What Secret?

I suppose that the craze surrounding the book and film The Secret is wearing off, but I still feel like presenting a few thoughts about the whole thing. When it came out, I went online and looked at the movie trailor and the author's website - at least I think it was her. I didn't like the hyped up energy and the way the woman in question was fixated on money. "I became a millionaire, and then a billionaire - all thanks to The Secret" I recall being her statement. Well yes... a nicely wrapped up ultra positive New Age book that encourages people to catch at a straw in a world full of stress and uncertainty is likely to get a lot of buyers. It screamed sensationalism to me. Anyway, I finally got a chance to get the book out of the library as it had been translated to Swedish. I was curious to see what exactly is in it, though I had a hunch from the very start that there was nothing that special about the concept of the law of attraction. Here is what I think.

First of all, notice that the message is packaged in a romantic sort of way that is sure to appeal to a lot of people. It reminds me of The Da Vinci Code. One thing that immediately struck me as phoney was the way the author makes references to people of the past and claims that they all knew about the secret. Where is the evidence? There is none. All that you get are some very obscure quotes by some of the people listed (Einstein, Emerson and so on) that tell you absolutely nothing and that probably were retracted from a context that had nothing to do with the message of this book. She also claims that all these famous thinkers and scientists owed their success to knowing the secret. In other words, they believed their way to success. Come on! It sure takes a bit of talent and education as well! Really! The book is really talking to us as if we are children who need to be convinced that the author knows what she's talking about and we have no right to contest this because we're somehow lesser knowing. Another thing that made me raise my eyebrows was the loose way of using the term "Spirit". The author claims that spirit is like the genie in the bottle, all ready and prepared to fulfil all of your most ardent wishes. Later on there is some talk about humans really being equal to God and thus in the position of creating the reality they want, but it's really not very good literature. Spirit as I understand it is way beyond our comprehension and certainly a very active part of existance, rather than a passive force that a human ego can control and demand.

I was a bit taken aback that the universe was likened to a postorder catalogue. All you have to do is choose your wish and send out the order. While I don't necessarily object to the profanity of the metaphor, I do think that it brings down a very complex process to a very banal level. What I feel is that there is nothing all that wrong with the concept about the law of attraction per se, the problem is that it's only representing a narrow scope of reality. Perhaps it does act as an eye opener to people who have never thought in terms of spiritual "truths" before. What I see as problematic is that people usually get stuck on the most obvious statements of this truth such as "abundance is your birthright" and "you must only think positive thoughts and make sure you're state of mind is always one of happiness and well being". These act as life buoys in an uncertain world and tend to freeze into dogmas. I have met people online who have been very eager to push these "truths" onto me although it actually does state in the book that you must never do that as it's only serving the ego. Other people have been very depressed because they failed to manifest their wishes and feel very guilty that they have negative thoughts. What I see as a big danger apart from egoistic self-gratification is severe self-blame! It actually does say in the book that you should embrace all of your feelings but it's not really coming out that clearly. The overshadowing statement is basically that you must not give into negative or doubtful thinking and feeling (this is being repeated many times though in fact there is a passage saying that one positive thought will outrule many negative ones...). This is a ticket to a very hyped up sort of positivity that is likely to undermine the work a person might be doing in order to attract what they want. You cannot command your subconscioius, negative undercurrents to disappear magically!

The bottomline is; you cannot make certain negative tendencies go away just by thinking positive thoughts. And what I really want to stress is that there is no short cut to deep insight and wisdom. I myself am the first to admit that I only learn the hard way! I simply cannot imagine myself going around faking my inner life to sound like a prayer wheel of repetitive, lovey dovey thoughts and feelings that are only about the wonderful things I have in this moment. "I have a lot of money, I have the perfect partner, I have perfect health..." are examples of the sort of affirmations that were actually very popular back in the early 1990s already. If it works for some; fine... obviously everyone must do what they feel is working for them. I just think that it would require an easily suggestive mind in order to work, and that it would feel highly unnatural. This is only my personal opinion, of course!

I think that a big problem with this sort of thinking is also the idea that all we need to do is know what we want and then ask for it. I believe that we rarely know what we truly need, and that this is way more important than wanting things. Of course, some people are here on Earth with a purpose of discovering ways in which they can attain a higher level of happiness and success, but if you're on a serious spiritual path I really don't see "wanting" as very relevant. I like to believe that I am always guided by the more higher spiritual part of me, and so whatever comes my way is there as a challenge that helps me gain a higher level of wisdom. I don't think we learn much of any value from a very easy life. If this was the case, we would probably not be on Earth, but in some other realm where there are less opportunities to experience the friction between polarities. Every dilemma that I manage to solve leaves me feeling more accomplished, and this is a deep experience that has little to do with the puny "little" self, the ego. Of course there is always the option of using spiritual insight as a way of growing the ego, but I think that the more humbled you are by life and the incredibly complex forces at work, the less likely you are to want that. I have to say that it wasn't long ago that I had an experience of surrendering part of my will to Spirit and it caused a surge of Kundalini (a strong energy current) in me.

