A Lonely Valentine's Day - How to Deal with it?

Many people really dislike Valentine's day because it reminds them of lost love or non-existant love. There is no hope of getting a traditional anonymous card or gift of admiration. Most men who are in a relationship are fretting about trying to find a gift. Of course, a man hates to feel obliged to show their love because of being asked to. Many women feel the same. One of the few times I got flowers sent to me they came very late in the evening because the owner of the local flowershop didn't have time to deliver them earlier. What a bummer! As it happens, the man who sent them was the only man who has come even close to actually loving me in a way that one would expect (I have to say that he did try very hard to make it work and he did come back for me as well). So of course that's a loss that is hard to forget until something better comes along - IF it comes along. Anyway - as I've approached middle age (lo and behold!) I've started to resent all the holidays that are being imposed on us. Most of them leave you feeling vacant and disappointed. I used to love Christmas but even that has turned into a nightmare as there's only me and my mother and we have no money to spend.

I've noticed that Americans are big on all sorts of holidays and special occasions, including the infamous American style weddings that leave people in debt for decades. Everything is done grand style, which truthfully is something many of us do dream of (but not so many are able to put into practice). I wonder how people hold it together. All the planning and decoration and spending money must take a great toll on everyone. With the obligation to keep smiling it must be a true nightmare at times if you are not able to share the burden with other family members. One trend I've noticed online though is the attempt to come up with days that have some kind of "positive theme". It could be kindness day which means that you have to say something nice about other people. I rebel since I don't want to be told when to be kind nor do I understand why I should have to be told to be kind in the first place! Another big theme is that of gratitude. If you ask me, I have a natural feeling about things and sometimes I feel grateful when it's appropriate and other times I'm angry because I have a reason to. I doubt that my life would change radically if I went around forcing myself to say gratitude about everything every day. Alright, alright, I understand that you're supposed to really feel it. Ok, I get the idea. But I hate to be preached about it. I'll still prefer the watercourse way, that of letting yourself feel what you feel and learn about the anatomy of your inner life in the process.

Maybe the sense of the end of times (c.f. all the apocalyptic prophesies and lightworkers' assemblies) create even more tendencies in people to want to preach a truth that is going to help save the world. I've talked about this before so you might as well just read my previous posts. I've noticed, though, that a certain barometer of spiritual sentiments has gone up big time in the past few years. I have no doubt that some of it is very healthy and a sign of caring and a sincere wish for growth. But some of it is simply annoying as it's attempting to enrouch on other people's belief systems so that we will all walk the "right" path towards salvation. Spreading the love by attempting to make people feel something when they aren't feeling it naturally is to me a bit of an abomination, because it usually entails the opposite as well which is to deny the negative feelings one might have. It would be much better to talk about mindfulness and the allowance of feelings to come and go in a natural manner. And I am implying, that it is truly a natural occurence. I also maintain that we will naturally feel what we need to feel when it's appropriate if we have learned to be open, flexible and allowing towards ourselves and have some understanding of the anatomy of feelings.

Cool off, take it easy. For the majority of us in the Western world it's going to be an oppressive Valentine's Day. But so be it. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling and I am sure you'll be relieved. If possible, pamper yourself and do nice things that takes your mind off the collective hysteria. If possible, meet some good friends. I'm invited to meet with some women who are about 20 years my senior. But they are good people and above all, they are real. I am done with trying to connect through the internet, especially with men. It's doomed to failure. If you ask me, I think a great part of the men who spend most of their leisure time by the computer are either hopelessly addicted nerds or real creeps.

Artwork: "Other than Chocolate", handmade collage especially commissioned for Valentine's Day 2009, all rights reserved.

The idea is to encourage people to show their love in many ways and not just by giving the traditional chocolate box, or the heartpatterned boxers, for that matter. Love shows in words and actions - that's when it truly comes into its own. Especially actions speak volumes... Companionship and the fusion of two people's love is like a special lock to be opened with a special key... which is yours? And how do you unlock another person's heart in - in the unique way that will do the trick for them? The star on the lock is an esoteric symbol of feminine and male in conjunction.

