Shadow and not something he really had the guts to confront.

What kind of a love is a love that ends that abruptly, anyway? To me it's just another shadowplay. One reason I think this might have been the case was the strong blamatory reaction that I got. Most men I have met have blamed me for things they are also guilty of themselves.

The thing is, we cannot ever offer to help anyone else even when we feel sorry for them. All we can do is try to be in tune intuitively with the situation at hand and keep in mind that the other person deserves that same kind of respect that we expect for ourselves. They have a right to their own choices although to the extent that these affect others some consideration might be expected. Anyway it's not altruism to think that you know what someone is about and then try to manipulate them into accepting your gracious gift of help and compassion. Besides, an exaggerated need to help others can be a way of disguising one's own problems, by kind of steering one's own and everybody else's attention away from them... So even in a relationship, we are sometimes less powerful than we wish we would be. A relationship will necessarily involve some work, but there's a limit to how much one has to put up with all the same. However, it seems that it's up to each and everyone to use their discernement and determine that limit.
There is an idealistic view that positive desires will not lead to any kind of karma or that a relationship should be happy. Of course we all wish this would be the case! And while I probably need my sceptical stance in order to get to grips with the way things really are here in this realm, I should maybe also open myself to a more optimistic view of love. Not because it can ever be an easy thing to deal with, or that humans will change their ways all that much, but because I deserve a better experience of what it means to love and be loved. I would really like to share my life with someone and practice this in my daily life. And yet, I may never get there, because it might cause me to create karma that I should be without. Or I may simply never find a man who is on the same wavelength as myself. It's a curious thing that I have shared some important things with some men, but I have never felt in sync with anyone. I do not want more "sticky" love from anyone. Real and honest love that doesn't hurt or require sacrifices is so elusive... And of course a love that doesn't hurt others either. It is very hard not to ever hurt or harm anybody, isn't it? Maybe it is impossible, even.

The above story with its harsh ending was a pretty good replica of a childhood scenario, where I was feeling that I was giving plenty of myself, while all I was getting in return was complaints that I am being selfish. Somehow I need to truly accept that I should not become a martyr and sacrifice my wellbeing for anybody so that they will get what they want from me. I have to admit that the last few days since the events took place that I was talking about earlier, I've felt a prescence of an energy that wasn't there before. It hasn't gone away yet, so I am starting to assume that I'm empowered by what seems to have been a clear break with a typical behavioural pattern in me. I guess I'm starting to have a realistic view of how much I can take in that respect. Ideally, one should not have to sacrifice anything at all, but can that really happen here on Earth? In any case I must not sacrifice the seed of kindness and empathy that makes me want to do that. Instead I have to trust that nature takes its course and grows a plant out of the seed in some way that will be beneficial to me as well as to the collective that I belong to.

Artwork: "Don't Let Smoke Get In Your Eyes" handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2005

Women, Relationships and the Ascension

Today is my birthday. There is no one else around but my mother who will bring a cake so that we can garnish it with whip cream and strawberries as usual. I told her that I really don't care much for presents at this time, since we are so short of money and I am trying to declutter my life so that I'll be even more ready for the new things that promise to show up soon.

Now one thing that concerns me a great deal is that I have a relationship that reliable sources say is enabling. By this they mean that I make it too easy for him to avoid taking charge of his own life. I also worry a lot for him and this is dragging me down. Under normal circumstances I would just go on as usual, and give him the fair chance that he deserves. He is trying so hard to fit into my life, and he truly wants it very badly. Yet everything that can possibly go wrong this year has been going wrong both in his personal life as well as within our relationship. I feel that I should be there for him, yet at the same time I also realize that now is a time to detach from other people's karma and the kind of problems that really affect us negatively. I feel sad and guilty for having such thoughts, yet why should I sacrifice myself? I have trouble pinpointing my feelings but it seems that what I feel for him is not the kind of love you build a relationship on, but a love based in deep friendship. I still seem to be learning about emotions!

