The Paradox of the Moths Attracted To the Light

I'm not sure I will be able to make sense in this line of thoughts, but I will try... The subject is a complicated one, and my brain may well prove to be too small to express what I feel.

In my opinion, moralist creeds of a Victorian kind are of a lower level on the evolutionary ladder (a friend pointed this out and I whole heartedly agree!). On the contrary, speaking the truth the way it is (though without any kind of manipulative intent) is of a higher order. I also think that if you do speak your mind in a straightforward sense without assertiveness, you might still be looked upon with the evil eye by those who adhere to a more moralist, law abiding way that likes to apply rules and not freedom of speech. I think this happens to some people, and it is not a funny constellation for either party. Of course, no one can help that they are at a certain point in their own evolution, and so each should be met with due respect. Easier said than done, however! I find, that sometimes resorting to strong words is the only way of being heard and gaining respect when in conflict with strangers in daily life. It is deplorable, but is there any other way? Of course, one could try sending love to the enemies, but truth to say not many of us have it in us all the time...

Observe, that I am not advocating immoral behaviour or that we should not respect social laws. I am only saying, that there are areas that are ambiguous (such as religion and texts related to them) that can be interpreted in various ways, and so a very rigorous fundamentalist approach to such creeds is truly dated and obviously not a working concept in the modern world! I venture to suggest that rituals and formulae belong to a lower level of existence and don't matter in the higher dimensions where the consciousness of only very few human beings reside. I leave it up to each and everyone to ponder the meaning of this statement.

Some terminology before I go on: by evolution I mean the development of the individual as well as the collective consciousness. By frequency I mean what colloquially speaking people mean when they talk about being on a certain wavelength. This is connected to the point at which a person is on their own evolutionary ladder. By dimension I mean steps on the evolutionary ladder, almost interchangeable with frequency. These dimensions are represented in our body by energy centres or vortexes of energy, commonly called chakras.

I think we live in a time that is very trying on us and so occasional lack of motivation, apathy and even depression is to be expected. Some of it may be due to a kind of hibernation in which the mind and the body allow for changes to occur in the unconscious parts of the self. Some of it may simply be sensitivity to all the heavy issues that are being dealt with on the collective level. Some agree with me that there is something like a suffocating blanket of darkness arisen from a process of purification of the collective mind. I do see and sense a lot of processing going on among people in the media. I do believe this will amount to a transition of the general level of understanding and insight, but as in all processes of change, both joy and suffering is present.

I've been having problems with the beginnings of an ulcer, and it's very obvious that it has a lot to do with being dependent on other people's decision making and how they distribute money to me that is rightfully mine. A big issue is the feeling that people don't see or hear my needs, but impose their own view of who I am and what my problems are in an assertive way. Another issue is disappointments in regard to friends who seem to care less than what I'd expect from a friend. The standard answer would be to let go of expectations and whishes, and not allow yourself to feel like a victim. Well, I'd say that is easier said than done! However, I've heard that abdominal problems do occur on a large scale among sensitive people right now, and so I feel quite confident that it is also a matter of picking up collective issues. It's also tough to be sensitive and see such a lack of altruism in this world, and this must surely affect our emotional self. In addition, the evolutionary transition or shift is now supposed to arise from the dimension represented by of our third energy center (the solar plexus) to the energy center of the heart (the 4th chakra/energy level). So, is pain in the solar plexus area and maybe lower too as many also struggle with second level issues, really all that surprising?

I want to point out, that in no way do I feel truly powerless. I feel powerful beyond measure, but somewhat powerless within the confines of the reality that my persona has to endure. That is but a part of me, however. I am not speaking of mental division such as schizophrenia, but a deeper sense of not identifying all that much with the smaller self.

