Feelings Of Loneliness: A Sign Of The Times

Am I just imagining it, or are people actually ignoring me? I have no doubt that this is part of an issue that is pressing me greatly. My external life is reasonably calm but inside chaos reigns - thoughts and feelings relating to trust, betrayal, co-dependency, independency, loneliness, wondering whether people are competing about who is the most spiritual and ahead of others, being treated with nonchalance, being ignored, and worrying about what I am doing wrong? The days are gone when no one would disturb my peace of mind and I would just sail away with a clear conception of the reasons behind a confrontation. As it is now, I am having nightmares over relationship issues and waking up with the most excruciating anxiety that takes hours to clear. That I am just resuming my book project again after months of other concerns, probably adds to the sense of stage fright. I have to get it just right. I know I can do it but the scope of it all is overwhelming.

I have deep feelings of loneliness. Part of it may be that this time of year, I have often had company with which I have been able to go places and experience new things. Believe it or not, but summer is only now starting and I know that I must go out to be by the sea for a while before I resume my writing project in the late afternoon. The cliffs, the salty air and the water help to clear the aura. It is quite clear to me that nothing much can happen in my life until large parts of the project have been completed. I know that it is crucial that I try not to distract myself with worries regarding other people and their issues. Why assume that their unwillingness to interact with me is something personal? However, I do feel affected by it and can only conclude that there are areas in me that still hesitate to trust in other people's benevolence and where my worries about how to deal with others is still an issue. I look at groups that gather and share encouraging words and sentiments, and I feel a pang of sadness. I have been questioning whether who I am today really is bad enough for people to shun me. Maybe what I need to do is stop looking for like minded people and just accept that I don't fit in anywhere, at least not while I am still healing.

I believe my greatest learning phase is over - but I am now talking about the things that I needed to experience in order to be the catalyst that I need to be in the future. Thus I have reason to believe that things will indeed become much better in the future if I can only crawl across the threshold. Despite many difficult experiences this spring and summer I do now have a greater belief in being helped from above. Somehow my childhood feelings of inadequacy have stuck to me in the most annoyingly stubborn manner. My anxiety may be due to collective energies but it may also be a symptom of deeper processes that occur in my sleep, and they are very much connected to fears of relying on other people versus the fear of having to rely on myself alone (which is a limiting experience on the emotional and physical level). What I feel is that I have enough of loneliness and could use some nice, shared activities with others - and I do have to stress the 'activities' part because that's what's lacking the most in my present life. For many, being by themselves is blissful. Well, I don't mind being by myself but certainly not all of the time! In the connection to other people there is the element of sharing that is in my view just as valid as enjoying one's own company and creativity. When both are prevalent in equal proportions, there is harmony. Would you not agree?

I often refer to Karen Bishop's energy alerts(http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm) as they are mighty comforting. In the 1st part of the recent energy alert she says it's not uncommon to feel panicky and very much alone these days. According to her, part of it is a desire for a real sense of unity which has not been prevalent before. She also says that you might feel invisible because your energies are not aligned with that of others around you. In general, things have not settled in accordance with the higher frequencies yet, so they appear stressful and chaotic to those who are sensitive enough to pick it up. I think this is how it is with me, however in practice many old fears and disappointments cause hesitation in me as well. I can't wait to see more altruism all around, but I am unsure of what exactly I need to do in order to attract it. Truth to say I don't see things in quite that simple a way, so I feel that some or most of the lack that I see really IS there (those who see things, see things). On the other hand I know that focusing too much on it is detrimental to myself, and may tilt my life further in the direction of more loneliness.

Nothing else occurs to me except that I have to let go of my wish for true soul connection (if I can figure out how), and accept that what may come as a result of it comes as designed by the universe - it may be good or bad from my subjective point of view, but it will be real and honest. Many wish to shoot the messenger of bad news. Well, I don't really have bad news but I don't have good ones either, so I guess I get ignored... I realize that people rather do that than go through the effort of helping me figure out where the trouble is. After all it may just be a sign of the times and very much in line with Karen Bishop's description of the symptoms that occur during such dramatic changes in the collective mind. I do wish that people would share a little more about what is going on with them and not fear bringing out the truth of it all. I have noticed that many on this site are cut off from other spiritually minded people and that is one of the main reasons they hang out here a great deal. Sometimes I wonder if I am just trying too hard to fit in with spiritual online communities too.

Artwork: "Deep Cleansing", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008

Dealing With The Anxiety Of Releasing Our Old Life

It is strangely quiet all around. I suppose many are ruminating, contemplating, reflecting... and that is wonderful. Now if ever is a good time to ponder our set beliefs and question our conditioning. It is also a time that brings feelings of distress to the surface. I am sure that many of us feel embarrassed about it! Shouldn't we be stepping up the ladder already and not wollop about all sorts of things that are not even any of our own business... However, Karen Bishop explains it quite eloquently. We must not meddle with other people's paths but allow them to find their own inner stability and realization. This to me is a very painful process, as I have always felt a great need to assist and guide as much as I humanly can. Now I have to step back and watch all the misery that surround me without interfering. I think that what I feel is an anxiety based in compasssion on the one hand and disappointment of having to let go of things that didn't work out on the other. It is strange that the more you let go, the harder it seems to become, because the uncertainty and emptiness becomes ever more obvious. And then the waiting... the knowledge that there is nothing one can do but wait. Meanwhile all sorts of thoughts and feelings pass by and one must be vigilant not to allow them to hook up within you so that you get more bogged down than necessary. Still things of the past suddenly show up and shake you in a way that it never did back THEN! All I can say is that increased awareness of one's own emotional life enhances the sense of vulnerability, however without the benefit of being able to see the bigger picture yet.

For a while I was getting verification that all my secret intuitions of this life were indeed signs of insight and knowledge and not haphazard. Things that I suspected but had no way of confirming are now coming true. However, now, most of the time, it's all just quiet... in an almost spooky, ominous way. Occassionally there are some new things coming in, information that is totally unexpected. Many of us are wallowing in a sea of uncertainty, where many basic things are really hard to deal with. Even staying put as Karen Bishop suggests is hard, because it enhances the feeling of waiting and the impatience that follows thereupon. I do feel very strongly that allowing things to be without the urge to control one's life with too much assertion is very important right now. This she has been suggesting as well, and I wholeheartedly agree. I feel guilty to feel anxious of all this emptiness and the need of holding back on things that I feel tempted to affect in one direction or another. But I think there is nothing else we can do at this time. I thought I knew about all this already but apparently the sense of urgency and energetic infiltration is ever more present and causing ever more inner pressure! There is not much to hold onto and this we must accept! The new cannot enter unless we stop seeking ways of releasing our anxiety instead of releasing our old life!

All I can say is... be careful what you wish for, and what you think of yourself... I hope this artwork brings some thoughts to mind. It's called "Who Will Get The Rose?" (collage on paper 2008, all rights reserved).

Who is truly pure at heart?