I think that claiming that you can keep your weight only by thinking that you have your perfect weight is a bit strange. I understand the concept, and maybe it does work for some. In my case my weight depends on what I eat and how much I exercise. To manically focus on keeping it is not really my thing. I also have to say that I got through University because I believed I would. But I also got through it because it was quite important in terms of my self-esteem and my life's purpose. Manifesting something like that "just because" doesn't make any sense to me. There are also lots of people who believe they have tons of money and end up heavily indebted. Of course, if you really did what The Secret tells you would also make sure that you don't believe in being indebted or somehow change your energetic frequency to match a state of true abundance. But really... we can certainly try but how realistic is it that we would be able to juggle with so many elements that are actually subconscious, for the most part? Better, methinks, to just take a step at a time and see how things really work out on this level of reality..?

I also like to stress that people do need to talk about their own hardships, and not keep it all to themselves as The Secret suggests. It's simply very bad psychology! Dwelling on negative things incessantly is a different issue... still there's a time for everything. You also cannot force feelings of love so all the imperative talk about having to feel massive amounts of love all the time is not realistic either. First and foremost, be kind to yourself!

Some time ago I met someone who really fancied me. It seemed that I represented all the things that this guy had asked for (he confessed to having pleaded to the universe). However, there were other things there as well: I also brought a host of challenges into this guy's life. In the end he refused the good as well as the bad and went back to a more comfortable lifestyle. Perhaps I was a manifestation in this person's life? The thing is, that could very well be the case because we certainly are not islands and so oftentimes we act out a role that someone else is needing to experience. I'm sure I learnt important lessons from all this myself. But this person obviously didn't really know what he wanted, and so the scenario had to collapse. I also don't want to pretend to know exactly what was really involved in the drama. Only time and deep contemplation may reveal some of the reasons behind the encounter, but some of it may remain embedded in the unconscious forever. All I can do is try and do the right thing, which in my vocabulary means being intuitive and following thoughts and feelings with utter attention and discernment.

I also wish to give another example of the complexity of life. I became friends with a very nice woman in the spring and was hopeful about the contact. One day she texted me something very short and dismissive. I was quite hurt, and didn't hear from her all summer. Recently I deleted her from my list of Facebook friends. Suddenly I received a sincere apology from her. She was asking to be my friend and explained what exactly had happened. There was no reason for me not to accept the apology and so there is a chance that we will be able to carry on our deep conversations. But the point is; I didn't manifest her return, in fact I had negative thoughts about her. There was no direct law of attraction implied other than that me taking a decisive step made her realize that she was attracted enough to our friendship so as not to let it go!

Finally, I want to say that I think the law of attraction is really quite common sense (don't most of all realize already that we attract certain things into our lives depending on who we are?) and not some hushhush "secret"! Perhaps it's just me but I really like to live life in a natural way. To me it does not mean living an unconscious zombie like existance (cf. the state preceding the awakening suggested by The Secret), but being attentive to all that goes on inside and outside of me. It's relaxing into the real me the way this "me" is manifested by Spirit in this time and place. I don't want to control my environment or make other people become something that I want through some idea about manifesting the perfect people to surround you with. It's not easy, but that's my personal challenge.

Photo by author, all rights reserved 2009

Feelings Of Loneliness: A Sign Of The Times

Am I just imagining it, or are people actually ignoring me? I have no doubt that this is part of an issue that is pressing me greatly. My external life is reasonably calm but inside chaos reigns - thoughts and feelings relating to trust, betrayal, co-dependency, independency, loneliness, wondering whether people are competing about who is the most spiritual and ahead of others, being treated with nonchalance, being ignored, and worrying about what I am doing wrong? The days are gone when no one would disturb my peace of mind and I would just sail away with a clear conception of the reasons behind a confrontation. As it is now, I am having nightmares over relationship issues and waking up with the most excruciating anxiety that takes hours to clear. That I am just resuming my book project again after months of other concerns, probably adds to the sense of stage fright. I have to get it just right. I know I can do it but the scope of it all is overwhelming.

