Chaos and extreme Polarization Precede New Order and Harmony

I don't feel too bright at the moment but felt like getting a few things off my chest so to speak. Well, I am trying not to care too much about what others say about the energies at the moment, as it's really all just very confusing. What I do know is that I'm in some process of my own simply because I feel different from the way I've felt in the past. And really, that should be enough but our minds are always busy asking why, when and how. Of course, if the process was all happy and joyful it would be quite a different thing that would elicit a very different attitude from myself. But the tough parts... well, of course you can't help questioning the feeling of such extreme vulnerability. Yet surely increasing sensitivity is not always just a result of disruptive encounters and external energies that encrouch on one's physical and emotional well being? Surely increasing sensitivity makes many of those issues feel all the more unbearable, to the point where you think you are completely trashed on the inside. I have no clear answer but it seems to me that a bit of everything is true. You just cannot have new order unless you've been through chaos, and when chaos prevails on all the different levels of our being at different points in time... well there just may not be that many moments when you feel happy and complete. Yet I'm not saying there aren't some moments that allow you a peep into a more harmonious state of being... sometimes when I feel really hopeless a feeling of hope shoots up and helps me continue. And I didn't force it.

Some discussion on a forum whether Obama is an agent of the light or the dark elicited a response from me about what I perceive as the polarized nature of American mentality. The USA is a funny sort of place because of its contrasts. It's also a society that is very much at the forefront everywhere - for better and for worse. Sometimes we get so much of American culture and American issues we don't know what to do with ourselves! On the one hand Americans have so much personal freedom to be what you want to be and speak your mind, and that fosters a very lucrative market for self-help and positive thinking. On the other there's a lot of competition and many sensitive people are under a lot of pressure to keep up with the Jones's or to simply survive. Religion is also very strong and tends to colour people's perceptions to a very high degree. You often hear comments and arguments of a social nature that refer to religious sentiments. Of course, this makes for a great growing ground for any form of spiritual belief system. The influx of spiritual literature into Europe is immense. Well, in short I feel that these factors tend to create an abnormal sense of division in people's minds, and so polarities are highly accentuated. Positive versus negative, good versus bad, black versus white, light versus dark, beautiful versus ugly, and so forth. Money, success and good looks are being stressed to the extreme. Of course, this is my personal perception albeit shared with many others, but obviously anyone is free to disagree. But the point is... why do I care about the deeper workings of the American mind in the first place?

Well, on the one hand I feel very attracted to a society that encourages quite a lot of open dialogue in a language that I can understand. It may be hard to make friends but social interaction on a superficial level is certainly a lot easier over there and I find that a sort of bonus in every day life. On the other hand what I perceive as division puzzles and disturbs me. However, it's clear that it's something I need to come to terms with within myself. I need to find some sort of peace regarding the fact that reality here on Earth can be very extreme. The way things sometimes stretch very far on the polarity axis almost causes me to feel physical pain. Is it any wonder that I started my esoteric journey 15 years ago by investigating into dualism and the role of paradoxes as a way of uniting and transcending polarities? By attempting to see the reality and the truth of the two sides of a story as well as thinking in terms of "both-and" instead of "either-or" we can get quite far in changing the way we are conditioned to look at reality. I don't think it's possible to transcend polarities entirely but one can see them for what they are; two sides of one coin. Despite being somewhat skilled in this sort of thinking, I still find it hard to apply this to some of life's conditions on a practical level. Some things are just very hard and overwhelming to deal with when you're emotionally involved, and sometimes the process calls for quite a lot of patience. Anything that represents very strong positive and negative currents still stirs me...

Something quite funny happened the other day. I was in the big city when a lady called and so it was hard to hear what she was trying to say. She was disappointed that my exhibition in my home town was not on anymore and was wondering if she might see my artwork elsewhere. She said she was with a "mystic group" who were doing an excursion to my town, but she was worried about finding things to do there (no wonder!). I spontaneously invited them to my house. She was thrilled. I said, well as an artist I'm only very happy that people want to come to see my art, so really the pleasure was on my side! I couldn't quite make out what she was saying about food so I offered to serve them some coffee and tea. She was even more thrilled. She didn't think something like this might be possible. I was very happy to be the agent of such a positive occurrence in these people's lives!