I ran into a question today though, and am still not sure how to tackle it. I read, once more, how we should embrace the qualities of people who annoy us and not only love them, but see them as part of ourselves. Of course, we are a collective entity and so individual separation is ultimately an illusion. Now I've been very much into shadow work so the idea of people projecting onto others what they don't want to see in themselves is not foreign to me at all. However recently, I've started to feel completely incapable of looking inside for resonance with people around me who create disturbance. It's as if somewhere inside, I feel I've had enough of that and that it's time to see people for what and who they are and stop taking on part of their issues. Why must I always take the blame for everything that is going on in my life? Maybe some things just are the way they are regardless whether my consciousness is there or not, and so the crap that I happen to recieve is arbitrary in the sense that the target could be anyone, but I happen to react to it where someone else wouldn't say a word or think twice about it. I am trying to say, that things are so many faceted, that saying that there is always a clear one-to-one relationship between you and something bad that's going on is simplistic. I mean, a person might be born to face a war, which is perhaps part of his or her life's purpose. On the other hand, the war might be a side line where something else is a more important reason for this person to be born at that particular time. In the end I'm sure all these issues are intertwined, but perhaps not always quite as we think. What people think usually has very little to do with the truth.

In a way, if you accept what wrong others are doing, surely you are then sliding into their frequencies? These might be lower than where you want to be. I was quite surprised that this particular person whose view point I am referring to and who is an authority in this field, was advocating "the embrace" and at the same time saying that lower and higher frequencies cannot exist in the same place. To me this sounds very contradictory. I understand that we are all one and so in a sense acceptance is a valid and even necessary attitude. But on the other hand, do all of us really have to do shadow work (looking inside to see what in ourselves matches the external reality) for the rest of our lives? She seems to be saying that on the one hand we have to co-exist, but on the other we don't have to. Get my meaning?

Could it be that some of us just have to take a lot of crap because the world is now in a state of chaos and people who represent "higher" values (by this I mean that they have a more spiritual and above all, broader, frame of mind) attract more narrow minded humans who are possibly a bit like moths attracted to the light? After all, forerunners and prophets have always been spat on or adored in an obsessive way. Or is there a third alternative, a paradox, where both viewpoints are true, and how in this case does it manifest? This is, after all, a dual reality, and in order for anything to move forward in an evolutionary (developmental) way, opposites must be joined together. I keep hearing proposals of a new reality that is very much caught in an either-or constellation. So maybe my question is not so much whether those lacking in light are attracted to those who are able to manifest the light or whether some who manifest a lot of light attract negative things because they fail to shine all the light they really are. Maybe it's rather, what is the way in which one can accept a conflicting constellation based in dualism and transcend it? I have been thinking about this for so long, yet all I hear within myself is: "just relax into life the way you know how to!"

Artwork: "Emotions 3/6", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2003

The Dark Night of the Soul In this Age of Transition

For those who have been following the esoteric teachings of today it may be clear that the planet is going through an ascension from a lower level of existance to a higher one. We are not alone; there is a multitude of beings from other dimensions and planets who are here in one form or another to assist in this radical process. Because all this affects the collective mind, some of the manifestions of great change can be quite radical and baffling indeed. For many, it entails a clearance of any old issues that hold them tied to the past. A wealth of emotional issues will surge to the surface. Not to mention all the confusion and stress that sensitive people pick up from those around them and from the air, so to speak.

There are plenty of people who focus on the happier side of all this and are able to convey encouragment in words of love and unity. I, however, seem to be here in order to help others unveil the more painful side of life (see my blog on the Shadow). This includes past conditioning that keeps us trapped in destructive patterns, traumatic experiences, as well as resistance to change. The more we know about all aspects of the psyche, the better we can become at mastering the seemingly erratic fluctuaitons of the pshyche. It is my belief that there should be no more secrets or competitiveness between people (how else can we experience true unity on the practical level?). I do see that even within spiritual groups, there are popularity contests and hubris (people desiring to show off their level of spirituality). I hope this will pass soon though, since all this is part of the ego issues that need to be acknowledged and cleared out.

