Honouring Negative Experiences and the Realness of the Illusion

In order that what I'm saying in this post would make sense, one needs to know what I mean by illusion versus reality. You need to postulate, that ultimately human beings are not just limited physical beings, but limitless beings of love. Limited existance here on Earth would thus be a sort of illusion. A lot of people tend to dismiss experience on this level as "only illusion", however. I rather promote a paradox which allows for this reality to hold a quality of "reality" as well. Really what I mean is that they are two sides of the same coin. I can't go into that in detail now since I have other things in mind, but this is the starting point.

Most people really want to live in lala-land. Which is perfectly understandable, since no one wants to suffer. While poverty and misery may help some in understanding deeper truths about life, it's not a virtue and really causes more negativity in the world. The well-to-do don't always realize it just as they don't realize a lot of things that compromises their comfort in the present moment, but their reluctance to take action to help change things will eventually creep up on them. Well, in many countries the rich are already living in their highly protected residences and the nature of the problem is pretty obvious to the onlooker, however in the Nordic countries this scenario hasn't quite hit home yet.

The smorgasbord kind of religion or spirituality that the New Age is, is particularly attractive to the Western middle class. The reasons are surely obvious; these people have the luxury to sit and ponder the meaning of their individual success on all levels of life and have the means to do research in order to find the particular tailored spiritual brand that suits them the best. They have the money to participate in all kinds of specialized workshops and seminars. Because their lives are already reasonably affluent, they can imagine a sort of paradise on Earth rather than in the after life. There's nothing wrong with all this, but we need to keep Maslow's hierarchy of needs in mind. There are plenty of people who don't have access to this sort of spirituality. They are stuck in the kind that is offered by their particular environment and limited to spending only a minimal amount of time and energy to pondering the deeper meaning of their belief system. They usually also don't have the education to understand the value of questioning social and/or religious authorities. I'm only saying this because it's easy to forget the 90% of the population who are really poor and unpriviliged. If you don't belong to this group, you tend not to want to know about it, because it's a threat to a sense of security that may nontheless not have much basis in reality. I'm not saying that there aren't some New Agey sort of people who have a real grip on things and also find a sense of security in an honest and true relationship with the "higher dimensions" or Source or whatever you wish to call it. However, I'm not so sure there are that many. Most people are really just enclosed in their safeguarded residences where they can share their visions as well as illusions with likeminded people.

Who am I to make this sort of judgment call? Well, one reason is that there have been very few people who have been able to make a real difference in my own life. I've had to find out the hard way that most people around really are very "middle class" regardless whether they are ordinary agnostics-or-atheist-or-passive Christians or "consciously spiritual"-or-New Age-or-Buddhist - these are the groups that I've been in touch with personally so I won't venture to talk about people with other forms of belief systems. It means that in general they love the comfy clichés and stereotypes that they can resort to in order to make it seem as if life is under control. Of course, clichés exist because there's a hint of truth in them, albeit they have frozen into a mold that is applied on all and sundry. These people love handing out advice about other people's attitudes, because that way they feel that they are under no obligation to actually do anything concrete. Whether people like to preach about a subjective form of spirituality according to which people have only their own bad attitude to blame for their misery or whether they just like to blame others in general, the burden of other people's suffering is always pushed away from themselves. They don't want to get their hands dirty so by talking about "attitude" rather than real life problems, they can live with the illusion that they are doing something good in the world. Of course, not all people are only doing this, some actually do also act on occasion. But in that case it's mostly for money. Few want to risk their sense of physical security.

What I'm describing here is really quite a nice life, and it allows for plenty of theories that continue to keep the illusions going. For instance, people love Tolle's "Power of Now". While what he presents are old viewpoints that have been said many times before, it's really quite a comfortable attitude that can lull you into believing that no concrete action needs to be taken. And I also wonder how to tell this attitude apart from the hedonistic attitude about living the here and now without concern for consequences? While I can sense the difference, I wonder if everyone can. Self-help authors usually become popular only if they offer a confirmation that a comfortable life style really is quite okay and you don't really need to sacrifice any of it for other people. So where does it leave us? Well, people may be finding personal fulfillment but how long does it last? If people were really present in the Now they wouldn't look to 2012 for changes, but act on the problems that exist right now. Again I'm sure there are people who understand all this, I'm just worried about the others... and I'm also concerned that narcissism is getting the better of people.

In reality, not many are there for other people. Even mother Theresa is said to have been a fake. It's amazing how many people buy into the myth about her without questioning whether it's true or not. So you only have yourself in the end. I know, it sounds like a cliché. But what I want to say is that the image people have of the sole survivor and the strong individual who survives all of life's adversities like a true hero is bullshit. People just don't want to look at misery and acknowledge that not all endings are happy endings. If they did, the illusion about their own comfort would be challenged. Now I personally don't want to watch movies that have unhappy endings, it really is distressing. So I understand this tendency in human beings. Problems arise when denial is on all the time and people can't really tell fiction from reality. Of course, the more overwhelming misery in the world is getting, the more people will want to be in denial. All this is normal but problematic nonetheless. One does wonder if this particular nightmare will ever end?

What is the cure for this state of affairs? Some would say "ascension" and I can't really rebuke that in any way. I just think it's a bit funny that some wait for divine intervention while they cross their hands. Whatever the case may be, it seems to me there really is only one way of really getting in touch with reality, and that is learning about life the hard way. As a spiritual person, you may think that you understand the deeper issues of life and understand that this 3D reality is not "reality" but an illusion, however only when they get so painful and tormenting that you can absolutely not doubt their realness, then you actually learn something. Understanding that life without love is an illusion is one thing, but seeing that its opposite is every bit as real is in my opinion to have a real understanding of things. As I have always pleaded, it's about paradoxes. You can't sit in your residence like an armchair philosopher and understand what life is really about by thinking about it only. It just doesn't work. Of course love is important, but I see it more as a complement rather than a cure-all (strategy and action "male style" is every bit as valid in this reality as the exchange of positive vibes "female style"). So even if you know that what you're going through is an illusion (and really you're bloody fortunate if you do), if it doesn't feel absolutely real all the same you are not "getting it". When I realized this I understood why all my negative feelings are valid. They are the simple result of the fact that one's life's struggle appears so very freaking real that one feesl like killing oneself (not saying I will but only that the deeper into the "illusion" you go, the more it hurts and the more you want out of it at any price). You get that close to self-destruction not because you are living a negative illusion of life, but because it torments and haunts you more than anything you could ever imagine in an armchair in a comfortable residence or a totally different dimension. Honouring the fact that your spirit has agreed to limit itself so much that this experience has become possible is surely the first step towards a really useful enlightenment. And who knows, many an "enlightened" spirit may be walking around without having any means of proving that they actually are. While we do need to strive towards a happier outlook on life, the experience of many negative feelings may sometimes be a doorway to a deeper understanding of the problems that other people are experiencing. If nothing else, it helps you take action rather than remain a dull preacher. And of course, ultimately an experience is just an experience. What's the use of hell if nobody goes there, eh? ;-)

Artwork: Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2009

Save Yourself!

One rather predominant experience in my personal life this year has been that of opening up to various people only to get shunned and rejected. I've tried to carry this phenomenon graciously and see what it has to teach me. Oh, I'm not going to claim that my heart is not bleeding, but one has to get on with life and keep the flame of hope alive. One thing I discovered was that despite my independent allure and desire to be free from the dependency of other people, a part of me was secretely wishing that someone would "save" me just a little. That's because, on the one hand I miss company and on the other, I am at the end of my rope concerning a lot of my life's issues. I am cornered in many ways and need to break free, but have not found a door as yet.

This is just a quick outline of some fundamental spiritual issues, but I hope it still makes some sense. The idea of needing to be saved is very potent in our world. If you take a look at Christianity, one of the main dogmas is the idea that Christ is your saviour. As I see it, it's just a big misunderstanding supported by religious authorities who wished to gain more power over lay people. If one were to understand Christ's talk about being the way towards liberation in a more symbolic way, the dualistic concept of Christ and God being somehow separated from the rest of humanity might disappear. Our reality appears dualistic, and our minds are programmed to think in terms of contrasts and comparisons in order to make sense of it. However, it's not impossible to transcend this habit and start to embrace contradictions. If you practice by sometimes not choosing camps but looking at things from opposite perspectives as well, you will probably find that they are also true. If truth is fundamentally speaking relative, then the idea of a basic (ontological) state of ONENESS also looks more plausible. My point is, Christ is not going to save you, but you will save yourself through your own "Christ consciousness", the aspect of yourself that is in touch with the things that Christ represented. I'm sorry if anyone finds this blasphemeous, but this is how I and many others see it.

Notice how the movie industry dwells on the concept of people saving each other. The most obvious scenario is the one in which people are in a tough spot but are then being saved by someone who enters their life, offering love and sometimes also material comfort. I recently saw "Nights in Rodante" with Diane Lane and Richard Gere, and at the end Diane even says that the two of them saved each other through their love. All this looks great on the outside, but consider the fact that by allowing someone to save you you're giving away your power! In fact, you put yourself at the mercy of other people when you entertain this sort of fantasy!

I personally don't have a problem with the understanding of paradoxes as a key to a broader and deeper understanding of reality, but I also realize that in a paradoxical sort of way you can't just eliminate the mind's functions. For instance, being judgmental ("this is good, that is bad") is a way of making sense of reality and creating interesting and fruitful thoughts. Thoughts can be dull and automatic, or they can be creative. The creative ones bring us further on our path and help us develop as human beings. Either way, these processes are always based in judgment. You might also notice, that if you start judging your judgmental thoughts, they will only become more persistant. So in the end all we can do is find an accepting and maybe even loving attitude towards this state of affairs. It's true that the solution to our fundamental problems of the mind may not be found through the mind itself, however creative thinking is a fantastic tool on the road to self-discovery, discernment and a deep sense of self-satisfaction!

In my own process, I'm trying to lay out all the ways in which I've felt rejected in my life. It turns out to be quite a persistant pattern that even includes the feeling of being rejected by this country (I'm a social reject). Going back a couple of generations in order to see what pattern has been inherited from the past, it's clear that my mother was never granted a feeling of being welcomed to the world and given all the love and material comforts that she deserved. The important thing here is that she was at the mercy of other people who did not grant her the things that they should and could have given her so that she would have grown up to be a strong and succesful individual. I remember having very distinct feelings of anger at being at my mother's mercy when I was a child. From that time onward the pattern has perpetuated itself. I'm always at the mercy of someone else's benevolence. This is a truly chilling discovery!

Because the feeling of being dependent on others is so forceful, it's natural that it turns into a secret wish to be saved in some way or another. This is the fallacy that I wish people would wake up to. I'm not sure how to fix this state of affairs, but taking back one's power seems crucial. It can be a very difficult and complex process if you're entangled in various constellations that tie you down and prevent you from just getting up and leaving. But as always, there has to be a way!