I have deep feelings of loneliness. Part of it may be that this time of year, I have often had company with which I have been able to go places and experience new things. Believe it or not, but summer is only now starting and I know that I must go out to be by the sea for a while before I resume my writing project in the late afternoon. The cliffs, the salty air and the water help to clear the aura. It is quite clear to me that nothing much can happen in my life until large parts of the project have been completed. I know that it is crucial that I try not to distract myself with worries regarding other people and their issues. Why assume that their unwillingness to interact with me is something personal? However, I do feel affected by it and can only conclude that there are areas in me that still hesitate to trust in other people's benevolence and where my worries about how to deal with others is still an issue. I look at groups that gather and share encouraging words and sentiments, and I feel a pang of sadness. I have been questioning whether who I am today really is bad enough for people to shun me. Maybe what I need to do is stop looking for like minded people and just accept that I don't fit in anywhere, at least not while I am still healing.

I believe my greatest learning phase is over - but I am now talking about the things that I needed to experience in order to be the catalyst that I need to be in the future. Thus I have reason to believe that things will indeed become much better in the future if I can only crawl across the threshold. Despite many difficult experiences this spring and summer I do now have a greater belief in being helped from above. Somehow my childhood feelings of inadequacy have stuck to me in the most annoyingly stubborn manner. My anxiety may be due to collective energies but it may also be a symptom of deeper processes that occur in my sleep, and they are very much connected to fears of relying on other people versus the fear of having to rely on myself alone (which is a limiting experience on the emotional and physical level). What I feel is that I have enough of loneliness and could use some nice, shared activities with others - and I do have to stress the 'activities' part because that's what's lacking the most in my present life. For many, being by themselves is blissful. Well, I don't mind being by myself but certainly not all of the time! In the connection to other people there is the element of sharing that is in my view just as valid as enjoying one's own company and creativity. When both are prevalent in equal proportions, there is harmony. Would you not agree?

I often refer to Karen Bishop's energy alerts(http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm) as they are mighty comforting. In the 1st part of the recent energy alert she says it's not uncommon to feel panicky and very much alone these days. According to her, part of it is a desire for a real sense of unity which has not been prevalent before. She also says that you might feel invisible because your energies are not aligned with that of others around you. In general, things have not settled in accordance with the higher frequencies yet, so they appear stressful and chaotic to those who are sensitive enough to pick it up. I think this is how it is with me, however in practice many old fears and disappointments cause hesitation in me as well. I can't wait to see more altruism all around, but I am unsure of what exactly I need to do in order to attract it. Truth to say I don't see things in quite that simple a way, so I feel that some or most of the lack that I see really IS there (those who see things, see things). On the other hand I know that focusing too much on it is detrimental to myself, and may tilt my life further in the direction of more loneliness.

Nothing else occurs to me except that I have to let go of my wish for true soul connection (if I can figure out how), and accept that what may come as a result of it comes as designed by the universe - it may be good or bad from my subjective point of view, but it will be real and honest. Many wish to shoot the messenger of bad news. Well, I don't really have bad news but I don't have good ones either, so I guess I get ignored... I realize that people rather do that than go through the effort of helping me figure out where the trouble is. After all it may just be a sign of the times and very much in line with Karen Bishop's description of the symptoms that occur during such dramatic changes in the collective mind. I do wish that people would share a little more about what is going on with them and not fear bringing out the truth of it all. I have noticed that many on this site are cut off from other spiritually minded people and that is one of the main reasons they hang out here a great deal. Sometimes I wonder if I am just trying too hard to fit in with spiritual online communities too.

Artwork: "Deep Cleansing", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008

Women, Relationships and the Ascension

Today is my birthday. There is no one else around but my mother who will bring a cake so that we can garnish it with whip cream and strawberries as usual. I told her that I really don't care much for presents at this time, since we are so short of money and I am trying to declutter my life so that I'll be even more ready for the new things that promise to show up soon.

Now one thing that concerns me a great deal is that I have a relationship that reliable sources say is enabling. By this they mean that I make it too easy for him to avoid taking charge of his own life. I also worry a lot for him and this is dragging me down. Under normal circumstances I would just go on as usual, and give him the fair chance that he deserves. He is trying so hard to fit into my life, and he truly wants it very badly. Yet everything that can possibly go wrong this year has been going wrong both in his personal life as well as within our relationship. I feel that I should be there for him, yet at the same time I also realize that now is a time to detach from other people's karma and the kind of problems that really affect us negatively. I feel sad and guilty for having such thoughts, yet why should I sacrifice myself? I have trouble pinpointing my feelings but it seems that what I feel for him is not the kind of love you build a relationship on, but a love based in deep friendship. I still seem to be learning about emotions!