I myself have followed the "news" regarding the various phases of energetic infiltration since Easter, when the changes really became obvious. I could see that many of my reactions seemed to mirror the cosmic fluctuations. It sometimes seems very hard to tell what is personal clearance and what belongs to the collective consciousness or other people's issues. We truly are all interconnected! Some like to take measures and shield themselves of the external influences through methods such as grounding or creating an experiential octagon around themselves. For various reasons I find it hard to focus on such things but I do try and ask for help from the spirit guides or entities that are around to assist. My own life has been rather complicated so there is plenty to clear. I wish I didn't still have so much to deal with, but alas...

The feelings of anxiety and loneliness that I wrote about in my previous blog are very common symptoms right now. If this is the case with you, I can only suggest that you accept it for what it is and ride it out with the confidence that this is necessary and perfectly normal. Don't let other people's superiority bog you down. You may have very strong feelings of darkness and hopelessness, but this too is in the order of things. I will include an old blog I wrote on the Dark Night Of The Soul for those who want to contemplate this possibility. I myself have had a lot of emotions to deal with for several years since I started to unravel that which had earlier been denied and tucked away into the far corners of the mind. I have come to understand how hard it is to master them. On the one hand they give us information about our external and internal reality, but on the other hand we also need to let go of them in an appropriate way and not cling to them in an excessive manner.

This summer I have found myself very lonely indeed - the only close person in real life is my mother. I have also kept up the contact with a man on another continent with whom I tried to form a relationship last winter. As he started a new job, our contact is diminishing to just a very short time in the afternoon. Since it's summer and I try not to isolate myself inside the house all the time, it's not always possible for me to be at home when he is able to talk to me. And so what I see is a relationship that is slowly fading away like coloured paper in the sun. The paper - or friendship - will no doubt persist, but the colours - the emotions - are disappearing. This is the case with me, as far as I know, not with him. Thus the process of detachment has been excruciatingly painful - for reasons of personal disappointment as well as compassion. I think it's quite obvious that right now, I am not apt to exuberance. One more dream has dissipated with an aftertaste of disappointment and sadness, but hopefully it will give room for something new.

The sensation of floating in mid-air with nothing to hold onto has been mentioned as one of the symptoms of this global transition, and so I can only assume that forces are at work in my own life as well and that new order will ensue out of this state of physical chaos and emotional turmoil. One needs to let go of all thoughts and expectations that reflect the old 3D reality, though not of faith, of course. Holding onto hope is not an easy thing to do, however necessary. It is more than plausible that those who are dedicated to their spiritual path for the good of all and are righeous at heart, will experience a glorious future. If I can do nothing else, at least I can try and invoke help. Do not be too hard on yourselves. These are not easy times and there is no need to pretend otherwise. All this will eventually pass.

The following excerpt was written a couple of years ago while I was still feeling that this is my last life on this planet, yet I was unable to understand how I would be granted an exit unless I became enlightened. I now have reason to believe that there are other ways if your purpose for coming here has mainly been that of showing and spreading unconditional love and compassion, and a desire to assist humanity as part of the One.


THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

This expression was developed by St John of the Cross, who suffered intense feelings of loneliness and desolation prior to his enlightment. To me, enlightenment is not a simple thing. As usual, I have given it too much thought - presumably too much since it has caused me to feel distressed.

Hasn't anybody else had any anxiety connected to the presumed fact that we are just coming and going like the breath of the wind, creating movements in space and thus an illusion of time, that what we experience is real but in a deeper sense it's not…? Everybody seems so eager to go towards the state of oneness! But it means that your individuality disappears. Classical mysticism has it that we live a certain amount of lives and then we go back to where we came from - oneness. We dissolve.