I realize my challenge is a very deep and crucial one and I have reason to believe that I will eventually figure it out. Profound issues don't necessarily disappear in the blink of an eye; they often take time to be resolved. That is, it seems like a long time from our perspective, but in relation to the rest of existance (from a higher perspective, so to speak) it's not a long time at all.
Meanwhile, there's a great deal of emotional turmoil inside. Many feelings I've made great efforts to transmute and have felt partly succesful in doing so. Because I have had to learn about emotions very late in life, it's been all the more intense. Though at times I can see that things have advanced, all the experiences of being rejected and feeling suppressed by people I involuntarily have to depend on have caused a great deal of anxiety. I'm afraid I might be getting asthma because I can't breathe properly. I also have increasing problems eating and my stomach is quite upset. I hope and believe all this will go away eventually but I truly don't see a way of speeding up the process (the sensations are very compelling). I have only so much capacity to deal with things.

Another aspect of the rejection theme is that we may not be on the same level of spiritual maturity as people that we approach or that initially feel attracted to us. I do realize, that those who have not been willing to join me in my life right now were not of the same frequency as myself and might never have been able to "catch up". Of course, I approached them because I liked them and felt something for them (I opened my heart at least partly), but despite their good hearts there were major discrepancies on the level of spiritual and psychological insight. I'm not saying they may not have been more accomplished than myself as well, but my experience has been that of trying to lower my expectations of others. My complexity, depth and ability to use my own brain has then scared people away. I also have had trouble feeling trust so maybe I don't appear so accessible. I no longer want to settle for half-hearted relationships that don't feel satisfying, and so the signals I'm sending out might be daunting. I keep wishing that they'd give me a chance, while I'm not sure I am able to give them a chance (in other words, a catch 22 that shows how futile looking for love on the outside really is)!

The sense of not being able to occupy the same space as others has increased. At the same time I'm not quite ready yet to sit there on my own with a sense of "deep self-satisfaction" and send out unconditional love to everyone. In any case, other people's example may not be mine at all. I read Karen Bishop's latest newsletter (granted, I have trouble reading as I need new glasses and that has posed some more challenges in my life right now). I was quite baffled at what she says - according to her, the cream of the spiritual "elite" will ascend inspite of the fact that other human beings have not been able to raise their energy levels as expected (I could have told her it might be impossible, haha...). She's the only channeller or spiritual counsellor that has aroused some of my curiousity, so I've followed her postings about the global mindshift. However, I wonder who she's really writing for, because surely the people who are way evolved and ready to "ascend" don't really need her information? So... people on "the lower rungs" are obivously not reading her stuff and that leaves us with people in the middle. Those who are feeling jitterish and anxious right now just like myself. But are they eligable for the "new space" she's talking about? I feel like I'm really dangling somewhere inbetween, very willing indeed to move forward but not sure I'm supposed to be among the cream at the top (my soul may have other plans for me, so to speak). I feel reasonably patient with my own process and don't have an agenda in mind. Still... not knowing what to expect is quite nerve wrecking. Not knowing what to believe when you read such data is bad as well!

The point is, however, to remove oneself from the sphere of other people's power and authority. Even some innocent looking spiritual writings can be very compelling and cause more insecurity about who one is or is supposed to be. If you read things such as the newsletter I mentioned then you may be giving your power away. Well, even reading this may give your power away. But then I'm really hoping to inspire people to think for themselves. There is no need to believe everything I say! I may be saying that only you can save yourself, but it's really only my opinion.

Artwork: "Who will get the Rose?", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Bed of Nails - Relaaax... and Pick Your Nails!

What's the point in bringing out my point of view when it's all so very relative and this persona was created for this life's purposes only? And who really cares about your journey other than yourself? Many certainly pretend to care but their eager advice usually serves a selfish purpose; one thing that you get for free is unsolicited advice, and an abundance of it. Love and genuine concern (which for instance may take the form of authentic sharing and the abolishing of secrecy) is not as easy to come by.

At times one is engrossed in one's dramas, at times it all seems futile and transience is more than obvious! Well, in any case it's a very compelling reality and knowing what turn to take and how to manoeuvre the car can put ants in your head. Rather than seeking change as I always have I try and keep things simple so as to protect myself from the very familiar feelings of being overwhelmed. And I try and stay away from people because I simple cannot understand why some people want stuff from me and others seem as if they wouldn't touch me with a barge pole. And of course; some people are just nice in a comfortable sort of way. But I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. The whole issue of manifesting a better life is also a bit too complex right now so I just try not to worry my head too much. I assume that my purpose is what it always has been, I just have to regain some physical, emotional and spiritual strength. It takes a bit because so many unexpected and weird ego issues have plagued me for a while.

Life is like a bed of nails which is initially painful but often pleasant once you've relaxed and let it happen. The trick is to overcome the fear of the pain. The repition which is so typical of this reality is for better and for worse. It can obviously be made to work for you but sometimes it takes time. Goodness, we are all so very different. There are no rules to go by that would apply to all of us.

The other day I was wondering if witnessing my own self and witnessing people around me is any different?

I noticed that people in other countries may not know about the acupressure mats or "bed of nails" that have now spread around the Nordic countries. I can certainly recommend it, as I sleep better if I lie on it before bed. My back and neck have been more sore than usual this month. Mine is called "Shakti" and has these white round plastic pieces that you lie on. Others look different. I suggest people look it up on the internet as they do sell them online and also give instructions in English. It seems to me a rather simple way of helping yourself. Whether it really activates the acupoints or simply stimulates the blood flow is of little consequence as long as it helps you relax. Good luck!

Relaaax... and pick your nails!

Photo: "Relaaaaax... and pick your nails!", copyrighted by author 2009

How One's Self-Esteem Can Be Systematically Undermined

Some issues of bad self-esteem may not stem from one's childhood.

It seems to me a fairly easy task to write a best selling self-help book on a continent where so many people share the language, marketing techniques have been refinded to a rather aggressive art, and people want fast results and a guidebook for each area in life. A book with at least a similar kind of content would in my country at best provide an author with bread on the table for a year or two. Is it any wonder, then, that one of the greatest avenues for getting rich in America is through writing a self-help book? I guess I'm pretty much repeating myself here because I am so up to my ears with a lot of the self-righteous talk that you have to listen to a lot of the time. I apologize to those who are reading my complaints and feel pinned down and trust that you understand that I am not picking on individuals. I am just weary of dominanant tendencies that are obviuosly unhealthy. Anyway, let me explain a bit if I may. I apologize if I sound whiney today though.

A book is something you can avoid. People can indeed avoid my blog too! But you can't avoid the marketing and the people on the internet who are only trying to make fast money. I find that there's a vast amount of people on the internet who are energy vampires, sucking you empty in no time if you don't immediately block their access to you. It's heavy to make so many decisions about others every day. One has to guard oneself a little against a lot of imperative statements and demands. When I opened the book that made Eckhart Tolle famous on Oprah I read that you shouldn't watch TV. I put it down straight away. I can't deal with that sort of imperative talk anymore. And anyway, why not talk about the internet just as well? It's just as ambiguous in its virtues and vices. I never understood people who didn't have a natural instinct to get away from something when there's an overload. I get that with TV, the internet, food; even with the making of art. I did in fact hear in a documentary that 60-70% of all addicted people get over their addictions all by themselves, when the time is right. To put everyone in the same junkie bag is not fair, but society does love generalizations.

Psychotherapy is still mostly concerned with childhood traumas and finding the reasons why someone's self-esteem is low in adult age. I come from a dysfunctional background so I'm aware that there are areas in me that are weaker than others. In general my self-esteem has been fairly good, though. I went through a lot of training in various areas because I believed in myself. When I had entered adulthood I also became aware that I had a lot of trust in my intuition and possible higher aspects of myself that would guide me to make choices that would be beneficial to my growth. The occasional set back in the arena of relationships was easy to understand, but I figured my mistakes were showing me what wounds to heal.

However, something happened when I was granted disability and also went through a bad burn out. The relationship I entered nearly killed me off, and I'm not joking. I looked anorectic though I was eating properly at the time, simply because I was using so much excess energy trying to manage the relationship to a choleric boyfriend and his troubled pre-pubertal son. When it ended I knew I was in for a crash-down. The anxiety of having to move out of a home and a life-style that had after all provided me with a sense of security and pre-occupied my mind in order to move into a completely different form of living in the middle of a forest, was among the worst sensations I've ever had. I was literally going through wave upon wave of ice cold ripples of shock. I knew I was in for something really bad. And I was. I was a complete wreck; traumatized, burned out and trapped. This was four years ago.

I suddenly had no sense of basic security. The house I was and am still living in was a cheap cardboard box type of construction and the electric heating forced me to apply for money every month from the social security. I used to live in old sturdy apartmentbuildings with central heating. The new arrangment proved fatal in every way: I felt very insecure living close to the ground with big windows, which I was not used to, and the social security did everything in their might to undermine my sense of self-worth. The doctors treated me like a junkie because I had insomnia and someone on whom physical rehabilitation would be wasted because my condition can't be cured. All in all, there was no real help to be gotten other than some supportive talks with a specialist nurse about once a month. I can understand that some of my ancient insecurities resurfaced during this time period but I am also wondering how much damage was being made to me by my ex who pushed me beyond my abilities, the circumstances, and the people who treated me like a second rate citizen with no rights other than to breathe the air of this town on the South coast of Finland.

Many other things happened during this time that were not beneficial to me, for instance some pretty awful attempts at dating and an attempt to go back to my old relationship. At one point when I got an adsl line I started to renew the connection with my spiritual side by taking part in internet sites dedicated to people like me. But when The Secret came out and people started to go all crazy about the law of attraction, I was made into an easy target for their own insecurities. Let me recap; I had finished several educations through the mere force of my will despite the fact that I was chronically fatigued and in terrible pain. I had spent years and years writing a journal in which I was attempting to sort out my issues. I was really doing a good job in both areas. But once I came to this small town and had to obey to the laws of social security, I lost any means of getting out of a bad financial situation. I was trapped. Then along came all these pseudo-spiritual people with their great advice about manifesting all the health, success and money that you could possibly ever want. Most of these people actually came from America... In my naivité I didn't realize that I shouldn't ever have even breathed about problems. However, honest and straightforward about myself as I am, I did try and talk to people in order to see more alternatives and solutions to my issues. Some were understanding but many labeled me as one who likes to victimize herself. Honestly, don't we all feel a bit sorry for ourselves sometimes? Come on, have mercy - I am perhaps having one of those days today. Anyhow, any talk about how hard it really is to get out of the social trap that disability in this country puts you in, was to no avail. There were also some sneaky argument that basically made me feel more disempowered and guility. These people had no time and interest for understanding and compassion, since they were so busy justifying their own choices in favour of joy and money, and persuading others about how happy they were. In short, they demanded that I perform as if I had the abilities of a normal person.

The main rhetoric is that we are all co-creators of the universe and thus responsible for our own happiness: there is abundance in this world and any situation of poverty and suffering is merely the result of our own faulty thinking and a sense of not deserving anything better. This was no news to me at all; my thesis at the university was about this kind of New Age dogmas. The trouble was, I could not completely disagree because I could see the logic in what was being said. Unfortunately I also felt that for many of these people, science was only a great tool when it was supporting the quest for money and success and that many ancient truths had been neatly repacked and simplified for the busy modern individual. Oneness was and is a great concept but I didn't see how it could come into life in this sort of ruthless environment. Whoever came up with the guide for dummies? I bet there's a guide for dummies about the great Law of Attraction that simplifies what has already been simplified...