Now for those who don't know about the events over the past few years I need to clarify a few points. First, I broke up with my first real partner a year and a half ago. I then dated a man on the internet for a few months, but he pulled out in the end, which turned out to supply me with a sense of relief... Then my current partner showed up. We talked on Skype for several months until I was able to visit him on the other side of the world. In the end I only stayed there for as long as my visa allowed me, which is three months. During this time I experienced plenty of anxiety and frustration. I didn't feel that he understood my needs and that he was quite in the dark as how to deal with me and understand what I was all about. I am not sure he tried hard enough... No doubt our months on Skype had provided him with this picture of an angel that would come to help him sort out the basic issues in his life (make better food, help create a nice home, inspire him to exercise, be there for him in times of trouble...) and it turned out that I was a real person with real needs. I have a history of disregarding my own needs and so I was trying to be really aware of this point of view in building this relationship. In the end I had to leave, as there was not enough money to support the two of us. It has a lot to do with the economics of the continent and other personal details that I cannot share here in public. Needless to say, it was a relief to come home to my red sofa and my lovely things, and have no one else demand anything from me but my picky little cats... I realized it was time for me to focus on myself now, which in fact is much supported by people like Karen Bishop who are trying to explain the workings of the ascension process.

Yesterday I was waiting for my dear male friend (the one I am talking about here) to call me as usual, but I was waiting in vain... Turns out he overslept and had to take care of things before he could call me. Due to the time difference this meant that he didn't show up until midnight my time, wanting to be the first to wish me happy birthday. By that time I was in a really bad mood. The night before I had been crying my eyes out over all sorts of strong emotional issues that revealed themselves to me. I felt enormous sadness and compassion and was no doubt going through the reality of my emotional life the way it expresses itself at this moment in time. Apparently this caused me a headache that bordered on migraine, so I did not have a very nice Sunday! Plus there was no one around even on the internet, and I felt extremely lonely after the quick but intense visit at my house of a dear old friend and her kids. As I was complaining to my male friend my internet connection suddenly went down. Now how often does this happen? I had to wait for an hour until it came back on - it was probably a case of service but it came at the worst time possible! Of course my friend was no longer available. I waited 45 more minutes and then called him on the phone, which is way too expensive for both of us. He had of course thought that I had hung up on him on purpose. So by the time I got to bed it was really late. Not a great way to start a birthday! Not that it really matters all that much at this age, yet still...

My point here is, that when things just don't seem to flow naturally, something may be wrong from a higher perspective. I have not been told that I should end my relationship, yet it has been suggested to me that this may not be the best choice of partner. My loyalty and compassion come into this scenario as real problems, since it's very hard for me to leave a wounded buddy to bleed to death... you know what I mean, though the image is a strong one. I want to be there for anyone who may need me. And so I stand in front of a difficult choice that is draining me and making me feel quite sad about the way of life. Everyone deserves a good relationship and not least my good friend! Yet, we have to take responsibility of our own lives and also make sure that our own needs are being met. Once we know that the needs we have are clear of the pursuits of the ego, there is no need to deny them and try and rationalize the situation.

It has been said that I am not originally from this world. I am only a visitor and a collector of valuable experiences about the human condition and the emotions that motivate the people of this planet. I believe this wholeheartedly, as I have felt tugging intuition for many years that there is something a little different about me and my purpose for being here. This may also explain why entering the human game and all the dramas surrounding infatuations and love seem very strange to me. I don't know what it would take for me to really fall in love! Is this a pathology or just a fact which I have no way of changing while I am in this present body? I think that however tired I am of being alone, I must do what is right for my soul and ask to meet someone who is truly understanding of my reasons for being here and who is not a stranger to the idea of ascension. Whether this be a twin flame or not doesn't strike me as being of any greater consequence. I don't like to romanticize that notion either! Anything less than a spiritually attuned partner seems to create overwhelming problems though, and what is now visible could be the top of an iceberg. I would appreciate points of view about this predicament! With love and blessings!

Artwork: "What Serves You No More", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Random Thoughts On Spirituality From January 2007

These paragraphs were written when I first went online and took part in discussions on spirituality. Since I didn't want all of my thoughts to get lost in cyberspace, I collected them and saved them, and will give them a new home here in this blog space. Again, I have changed since this text was written, but still hope someone might get something out of my musings!

