Gentle Advice For the Chronic Insomniac

My insomnia started as a result of emotional trauma, some ten years ago. As I was against taking drugs I resisted for a year, but got increasingly burned out and had to give in to them in the end. Herbal sleeping aids may help some but is not strong enough for me. Contrary to what many doctors tell you, some of the drugs that are supposed to help you fall asleep (but not necessarily stay asleep all night which a real sleeping pill would do), can actually work for years (Zopiklon in my case, you may need to look up the generic names, e.g. Lunesta in the USA). Doctors prefer to prescripe other "non-addictive" things such as Seroquel, which in higher doses is meant for epilepsia and psychoses... Well, it makes you drowsy and may work, but I'm not convinced the sleep quality is very good. One of the problems for many insomniacs is the lack of deep (restorative) sleep. This is for instance true in cases of fibromyalgia or chronic stress, where the nervous system is not able to wind down. Amitriptyline which is an old fashioned anti-depressant may help a bit in this case, but the side-effects are not very nice. They include dry mucus (for instance resulting in tooth decay and trouble speaking) low libido, and god knows what else that I have now forgotten. Anyhow, sleeping disorders may be very complicated and it's hard to get proper help. GP's and many psychiatrists like to make you think that you don't really have a problem because they don't understand the workings of the nervous system and the mind-body connection. I thought to compile a little list of things that I find helpful though, hoping that some of it might help others.

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  make sure that your bedroom is clutterfree. This is really, really important. Make it into a really cosy sanctuary with lots of soft cushions, a fluffy down duvet and good quality bed linen that has NO polyester in it. Change your sheets quite often, at least every fortnight. Make sure there are many layers of cotton underneath you if you have a foam mattress. Make sure the bed is soft enough to induce a feeling of security. The bedroom should never be used for anything but sleeping. I can't stress this enough! It really makes a difference. Sometimes sleeping on the ground floor can be a problem because you subconsciously may feel that someone could come in through the window. Try and see if this is the case. If you only have one floor, make sure the window is well blocked at least with heavy curtains if not in other more drastic ways.
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  make sure your bedroom is dark enough, and that it's neither too warm or too cold.
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  you might need to wear ear plugs. I have worn them for years...
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  According to Feng Shui, your head should face the East. You can always try... I turned my bed around but made other changes too so it's hard to tell whether this could have made a difference. Feng Shui also tells you not to have mirrors facing your bed, and to me that's really just common sense.
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  research has shown that having some carbohydrates before going to sleep is helpful. So the old adage about milk and cookies is correct. I find it calming to have some soyamilk or night time herbal tea along with a sandwhich or cake. Some say a small piece of dark chocolate is helpful.
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  alcohol can be bad for the quality of the sleep but sometimes a glass or two of wine can be helpful in calming the nerves. Don't make it into a habit, though.
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  lavender oil (make sure it's essential!) can be burnt in an oil burner or sprinkled onto something close to your nose. I find that it really does have a soothing effect. You might like to experiment with different brands, possibly from different countries of origin.
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  some incense may help. I find that some cheap incense from Thailand has a woody note that soothes me. You have to experiment to find out what works for you. There is also lavender scented incense but again you have to see which brand works for you. For me, the scent of rose is also conducive to positive feelings. If you can, keep some beautiful fresh flowers by the bed.
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  sit up in bed and meditate before sleep, if you can. If you have a helpful partner, he could stroke your back while you gently fall asleep.
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  get enough exercise in the daytime, for instance a half-hour walk or more. Then do some gentle exercise such as yoga or light weight lifting in the evening.
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  Qigong is very helpful in tuning in with your body and calming the mind. There's something you can do when you're already in bed - it's an exercise called LaQi, but it's by no means exclusive to Qigong. You hold your hands in front of your navel as if holding a bowl or a ball (the hands should not touch each other). Slowly separate them by moving the hands further apart, about half a meter. Then move them back again, slowly. Keep doing this for a while and find that your energies settle a bit (you're "collecting" and "building up" energy between your hands).
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  lying on a bed of nails (look it up online) for half an hour before bed is helping me feel more relaxed.
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  try and remember that your body does know how to fall asleep and don't buy into the mindclutter that tells you that you just can't. Breathe deeply, connect your mind with the whole body, and have faith that nature knows what to do. Don't get frustrated if this doesn't immediately solve your problem; rest assured that at least it's helpful...
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  going to bed at the same time every day is an important thing to strive towards even if the mind may make all sorts of excuses to avoid it. One problem could be the feeling of not wanting to get up the following day, and so you postpone going to bed... try and counteract this by sticking to the schedule and finding reasons that make getting up in the morning into a more pleasant experience. It could simply be having more time to wake up and having something nice to drink or eat that you can look forward to. If watching TV first thing in the morning works for you, then go for it! Whatever helps...
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  it really is best not to watch TV before bed, especially not an engaging movie. For some, reading a boring book helps but in my case it makes me have to focus and so it has the opposite effect. Looking through a magazine and dreaming about a beautiful home seems like a better option.
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  whatever is on your mind needs to be dealt with, so write it down or settle an argument before sleeping. Seriously consider cutting the cord with people who distress you on a permanent basis. Do whatever it takes!
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  footmassage to yourself with some pleasant oil is a good idea.
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  sometimes, soft music can help you drift off to sleep. The choice is obviously yours, it could be New Age music, nature's sounds (birds, rain, waves) or something alternative. There was a time when Steven Reich's drumming was helpful to me. Now I prefer complete silence.
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  last but not least; a sense of security is really important. You need to address the emotional issues that may make you feel insecure. Try and feel that nothing out there is out to get you, or that you are surrounded by benevolent forces that keep these negative energies at bay while you sleep. Having another person in your life that helps you feel safer could be a solution to some of these problems. Feeling vulnerable is not a crime...