I have a busy mind that attempts to see many options. It's called being creative. With creativity, however, you usually get a volatile personality. The reason is that you need periods of introspection in order to allow the subconscious mind to re-evaluate things, and question current beliefs. When you look around yourself with a perceptive mind, you see quite a lot of things that are not right with the world the way it is today. It's funny that despite all the talk about the importance of co-creation and the assumption that creativity has an ontological status in this world, people don't seem to take charge of their lives in creative and unique ways but prefer following the stale dogmatics of the self-help books. I know very well that New Age people don't consider their belief-system a religion because their approach is universalist (i.e. it's that famous smorgasbord where you pick what you feel to pick). Technically speaking, there's plenty enough evidence that it does rely on a certain set of dogmas that makes it into one from the point of view of systematic science. Though I have been inspired by some parts of it and have had a lot to do with people who believe in reincarnation and constant self-assessment for greater personal growth just like me, something has always bothered me. I have no doubt that it's due to the movements reinforcment of tendencies that are noticable on all levels of life today, i.e. "me first" and "I want it now". Compassion is often rationalized into the more abstract and (paradoxically) distant concept of unconditional love, which many believe they own but don't seem to have access to when someone trods a different path and has a nerve to question these beliefs. I noticed when I was on these sites that people bothered very little with the definition of the semantics they were using and so people were talking on top of each other without any regard for the exact meaning of the words that were being used. When on the one hand people loved to use words such as "I love you" to great excess there were also elements that were clearly menacing. Each takes care of him or herself and if you miss the ascension boat, it's your own fault for not having worked hard enough towards it. I also gave an example of this in my last blog. I still wonder how someone who pretends to be a loving spirit can insinuate that "some people" (very possibly you, in other words) have succumbed to the dark forces and are in fact hampering the evolutionary shift towards a better world. The only thing one can do, according to them, is to pray by an altar that you create for this particular purpose. Unique advice, eh..?

What has become clear to me during my years online is anyway the fact that instead of building me up as one expected them to, these groupings have helped undermine my own sense of self and my self-esteem. Not that anyone meant to on purpose, of course... but there's ignorance and its ugly head. I know that this statement can be met by plenty enough arguments. For instance: I'm resisting, I am not practicing spirituality the way it should be done, I'm not following any self-help methods, I am not positive enough, I focus on problems instead of the solutions, I am not disciplined enough to change my attitudes, I don't allow myself to be alone in silence and develop more love of self and God, and so on. But you know what? I am bloody tired! I have worked very hard all my life to succeed, to be a better person, to take the blame or the responsibility for my misfortunes, to open up my energies, to take care of my health as much as possible despite the poverty, to declutter every area in my life, to express abundance in everything I do (and this I actually do spontaneously), to overcome my shyness and social anxiety... I have tried being lonely and I have tried being in relationships. If someone sends me yet another link to some revolutionary self-help method I shall scream! I just can't anymore... Please, just allow me a little normality at least. What have I honestly done to deserve a lonely life in confinement? Well, to be honest I don't think it's a question of whether I've deserved it or not.

Shit happens. I'm sorry this is another lament on life's shittyness... I am mostly venting and sharing, not asking for pity. Sure I've asked for help too. But I know it's wrong to ask to be saved by anyone, so I've got to keep it general. If anything has come recently, it's been too subtle for me to take notice. Last year was especially trying. Dark, confusing and exhausting in every way. I can't make sense of things the way I used to. There's an oppressive feeling in the air. Or is it just me? Yet good things happen to people all the time, regardless whether someone actively tries to manifest them or not. How can anyone really know for sure that their power of manifestation was so great that it brought certain things into their lives? Where's the absolute evidence? Maybe a certain person had it all in store on a karmic level, for instance. Maybe they were even genetically disposed to (haha). I know that I would be in quite a different position if I didn't have a condition that cannot be cured. I also know that I could feel worse and that I could sit here without a degree or a career as an artist unless I had struggled to overcome certain obstacles. I also know that my chances of getting out of my current situation are slim, because society does not support it in any way and I am now out of willpower and motivation to make more efforts. Let's not even talk about what the three months in Kansas last year did to me, let alone the tedious after-math that is still without closure. This guy is not sending me my things back and I am seriously worried about some art and some items that are true heirlooms and that I should never have brought there in the first place. Stupid me!

The other day I spent a little time on Twitter but I'm not sure I fit in though I've tried to mimimize the amount of people I follow and protect my updates from unwanted comments. I'm struggling to fit in but in fact what happens is the exact opposite, which is that I am losing self-confidence. Exposure is a good method when facing fears, yet what I wanted to say in this blog is that there are times when exposure induces fears and that maybe some of them are new ones. This is not a good time in history; it's one of extreme chaos, menace and self-absorption. Beware!

I was invited to a kindness party on Twitter. The subpersonality in me who wants to be accepted exclaimed, hey, how nice! But another part of me started to rebel. Why do I have to be kind because someone institutionalized a day for it? No, no, no, no. I wonder why anyone feels the need to ask people to be kind though. Do people really need to be told that? I liked the rhymeday better, however no one commented on my rhymes.

Here are some of my humble and rather silly contributions that nonetheless felt like fun:

My life would be empty without my cats, all of my clothes would be hollow, including my hats.

The love of my life, is absolutely Robin, without his attention, I'd be constantly sobbin'.

Marius, is my pain in the ass, but in a funny sort of way, he has charm and some class.

Beatrice is dainty, the queen of the lot; her attitude is sweet but rather cooler than hot.

My computer's attraction is bigger than life; but without it my life would be akin to a strife.

How often is a rhymeday; I'm curious to hear? I'm taking a liking, and getting rid of some fear!

I apologize for my rude intrusion as a stranger, but English makes my heart beat faster and my mind gallop like a wilderness ranger.

As intriguing as paradoxes may be, sometimes the issue is that we don't know our motives or what we really see!

Creativity is a flow; it can be high;it can be low; but it is eternally there, for it is all that there is and it is everywhere.

Just as I wrote nice things about my cat Robin he peed on the floor. I had thought he'd gotten over it. That drop of pee was like the last drop...

Please read more about self-esteem on this blog.

Artwork: "Dereclict House", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

When Changing Your Mindset Isn't Enough - Questions Regarding Spiritual Depression

About a year ago a young man went and shot 9 pupils at a high school in Finland. A year later, another man shoots 10 pupils in a high school. I heard about both cases in the Swedish news, where they also reported that there are more firearms per capita than in most other countries. I think the US is worse, and the third country was probably one in the Middle East. This is a very shocking thing considering that we have always lived with a certain sense of security. Because of the low population in Finland, there is a lot of control, and in fact less corruption than in most countries... Am I living in a country of contradictions? I myself never felt particularly at home here, as one of the minority of Swedish speaking people, I don't really relate to Finnish culture very well. To me it's too stark and unyielding. I am proud to be a Finn when I am abroad, as we are honest people who tend to avoid bragging and bullshitting. This is obviously changing though. While the general atmosphere is more laid back and international, there are also the unwanted elements of the infiltration of the Russian mafia (this is a popular throughway for terrorists) and the craziness that comes from a lack of emotional expression, and the long, desolate winters.

I have been feeling down because of some things that don't seem to disappear although I am keeping myself very busy renovating some furniture and planning a dinner (well, I was really too shy to invite people I don't know all that well, but thought it would be a motivating factor as the days are getting darker... and lonelier. I've also been constructing my own website, improving the old ones, trying to find ways of ordering items connected to my art that I can sell and through which I can promote myself - all this is positive except that I am quickly approaching the limit of the credit that was finally granted me thanks to my long relationship with "the" departmentstore in Helsinki (oh yes, it's that screwed up!). I am tired of being poor and feel almost frantically determined to change this state of affairs. I want to move to a happier environment, I want to feel that I am alive, I want to feel freer, I want to... well you know, all the things that make life worth living. At the moment I'm a bit of a zombie, really. Perhaps as a friend said, it's the isolation that does it. The relentless brooding, the sadness over lost relationships that just won't give in... I don't know. I wish I did. And I guess in some cases, keeping your mind busy is not the solution. So don't believe everything people tell you.

Today I replied to Marianne Williamson's article on Myspace about spirituality and depression. She's the one who wrote "A Course In Miracles", which I respect as I have not read it and have no reason to feel adverse to it (well other than that I didn't read it because I didn't personally feel attracted to it). I am obviously a bit irritable due to all the weird crap that came my way from the spiritual sector during the summer, and so all the oohs and aaahs that her article ignited kind of ticked me off. I mean, come on, folks! Wake up! THINK. For yourselves. Seems as spiritual people are either lulling in some slumber where fairys and angels reign, or scheming evil things with the intention of turning the positive evolution into the revolution of the Dark.

Are the lovey dovey ways going to fix the problems that are more than obvious in this world? I am not saying love gets the thumbs down. Only that... there is "reality" too (I mean the one that still stands after you've removed the illusion-part). You can't love a stranger. Or can you? I guess I thought that was granted only the select few, the real Enlightened ones. But... who am I to say? But when people tell me they love me SOOOO much though they don't have the faintest clue who I am, I get a little suspiscious... Is that paranoia? Possibly. Maybe there's something I'm not getting? Uuuh? Of course, I get even more suspiscious when people do the tests to see how their auras look and publish the results for everyone to see... or do some online test to see what kind of earth angel they might be. Hey, are those any better than magazine tests? You know, the ones people laugh about during coffee breaks? I did one about the auracolour and had a very hard time deciding which boxes to tick. Maybe something is wrong with me? I thought I knew myself really well - after all I've been the main object of my own studies for most of my life... but perhaps I'm too intent on being honest and then I just get... stuck. I did the other one about angels and I just barely made it to "starperson". Then I waited to see if that affected me somehow. Well, truth to say, I was a little more impressed when Archangel Michael talked to me and told me about my origin. IF it was him, of course. But one can always hope.

Ok, here it is: I have studied mysticism and esoterics for nearly 20 years. I think I know a thing or two about the truths the ancients knew already, as well as new findings regarding quantum physics and how it relates to our very basic ability to create (and co-create this reality). I also know about the New Age because I wrote a thesis about it. Admittedly, this movement has changed a bit since, but has it really? I mean, Ken Wilber who does after all have the mind of a genius was very much into the evolution thing. You know, the evolution of consciousness. And when people are talking about the ascension, well is it really a different issue altogether? Hard to say, isn't it? People go all crazy over the Mayan calendar, since 2012 has been marked as a turning point. Truth to say I rather try and manage my day to day life as best I can than get engrossed in all that. It's just too much. I've had so much of all that already. Now I need to live.