On the issue of unconditional self-love

I think that these questions are at the very core of spirituality, and therefore very confusing. Most of us are at some stage of the process of comprehending what love really means, so there are conflicting feelings and thoughts involved. We are being pulled in two directions. Most of us have spiritual maturity and insight regarding certain issues but we act child-like on other issues. I think that this site contains a lot of insight! But I wonder about the idea of "looking for what you really want". That could be misleading, I think? Children "want" things. It's an ego's request for something to be entertained by or to identify with. It's easy to get all entangled in the quest for the "real" wanting as opposed to a supposedly fake wanting. I think a lot of people get stuck on that issue however much they want to be spiritual. That's just it! You also want to be spiritual. I think it's a phase, and a very needed one. It's not something you can bypass, so really, I think it's ok if you have a lot of wanting going on in your life. But maybe it's important to also bear in mind that you will eventually have to get out of that stage. You've got to "grow up". It's maybe alluring to be engaged in all the wanting, because it's entertaining you. But you're not still there. Tricky!

Personally, I find some comfort in realizing when I'm trying to entertain myself. As one of you were saying, it's okay to have negative feelings or any feelings, for that matter. The point is to take a step back and look at it. Okay, now I was grasping. Now I'm entertaining myself. Now I was feeling hatred. Now I didn't honour my heart. Sometimes we look and we don't know what the heck is going on! But gradually we get somewhere. Slowly. I don't think it can be a fast kind of revelation. If it were, then it would mean that we were very simple beings. But we are not. So it's slow, arduous, painful, oh god it can be hell sometimes. Although sometimes you might want to think that the darker it is, the closer you are? It's really dark before dawn. But I think you will learn to love and honour yourself, because evolution has to go somewhere (and it can only go in two directions, right?). In the end, whatever "the end" means (I don't know!).

I don't know a lot of things. But maybe that's good too. "Not knowing" can be a good state, a place where you give up some of your need to control and all that wanting, and try to listen to the heart instead. I think self-love just happens. You may not even recognize it for a while, because it doesn't look like the kind of love you are used to hearing about. Putting yourself first and all that obscure nonsense that so-called experts on the soul are telling us! Sorry if I'm sounding harsh but there's a lot of advice out there that doesn't suit everybody, as it all depends where you are at in your development. I think those words by Raskin were full of insight. However, the process to get to that kind of blissful state of an egoless kind of universal love is not all so nice and guey, a lot of the time. On the other hand, it's a journey, and should the goal really be more valuable than the journey itself? At least as intellectual beings we can step back and look at the pain and think "hm, that's kinda interesting"!

On the issue of activating other people's shadow-selves

Apart from a host of other problems, I find that one is particularly painful. I seem to unintentionally activate the shadow in other people (especially those of the opposite sex). I'm always alert, perceptive, inquisitive, demanding, questioning, poking and just being me. I have been raised to be polite, but it doesn't help much when that thing in me emerges. I seem to say or do just the very thing that person doesn't want to hear or acknowledge. I'm not saying that this doesn't also help me to see my own shadow and whatever behaviour requires improvement. But to always have to play the role of an adversary or a "holy fool" is not funny, but rather depressing. Does anybody recognize this in their own lives?

Later: At a point in time, if we continue on our spiritual quest, there will most likely be equanimity. A state of mind where we are no longer reactive to other people's standpoints. I think we all agree on that? However, the road to reach such almost utopian awareness sure is a bumpy one! I know we create our own reality, but on the other hand since we are all interconnected, it would seem strange if we could fly around above all of what is going on in the world and not have to get personally involved. One of my personal challenges has been to dive into the chaos of reality as perceived by the collective mind. I navigate somehow, using my common sense, my intuition, and deep thinking. I try and observe my own patterns of behaviour and seek ways to change them. Yet during this process, I also have to live and co-operate with others. I'm not the type to piss others off, not in general. But when a person has a strong mind and some perceptiveness to see what is wrong with a lot of things, and often feels disrespected, then it's hard not to put a foot down and say no, I won't accept this. It's not always the wrong thing to do. Chögyam Trungpa also says in "Cutting through spiritual materialism" that saying yes is not always the answer, sometimes saying no is going to help the other person much more. My point is, is that it's not always bad to activate somebody's shadow-self. This is what I think. I think someone has to do it so that other people's shadow-selves can come out in from the dark and be healed by the light of consciousness. Maybe even Hitler "had" to come and do what he did so that it would get people thinking more deeply about certain moral values.

The trick for most of is is surely to know when it's better not to be assertive or offensive or just whatever that could bring about bad blood, to have discernment enough to see that the person in question is not at a point where they can actually get the message. I'm thinking that there has to be some balance between our own personal-self control and a spontaneous way of being. I personally feel that both ends of the stick are detrimental. So what about the "middle way"?