As a side note, I'd like to add a few viewpoints on the way doctors often look at insomnia, especially in relation to a chronic illness of sorts. It's rare to meet someone who truly understands what it's like. You usually get referred to a psychiatrist, but they may not know much about insomnia per se (for instance, which medicines are really useful and not just "horrid addictive ones") and even less about the physical issues involved. If you're one of the unfortunate who suffer from ME, CFS and/or fibromyalgia, for instance, then the condition will affect your sleep in every conceivable way. It's all very well to talk about regular sleeping schedules, but when you're overly fatigued one day and extremely hyper the next, following a regular schedule can be next to impossible. It's also very disruptive if you are in a phase when you wake up a lot and thus loose hours of sleep. You may not be able to cope with the loss of even one hour of sleep. Getting up to do something else is just plain stupid advice. You might also find that you have to leave a party much earlier than anyone else because you can't cope with a disturbed schedule the next day).

I find it very stressful to try and juggle with medicines so that I can rest assured  that I will fall asleep when I'm supposed to. It's already hard enough to motivate myself to stick to schedule! Doctors rarely understand any of this. A shrink I had said that for one thing he doesn't believe fibromyalgia exists, for another I just need to stay up for two days and then I'm sure to sleep! Yeah right. I'd sleep for 24 hours, wake up bright as a morning bird - at four in the morning! Try and stick to schedule - it does help. But you might have to be prepared for some anxiety in relation to all the arrangments that need to be made to ensure that this really works.

Artwork: Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2010

Looking For Reasons Why Things Are So Difficult

So my sleeping has been really bad. The only psychiatrist in town said I should stay up all night and then I'd be tired the next evening. I try and explain to him in vain that usually, if I'm tired I don't get sleepy but terribly wound up instead, so it's even more difficult for me to sleep. I so wish I had access to someone specialized in stress and the workings of the autonomous nervous system. Mine is just not working in a normal way but no one is able to understand it properly and to help me. Anyway, I am afraid to stay up like that, because I know how crazy I get and I just can't handle it right now. My mom also said I could get ringing ears and what have you. Last night I was extremely wound up due to all the decietful or ignorant people I've been dealing with this year and especially at late.