Anway, I did write a comment to Williamson, with all my respect for the work she has done, of course. My question is, can we really always fix our mindset and make everything ok? I'll add my response here:

"I'd like to present a slightly different point of view. Not that I disagree with you or that I think I have all the answers. It's just that I used to be very good at monitoring myself when I was sad, I would cry for a while and then go out and spend time in the big bookstore and maybe in its café. That's when I was living in the big city. Maybe the humdrum was distracting me or I was in a more disciplined mode. I suffered a major burn out after this though and it has taken me years to slow down. I'm one of those who have a stressed out nervous system. I moved to a searesort and live alone with my cats in the forest. I thought this would calm me down. In fact I could feel my feelings more acutely and more thoughts more loudly. I tried everything; taking grieving time off to cry about my lost relationships and cats that died under very sad circumstances. I tried to force myself to rest but my stress level was so great I couldn't meditate. Slowly, it got better. But some basic sense of disappointment is holding me in its grip. I've done 30 pieces of artwork this summer which is more than I used to do in year. I am working a lot online (I'm disabled) to promote myself. I am trying to divert attention from any negative thoughts that many so-called spiritual people are prompt to point out. Ok, so I try and ignore my thoughts and only "indulge" in them when I need to write about injustice (well, someone has to, and I do feel it's my purpose). I tried communicating with spiritual people but I was hurt by very many of them, and I promise that I am not exaggerating. The exaggeration is maybe in the fact that I am having trouble letting it go. I have decided to try once more and get out of the social trap I'm in, so I am not totally without a vision for the future. Am I depressed? I finally got a psychatrist who is trying to find out. However, a serotonin boost is seldom the solution, and the extensive use of drugs is only in the interest of drug companies. Like someone said, if you feel happy when you have a reason to be and sad when you also have a reason to be, you're actually healthy. So what are we to do? How are we to get out of the sense of disappointment and desillusionment? I don't know the answer. And believe me: I have been thinking about all this a LOOOOONG time. Btw I understand the "Russian" thing (referring to Marianne's genetic heritage), yes, I am Finnish and so I am not far removed from that either. But that is hardly the ultimate answer. So what is? Truly? With respect, Vivi-Mari Carpelan"

So what is really wrong? Why does a person want so much to "ascend", that is rise into a higher sphere of consciousness, but fails so miserably in creating the reality everyone is talking about? I suspect that one part of the melancholy that lingers somewhere behind all the things that keep me busy, is a disappointment that I tried to fit in with the spiritual people but got only trouble, and that maybe the trouble was a sign that I was forcing it. I have given it a chance - indeed, I spent more time on one of the spiritual sites than I've spent in any other community outside of the socially accepted instititutions. And here I am, claiming defeat. I just cannot force myself to join in with the happy chorus of oohs and aahs and I love yous. On top of everything, I have seen (or believe I have seen) that this is a very American phenomenon. I can hardly keep count on all the people who gave me promises of one kind or another and failed to deliver whatever it was. Well, one promised me a web site but I got tired of waiting (my question, which was not assertive, was met with a defensive explanation about business), and so I created my own through a server (http://www.vivimaricarpelan.vpweb.co.uk/).

It seemed to me while watching all these people who are a majority on the internet, and also in real life through the friend I visited last winter, that promises are given as symbol of optimism, since without it you're dead meat. And if you do want to make it in a highly competitive society, you need to show up a cheery facade and kiss ass, be it real or not. I have thought some about it and it seems that my culture is the opposite in many ways. But in both of them people carry guns and shoot innocent students who are only trying to get themselves an education.

Afterthoughts:

While contemplating these issues today, I thought to add a few of my thoughts. One is, as someone pointed out, that many people today are probably going through a lot of changes and so one needs to try and be compassion about the occasional slip of the ego. I do believe this to be true though it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better at the moment nor help me deal with certain upsetting situations. It's interesting that I read the second article about spiritual depression within a short time span, and I certainly liked Marianne's much better as she was talking out of her own experience. The first one was the one that got me into trouble and that I mentioned in my last blog. Anyway, I do not really feel that I understand what has been said in these articles. To me, it tells me something that people feel a need to use a new term such as "spiritual depression". Now it obviously means, that people are spiritually aware yet depressed at the same time. For some reason that is unclear to me, they want to join these together. Perhaps it's what I have, only I've called it "existential anxiety" or another bout of the real "dark night of the soul" (see previous blog). I don't really feel very connected to "Source" or whatever you want to call the creative force, and it bothers me. I feel guilty about it.

Now feeling guilty of being depressed is certainly a sign of the times. Although it's starting to become a dinner table subject as more and more people confess to popping the happy pill, it's still something you rather not mention as you know that people will shun you. Especially if you don't pop the happy pill! The woman who channelled messages to me in the summer implied at the end in a rather manipulative voice that I "must be highly depressed"; it sums it all up; doesn't it - it's the easy and rather superior answer when you want to get away from someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

Yet as the links below will show, you may suffer from a longing of "the light" or our basic nature, and thus life as we know it may feel hollow. On the other hand it's not very clear to me how you remedy this state of affairs if you're dysthymic enough or mentally and physically fatigued (for instance suffering a burn out which is becoming more and more common these days) since simply "telling yourself you're beautiful in front of the mirror and smiling at the image every morning" may not be an option at the time. Very likely you also suffer guilt from not being able to pull yourself together. It's amazing how many poeple still think it's a matter of getting a grip or scooping the crap underneath the carpet. Also don't forget the power of hopelessness. One example would be that of disabled people who get no support to keep them busy and motivated, and they also cannot gain a few bucks because they are dependent on the social service. This is because the basic pension is too low.

There are many kinds of depression, that is true. Make sure you don't fall into the category of "people who are a bit sad and need medication". Make sure that you deal with your issues in daylight and hope that it will help you have a good night's sleep. If that doesn't help, it may be that you're suffering from dysthymia, which is a mild but chronic depression that is hard to fix. It could have deep existential origins - perhaps something that nothing really can cure until you decide to accpet life as such (this is hard for many), and of course it can stem from unresolved issues from your childhood. Don't immediately assume that it's just a matter of chemical imbalance, hey come on! I mean yes, things affect other things in the body and our energies. Still, ff you eat right and exercise, the odds are small that your hormones are all screwed up. But if you do feel grief that never ends, maybe some form of therapy could help if you can afford it. It is NORMAL to feel grief and loss, but maybe not for months or years. Life does go on, so don't discount the power of self-healing.

One important thing that I forgot to mention is that many sensitive and empathic people absorb collective energies, and I think that I personally had a pretty heavy load of that due to the shooting in this country. After all, it would upset most people that kids get shot for no reason at all.

I also want to underline that many of the unpleasant side effects that people go through when they take the happy pill (loss of libido and creativity, the zest of life, etc.), could occur if you are taken these medecines unnecessarily. It's only normal that your body would react to something that is out of place. These view points are not made by a medical authority, and so I am only telling what I have concluded over the years. It has for instance been proven that people with fibromyalgia rarely respond to anti-depressants though they show signs of distress and irritability.

P.S. Karen (Univision) kindly sent me these links that might answer some questions:

A Spiritual View of Depression

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Boundary of Self

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Hunger for Light

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Light That Shines in the Darkness

A Spiritual View of Depression - Living With the Unknown

Spiritual Healing of Anxiety and Panic DisordersA Spiritual View of Mental Illness

Artwork: "The Art Of Survival", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Reality Is Real And How To Survive Life

I spent several years at the University of Helsinki in the 90s learning about the basic nature of reality being an illusion, but at the end of the day I learned nothing whatsoever of any use. Life was still the same. I was hoping I could arrive at some feeling of interconnectedness with all that is, and feel oneness. But it simply wasn't time. I've always liked the old zen story that goes something like this: "First you see a tree as a tree. Then comes a time, when the tree is no longer a tree. However, at the end of your explorations into the nature of the tree, the tree is again just a tree".

I guess I'm at the point where the tree is really a tree and nothing else. In my view, it doesn't really matter for us whether reality is an illusion or not. It's useful to us to know that it's malleable and that we can affect the order of things through the focus of our mind, but our reality is still our reality. At a certain point in our development we have only certain choices available to us, because we have specific set of tools at the time and not the more expansive knowledge required to make a more informed and wiser choice. This also applies to our perception of reality, which can only change when we are ready for it. So while in some sense we have free will, it's doubtful whether we can really apply it all that often other than regarding little matters such as having soup or salad for dinner. Many people speak of options that will secure a happier life for us. Yet those options can only come to play when we have full understanding of it and have transcended the karmic bonds that tie us down.

Could karma really be abolished in a dualist reality? Dualism implies, of course, that there are polarities and that one event will cause another. What it is, is simply the law of cause and effect. There may be alternatives available to those who have transcended the attachments of this world (quite the feat to arrive at that!) or to some beings who are here only to assist humankind in growing into more responsible and loving beings. I used to take karma very seriously and try and make sure that I paid off everything that might be brewing in my subconscious mind. I have changed perspective a little but am still very respectful of the consequences of my actions. One source has suggested that I am one of those who don't have to worry about karma because my initial intention in coming here was infused with compassion. I can relate to this idea since I've always felt this must be my last life and I have also felt that this life is not about creating a safe haven on Earth for myself even though I'd like to feel more secure. I have definitely been scared of this place, and the traps that abound. I had fear that I would get caught up in some karmic drama that would tie me to this reality for many lifetimes. For many years I also resonated very strongly with the ideal of the Bodhisattva, the Buddha of Compassion. Ironically, my life was so complicated that I also felt it was a burden - a duty. One of my artworks features a woman lying flat on her stomach in her bed with a whole bunch of Bodhisattvas stacked on her back.

Enormous changes are pervading our world and there is definitely a transition going on that involves very high frequencies of energy. As we are not used to this and are having to adapt, many of us feel very much out of focus and may display a whole array of mental and physcial symptoms. From where I stand, this really is no joke. For those who want to know more about the ascension and light working, please refer to the links at the bottom of this page. As for myself, I have noticed that my states of mind tend to fluctuate in accordance with the so-called energy alerts. The infiltration of energy is of course tied in with the universe, and it is also fluctuating in different ways depending on cosmic constellations and other factors. The way people react is of course individual. Many experience that their subconscious traumas are all surging to the surface in an intense and rapid fashion. For instance yesterday, I was feeling pretty okay until a close person did something that I interpreted as some form of callous and selfish act. "Why do you always think the worst of me?", he has often had the reason to ask me. Yes, why indeed? Why am I so suspiscious of him and why does he have to recieve this kind of energy from another person? You see, we are both in it, we are a constellation that makes sense only as such. Yet we both should look into our own history to see what is causing this repeated pattern. What made this incident different from others though was the scope of my reaction. I wasn't able to call him at all during the whole day, so I wrote rather nasty e-mails that were supposed to ensure that he would not take advantage of me in any way. Needless to say, my nigth's sleep was truly bad and the next day I felt that I have no right to walk the face of this earth. But... maybe the worse it feels the greater the change?