Well, I cleaned my house and rearranged bits and pieces that I had meant to deal with for a long time. I made an apple pie and small sandwhiches, realizing I missed having a tea party but also feeling terribly out of practice. Everything went fine and took exactly two hours as I had anticipated. Still I talked a lot about my art but not nearly as much as I could have... I understand that people have a very limited ability to digest new information and it didn't seem to me as these people were quite as much into esoteric thinking as I had initially thought. The leader of the group was a real darling and very perceptive about my artwork, so I got a lot from hearing her comments. Contrary to people's beliefs, I don't mind hearing alternative interpretations of my artwork. The point is not to get across a specific idea, but to awaken a response in the other person. This is how life works; we can never communicate an exact thought or feeling but only hint at them and hope that another person responds to our signals in some way or another. Their experience is just as valid as mine, regardless of the source. This lady said she felt comfortable expressing her views because of the allowing atmosphere, and I was more than happy about that.

However, I could easily have found myself in a very vulnerable position. If no one had shown genuine interest I would have felt devastated. So my desire to have some kind of in-home gallery in the future might have to be revised. Of course, I don't know about the future but at the moment all the inner processes and emotional havoc in regards to online dating has left me even more sensitive than before. There are moments when I feel completely trashed on the inside and don't have a very strong feeling of self-esteem.

I was thinking the other day, that I sometimes feel a bit inferior because I'm not a healer like so many other spiritual people. But the truth is, you don't have to be a healer just because you trod a spiritual path that means the world to you. There are other things you can do that stimulate change (and maybe even forms of healing) in yourself and your environment. Also - some things you learn about in this life may be used in the next. You just don't always know where your life is heading, all you can do is try and stay in touch with your sense of purpose and do whatever feels meaningful even if it presents you with a lot of challenges. Not everything is always easy. Some things that used to be easy can become very arduous because the level of your learning is much higher. Do not despair if you're not quite like anyone else.

Artwork: "Emotions 2/6", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2003

Generating Kindness and Generosity In Every Day Life

Easter was a heavy time but after that I found it easier than before to keep a positive attitude on a regular basis. I would run errands in town and notice how cheerful I felt as I was struggling in the chilling wind on my bike on the way back home. I noticed how willing I was to erase bad feelings that had existed between me and people I was forced to be in touch with. For instance, a much dreaded visit to the social service worked out ok as I decided to try and be as open as possible about my issues so that she would have no questions or doubts in her mind... (ok I admit I was using a strategy of war by wearing her out with my ramblings so she couldn't think and only wanted to be rid of me, lol, lol)... after that I've felt more comfortable to turn in my monthly report and know that the bill for my electric heating will be taken care of. Some time ago I was taken by surprise when someone who represents the green card lottery program of the USA called me and talked me into paying for it without telling me that I can also be in it for free. Being Finnish, I am not used the assertive American way of selling things, and so I fell for it... Though I am upset about the commericalism that abounds, I've tried not to regret the 200 € I had to spend on the green card lottery I try and send it some kind of blessing instead...

Somewhere deep inside I have come to feel that the worst is over now and so I can let go of some of the fear I was feeling for many years when I sensed that I had many challenges and learning lessons ahead of me. Whether things will really be easier from now on or whether the difference is in my attitude, is hard to tell. I have learned recently that I am just as much an intuitive empath as I suspected, and it helps to re-establish my sense of self-worth. My past relationship took a great toll on me since my sensitivity was highly criticized. Now I need to re-instate a sense of empowerment and reclaim my right to be a highly sensitive person. I hope that somehow I will be given the tools to bring in more clarity on this issue. As it is, it is still hard for me to tell what is what - when I am worried I am not always sure it is because I sense a real problem or because I am being paranoid due to past conditioning. I so hope that someone or something will help me out of this confusion (unless I come up with the solution by myself, of course, which is what usually happens). I need to somehow be very clear on what to do when the end of summer arrives and I have to decide whether I should leave my apartment for good and how to do it. As it is, right now I have no way of validating the relationship that is calling me to leave my country and settle in America instead. It makes me feel inadequate, although I am really just being realistic and aware that true love needs a growing ground in order to flourish. Opening my heart to someone is not something I take lightly at all. Who knows, maybe what to other human beings may seem like flaws in me really are my strengths and things that I should embrace as valuable assets... I am sure that many are realizing the same these days. It is time to stop trying to fit in and making ourselves smaller than we really are just because of peer pressure from our social environment. Of course I am not advocating some silly ego tripping in which we go out with our 'truths' and impose them on the unsuspecting people out there in the world...