I think that when you actually do know a little bit more about the deeper meaning of life and where we are heading to than a lot of people around you, then it's a really tough place to be, because more awareness kind of also implies more responsibility for your actions. No? You can't put yourself above others, because evolution is not about ego-tripping. So one has to try and tune oneself down, check the ego-issue all the time, be careful, and as one of you said, think a moment before we react. (In my case I've needed to learn to be less cautious, and actually show anger when it's appropriate and not later when I can no longer make a stand!). Still, we cannot excerpt ourselves from the humdrum and chaos of life with other people. We will be activating other people's shadow-selves, whether we like it or not. I hope I'm not just making excuses for myself but I guess this is what I meant. That there's also a mission in the fact that we influence others and help them become aware of their issues. I mean that it just happens, it's not something you can decide and say something like "well somebody had to tell you what you're doing". That would be arrogant. It's best to just be whatever you are in this moment and fix yourself as much as you can but also accept that you're playing a certain role in the game called human life. Am I making any sense ? :-)

I totally agree that we have our own reality with our own personal sets of beliefs. It's good to keep in mind that it's all relative. But we have to live in this world somehow and what often happens to good little girls (like myself) that we are being used as a doormat. That's hardly conducive to spritiual growth. So we have to make clear to ourselves what we really stand for and then actually stand for it, if under attack.

However, not all situations in life are confrontational so the activating of other people's shadow-selves can happen in a subtle way. Maybe you invested a lot of energy in a relationship and then you get dumped because you wanted to grow but the other one didn't. It hurts. But maybe the other person did learn something from the experience in the end. Who knows. All we can do is play along. But the deeper you go into opening your own heart up, the more it also hurts when you meet resistance or have to back off because you're not dealing with a situation correctly. Learning through the difficult experience of being said "no" to or being rejected even though you're doing things right (or so you think at least), or having to say "no" when somebody is manipulating you, is part of "growing up" and it hurts.

Later: It would be good to get away from the constant need of acknowledgement and positive feedback from other people. So many of us have not been seen enough as children to have a strong sense of self. Or then we are struggling for recognition for some other reason. One of my favourite quotes from a transpersonal psychologist has been "you have to be somebody before you can be nobody". No point in dreaming away about enlightenment (meaning liberation and no more ego-bonds) before we have become real persons, that is people with a sense of self. I risk sounding bookish but what I remember from Sartre's philosophy was the idea that we become somebody only in the eye of the other. I've carried that idea with me all these 20 odd years, and it helps to justify the pain that goes on in the interaction with other people. And as someone here was pointing out, it's probably a never-ending story! Or at least it is a really long story. Some of us are working a bit harder than others. I believe we made that choice on some other level of existence, but anyway, the point is that we probably need to make clear to ourselves by whatever means necessary that we have to respect each other and the level of being and understanding that the other person seems to be at. I'ts pretty obvious that without that respect the planet will go under, isn't it? I have a relationship with a person who gets very angry at some things that unassumingly jump out of my mouth. This person defends the outburst by saying that I shouldn't have said that thing in the first place. Obviously I cannot be controlling everything I say. Gee, some pardon please! Obviously this guy also cannot help that I touched on some sensitive area in his mind. We both end up feeling wronged. This is just to show how hard it can be to get out of a pattern with someone. Yes sure, I believe I should fix myself first then maybe others follow, rather than the other way around. But how can I do this? Surely I also deserve to be respected as someone who still has issues to work with. If I care about the person who acts this way in my company then the solution may not be to just walk away. I wouldn't want for people to walk out of my life just because I have a stubborn behavioural pattern.Later: I guess sometimes we are challenged in cruel ways so that our subconscious crap will really rise to the surface. Many of us have to learn to stand up for ourselves and not accpet all the shadows that other people project on us. That is maybe one way towards a greater sense of self-respect. But what is all this anyway, self-respect, self-love, self-esteem...? I think you can have a sense of self-esteem yet still be challenged in ways that are far more complicated than you could ever have dreamt of or found in a book. Very often there is a hole in the whole, a piece missing from the puzzle that makes it hard to deal with life from a standpoint of equanimity even if the elements conducive to such a viewpoint seem to be there. It would be easy to fix if you could pinpoint exactly what it is. But sometimes it's very hard to get the clues because maybe it's about really deep issues of what Truth really is.