What caused my reaction to be blown out of proportion like that? Well, my guess is that there is something in the air... But I also sensed that all my disappointments with people who I feel have let me down in the past surged up like an activated volcano. Isn't it funny how one moment you think everything is fine and then the next you're crawling and whining on the floors of hell? I know now that this is not just about a pathology (meaning the symptoms of traumas of the past). It is that, but it is also about other things. For the life of me I can't concieve of the importance of trying to prevent these things from happening by resorting to medication - unless you're really chronically depressed in the clinical sense or have a mental illness. Of course it takes a good doctor's intuition to determine which it is, but since we know or suspect that our own purification is now intensified, we might like to think twice about the happy pill.

Life is, for one thing, not about being happy all the time. I know that many disagree; there is in some western cultures a tendency to want to have partytime with cream layer cake every day. There is also a frightening tendency in children today of wanting everything right now instead of learning the noble art of waiting. I can imagine it would be hard to be a parent these days! When I see how stuck many of my friends are because of having children at a time in their life when a certain fatigue is already kicking in, I do not envy them. Children can be a blessing, no doubt. But they can also be a distraction and a heavy challenge. Many artists like myself have also concluded that the need to fulfill themselves through parenthood is not really there.

Anyway, I was talking about happiness. Does it really exist, I sometimes wonder? I think a life could harbour more of those fleeting moments of happiness or contentedness if your life's beginning was a happy one and your life's lessons were not all that deep. But let's face it - some strong souls have chosen to either take care of their karma shit or to learn something valuable and deep about this reality. It seems that the latter may be the case with me though I used to think it was the former. Fact remains - I feel screwed up right now. I can assure you that I've been pretty distressed a lot of my life and can't really recall many moments during which I actually felt happiness. But mixed up and confused about my direction - nooooo... not really. Now it's as if my neat pack of cards had been shoved by the devil himself! The curious thing is that during the intensified process that began at Easter, I have also enjoyed many surprising things in a deeper and more meaningful way than before. After my tough months in the USA last winter I allowed myself a little more care about my personal well-being and this opened the doors to more of life's little luxuries.

At the moment I don't have money, and you really need to have some in order to do things that make your boring day-to-day life a little more appealing. I really cannot make any money at the moment, as I am not allowed to from the point of view of the law. Anyway, I am not talking cream layer cake every day. But I've decided that I deserve more opulence than before, and so at the risk of building up debts that I won't be able to pay I am allowing myself some cheap roses every once in a while, a yummy cheese cake, a cd that I buy on the internet, pretty tea cups from the English antiques store in town, some cool new clothes from the postorder catalogues, soap that smells heavenly, candles lit in the evening, incense burning, a good film to watch in my rather appealing red sofa with all its cushions... Ok, so if abundance is available to all, certainly I can start here as well as anywhere? It's risky though. How do you avoid being foolish and ending up with bills you can't pay? Well, I guess you try and focus on the fact that this is what you truly deserve and keep up some kind of motivation to 'fix' it, and then hope the opportunities arise as the universe is benevolent to those who are willing to work with it and not against it. I don't know any other way.

The things that are free are... well, there really aren't many when you live alone - and certainly not in these days of extreme capitalism that even make healing a commodity only the rich can afford. So... a walk in the forest with my cats. Perhaps a walk to my powerspot on the cliffs by the sea, which ends up brightening my spirit though it seems like a drag at the time. Using my art supplies until I run out... What I'm really doing is fighting loneliness and despair.

Someone explained the difference between emotions and feelings. Emotions being our reactions to things we don't understand, and feelings being a whisper from spirit about the state of affairs (well roughly speaking anyway). I spent a great part of my life denying my emotional life and so I haven't really known mine for more than about ten years. Perhaps it accounts for some of my rash reactions that embarrass me more than anyone else. So what exactly are my problems? Well, I'd say it's the "usual". Fear of rejection because no one cared when I was little (and by the way, I hated being a child because it disempowered me!), as well as a lack of trust in the way of other people. I get very annoyed for both of these reasons if I am being made to wait or people make promises they don't keep. This is what happened yesterday too. This brings me to the issue of hurt.

I know all about the ideas that emotions are only within us and we are the only ones responsible for them. But once again I would like to remind you that this is a polarised version of reality. This cannot be the one and single truth simply because it represents only one point of view in a constellation. Now at the other end we have the idea that all hurt is caused by external sources and so they should be condemned or obliterated. Isn't it time we learned to embrace these extremes and look at what it is we get if we join them together and follow the middle path? I don't think that denying that somone has caused us hurt is helping the world in the least. Of course they should be accountable for what they do onto others! It's ridiculous to abolish the idea of victimhood, it's as I've said before the same as claiming that Hitler was a chimera. No, these are real things. They are real in this realm. All we can do is become more informed and open up our hearts to prevent ghastly things from happening. Until then, we need to take responsibility for our own hurt emotions and examine them closely, but meanwhile, the other party might have a reason to look into the things they throw at other people. After all, it's all about constellations, right?

Artwork: "Broken Promises", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

The Dark Night of the Soul In this Age of Transition

For those who have been following the esoteric teachings of today it may be clear that the planet is going through an ascension from a lower level of existance to a higher one. We are not alone; there is a multitude of beings from other dimensions and planets who are here in one form or another to assist in this radical process. Because all this affects the collective mind, some of the manifestions of great change can be quite radical and baffling indeed. For many, it entails a clearance of any old issues that hold them tied to the past. A wealth of emotional issues will surge to the surface. Not to mention all the confusion and stress that sensitive people pick up from those around them and from the air, so to speak.

There are plenty of people who focus on the happier side of all this and are able to convey encouragment in words of love and unity. I, however, seem to be here in order to help others unveil the more painful side of life (see my blog on the Shadow). This includes past conditioning that keeps us trapped in destructive patterns, traumatic experiences, as well as resistance to change. The more we know about all aspects of the psyche, the better we can become at mastering the seemingly erratic fluctuaitons of the pshyche. It is my belief that there should be no more secrets or competitiveness between people (how else can we experience true unity on the practical level?). I do see that even within spiritual groups, there are popularity contests and hubris (people desiring to show off their level of spirituality). I hope this will pass soon though, since all this is part of the ego issues that need to be acknowledged and cleared out.

I myself have followed the "news" regarding the various phases of energetic infiltration since Easter, when the changes really became obvious. I could see that many of my reactions seemed to mirror the cosmic fluctuations. It sometimes seems very hard to tell what is personal clearance and what belongs to the collective consciousness or other people's issues. We truly are all interconnected! Some like to take measures and shield themselves of the external influences through methods such as grounding or creating an experiential octagon around themselves. For various reasons I find it hard to focus on such things but I do try and ask for help from the spirit guides or entities that are around to assist. My own life has been rather complicated so there is plenty to clear. I wish I didn't still have so much to deal with, but alas...

The feelings of anxiety and loneliness that I wrote about in my previous blog are very common symptoms right now. If this is the case with you, I can only suggest that you accept it for what it is and ride it out with the confidence that this is necessary and perfectly normal. Don't let other people's superiority bog you down. You may have very strong feelings of darkness and hopelessness, but this too is in the order of things. I will include an old blog I wrote on the Dark Night Of The Soul for those who want to contemplate this possibility. I myself have had a lot of emotions to deal with for several years since I started to unravel that which had earlier been denied and tucked away into the far corners of the mind. I have come to understand how hard it is to master them. On the one hand they give us information about our external and internal reality, but on the other hand we also need to let go of them in an appropriate way and not cling to them in an excessive manner.

This summer I have found myself very lonely indeed - the only close person in real life is my mother. I have also kept up the contact with a man on another continent with whom I tried to form a relationship last winter. As he started a new job, our contact is diminishing to just a very short time in the afternoon. Since it's summer and I try not to isolate myself inside the house all the time, it's not always possible for me to be at home when he is able to talk to me. And so what I see is a relationship that is slowly fading away like coloured paper in the sun. The paper - or friendship - will no doubt persist, but the colours - the emotions - are disappearing. This is the case with me, as far as I know, not with him. Thus the process of detachment has been excruciatingly painful - for reasons of personal disappointment as well as compassion. I think it's quite obvious that right now, I am not apt to exuberance. One more dream has dissipated with an aftertaste of disappointment and sadness, but hopefully it will give room for something new.

The sensation of floating in mid-air with nothing to hold onto has been mentioned as one of the symptoms of this global transition, and so I can only assume that forces are at work in my own life as well and that new order will ensue out of this state of physical chaos and emotional turmoil. One needs to let go of all thoughts and expectations that reflect the old 3D reality, though not of faith, of course. Holding onto hope is not an easy thing to do, however necessary. It is more than plausible that those who are dedicated to their spiritual path for the good of all and are righeous at heart, will experience a glorious future. If I can do nothing else, at least I can try and invoke help. Do not be too hard on yourselves. These are not easy times and there is no need to pretend otherwise. All this will eventually pass.

The following excerpt was written a couple of years ago while I was still feeling that this is my last life on this planet, yet I was unable to understand how I would be granted an exit unless I became enlightened. I now have reason to believe that there are other ways if your purpose for coming here has mainly been that of showing and spreading unconditional love and compassion, and a desire to assist humanity as part of the One.


THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

This expression was developed by St John of the Cross, who suffered intense feelings of loneliness and desolation prior to his enlightment. To me, enlightenment is not a simple thing. As usual, I have given it too much thought - presumably too much since it has caused me to feel distressed.

Hasn't anybody else had any anxiety connected to the presumed fact that we are just coming and going like the breath of the wind, creating movements in space and thus an illusion of time, that what we experience is real but in a deeper sense it's not…? Everybody seems so eager to go towards the state of oneness! But it means that your individuality disappears. Classical mysticism has it that we live a certain amount of lives and then we go back to where we came from - oneness. We dissolve.

I found when I started to think about this a lot it really made me anxious. Yes I know, it's just the ego that's struggling to stay alive. But jees. I didn't ever imagine it would struggle THAT much. I'm not sure I should label what I have been going through, but to me the past ten years have been like dying. The medieval mystic John of the Cross said that this is “the dark night of the soul”. I felt somewhat comforted to hear this from a friend of mine who was studying this phenomenon. It made sense to me. I don't know if that's what I was going through, but it sure sounded like it. It's a time when suddenly everything becomes really meaningless. What's the point in living if you are going to dissolve soon anyway? Yeah, it's going to be a relief because this life sure wasn't all so great, so why can't it happen quickly? But the ego speaks up and says, hey, what about me? Don't I mean ANYTHING? Was I just a joke? A pasttime? Or even worse… nothing really worth mentioning at all. Just some dream in an all-encompassing Creator's mind… A fleeting moment of pleasure and pain. You find no real comfort anywhere, because you're staring into empty space… and you're alone. And as John says, even God is no longer there to comfort your tortured soul.