I'm also due for a photo show of the photos I took in the US last winter but turns out my ex-friend (I really don't even think it's appropriate to call him a boyfriend as I personally never felt it) saved my photos in a very small format that is almost good for nothing. Half of my photos are also missing. I think I'm pretty much ready to leave all of that behind once my puny show is over and I finally get (if I get) all of my stuff back from his house. But naturally I am still pretty angry and upset that I trusted his so-called expertise and a bunch of other promises.

My previous woman psychiatrist used to prescribe a medicine to help me sleep that usually helped when all else failed, but my new male doctor doesn't want me to take it. Last night I thought to heck with his opinion and managed to find a few I still had left and I slept like a baby all night. What relief! After all, I'm now on much fewer medicines so there is no way it can hurt me to take it now that I am fretting so bad.

Now to the real issue: why are things like this right now? Ok, when it comes to many people I have chosen to trust in at least partly (it's quasi impossible to get me to trust anyone completely) I have obviously been too gullible. Sure I believe in karma, but when it comes to my bad relationship I suspect the reason for the complete let down is mostly elsewhere (unless you go as far as to say that my bad choices are karmic too, which technically speaking they are but let's not get into that shall we.) I don't have trouble with personal boundaries but I guess there are times when we want and hope something and it leads us in the wrong direction. We allow for people to influence us or even manipulate us and we either think that it's something we just have to accept because nothing can be done to change the situation or we keep hoping things will get better by some miraculous twist of fate. It's not necessarily that we don't see that something is wrong right from the beginning, but we are indoctrinated to believe that since we cannot change other people, we must accept them the way they are. I personally also always believe that if a person shows up in my life, it's for a reason. So I try and listen to my inner directions and do what I think I'm supposed to do. There have been times when I've left a relationship very early on because the inner feeling that I wasn't treated right was strong enough. But in recent years I've been very hungry for a relationship and for leaving this town, and for some reason that I still don't quite understand, easily nailed down by someone else's willpower.

When I broke out two years ago from the relationship that is the only meaningful relationship I've ever had, I vowed not to accept less than the best the next time around. But I wasn't strong enough to withstand the temptation to try out a couple of relationships after that, thinking as I always do that I am not capable of falling in love so the love is something that will come in time. I've taken pretty high risks by allowing these guys to persuade me into entering a relationship with them. In retrospect I wonder how crazy a person can be - and by that person I am meaning me. I learned a lot about human nature, that's for sure. Maybe it will be of some use in my next incarnation. But still... Well, I guess I finally "got it" since no one has entered my life now for a long time - I am now even more careful what I go for. I guess I am not ready for anything really meaningful and good.

From a spiritual point of view, it would probably be better if I felt more connected to Source first before I venture to pour out all my love onto a human being (I have to add that I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, companionship enriches and lightens up my life enormously). That is to say, I am connected or I would have given up on my spiritual beliefs a long time ago. Someone who seemed to be speaking the truth said that I am more connected than I think I am. It makes sense in some rather weird way. But I am in waiting for some kind of opening. I don't feel that there is much I can do to speed it up. I feel that I've been immersed in darkness in this life so that I would know what it's like. I can't guarantee that this is true but it feels right. I feel that a greater sense of connection belongs to me automatically and that I shouldn't have to work for it. It's rather like having an illness that you just have to wait out because the body will repair itself.