Dealing With The Anxiety Of Releasing Our Old Life

It is strangely quiet all around. I suppose many are ruminating, contemplating, reflecting... and that is wonderful. Now if ever is a good time to ponder our set beliefs and question our conditioning. It is also a time that brings feelings of distress to the surface. I am sure that many of us feel embarrassed about it! Shouldn't we be stepping up the ladder already and not wollop about all sorts of things that are not even any of our own business... However, Karen Bishop explains it quite eloquently. We must not meddle with other people's paths but allow them to find their own inner stability and realization. This to me is a very painful process, as I have always felt a great need to assist and guide as much as I humanly can. Now I have to step back and watch all the misery that surround me without interfering. I think that what I feel is an anxiety based in compasssion on the one hand and disappointment of having to let go of things that didn't work out on the other. It is strange that the more you let go, the harder it seems to become, because the uncertainty and emptiness becomes ever more obvious. And then the waiting... the knowledge that there is nothing one can do but wait. Meanwhile all sorts of thoughts and feelings pass by and one must be vigilant not to allow them to hook up within you so that you get more bogged down than necessary. Still things of the past suddenly show up and shake you in a way that it never did back THEN! All I can say is that increased awareness of one's own emotional life enhances the sense of vulnerability, however without the benefit of being able to see the bigger picture yet.

For a while I was getting verification that all my secret intuitions of this life were indeed signs of insight and knowledge and not haphazard. Things that I suspected but had no way of confirming are now coming true. However, now, most of the time, it's all just quiet... in an almost spooky, ominous way. Occassionally there are some new things coming in, information that is totally unexpected. Many of us are wallowing in a sea of uncertainty, where many basic things are really hard to deal with. Even staying put as Karen Bishop suggests is hard, because it enhances the feeling of waiting and the impatience that follows thereupon. I do feel very strongly that allowing things to be without the urge to control one's life with too much assertion is very important right now. This she has been suggesting as well, and I wholeheartedly agree. I feel guilty to feel anxious of all this emptiness and the need of holding back on things that I feel tempted to affect in one direction or another. But I think there is nothing else we can do at this time. I thought I knew about all this already but apparently the sense of urgency and energetic infiltration is ever more present and causing ever more inner pressure! There is not much to hold onto and this we must accept! The new cannot enter unless we stop seeking ways of releasing our anxiety instead of releasing our old life!

All I can say is... be careful what you wish for, and what you think of yourself... I hope this artwork brings some thoughts to mind. It's called "Who Will Get The Rose?" (collage on paper 2008, all rights reserved).

Who is truly pure at heart?

Generating Kindness and Generosity In Every Day Life

Easter was a heavy time but after that I found it easier than before to keep a positive attitude on a regular basis. I would run errands in town and notice how cheerful I felt as I was struggling in the chilling wind on my bike on the way back home. I noticed how willing I was to erase bad feelings that had existed between me and people I was forced to be in touch with. For instance, a much dreaded visit to the social service worked out ok as I decided to try and be as open as possible about my issues so that she would have no questions or doubts in her mind... (ok I admit I was using a strategy of war by wearing her out with my ramblings so she couldn't think and only wanted to be rid of me, lol, lol)... after that I've felt more comfortable to turn in my monthly report and know that the bill for my electric heating will be taken care of. Some time ago I was taken by surprise when someone who represents the green card lottery program of the USA called me and talked me into paying for it without telling me that I can also be in it for free. Being Finnish, I am not used the assertive American way of selling things, and so I fell for it... Though I am upset about the commericalism that abounds, I've tried not to regret the 200 € I had to spend on the green card lottery I try and send it some kind of blessing instead...

Somewhere deep inside I have come to feel that the worst is over now and so I can let go of some of the fear I was feeling for many years when I sensed that I had many challenges and learning lessons ahead of me. Whether things will really be easier from now on or whether the difference is in my attitude, is hard to tell. I have learned recently that I am just as much an intuitive empath as I suspected, and it helps to re-establish my sense of self-worth. My past relationship took a great toll on me since my sensitivity was highly criticized. Now I need to re-instate a sense of empowerment and reclaim my right to be a highly sensitive person. I hope that somehow I will be given the tools to bring in more clarity on this issue. As it is, it is still hard for me to tell what is what - when I am worried I am not always sure it is because I sense a real problem or because I am being paranoid due to past conditioning. I so hope that someone or something will help me out of this confusion (unless I come up with the solution by myself, of course, which is what usually happens). I need to somehow be very clear on what to do when the end of summer arrives and I have to decide whether I should leave my apartment for good and how to do it. As it is, right now I have no way of validating the relationship that is calling me to leave my country and settle in America instead. It makes me feel inadequate, although I am really just being realistic and aware that true love needs a growing ground in order to flourish. Opening my heart to someone is not something I take lightly at all. Who knows, maybe what to other human beings may seem like flaws in me really are my strengths and things that I should embrace as valuable assets... I am sure that many are realizing the same these days. It is time to stop trying to fit in and making ourselves smaller than we really are just because of peer pressure from our social environment. Of course I am not advocating some silly ego tripping in which we go out with our 'truths' and impose them on the unsuspecting people out there in the world...