This thing I had got a bit better when I was thinking that maybe I can choose to go onto some other level instead. I don't know, reside on some other planet in another galaxy or in another dimension or something. I was struggling with my will to live. I knew that I can create my own destiny in some sort of way. Suddenly the ego, that had seemed only like nuisance before, became important. The ego seemed in fact to be just a facet of my soul, of the identity that I have created over the centuries. Does it really have to dissolve into nothingness? Maybe not. Who really knows? So this thing got better. I felt more willing to see this life through, to take care of my karma and see to it that when I leave, it's going to be with the feeling that my real potential can finally come into being. Sadly, I don't think it's going to happen here on Earth. There are boundaries on Earth. And although conducive to creative thinking, it can probably be found on a bigger scale somewhere else…
I was worried, though, that I might fall out of a state of grace and land back on Earth after a while. This is what the Buddhists warn you about. They say, you can reach the realm of the Gods, but it's still the same old wheel of life, Samsara. Sooner or later you'll start collecting karma again. And there we go. No escape. Back to Earth to pay back your debts!

Isn't anybody worried about all this? Doesn't it all strike you as a battle that's lost already when it began? But I know, we should think of planet Earth and the state it's in, and what we can do to raise the level of consciousness of humanity. Yes, that's no doubt what we have to concentrate on. The rest will just come naturally, won't it. After all, we are 100% natural beings.

Later addition:
I have thought the pursuit of enlightenment a wee bit spooky. Of course, if you look at zen buddhism then you'll see that they don't necessarily envisage an idea about dissolving into a state of bliss. When asked about enligtenment, they come up with some funny koan that you can't understand with your mind (the most famous one I believe being what does it sound like when one hand is clapping). To them it's about a surrender of the mind to the impossibility of ever being able to make any sense out of life.

But although I've heard of various versions of what it might be, I am not an expert on the issue since I haven't experienced it in this life time, so I just wanted to bring out some of my own contemplations and see what others feel. I know we should stay focused on the present, but I can't help wanting to “get somewhere”. Since we are submitted to an evolution within the timeframe, I think we do get somewhere eventually. But whether it's a final stop or what, that is not something I can say much about. The reason I'm eager to get somewhere is because I am in a process that is very heavy and tedious. I think it's normal to get fed up with something that doesn't seem to change. Imagine that you're a cleaning lady but you hate being one, and you are always waiting for the day to be over, but then the next day you are still cleaning and cleaning. On the other hand, if you're on the road going someplace then you don't necessarily always think only about the goal, if there are fun stops on the way. I guess I am thinking that some of us have cleaning to do and others are in it for the joyride.

That said, it doesn't necessarily exclude the idea that the tedious and drab existence can change into something more pleasurable, within that particular lifetime. I know that one is supposed to grow awareness and all that - it's maybe a kind of meditative state of enlightenment when you are very aware and mindful all of the time, and then it's not supposed to matter what it is you're doing. If you are cleaning the house or benjijumping. I think it's something I try to keep in mind but there are times when it's just not possible to pursue a certain way of being. Worries, difficult emotions, hardships, illness - all this stress can be very overwhelming. Sometimes all we can do is just try to hang in there.

Artwork: "The Alchemy of Change", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008

Feelings Of Loneliness: A Sign Of The Times

Am I just imagining it, or are people actually ignoring me? I have no doubt that this is part of an issue that is pressing me greatly. My external life is reasonably calm but inside chaos reigns - thoughts and feelings relating to trust, betrayal, co-dependency, independency, loneliness, wondering whether people are competing about who is the most spiritual and ahead of others, being treated with nonchalance, being ignored, and worrying about what I am doing wrong? The days are gone when no one would disturb my peace of mind and I would just sail away with a clear conception of the reasons behind a confrontation. As it is now, I am having nightmares over relationship issues and waking up with the most excruciating anxiety that takes hours to clear. That I am just resuming my book project again after months of other concerns, probably adds to the sense of stage fright. I have to get it just right. I know I can do it but the scope of it all is overwhelming.

I have deep feelings of loneliness. Part of it may be that this time of year, I have often had company with which I have been able to go places and experience new things. Believe it or not, but summer is only now starting and I know that I must go out to be by the sea for a while before I resume my writing project in the late afternoon. The cliffs, the salty air and the water help to clear the aura. It is quite clear to me that nothing much can happen in my life until large parts of the project have been completed. I know that it is crucial that I try not to distract myself with worries regarding other people and their issues. Why assume that their unwillingness to interact with me is something personal? However, I do feel affected by it and can only conclude that there are areas in me that still hesitate to trust in other people's benevolence and where my worries about how to deal with others is still an issue. I look at groups that gather and share encouraging words and sentiments, and I feel a pang of sadness. I have been questioning whether who I am today really is bad enough for people to shun me. Maybe what I need to do is stop looking for like minded people and just accept that I don't fit in anywhere, at least not while I am still healing.

I believe my greatest learning phase is over - but I am now talking about the things that I needed to experience in order to be the catalyst that I need to be in the future. Thus I have reason to believe that things will indeed become much better in the future if I can only crawl across the threshold. Despite many difficult experiences this spring and summer I do now have a greater belief in being helped from above. Somehow my childhood feelings of inadequacy have stuck to me in the most annoyingly stubborn manner. My anxiety may be due to collective energies but it may also be a symptom of deeper processes that occur in my sleep, and they are very much connected to fears of relying on other people versus the fear of having to rely on myself alone (which is a limiting experience on the emotional and physical level). What I feel is that I have enough of loneliness and could use some nice, shared activities with others - and I do have to stress the 'activities' part because that's what's lacking the most in my present life. For many, being by themselves is blissful. Well, I don't mind being by myself but certainly not all of the time! In the connection to other people there is the element of sharing that is in my view just as valid as enjoying one's own company and creativity. When both are prevalent in equal proportions, there is harmony. Would you not agree?

I often refer to Karen Bishop's energy alerts(http://www.whatsuponplanetearth.com/latest.htm) as they are mighty comforting. In the 1st part of the recent energy alert she says it's not uncommon to feel panicky and very much alone these days. According to her, part of it is a desire for a real sense of unity which has not been prevalent before. She also says that you might feel invisible because your energies are not aligned with that of others around you. In general, things have not settled in accordance with the higher frequencies yet, so they appear stressful and chaotic to those who are sensitive enough to pick it up. I think this is how it is with me, however in practice many old fears and disappointments cause hesitation in me as well. I can't wait to see more altruism all around, but I am unsure of what exactly I need to do in order to attract it. Truth to say I don't see things in quite that simple a way, so I feel that some or most of the lack that I see really IS there (those who see things, see things). On the other hand I know that focusing too much on it is detrimental to myself, and may tilt my life further in the direction of more loneliness.

Nothing else occurs to me except that I have to let go of my wish for true soul connection (if I can figure out how), and accept that what may come as a result of it comes as designed by the universe - it may be good or bad from my subjective point of view, but it will be real and honest. Many wish to shoot the messenger of bad news. Well, I don't really have bad news but I don't have good ones either, so I guess I get ignored... I realize that people rather do that than go through the effort of helping me figure out where the trouble is. After all it may just be a sign of the times and very much in line with Karen Bishop's description of the symptoms that occur during such dramatic changes in the collective mind. I do wish that people would share a little more about what is going on with them and not fear bringing out the truth of it all. I have noticed that many on this site are cut off from other spiritually minded people and that is one of the main reasons they hang out here a great deal. Sometimes I wonder if I am just trying too hard to fit in with spiritual online communities too.

Artwork: "Deep Cleansing", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008

Recognizing Severe Manipulation

This is a blog I wrote some time ago about recognizing manipulation. Ok, I want to say right away that I am not paranoid about the dark and that I think there is a danger in going too far in seeing evil conspiracies everywhere you look. There are things people do onto us out of sheer ignorance, and not out of a conscious desire to harm us (though it may end up being very harmful, of course). Then there are those who are somewhere in between, not quite sure of what their real nature is and unable to control their manipulative behaviour. The third category would be those who are conscious of what they are doing and trying their utmost to prevent the ascension of this planet. Regardless what sort of being you encounter, it is good to be on the look out for signs of manipulation. In other words, we must not discard people just because they are troubled, but we must also avoid casting our pearls before the swine and giving our precious energy to people who do not appreciate it and who are merely using us for their selfish purposes. This is why I have chosen to publish part of a newsletter that came to me yesterday. Again I wish to stress that the tone here is a little too dramatic and wound up for my personal taste, as many humans may occasionally display this sort of behaviour without being real dark entities. I try and stay cool and not take sides in any way that would cause more stress and fear in my own life. I think this is quite an important thing, since we need to retain our focus on a positive outcome and not squander or energies. I also do not take responsibility for any of the issues regarding Atlantis that are made here, as I am not in a position to say whether it is true or not. I also have to say that I found the volcanic ground on Iceland totally exhilirating so personally don't really have a negative feeling about it...

At the end I'm including some stuff I wrote in forums dealing with these issues.
I want to stress that I would personally eliminate some of the issues dealt with in this article, however I do not want to violate the copyright. I think it's important to recognize manipulation so we can invoke our personal power and get over it. All in all this is a good reminder though, so we can be ever so vigilant on our path:

- Beginning of quotation -

"Unmasking the Anti-Light

The seers and keepers of the light have come full circle. It has been a long journey to return right back to the place where it all was lost. We are now experiencing the memory, or what might feel as a shadow/echo frequency of the fall of Atlantis. We can see many of the old power and control dramas and chaotic energies resurfacing all around us as we rise above our past history to gain victory and passage into our glorious future. We are entering the most intensified purification process that Earth and Humanity has ever experienced, but we also know that heaven is closer than we think.

History

Just prior to the fall of the age of Atlantis, the clairvoyant and healing abilities of gifted Oracles were being misused by the Atlantian dark ones for ego based power, control of others, and outright warfare, instead of being used for their original purposes such as enlightenment, mastery and true freedom. These dark ones could be categorized as Atlantian dark lords, corrupt wizards, spiritual vampires, self serving alchemists, professional parasites and spiritual abusers. We simply see these ones as the younger brothers and sisters, because they still, even now, do not know who they really are, nor what they do. In the times of Atlantis, many of these younger ones were living in the areas that are now known as Egypt, Greece and Crete . . . and in the entire Middle East. This was a critical, unsettled and frantic time for these dark younger ones, for their egos were being unmasked by brave Oracles, so all could see their true underhanded agendas. This is where the fable of the "emperor's new clothes" and the saying "Wolves in sheep's clothing" came from. For a brief moment in time, all of humanity knew these ones for who they really were. They had been de-mystified and were about to be overthrown. This was the last step in a long journey for humanity to arrive in this dimension fully awake. Many of the Oracles had been called to unmask these dark ones out of respect for the creative force/light of the universe and the Goddess of Creation that we know as the Hathors. This was the force and deity that had given them the gift to see and heal. This force and deity has a great harmonizing energy that imparts great peace if used impeccably. Soon after this unmasking, the Oracles were forced to flee for their lives. The younger ones were outraged by the unmasking and began a counter attack. The Oracles and initiates of the Light fled to what is now known as Greece and the islands in the Aegean Sea, where, for a short time, they were honored again for their abilities. The unmasking of these younger ones came too late to avert the collapse of the powerful age of Atlantis. The collapse could not have come at a more heart-breaking time. All of life was about to ascend and finally fully arrive in the diverse many, as the enlightened ONE. Due to the misuse of power, the Earth's energy field, around what we know as the Middle East, was cracked during this collapse. Many souls were cracked also. This was a huge set back for Earth and humanity. This is a pain we still carry in our bodies; a pain also felt by our younger brothers and sisters, and our Mother Earth. It is this pain that Mother Earth is also still working to clear out of her, by using volcanoes, storms, tidal waves, etc.