This brings me to the teachers. I am totally weary of all the spiritual advice that people are selling out there, since it always sounds the same. Today someone passed on a link to Abraham Hick's website. Very kindheartedly, I should add. I've heard of him, sure - he's recommended by many. But I personally saw nothing new there. Words, words, words... there's perhaps a point in time when they don't matter that much anymore, and all you really need are feelings and support of the heart. The quote of the day puzzled me. It was: "Overwhelment is about you not being up to speed with what you told the Universe that you want. The Universe is yielding to you. You're just not ready to recieve it right now". Ok. Let's see. The first part I understand as a person manifesting their own reality based on either subconscious or conscious desires. Of course, sometimes things that you feel excited about crumble because of some fear you have, for instance a fear that the things won't come true or be good. On the other hand, the soul may also be looking for really tough challenges to strengthen you by. For instance, being in the dark with only an inner knowing that life is fundamentally spiritual may be one of the toughest challenges a person can ever have. Now after all this reasoning, the part about not being ready to recieve stuff doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever (I'm not saying someone else might not resonate with it). All I can think in my case is that my physique is not able to cope with all the input that is coming right now so I feel overwhelmed and in some sense one could say that I am "not ready". The big question is also, what could I possibly have manifested that's so great that it's a shame to be missing out on it because I'm not ready? Hm, that's how I interpret it anyway. Also, what does "ready" mean? Ready mentally, physically..? Because there's a line of things that has to occur or be taken care of first or because one is still emotionally or mentally unprepared? Was the quote helpful? Well, to me it's just the same old platitudes that really don't mean anything truly significant at all. It's like reading a tarot card and putting your own meaning into it. Sometimes that can clear your thoughts but does it really help you to find out how to deal with the present situation? Putting bandaid on a wound is one thing, healing is another. With all due respect to others who feel differently - this is just how I feel and it's helping me to write it down...

I don't know... I feel no desire whatsoever of reading stuff for general guidance. All I want is to know what I personally am supposed to do and why I am feeling the way I do. (Even simple personal support is helpful at this time.) Why am I having to deal with so much negativity in my environment? It makes me feel really unwell and totally washed out and terribly upset at the same time. Well, the simplistic and oh so popular answer would be that I attract it because I am being negative, and that I am a loser because I can't overlook all that and not allow it to disturb my balance. Brrrr! Why must everyone always be put into the same category? I don't think I am being that negative. Am I?? Well, my intuition is that I am having to see all this in order to learn something for the future, and what I'm witnessing is what is really real. I am just not able to sugar coat my vision. Even when I'm trying hard to neutralize my thoughts I still see... What I see and sense is very stressful input that I understand mentally but have a hard time not feeling in my body. (I've always considered myself a realist but am hoping it's not an excuse for anything). I also think that all the negativity is like a cloud of smog that is rising upwards to finally disperse. I think that a lot of higher frequencies really are being inflitrated into our realm and it's really messing people up so that their egos practically shine from the exposure to the light. I am also sensing great pressure again, coupled with my overwhelming sense of stress. We're approaching Christmas and as far as I know more energy of love does make its appearance around that time. So perhaps it's also about the infiltration of energies that our human selves are not used to. The worse an experience is, the better the good one will feel. I also think that we need to accept and understand that absolutely EVERYTHING can crumble at this point in time, as new structures must emerge. So even in our own lives nothing, absolutely NOTHING, can be taken for granted. It's very unsettling and maybe why I have such strong feelings of insecurity, as I'm picking up on the collective chaos.

Artwork: "IF...", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Doctors Should Be On a Quest For Atruism and Creative Thinking

I work every day with my cognitive disposition, and try and look at the brighter side of things. I also don't deny the negative feelings but try not to dwell on them for too long. Despair and hopelessness can create just that, but it's probably one of the greatest challenges for mankind. So many are in disempowered positions and need to feel that a brighter future lies ahead if they just manage to hold onto hope and also act when needed to improve the state of affairs. Yet I seem to be failing... Maybe the answer is simple: maybe my soul simply has not had all of the more challenging experiences it came here to get, yet. I know for sure that my life's purpose is not an easy one and that it does involve a desire for altruism and honesty. But god I'm so tired... I am so at the end of my ability of assimilating so much adversity and ignorance in my environment. At times I truly wonder what guarantee there is that anything will ever improve. Statistically or rationally speaking my chances are really slim. Yet I can't deny that there are avenues that could open up if the Universe is willing. It does involve a lot of work from my side - more than I really have the capacity for. But I am trying my best.