What really happens when we stabilize our sense of self and come to greater clarity about who we really are, is not some kind of vague loss of ego and slavery in the service of the greater forces. I remember how the idea of enlightenment always bothered me while I was into studying transpersonal theories and mysticism back in the '90s. Something just didn't really seem right. Although I embraced Mahayana Buddhism to a very great extent and especially felt kinship with the ideal of the Bodhisattva (Avalokiteshvar or Quan Yin), I just couldn't see myself as someone who would disappear into the Source in order to start all over (in a manner of speaking). What is now being brought out under the umbrella called 'ascension' actually helps me realize that the traditional way of enlightenment is not necessarily the only way of becoming free from the obligation or desire to return to Earth (Samsara). What makes much more sense to me is that I do indeed personify some form of Bodhisattva ideal but that my work on Earth may be finished by the time it is my time to go for good. Ok, I'm saying this because it's something I've felt for a very long time but have not found confirmation about.

What I am trying to say is that a stronger sense of self and Self, i.e. the experience of a greater emergence of both into each other and a more secure feeling about one's life's purpose actually engenders more love, kindness and generosity. This is because the stronger and more empowered you feel as a result of a true integration of life's lessons (as opposed to an inflated ego based on illusions about oneself and one's 'mission'), the less you feel a need to defend yourself. If at the same time you make a conscious effort to encounter your peers and your challenges with a positive frame of mind whenever possible, the more it will become a second nature to you. After all, new tracks have to be created in the brain...

Love is not something one has to force. If one is willing to allow it to grow and blossom in a natural way, then it will. Follow your intuition and create objects that inspire love in you wherever you happen to be. Have a pet (there's nothing like feeling adored due to the good feelings you are instilling in this little creature!). Spend a little on flowers. Try and avoid dwelling on injustice - resolve it as quickly as you can and then get on with your life. Try not to take things personally - most criticism reflects the critic more than you. Try and do things that make you feel creative and accomplished. Find places where you can generate kindness without having to worry about whether people want it or not (I find this part quite tricky, since I often feel that my gifts are not wanted). I have for instance found that photo sharing sites on the internet are good places in which to make other people feel good about themselves. Sit down and browse images you like and give comments. It's a guaranteed kick to make you feel better too. When you feel rejected or ignored by others (which again is a feeling that is very normal in this world and I tend to feel it all the time), try and let go of it in a conscious way. Sometimes you may need to bring your hurting feelings out, but I would suggest that you try not to pressure the other party to respond to them the way you expect them to. I know from experience that this is really hard... But practice makes a master. Some people are willing to do this work with you. You will find that someone who is able to 'take' a little more than others.

There are still a few things people can do even if they don't have any money. In fact I would recommend that we try and forget issues regarding money transactions as much as possible. This is for the simple reason that money is a highly charged subject that can cause a whole series of negative feelings and events like ripples on the surface of the water. When I am being bombarded with the assertive tactics of salespeople I get very cranky and confused, because they may be tempting me to buy something that I really want, yet I feel that their strategies are not morally sound and that maybe I should have no part in it even if the end result might be fun for me. While I am not against the fact that we must sometimes pay for services, I am trying to practice discernment about the ways in which this should happen so that no one involved feels distress about it. This may very well be the reason that I've been poor for a great part of my adult life. I am trying to figure out ways of getting around these moral dilemmas. And sure enough, when I can have some fun for free or for a very reasonable charge, I feel happy! (Ok, I am sad I don't have my own credit card but I am grateful my father trusts me enough to allow me to have one in his name...). But anyway, this joy is sure to spread like ripples as well! So let's forget (metaphorically speaking) about the super packaged goods in the supermarkets and go for the simplicity of an old time country market. Let's also be mindful about the issue of greed. Wouldn't you agree?

Artwork: Digita Abstract Photograph by author, copyright 2008