Integrity and Dissidence

Integrity has become more and more important to me as I have been on a crash course with a lot of people. I used to be a bit of a "nice girl" and even to some extent a people pleaser. I always put up a smile and was therefore liked by most people. However, at the time that I became more connected to my denied emotions I also got involved in relationships that were not very good for me. Since I have my condition I do need adventure and stimulation but the right amount... impatience and pushiness only causes my heart to race and I get very wound up. Nowadays, after years of difficulties in relation to other people and life in general, I can say that I have almost no stress tolerance at all. I'm very sad to witness my own lack of fuse... So what I need to do is try and stay away from people who are choleric and impatient with me.

Now the trouble is... I have discovered that I'm quite stubborn and as my discernment has grown as a result of dealing with so many kinds of people I have become quite unsubmissive. This may well cost me friendships that could be of some use in my life. I try and cut the B.S. as soon as I can... At times I'm simply so overwhelmed by things that I react a bit too much and too fast - and so I scare some people away. This is really not who I used to be but the past few years have changed me. The sad thing is, that people will tolerate it as little as I tolerate other people's negative behaviour. Of course they cannot understand why I don't respect their wishes while I don't understand why they contact is based in something that looks like complete and utter selfishness to me. Don't get me wrong; I never yell and scream at people I don't know very well. That is reserved to very close relationships or situations were people are complete and utter assholes... it happened recently at the social security office. The point is that when you feel cornered and helpless you lash out in various degrees depending on the gravity of the situation. The relationship that contains some degree of dependency will nowadays do that to me because I've had enough of stupidity.

People who try and help will of course advice me not to react to the sorry ones who don't know better than to attack or pester me in some way. It is indeed very true that when you show no reaction, people have nothing to bounce off. This is however quite difficult when you have a pathologically low stress level and your exhaustion is a fact. I have realized to my horror that although it helps to narrate things that happen to me, I probably come across as judgmental. I say; let the ignorant ones blush. Show them a mirror! But the problem is, there's a time to stand up for your rights and there's a time to be passive. I have practiced a lot of passive response now for many months while I've been pondering all this. There have been many instances where I have decided to hold my tongue because I knew that speaking up would change nothing and only make me appear as immature. However, speaking up is also a way of drawing attention to you that can be the start up of change both in your own life as well as in the lives of others. These things need careful assesment.

One owes it to oneself to protect one's integrity because people are unfortunately often quite selfish and will use you if you don't. Frustration and anger can be fuel for new choices and constructive change. But too much of it will only exhaust you and make you look like an irrational fool. I wish that my writing will help people realize that they need to open up to others and connect, as well as be more understanding of those who suffer from various illnesses. The ill ones already have enough on their plate and don't need more... I am indeed a dissident and I think the world needs my and other dissident people's voice as much as ever. The world the way it is today is not okay!

I'm also painfully aware that I get nervous and irritated with people who seem narcissistic and shallow in their cry for the best and the fastest right here and now, and I don't always have the strength to dig out some compassion... And so I judge. As some people recently pointed out, there is no reason to blame another person for not following your expectations. It's rather ludicruous to think that they or you are wrong! Though people may yell at you while you're minding your own business and that is not a nice thing to do, ultimately it's about incompatibility. We simply cannot go around and feel angry about all those who don't understand us - they are way too many. Well... I admit that it's not easy but I try and brainwash myself to let go of any resentment of having been treated badly or any mistakes that I feel I have committed in relation to others. After all, I was not alone when it happened... if there had been a will there usually would have been a way...

Basically, however, I come in peace and hope to be treated the same. Being judgmental is part of our basic psychological make-up as human beings, and I don't think we can abolish it altogether. But we can try and remind ourselves to minimize the judgmental thoughts. Give the brain 2-3 weeks to adapt!

Artwork: "Emotions 3/8" ("A Peace Offering"), handmade collage on paper made by author, all rights reserved 2002

Zen Or Anger?

My previous blog stirred some unfortunate havoc at another place where I posted it, but it also inspired thoughts on anger. I do hope people who read it realized it was partly an old blog that I wanted to find a home for, and so I got the idea of joining it with thoughts I had yesterday. However, the issue of anger is an important one and while the adrenaline is still flowing, lol, I thought to post a few of my thoughts. It's not comprehensive by any means and I will probably get all sorts of answers that throw me, but here it is anyway...:

Sometimes things just build up in our lives and they are out of your control and so you feel anger or frustration. It's normal, if not even necessary. Especially for women it's important to recognize their anger so that they don't end up feeling victimized. Being softer and more empathic than men, we are probably more prone to this 'condition'. I think being zen-like is often a false attitude. I feel that many spiritually attuned people adopt this attitude because it's cool and they feel in control, but it doesn't feel real to me at all. It's a way of the powergames, of patronizing and trying to make you submissive. To TRULY reach such a state you have to be very accomplished indeed. Usually the 'fake' type of zen-like people (the hypocrites) are know alls and will do anything to prove other people wrong with their sheer attitude of superiority. They may be good at manipulation, subtle techniques of rulership. Then there are people who are angry all the time. This is the A-type and they obviously have a problem. Note that I do not agree that we should be angry all the time, it's hardly constructive to anyone. Then there are the ones that are angry for a good reason, when it seems appropriate in relation to the situation at hand. Think for instance of the 'holy anger' of Jesus.

There's a forever ongoing discussion of whether we should act out the anger we feel or not. Most research seems to indicate that if we don't, we'll have psychosomatic troubles and risk becoming ever more bitter people later in life (look at some old women who had a disappointing life but had to be quiet because the husband willed it). The best thing is to try and find a safe way of acting it out but of course it's in the nature of anger to be very impulsive. I believe men should contain some of it, of course, but to remove it altogether as in some kind of lobotomy would be to remove a part of our defense system. It's of course good to try and take the compassionate stand, however I find that it usually comes afterwards... Unfortunately. They also say that it's better for couples to vent their frustration every once in a while. A partnership without any arguments tends to be a dead one. Not always, but often.

I don't really feel ashamed of my anger, it's a natural and sound reaction and it makes me act and not just accept all sorts of crap in a submissive way. That to me is being a spiritual warrior. But as I said, right action at the right time. I too make mistakes of course, get angry about things when it wasn't really necessary. Anger to me just shows how deeply something affects me. In some way it helps me feel whole, and AS a whole. The trick is to get out of it quickly and really reflect on the purpose of the confrontation or reaction. Again I don't like confrontation. But anger makes me more audacious. And to tell you the truth, sometimes there's a certain satisfaction in having the audacity to tell someone off. On the other hand the argument often doesn't stop there. So sometimes the best thing would be to just let it go (which I do to sometimes), when you know it's not going to lead anywhere. So basically it's a question of discernment. We do have to sometimes let someone think they have the upper hand or we'll never be rid of them!

A friend of mine just said that she has noticed that raising your voice in anger sometimes is the only way of getting people to shut up and respect you - think of a school class, for instance. Sweet talk hardly ever works unless you have some magical charisma that stunns everyone, lol... I am sorry I have been very upfront about certain types that I see around me but then I think I have a gift/curse of seeing through many an act in this world, and it is not funny. Unfortunately I have a condition that makes it very hard for me to wind down once I've been provoked. It takes great efforts of trying to calm myself consciously, but it may still pop back up again very soon after, due to the mental overload. Of course I hope that gradually we'll have worked out all our issues, found a good mental attitude, and can live in peace. By that time we are hardly truly human anymore. Until then...?

Artwork: "Who Will Get The Rose?", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008