Since I quit the drugs that were suppposed to help me sleep plus act as antidepressants, my insomnia has gotten really, really bad. The "quit" caused un upsurge of energy but I also suddenly had to face a whole lot of concrete issues to take care of. Maybe it was just as well that I rested for a month but it might have screwed up my sleep functions even more and also postponed stuff that I should have dealt with during that time. Unfortunately many things are worrying. I am very upset that my American ex boyfriend hasn't followed up on any of his promises. First it was the question of "I'll come and get you no matter what". Then it was stuff such as "I promise to send you your stuff very soon...", and the "soon" was soon long gone and nothing had happened. Some foreign student from Japan who he hardly knew was apparently more important (support-wise, money-wise) than supporting my photoshow by sending me the prints left from last show in the US as promised. Apparently she had tumours all over her body, fell in a coma, and eventually died. Ok, it's sad and all that. But according to my principles, someone close to you is always more important than someone who is a stranger, especially if promises are involved. This negligence towards my show which is causing me a lot of headaches due to a number of technical problems just doesn't seem right. I know he wanted to stay "friends" but this is another case in point: I don't do postrelationship friendships. Am I being negative? I try not to fret but the truth is, the waiting for my things and constant reminder of my disappointments regarding the relationship in question is really bugging me, not least at night.

I went to see the doc today. Unfortunately, due to national healthcare there is only one doctor who can deal with my insomnia and other issues involving mental health rather than the purely physical side. This guy gave me some negative vibes right from the start: believing he is so well read that he knows exactly what he's talking about. Turns out he prescribed stuff that was aggravating symptoms I have anyway. But the most shocking thing is his attempts to get me to eat an antidepressant that supposedly releaves psychosymatic symptoms. This time I told him, hey, I do NOT have pshychosomatic symptoms, they are somatic. But what about the fibromyalgia, he asks. He knows for sure that fibromyalgia is a host of psychosomatic symptoms that, apparently, one should mind ones way out of. "Luckily" in this case, I don't have classical fibro but a spinal deformation that causes the same symptoms. I've told him so many times, but nothing registers. I finally showed him my back, whose issue is visible, and forced my case. But needless to say this experience left me very distressed and nervous about the future. I had hoped that he would be knowledgeable about medicines since his reputation promised he would, but all I get is the inability to see the whole picture and take the course of treatment from there. So right now I feel clueless. But I'm trying very hard not to feel hopeless. Who knows, I could still sell a best seller or marry a rich man.

Artwork: "The Vocation", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Insomnia and One's Life's Purpose

There are two movies with this name "Insomnia", but try and watch the Swedish version if you can. Anyway, I am not going to talk movies. I am going to talk about how following your bliss or your life's purpose can cause you insomnia!

In a recent blog I mentioned that my life's purpose seems to be to live the life of a human being on the level of normal humanity, without really feeling that I belong here on Earth. I have a lot of intuitions about things that seem to indicate an inner knowing of a different kind of reality. Be it as it may, I am highly sensitive and have had trouble adjusting to the rather coarse spectacle of human dramas. I am totally fascinated by them; in fact it has been suggested to me that I am working towards a particular job in a future incarnation which will involve the understanding of human behaviour, the interaction between humans, and human emotional reactions to life's challenges. This totally resonates with me. I am not really terribly interested in other facts of life though I used to find it important to have a solid ground regarding the common knowledge of things.



I further believe that the power of my mind is responsible for the complete shut down of my emotional life when I was still very young, though there could obviously be a lot of other reasons as well - including esoteric ones. It took me years to open up and understand what emotions are all about. One could say they are a kind of mediary "substance" (astral energy) between the sphere of the mind and the physical realm. When it's lacking, it's very hard to relate either way. It doesn't necessarily imply that someone is a psychopat, however it could lead to serious mental disorders. I mean, the way I see myself is that I was emotionally illiterate and had to learn about emotions, not that I was only incapacitated by family dysfunctions. I had a lot of inner knowledge of right and wrong as a young person and I was never a bully. I don't think anyone suspected that I actually could not feel things the way others did but had to mimick what I was able to read from the behaviour of other people. I did manage to save myself from further damage though and so I have tried out for quite a number of years now various ways of living with a rather emotional disposition. Unfortunately, my nervous system was already so damaged that my physique is not able to support the intensity of my mind and my emotional self. Along with all the input that today's world offers us humans, it is simply too much. I get stress. I have had had insomnia for ten years now when life long stress finally tipped me over emotionally.