During the collapse, many of the Oracles and initiates of the Light were rescued and relocated in Egypt's remaining Atlantian temples, and many went underground to continue their work. Many of the younger ones followed them there. As time passed, and the last of the younger ones grew old and died, we hoped that the collective field of consciousness and the Earth would be clear of their convoluted influences and horrific misuses of power. Many of their bodies were sealed and buried on the west bank of the Nile as added insurance that they would no longer be able to hurt themselves and others. We knew that the younger ones, as well as all lives passing on Earth, would have to journey through 9 gates of re-birth to be reborn. These 9 gates were powered by the creative force/light of the universe. These gates had a built-in, universal protection that would purify hearts as they passed through each gate before they were allowed to reincarnate. When we were re-born, all self-serving, ego-based agendas had to be cleared out so that we could be re-born in a clear place to begin again. We were confident that the younger ones wouldn't return to this dimension for a very long time because they had dark, heavy hearts, and this journey would take them a long time. But the dark lords/younger ones had developed a form of alchemy . . . a sort of anti-light. This anti-light was related to the energy that had created the fall of Atlantis. It was distorted and altered from the pure creative light of the universe. This dark alchemy helped them bypass certain gates, so they could reincarnate to continue their ego based agendas with their heavy hearts un-cleansed. They bypassed the gates of re-birth even though they weren't worthy to pass through.

What is happening now . . . We have returned once again to this age that we call Aquarius. We have reincarnated back into this huge moment, in this cycle of ages, to set right the misuse of power and light, and to bring about true freedom and personal mastery. Just as we feel the power and the intensity of this time, so do these confused dark ones . . . our younger brothers and sisters. We are scrambling to make sure that the last code of Ascension is anchored in place so we can be here fully awake. The unenlightened younger ones are scrambling quickly so as not to be unmasked once again. They would like to see us fail yet again in gaining our mastery and becoming fully awakened human beings manifesting all 13 codes into the physical realm (More coming soon on the 13 codes). They are setting up their smoke and mirrors so we might not see them. They are as cleaver as ever with their mind games and illusions. Sadly, they don't know who they really are and what they are doing to themselves, and, to their disadvantage, they forget who we are also. These younger ones are emerging now in unexpected places and have surprising roles. They are trying to blend in so as not to be noticed. They are right next to you. Many are working in our governments, acting as our spiritual healers and teachers, and so on. But you see it is too late for their old ploys and mind games to work for them. We have already opened our eyes. We have learned hard lessons from the past. We have remembered the sweetness of a true peace and spiritual freedom. The legions of light have been regathered and nothing can hold back the light and truth anymore. We have reached a pivotal point in the mass consciousness of Light.

We are now ready to re-claim paradise. It is at this time that we must walk through just a few more steps in our history to return to paradise. There is a little bit more for us to do. We are coming out of an age where the darkness was supported in hopes that they would find the light within. Now it is time to return this energy and light, that we willingly gave them, back to its origin within us. It is time we abandon the idea of sharing our gifts with those who misuse and diminish this light. It is time to end the energy vampirism and the unquenchable addiction to our light and energy. We know that we only lent this light to the younger ones for them to use for a time. We hoped that they would also taste freedom's sweetness and awaken to their own true inner power and light. As you see, they didn't understand our gift to them. We let these younger ones use our energy because we knew that they would eventually realize that they couldn't control the energy of creation that came from outside of themselves. Eventually their misguided efforts would fail over and over, and they will continue to do so. Nothing lasting comes from stolen energy. This energy of creation can only be shared and used as ONE . . . together, as a collective effort. Knowledge is not power . . . wisdom is. Getting energy from outside of oneself is like knowledge. Wisdom comes when you remember and truly experience who you really are. A child can have wisdom, yet some adults will never have felt its grace. We came here with full knowing that we were going to be used in this way. We did this out of great service in order to raise the consciousness of the younger ones, the planet and humanity. But over time, we also became accustomed to the unenlightened behavior of the younger ones. We also forgot how powerful and untainted this energy of light and creation was in it purest form. We didn't understand the extent of our sacrifices until now. Like we said before it has been a very long journey. Now we must reclaim back the light and the power that is ours.

We will not take it back in the same way that it was taken from us . . . OH NO! This is the way of the dark wizards. We will take it back by reclaiming and remembering who we are. We will starve the dark ones by not giving them any more of our energy. It is time to set the younger ones free from our energy fields; those that time and time again misuse the light we give them. We will rescue them no more. We will quit gifting our pearls to those who do not honor them. It is time for spiritual tough love. It is time that we move forward without trying to take them along with us. We hope they will follow our example. It will break our hearts if they don't. In all life, a mother's hardest job is to set free their children so they can fly. We have cared, fed and unconditionally loved these ones for a long time. They have not learned with our help, nor respected our gifts, or found theirs in the process. In fact, we have crippled them with our unconditional love and acceptance. We didn't let them fall, so they could learn to fly. We carried them on our shoulders, and now they cannot walk on their own. It is time for them to discover their true inner power on their own and remember wisdom, peace, and the sweetness of enlightenment within themselves. We were supposed to be their example of this light; not their source of light. They forgot this, and so did we. It is time that we all remember. If we continue to feed these spoiled ones, we become part of their heavy karma. By continuing to feed these ones, we help them continue the disempowerment of the servers of the light. We also slow down the collective planetary ascension process. What we involve ourselves in, with support physically, emotionally or even symbiotically, creates karma, good or bad, for us. Impeccability and integrity in this time of the shift is critically important. Where we put our light and power is what we will feed. The Oracles of Delphi had unmasked the younger ones in the past, and now we will unmask them again. Once they are unmasked, they will have no outside energy to maintain themselves. They will be forced to look within, just as we have. This time we will be successful, and the Earth and humanity will indeed enter a great time of peace and personal and collective mastery. We will finally arrive in the many, as the enlightened ONE.

How can we recognize these younger ones . . . these Atlantian Power Lords that are around us when they do not want to be unmasked? How do we recognize them when they are very clever, lie and hide their tracks? We have become so accustomed to their heavy presence and their ways, that we forget how deeply insidious their wizardry affects each one of us, our tribes, our Earth and our Galaxy. We have learned to be unconditional supportive to any and all life even if it is not good for the collective well-being to do so. There is a great difference between judgment and discernment. We are asking you for divine discernment to help accelerate the ascension of the collective ONE. If we don't know who the younger ones are, here are some of the>> masks that the younger ones use to continue to feed upon us and to steal our light. This is not a complete list, but it is enough for>> us to begin the great unmasking. These are some of their ploys. It is our turn now to do the un-masking. It is time that they discover their own inner light.

Harvesting Energy . . . First, the younger ones' main agenda is to harvest our energy. They do this because they have not found their own energy source within themselves. We let them use our energy, because we are compassionate and came here to serve those who have lost their truth. They have lost respect for what we give them, just like a spoiled child. A blatant example of energy harvesting is prevalent in those still living in Egypt. Many Egyptian residents, and the areas around the Middle East, are still at a huge disadvantage as their collective agendas are still being influenced by distorted energy created at the fall of Atlantis. Many fall prey to this energy. One of the ways this shows up is that they will act very friendly and helpful, but their underlying nature is to get "Baksheesh" (money and tips). Everything is done with the idea of what they can get out of you, or the situation, and at every angle. It is shameless greed. It is harvesting human resources. It is false service. They seem to give the impression of service on the surface, but when you look deeper, they do not care for our well being; nor do the kind offers come from the heart. Even volcanoes in the Greek islands still ooze seductive dark energies that the Earth is still actively working to clear out. Many good souls have risen above this influence. This is an amazing feat that does not go unrewarded. They will be bridges of light for the others.

Closed Hearts . . . These lost younger ones know spiritual truths very well, but with their minds, not their heart. They say their words with a forced power; not from love. The words may sound right to us, but our hearts will know differently. They will speak of love, but we will not feel it coming from them. The younger ones' knowledge is void of heart and true light. We will feel this as emptiness, or that something is missing, or that something does not feel right. This is the easiest ploy to catch. If we don't feel heart, question that authority heartily. We remember that real wisdom is an experience felt . . . not a knowledge that is taught.

The Holy Teacher Ploy . . . The younger ones will make grandiose promises of spiritual growth, then twist spiritual truths and lace them with self-serving agendas. The younger ones work hard to maintain high ground on self built pedestals. This is very hard work for them as their power for this does not come from within. They have to steal it first. They try to create a following, even new religions, as it becomes easier to maintain high ground when there are more supporting them with their energy. They will be motivated by jealousy, competition and greed, but preach oneness, service and unconditional love. They will claim to have the answers and try to>> keep you in a continual student position. They will try to psychically cord us as they are teaching us, and some try to do this through all eternity! With all the mixed signals we feel, we might begin to doubt ourselves. We get caught up in this ploy because we are great cheerleaders and natural supporters, and what they teach does echo some truth to a point. We want to believe so badly that they are speaking from true power. We want to see everyone reach enlightenment. We know that we are all family. ... continued on the right...

The Avoiding Criticism Ploy . . . The younger ones will try quickly to put us in a position so we cannot question their teachings or actions. If we do question them, we will appear to others to be in the very place that you know the younger ones to be in. They won't give us any space to interact as they fear that we might unmask them. When things do not go as they plan, they will blame shift . . . "It is not us that is the problem, it is you." . . . or they will say that we are not ready for this level of knowledge. They may blame their sacred sites, their country, or the government for their mistakes. There is no accountability for misuse of energy with the younger ones. They will profess that the dark energy that we feel is the light. Innocent ones are especially vulnerable to this ploy because they have so much trust.If we try to help the younger ones face their darkness, they will act surprised and stunned. They are masters at playing innocent and lace it with an underlying righteousness. Because of this reaction to our unmasking, we might doubt ourselves. We get pulled into this one because we forget that anyone could be dark and self-serving in the first place. Most of us trust that what is said by another is truth. We don't understand why anyone would lie as it hurts the collective ONE. Lying hurts everyone, including the one doing the lying.

The Spiritual Sacrifice Ploy . . . The younger ones will ask us to make sacrifices for a theoretical greater good. They will suggest that it is for a greater spiritual cause, even if it means jeopardizing our safety and well being, or worse . . . goes against our heart's truth. They have very little disregard for our emotional and physical well being. Be careful of this one, as they will try to boost our ego, so we will feel important by being a part of something . . . or it may make us feel guilty if we don't go along with this ploy. They don't ask for our consent, they command and take control, and leave no room for discussion. They will assume we will do anything for them and expect to use all our resources. We might even feel like their possession . . . treated like a slave. We will feel herded like goats. We will not feel respected. We do this for them because we have temporally forgotten who we are and our inner light. We will not make this mistake again. It is time for us all to wake up.