In spiritual or psychological contexts people often recommend that you walk away from people who, as someone suggested, act as robots to certain stimuli. Sometimes it's easy to do that. But sometimes it's really hard to go, because it feels like betrayal. Maybe because we are also repeating a pattern of sticking by our parents as children, or some such incident. Or maybe because we are not really sure if we already got the lesson in its entirety. I often find that when I think I'm clear about one issue, something new and surprising pops up from the subconscious mind. So I have, seemingly at least, a choice of dealing with all that subconscious content or then turning away from the process and taking the easy road which is to look for a more pleasurable way of existance. However then I wouldn't have much to give to the world. And I think I want to contribute, after all. Try and put up with all the shadows in this "valley of the shadow of death". Continue to be strong and stand by those who are also unfortunate and in need of support. I can't leave a fellow soldier to die in the warzone. I wonder if it's really bad to be a martyr? To want so much to help that you are willing to risk your own wellbeing and comfort?

On the issue of sacrifice

How can we always know what our highest moral values are? It's not always so easy to be in touch with Truth. Our judgment is being clouded by so many emotions, not least personal traumas from the past. I'd love to be able to say "thus spoke my heart". But I'm not sure it's my heart that's speaking. How can I be 100% sure? A lot of maniacs are preaching all kinds of things based on what they think their heart or their God is telling them, but it doesn't mean it's of any practical value or conducive to a positive evolution. The same with sacrifice. How exactly are we supposed to define sacrifice? Sometimes I don't get what I want, I get what my soul needs instead. But at the moment when I feel distraught that I'm not getting something, it may feel like sacrifice. It of course doesn't mean that on the basis of that experience I will go out into the world and preach that sacrifice is a virtue either :-/.

My boyfriend has to take care of his traumatized kid. In fact he has to sacrifice his personal life because it's against his moral values to put the kid in a foster home. Thus he has to sacrifice his care for me. He has nowhere to put the kid for even a few days, so he cannot leave his home and pursue other interests, such as seeing me. Then there is me. The future is not known. I have no guarantees that I will ever get what I feel that I need with this guy, because he happened to put a child into this world. Should he be "punished" for having been so "stupid" as to make a baby with his ex-wife who turned out to be a luney? Should I so easily turn my back because right now the times are bad and our shadows are emerging due the stress? Who knows, maybe it's a one in a lifetime chance to fix some old trauma such as co-dependency? When can we ever ask for guarantees? Maybe it's all the wanting and the asking for guarantees that make us truly unhappy, not just the lack of the physcial prescence of someone we care about? Sometimes when we suffer the reward actually comes later. How are we supposed to know? It cannot always be there, in the here and now. The mutual exchange is not always equal to equal in the present moment either.

Should we always abandon people because they make our lives more uncomfortable? What if your loved one is suddenly in a wheelchair. How easily would you abandon them? Or if they go into a coma that can last for god knows how long. Will you be unfaithful during that time?

I just don't see these things as simple choices at all. Maybe my mind is too screwed up. Or maybe my heart is telling me to wait, don't follow your immediate urges. Stay and listen... and in time you may see things that you were not able to anticipate. They could be good things? I've had to put up with discomfort all my life so I know what it is like. I cannot kill my body so there's not much to do about it, but to accept. It is bloody hard. But I don't know if it makes me a more stubborn person in a good or a bad way? Maybe I'm too used to it to understand anything else. On the issue of envy

I think I can say that I am not an envious person. And that is in a country with a people noted for that particular vice. Well, I don't think I ever wanted to swap minds with anybody else. Maybe that's what helped. I felt I was doing enough, working enough, being more or less smart enough. However. As I'm getting older I find myself having traces of envious thoughts. Weird residue from my shadow-self comes up. That's because I'm feeling pressure to fit in with society. More so than ever. And I've struggled with my physical ailments for so long. I'm getting tired of seeing such fit and radiant people all over the place! I'm starting to wish that I could have some of all that success... I've worked so hard, I've earned it! To think that the reward will come later and will be so much more satifsfying for being deep and spiritual, well, when is that day ever to come? A person is happy in relation to his or her environment. If you're gloomy and everybody else is, too, then it's not so bad. If you're gloomy (or sick or poor) but those around you are not, then it's like being in hell! The same with envy; you may not be envious because you are bad in some way, but because others seem better. it's all relative. Maybe it helps to bear that in mind? And maybe to try and stick to people who don't activate a feeling in you that life is unfair and you are less succesful than they are. Or ask yourself if you would really like to be them? Brrrr! At least it's a thought that puts me off altogether, regardless my physical appearance and lack of health.