One thing that does stress me very much is trying to figure people out. I seem to be constantly working to accept that people are people and that they will let me down. For instance, most women would agree that men often give promises they don't keep. It's a bit of an expression. But why is this? I don't understand it and I cannot stand it. So I fret over men who have promised me the world but delivered next to nothing. Some women are of course like that too. I don't understand why people are not loyal to someone they communicate with. Shouldn't this be a priority, a disposition one should work to improve? Many people don't seem to see their own issues very well at all. This also surprises me. Well, in short, most things about humans surprise me. To make matters worse, people are not always consistent. To some extent, they are easy to predict. Then there's also the strong element of unpredictability. When can you really trust someone? Where is that line where you feel, ok, now I truly trust this person? When do we even get a chance to test this in the first place? Perhaps in my case it would have been easier if I had had sisters or brothers. I don't know. I do know that I trust my mother though. Time has shown, that despite the problems she had when I was a child and she wasn't able to take good care of me, we do have very similar views of moral issues. One could say I've inherited her views. Well, I'd say, why must the chicken always come after the egg? I think this is something rather typical among humans, more often than not things are viewed as "this is the cause of such and such". Take premonition for instance. Why not simply believe that some people actually have premonitions and not take for granted that someone is lying about having had one after something already occurred? Same thing here; maybe my mother has been influenced by me rather than vice versa, or (as I think), both. And maybe there is also a natural resonance between us that is the reason I picked her as a parent in the first place. Had I picked differently, I would have had a different set of challenges. This is what I believe, anyway.

Something started to come loose for me a while ago, and now things are happening at a rapid pace. In fact, even good stress is stressful and I still lie awake at night worrying about my belongings that my ex cannot afford sending to me and how angry I am with all his broken promises. I also worry how I'm going to pull off the amount of demands that life has now put on me in order so that my life situation could change for the better. I get very restless as the autonomous nervous system just won't slow down in the natural way that it's supposed to (this is not a figure of my imagination, it's a medical fact).

Anyway, a while ago I thought, "I really want out of this social trap and I want to earn money!". You could say that this was a choice and that the rest followed. Take for instance the radio documentary I'm starring that revealed all the injustice I've had to endure for four years, and how the help of an ombudsman will make it possible for me to actually make a little bit of money without having to worry that they will cut off my social aid. I am very angry that I have not been informed about my actual legal rights as a disabled person whose pension is so low that I have to resort to social security, and that the person I've been dealing with at the social office is not a social worker at all but a simple clerk!! No wonder I never felt a desire to confide in her, I could sense her incompetence but had no reason to believe that I was actually being fooled. About three months ago (about the same time that I got connected with the radio reporter), I felt strongly compelled to be in touch with a favourite music group of mine (I'm a shy person so this was not all that easy for me), and when I put a little mind into research on the internet it turned out that they are affiliated with an interesting firm in London looking for non-mainstream stuff to sell online. I wrote them without much hope that anything could come out of it, since I am so very used to disappointments. But they were interested! It looks like I will soon have greeting cards and gift wrap made from my artwork! Things are still unsure but in case this does work out I will no longer have to fear a smaller income that could help raise my standard of living just a little. Now you could say that all this occurred because I was willing change. I would say that my actions stemmed from "higher command", that is to say, my higher self or spirit guides or whatever you like to call the higher realms was nudging me to take certain actions and to believe in certain changes. Simply put: it was time. Whether the hen comes before the egg or vice versa is a really deep and valid question, and not some silly country way of talking that my American ex used to scorn at until he realized I was talking about something more profound than what he was used to hearing.