What really happens when we stabilize our sense of self and come to greater clarity about who we really are, is not some kind of vague loss of ego and slavery in the service of the greater forces. I remember how the idea of enlightenment always bothered me while I was into studying transpersonal theories and mysticism back in the '90s. Something just didn't really seem right. Although I embraced Mahayana Buddhism to a very great extent and especially felt kinship with the ideal of the Bodhisattva (Avalokiteshvar or Quan Yin), I just couldn't see myself as someone who would disappear into the Source in order to start all over (in a manner of speaking). What is now being brought out under the umbrella called 'ascension' actually helps me realize that the traditional way of enlightenment is not necessarily the only way of becoming free from the obligation or desire to return to Earth (Samsara). What makes much more sense to me is that I do indeed personify some form of Bodhisattva ideal but that my work on Earth may be finished by the time it is my time to go for good. Ok, I'm saying this because it's something I've felt for a very long time but have not found confirmation about.

What I am trying to say is that a stronger sense of self and Self, i.e. the experience of a greater emergence of both into each other and a more secure feeling about one's life's purpose actually engenders more love, kindness and generosity. This is because the stronger and more empowered you feel as a result of a true integration of life's lessons (as opposed to an inflated ego based on illusions about oneself and one's 'mission'), the less you feel a need to defend yourself. If at the same time you make a conscious effort to encounter your peers and your challenges with a positive frame of mind whenever possible, the more it will become a second nature to you. After all, new tracks have to be created in the brain...

Love is not something one has to force. If one is willing to allow it to grow and blossom in a natural way, then it will. Follow your intuition and create objects that inspire love in you wherever you happen to be. Have a pet (there's nothing like feeling adored due to the good feelings you are instilling in this little creature!). Spend a little on flowers. Try and avoid dwelling on injustice - resolve it as quickly as you can and then get on with your life. Try not to take things personally - most criticism reflects the critic more than you. Try and do things that make you feel creative and accomplished. Find places where you can generate kindness without having to worry about whether people want it or not (I find this part quite tricky, since I often feel that my gifts are not wanted). I have for instance found that photo sharing sites on the internet are good places in which to make other people feel good about themselves. Sit down and browse images you like and give comments. It's a guaranteed kick to make you feel better too. When you feel rejected or ignored by others (which again is a feeling that is very normal in this world and I tend to feel it all the time), try and let go of it in a conscious way. Sometimes you may need to bring your hurting feelings out, but I would suggest that you try not to pressure the other party to respond to them the way you expect them to. I know from experience that this is really hard... But practice makes a master. Some people are willing to do this work with you. You will find that someone who is able to 'take' a little more than others.

There are still a few things people can do even if they don't have any money. In fact I would recommend that we try and forget issues regarding money transactions as much as possible. This is for the simple reason that money is a highly charged subject that can cause a whole series of negative feelings and events like ripples on the surface of the water. When I am being bombarded with the assertive tactics of salespeople I get very cranky and confused, because they may be tempting me to buy something that I really want, yet I feel that their strategies are not morally sound and that maybe I should have no part in it even if the end result might be fun for me. While I am not against the fact that we must sometimes pay for services, I am trying to practice discernment about the ways in which this should happen so that no one involved feels distress about it. This may very well be the reason that I've been poor for a great part of my adult life. I am trying to figure out ways of getting around these moral dilemmas. And sure enough, when I can have some fun for free or for a very reasonable charge, I feel happy! (Ok, I am sad I don't have my own credit card but I am grateful my father trusts me enough to allow me to have one in his name...). But anyway, this joy is sure to spread like ripples as well! So let's forget (metaphorically speaking) about the super packaged goods in the supermarkets and go for the simplicity of an old time country market. Let's also be mindful about the issue of greed. Wouldn't you agree?

Artwork: Digita Abstract Photograph by author, copyright 2008