I found when I started to think about this a lot it really made me anxious. Yes I know, it's just the ego that's struggling to stay alive. But jees. I didn't ever imagine it would struggle THAT much. I'm not sure I should label what I have been going through, but to me the past ten years have been like dying. The medieval mystic John of the Cross said that this is “the dark night of the soul”. I felt somewhat comforted to hear this from a friend of mine who was studying this phenomenon. It made sense to me. I don't know if that's what I was going through, but it sure sounded like it. It's a time when suddenly everything becomes really meaningless. What's the point in living if you are going to dissolve soon anyway? Yeah, it's going to be a relief because this life sure wasn't all so great, so why can't it happen quickly? But the ego speaks up and says, hey, what about me? Don't I mean ANYTHING? Was I just a joke? A pasttime? Or even worse… nothing really worth mentioning at all. Just some dream in an all-encompassing Creator's mind… A fleeting moment of pleasure and pain. You find no real comfort anywhere, because you're staring into empty space… and you're alone. And as John says, even God is no longer there to comfort your tortured soul.

This thing I had got a bit better when I was thinking that maybe I can choose to go onto some other level instead. I don't know, reside on some other planet in another galaxy or in another dimension or something. I was struggling with my will to live. I knew that I can create my own destiny in some sort of way. Suddenly the ego, that had seemed only like nuisance before, became important. The ego seemed in fact to be just a facet of my soul, of the identity that I have created over the centuries. Does it really have to dissolve into nothingness? Maybe not. Who really knows? So this thing got better. I felt more willing to see this life through, to take care of my karma and see to it that when I leave, it's going to be with the feeling that my real potential can finally come into being. Sadly, I don't think it's going to happen here on Earth. There are boundaries on Earth. And although conducive to creative thinking, it can probably be found on a bigger scale somewhere else…
I was worried, though, that I might fall out of a state of grace and land back on Earth after a while. This is what the Buddhists warn you about. They say, you can reach the realm of the Gods, but it's still the same old wheel of life, Samsara. Sooner or later you'll start collecting karma again. And there we go. No escape. Back to Earth to pay back your debts!

Isn't anybody worried about all this? Doesn't it all strike you as a battle that's lost already when it began? But I know, we should think of planet Earth and the state it's in, and what we can do to raise the level of consciousness of humanity. Yes, that's no doubt what we have to concentrate on. The rest will just come naturally, won't it. After all, we are 100% natural beings.

Later addition:
I have thought the pursuit of enlightenment a wee bit spooky. Of course, if you look at zen buddhism then you'll see that they don't necessarily envisage an idea about dissolving into a state of bliss. When asked about enligtenment, they come up with some funny koan that you can't understand with your mind (the most famous one I believe being what does it sound like when one hand is clapping). To them it's about a surrender of the mind to the impossibility of ever being able to make any sense out of life.

But although I've heard of various versions of what it might be, I am not an expert on the issue since I haven't experienced it in this life time, so I just wanted to bring out some of my own contemplations and see what others feel. I know we should stay focused on the present, but I can't help wanting to “get somewhere”. Since we are submitted to an evolution within the timeframe, I think we do get somewhere eventually. But whether it's a final stop or what, that is not something I can say much about. The reason I'm eager to get somewhere is because I am in a process that is very heavy and tedious. I think it's normal to get fed up with something that doesn't seem to change. Imagine that you're a cleaning lady but you hate being one, and you are always waiting for the day to be over, but then the next day you are still cleaning and cleaning. On the other hand, if you're on the road going someplace then you don't necessarily always think only about the goal, if there are fun stops on the way. I guess I am thinking that some of us have cleaning to do and others are in it for the joyride.

That said, it doesn't necessarily exclude the idea that the tedious and drab existence can change into something more pleasurable, within that particular lifetime. I know that one is supposed to grow awareness and all that - it's maybe a kind of meditative state of enlightenment when you are very aware and mindful all of the time, and then it's not supposed to matter what it is you're doing. If you are cleaning the house or benjijumping. I think it's something I try to keep in mind but there are times when it's just not possible to pursue a certain way of being. Worries, difficult emotions, hardships, illness - all this stress can be very overwhelming. Sometimes all we can do is just try to hang in there.

Artwork: "The Alchemy of Change", collage on paper by author, copyright 2008