Later: If you consider that all of us have limitless amounts of potential, then it's really hard to be envious and greedy! I have everything I need to succeed with whatever I'm meant to succeed with, and anyway all that is not really always just up to what I want or what I think about myself as an individual living a certain life. I always think well, the challenges I have is my karma and all I can do is try to fix it. Why bother with craving for something other people have? I might get those things in the end or I might not. I think believing that we create our own reality can be misleading because yes, I think we do create it, but there's also so much in our subconscious mind that direct us. No way can we control our life. Best let go of the control and let life take it's course, and rely on our higher self and intuition to keep us from more trouble. Life just is, life creates itself, hop in the carriage and try to keep your horse on the road, but don't obsess. Well, that's just some of my thoughts anyway.

The idea about getting taxes is probably based in greed and envy like a lot of other things in society. Like the idea that the state shouldn't give too much to the poor because then they would get lazy and not fix their own situation. This is not an assumption, it really is how the authorities (and other people) usually think. Actually some new research proves the opposite. When you feel that people are generous towards you, you feel happier and more motivated to get going with your own life. The barrier of greed and envy can be very very daunting and have a paralyzing effect on those who are less fortunate.

Later: Nothing new under the sun... The age-old issues are always coming out in new versions by new generations. Hopefully we're starting to get somewhere, though! :-/

Well, my ailments are purely physical and the rest is hypersensitivity about the ways of the world, but if I could rely on my mind only I would be a happy person indeed. However, my body has taught me to respect boundaries, and how boundaries actually make us more creative beings. To work with a limited amount of tools is truly challenging, and usually produces more creative results than limitless capacity and access to "everything" (I used to do research on creativity). There is hardly any sense in anything if there are no boundaries? At least from the human perspective?

Boundaries are interesting also from the point of view of greed and envy. Personally, I'm a lover of abundance (or rather, opulence) and don't believe in ascetism. Still, in my own life the kind of abundance that I would appreciate is lacking. I feel like an idiot because I cannot figure out why. I must be missing something glaringly obvious. Is it again a lesson of boundaries? That sometimes people cannot have it all. That even if we have limitless amounts of know-how in a deeper and "higher" sense, then on the physical level it's not always possible to manifest all that. For any number of reasons such as karma, environment, collective issues, and so on. I guess I feel that not only should we respect our higher selves and believe in its power, but also respect the lower self with its scary and chaotic sub consciousness and limiting effect on our lives (including our bodies and our physical environment, of course). To learn to work with the lower level can be as big a challenge as learning to work with the higher levels. On the issue of fearI would normally have bypassed a thread dealing with aliens or whatever the "Others" may be called, but am glad I read it after all. The level of the discussion was really high. It's a tricky thing to grasp the idea of oneness, but my own experience is that once it becomes clear, then it explains a lot, a lot, a lot... maybe everything.

I agree that we shouldn't be bashful about presenting the real person behind the words. After all, we all have a personality for the very sake of expressing it, don't we? And all we have really are subjective points of view that we can agree or disagree on. Discussions for and against can become clinical without a touch of humanness in them... I learned early on to suppress my feelings but I felt quite clear on a mental and spiritual level. It was weird because I didn't feel grounded, yet I had no fears. The fears came when I opened up my emotional deposits and was pretty much swamped by them. There is enormous power in the content of the subconscious mind. Yet by suppressing it we can never become whole, as it won't disappear. Most of the time it's about the beliefs that have arisen from the perceptions which have become distorted beyond recognition. My suggestion would be to keep the beliefs fairly simple, because then you are less likely to get lost in them and be overwhelmed by all kinds of irrational fears.

We don't have to look far to see the "devil". The more you open up your heart, the more perceptive you become. This is anyway how I see it. There's a very fearful time when it's very difficult to tell what fears are real and what are not. I think most people try to avoid getting themselves into that kind of a state. But personally, I felt I had to go through all that, it just had to be done, like springcleaning. Let us try to stick to Earth and mostly deal with fears that are close to us on the physical level. Things we can see and that are easy to agree on. To give power to fears about abstract things is in my opinion a hazard. It is so hard to have a good frame of reference. I'd like to say "reliable" frame of reference, but I guess it's hard to find anything really reliable in this world! Try to stay grounded and always in touch with your own inner self, with your heart and your common sense in conjunction. That would be my advice to anyone who feels insecure (I still do, but I survive!). Ok. Phew, that was it. Hopefully enough for a while. I'm sorry I had eliminated all the great comments that were made by other zaadster during the process of writing these things, but I tried to compress this text to my own views only. God, I take myself too seriously and I think way too much. I should loosen up a bit! :-)

Artwork: Abstract Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved, copyright 2007