Now for those who don't know about the events over the past few years I need to clarify a few points. First, I broke up with my first real partner a year and a half ago. I then dated a man on the internet for a few months, but he pulled out in the end, which turned out to supply me with a sense of relief... Then my current partner showed up. We talked on Skype for several months until I was able to visit him on the other side of the world. In the end I only stayed there for as long as my visa allowed me, which is three months. During this time I experienced plenty of anxiety and frustration. I didn't feel that he understood my needs and that he was quite in the dark as how to deal with me and understand what I was all about. I am not sure he tried hard enough... No doubt our months on Skype had provided him with this picture of an angel that would come to help him sort out the basic issues in his life (make better food, help create a nice home, inspire him to exercise, be there for him in times of trouble...) and it turned out that I was a real person with real needs. I have a history of disregarding my own needs and so I was trying to be really aware of this point of view in building this relationship. In the end I had to leave, as there was not enough money to support the two of us. It has a lot to do with the economics of the continent and other personal details that I cannot share here in public. Needless to say, it was a relief to come home to my red sofa and my lovely things, and have no one else demand anything from me but my picky little cats... I realized it was time for me to focus on myself now, which in fact is much supported by people like Karen Bishop who are trying to explain the workings of the ascension process.

Yesterday I was waiting for my dear male friend (the one I am talking about here) to call me as usual, but I was waiting in vain... Turns out he overslept and had to take care of things before he could call me. Due to the time difference this meant that he didn't show up until midnight my time, wanting to be the first to wish me happy birthday. By that time I was in a really bad mood. The night before I had been crying my eyes out over all sorts of strong emotional issues that revealed themselves to me. I felt enormous sadness and compassion and was no doubt going through the reality of my emotional life the way it expresses itself at this moment in time. Apparently this caused me a headache that bordered on migraine, so I did not have a very nice Sunday! Plus there was no one around even on the internet, and I felt extremely lonely after the quick but intense visit at my house of a dear old friend and her kids. As I was complaining to my male friend my internet connection suddenly went down. Now how often does this happen? I had to wait for an hour until it came back on - it was probably a case of service but it came at the worst time possible! Of course my friend was no longer available. I waited 45 more minutes and then called him on the phone, which is way too expensive for both of us. He had of course thought that I had hung up on him on purpose. So by the time I got to bed it was really late. Not a great way to start a birthday! Not that it really matters all that much at this age, yet still...

My point here is, that when things just don't seem to flow naturally, something may be wrong from a higher perspective. I have not been told that I should end my relationship, yet it has been suggested to me that this may not be the best choice of partner. My loyalty and compassion come into this scenario as real problems, since it's very hard for me to leave a wounded buddy to bleed to death... you know what I mean, though the image is a strong one. I want to be there for anyone who may need me. And so I stand in front of a difficult choice that is draining me and making me feel quite sad about the way of life. Everyone deserves a good relationship and not least my good friend! Yet, we have to take responsibility of our own lives and also make sure that our own needs are being met. Once we know that the needs we have are clear of the pursuits of the ego, there is no need to deny them and try and rationalize the situation.

It has been said that I am not originally from this world. I am only a visitor and a collector of valuable experiences about the human condition and the emotions that motivate the people of this planet. I believe this wholeheartedly, as I have felt tugging intuition for many years that there is something a little different about me and my purpose for being here. This may also explain why entering the human game and all the dramas surrounding infatuations and love seem very strange to me. I don't know what it would take for me to really fall in love! Is this a pathology or just a fact which I have no way of changing while I am in this present body? I think that however tired I am of being alone, I must do what is right for my soul and ask to meet someone who is truly understanding of my reasons for being here and who is not a stranger to the idea of ascension. Whether this be a twin flame or not doesn't strike me as being of any greater consequence. I don't like to romanticize that notion either! Anything less than a spiritually attuned partner seems to create overwhelming problems though, and what is now visible could be the top of an iceberg. I would appreciate points of view about this predicament! With love and blessings!

Artwork: "What Serves You No More", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008