The Bait and Switch Ploy . . . The younger ones will shift and change from one ploy to another so quickly that it can unground the most focused initiate of the light. They try to keep us unaware of what is going on and try to place us in a fog. They can and do send many convoluted, mixed signals in efforts to keep us ungrounded and out of balance. They will create multiple distractions to confuse us. There will be a rushed and frantic energy, so we will not have time to think as they change direction. Once we are scattered and confused and in an unbalanced place, they can use us for any agenda they might have. They scatter us so they can farm us . . . harvest us. We are vulnerable to this ploy because we operate from the universal creative force that is constant when we are in alignment with it. Spirit is constant. This ploy is the universal creative force used in reverse.

The Healer Ploy . . . The younger ones will pretend to heal us, but instead they will rob our energy. Many times they will not ask permission to do their healing work. They will have no respect for universal or personal free will. They will impose their healings, teachings and knowledge on you if you want it or not. You will recognize this ploy when you become tired, confused or scattered after a healing or attending a class taught by them.

The Hiding the Agendas Ploy . . . The younger ones have a lot of secrets that they don't want you to know about. You will find that>> you don't know much about these people personally even though you>> have spent a great deal of time with them. They keep you in the dark about who they really are. You feel the hidden agendas but have no proof; but you feel them just the same. People do not hide what is appropriate and true. They only hide the mis-uses of light and power.

The Human Shield Ploy . . . This is the age old ploy where the younger ones will position you or another as the pawn in their scheme, and set you up to take the fall for them. They will get you to do their dirty work for them. We might find ourselves working for them for little or no compensation. They will hide behind our innocence, our titles, our banking systems, our legal systems, our identities and most of all our integrity and light. This ploy is interlaced with the next ploy. They will send out spies if they think we are about to unmask them to see what we are up to. The spies may be unaware of being used this way.

The Camouflage Ploy . . . These ones are experts at leaving no physical evidence for us to prove what our heart is telling us is>> true. Because we can't prove what they are doing, when confronted, they will say that we are fearful, suspicious, jealous, resentful, and have a lack of trust. We may be the only one that knows the truth about them, and this is a hard place to be in. This ploy teaches us to always listen to our heart, and to not get into these situations in the first place. Remember . . . authentic trust is earned . . . not commanded! We should never get rushed into any situation until we know the ones we are dealing with. Being impeccable with our energy means supporting those that have proven themselves, and also exhibit integrity, honesty and most of all accountability for their actions. It also means to be impeccable with ourselves. Integrity is not about being perfect spiritual beings. It is about true motivation and commitment to doing the best one can for personal and planetary awakening.

The Spiritual Hypnosis Ploy . . . The younger ones are masters at fascinating costumes, melodic speaking, mesmerizing movements, decrees, affirmations, incantations and spells. They speak in grandiose terms. They try to captivate and spellbind us so they can steal our energy while our consciousness is sleeping. We can get caught up in this because they can falsely echo and imitate the energy of the ONE. But we are left with a hazy, sleepy, tired feeling that is unnatural to the energy of the awakened collective.

The Victim Ploy . . . If other tactics quit working, the younger ones might become desperate and slip into "victim mode" or the "I am innocent" game. This is hard to see as we immediately go into compassion for them, as again we all want to serve. They gain our sympathy and trust because they know about our compassion and innocence. This ploy gets us into agreement to help them. This sets us up to have our energy harvested. If we continue to help them, they will farm us until there is nothing left, and then dump us for the next energy source.

The Spider Web Ploy . . . Old Atlantian Power Lords are masters of working with the collective web that all life is a part of. They understand that all things are connected, and they use this knowledge to their advantage to harvest and drain us and all our relations. Once we let them into our field and allow them to connect with us, they can drain us. Because the collective is all ONE, the younger ones have also learned to steal our light by going through unconscious, unaware others. We will feel this as a strange dark energy or personality shift in a person. This could take days or months to manifest. Remember, they are tricky and will do this slowly so you don't notice the shift. This is remote energy stealing. This is a type of psychic cording. It can be a messy, dark spider web of draining energy.

Other ploys . . . They like fighting on their own turf as this gives them a geographical advantage. They like to divide & conquer and use the element of surprise to keep us unbalanced. They like to give nice compliments to soften us up, and then they come at us with underhanded energy stealing and unexpected jabs. They will paint the illusion that they are working for the betterment of the awakening of humanity, but our hearts will tell us that their focus is only narcissistic in nature, and their only concern is fame and fortune. We may not be able to prove these facts, but we will know they are true. We don't need to know these ploys because if we listen, our hearts will tell us when we are in their influence. These ploys are completely foreign and unnatural to most light workers and true healers. The collective, in its awakened state, knows no feeling of going to battle, darkness or manipulation. So when we come into contact with these ones, we are blind-sided for a time. So we must learn to listen now. All in all, these younger ones can be our best teachers, as they open our eyes to how we are not respecting our energy.

Now we know what to do. It is time to set the younger ones free from our energy fields . . . those that time and time again misuse the light that we lend to them. We will rescue them no more. This is spiritual tough love. If they do not face their inner darkness and demons like we all have done, they will never know the sweet taste of self awareness and true freedom. The fact that they do not know their true inner power and light hurts us all, and the entire planet. This unconsciousness keeps us all from paradise . . . our promised land. What we are asking is not an easy journey for us to do. Remember, impeccability in this time of the shift is critically important. It is time to accelerate support in areas where the light shared will be multiplied. We will only lend our energy to fertile soil. Where we put our light and power is what we will feed. Feed the hungry wisely. With love for all life and the awakening of the diverse ONE.

The Delphi Oracles, and the Hathors, the Mothers of Humanity at Dendara, and by and through Aluna Joy.

Aluna Joy Yaxk'in is an internationally known author, spiritual life coach, sacred site guide, alternative historian, ordained minister and modern mystic who inspires and encourages others to recognize and accept their own authentic divinity and connection to God. Aluna>> Joy Yaxk'in, PO Box 1988, Sedona AZ 86339 Ph: 928-282-6292 Webpage: http://www.alunajoy.com/>> E-mail: alunajoy@alunajoy.com>>>> Copyright © 2008 - Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this article on the condition that the content remains complete, full credit is given to the author(s), and that it is distributed freely. Center of the SUN - Aluna Joy Yaxk'in, PO Box 1988 Sedona, AZ 86339 USA Ph:928-282-6292 Ph/Fax:928-282-4622 Email: alunajoy@1spirit.comwebsite :www.AlunaJoy.com Related articles...>> FAQ ~ Being Psychic 101 ~ A Basic Course Click here FAQ - How to avoid being Psychically Attacked a.k.a Black Magic Click here THE NEW TEACHER Jeshua and the Great White Brother/Sister Hood Click here SPIRITUAL WOLVES - CLAIMING SPIRITUAL INDEPENDENCE Click here *Also posted in GERMAN and DUTCH"- End of quotation -

My own input at a few forums regarding the issues of the dark powers and the questions surrounding dualism versus Oneness:

1.Owning life in its entirety seems to me to be the key... It is easy to speak of Oneness this Oneness that but so much harder to truly embrace it. How many can HONESTLY say they can do it? Even if we can grasp it every day life brings challenges and so we are always learning. I would agree that fearing fear is really the worst. It's like resisting resistance. That is amplification if anything. When we quickly recognize it and transform it as soon as we can, it manifests less. Simple huh? ;-)

2. At some point we become aware of acting out a drama but we can't just obliterate it, so it becomes a bit of a schizo situation where we know we are not that but we still have things to figure out (and mostly by ourselves because we have free will, no one can tell us exactly what to do, so it's up to us in the end even if we get some assistance and support). Things to do with our personlity or persona may also need to be strengthened so they become better tools for us to navigate in this sphere.

Personally I think it's not exactly 'wrong' to see dark and light as opposites but that's the viewpoint of this reality today. However, this is the reality we have to work with, and so I would recommend that the basis be real strong in this realm before we introduce other ways of thinking and seeing. See what I'm getting at? Words are sometimes deceptive as we can talk about Oneness and understand it intellectually, but living it is quite another story.

3. Unfortunately there are many ways of manipulating and the best one is to use someone's belief system and turn it against them in sneaky ways so that they become unsure of themselves. The self-doubt will then finish off the job very nicely.

There are opinions, and that's a neutral fact. There are different ways of expressing opinions, and that is for sure less neutral! The only thing we can truly be responsible for is not so much what we project outwards (because that truly is hard to master although not impossible) but the recognition of what our initial intention was. The sooner we rectify anything that seems disturbing to our conscience, the better. So telling someone upfront that they are creating their own negative experiences can be taken in many ways depending on the energy behind the words, the vulnerability of the object, and the situation.

4. This is what I've always felt intuitively: If I think a lot of demons and what they are capable of I will attract them. If I feel paranoid that people are demonic and out there to get me, then I attract them too. So it's good to be aware that there are dark forces wanting to hamper the ascension, but being too dramatic about it can easily lead to dismissing 'normal' human behaviour as more vile than it might be in reality. So personally, when I've had trouble in life I've been very hurt if people have made a point of staying away from me because of it. Again, it calls for discernment... It's easy also to manipulate people into believing they are dark and sinister rather than encouraging the light in them, however we should also be aware that casting pearls before the swine may not help anybody at all... What do you think?

I should add that I am not afraid of the dark and I've encourntered some forms of it a lot, and I do think that in general, I am a catalyst for many dark shadows in this realm. However, we all have our role to play and I don't want to take on more than I can handle in this life. So what I am talking about is not rejecting the dark but more like 'the right action at the right time' as the taoist and others suggest.

5. We all have our work to do and no one else can come and make a judgment whether it's right or wrong. There are so many ways to help and assist. I just wrote on another thread that I am not fearful of the dark but I have to be careful not to cast pearls before the swine and thus squander valuable energy. I can see that I tend to be a catalyst for other people's shadows, it's just something that happens naturally. However, there are times when it is not worth the trouble and it's better to turn off the switch or walk away or whatever. We do need to know what the tricks of the dark and/or confused ones are so we can be vigilant in our communication with other people. This in my opinion is the very core of the issue. This is regardless whether these are real scheming powers of the dark consciously hampering us, or just the 'normal' human derailed behaviour of confused individuals. If we are called to transform the negative energy and capable of doing so, then that's part of our mission. If not, then there are other ways to work for the good of all. We live with a constant paradox and maybe this is something to keep in mind; dualism is very much a fact on this level of being as is free will (apparently more so than I myself ever thought was possible), but so is the Oneness underlying it all and tying us all into this intricate network of life. I rather try and avoid taking sides other than the normal indignation that I feel as a human being bullied by those who are trapped in the fetters of ignorance, or by those who are plain mean and consciously pushing towards me towards traps (of which the ego traps are the worst, in my opinion). It is good not to have fear of the dark powers but this in my view stems from a very deep understanding of its illusory nature. We need to respect that not everyone has come to this understanding yet, but may still be willing to serve the ascension.

Artwork: "Viti Crater Lake, Iceland", photograph by author, all rights reserved 2003