Artwork: "Me, Myself and I", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

My New Website And A Few Things About Stress

I quit the horrible drugs that made me even more unfocused than normal, fat, lethargic, painfully hungry, and emotionally and cognitively numb - and we're speaking pretty common medecines, Remeron and Neurontin. It freaks me out to imagine having to be truly dependent on these for one's quality of life. In my case, I was feeling pretty down but I am not clinically depressed, and partly I was given these also to help me sleep since I suffer from insomnia. This didn't work very well since I didn't feel that sleepy in the evening/night but slept away the whole day instead! Since I quit, I've been dieting to lose all the weight I gained and have been feeling very energetic. It's a sad misconception that benzos that are given for insomnia are always a bad alternative. In my case they allow me to actually function in the daytime. I also have had no problem tapering off or switching to other stuff when the tolerance level has gone too high. The latter is in fact the only drawback so far. Oh well, life is indeed complicated when it comes to such issues! I'm mentioning all this because many get so darn patronized by the so-called medical expertise, and it can be very tricky to deal with their opinions and prescriptions. I knew a woman once who said that her doctor would never even prescripe sleeping aid. Gee! I would be dead now if I hadn't had them, since my condition prevents me from falling asleep with ease and to have really restful, deep sleep. Some medicines are such low status stuff because the medical issue isn't considered serious enough - for instance insomnia. Many doctors scorn at it and state that it's idiopatic - self inflicted, even though a person who cannot sleep could die from it. Instead, there are high status conditions such as cancer where no one would question the use of very toxic medicines. It's also a fact that most people don't become addicted to anything - at least 70 % get out of some "phase" of addiction all by themselves when they are done with it. Anyway, it's all screwed up as I'm sure many are aware!

I'm really a high energy person and I am at my happiest when I can be that way and really enjoy doing the creative things that I'm good at during normal circumstances. It could be that I am just having an energetic and more hopeful phase right now - who hasn't heard of artists being a little bipolar in some nonclinical way? The trouble is that I tend to get too wound up and simply cannot turn off my nervous system. This over-activity of my nervous system is part of my condition and to date I have not seen a drug that would address this particular issue. I may not have fibromyalgia in the classical sense, yet the symptoms are similar. Those who know about this condition thus know what it's like to have such poor quality sleep and get very soar and achy from work by the computer. OF COURSE mediation is a great remedy, however when the world turns too fast it can be impossible to sit down. It's a bit like having ADHD, in fact.

So, some positive stress that lasts a little while is good for us and as an artist I have to say that I have a hard time creating anything unless I have this kind of stress going. But what to do when I cannot turn it off? This happened to me recently as I started to work on a new website. Although I'm using a cheap template, the stuff I wanted to fill it with took me a good three days of intense work during which I was sleeping more and more poorly. Check it out though, I think it's not bad! http://www.vivimaricarpelan.com/.

Things are starting to flow with more ease despite a few setbacks regarding people I've relied on who are lavish with promises they don't keep. Maybe it was just as well that I was resting for a while thanks to the weird drugs. Now I really have to be creative since I got a commission to custom make a piece of art for national radio's website, and found out a lot of things about my actual social rights to gain a small amount of money. The radio documentary I am in has helped me find out the truth about a lot of social injustice and that the crap that I've had to endure was indeed unfair. This is such a relief since I now feel that I can do something small to improve my life situation and it will be legal with a little help from the social ombudsman. The stuff I've endured is indeed crazy, but it will be in my book. One would think that this is hillbilly country. I never expected it to be.

There's also the promise of the collaboration with a company in London... I hope it works out as it sounds very exciting. I will also have a photo exhibition in a photo gallery in January, it's demanding but not too bad since the gallery takes care of a whole lot of issues and it's all for free! So let's hope that the good vibes continue, for me and for other people as well. I've heard rumours that the collective energies are improving.

Artwork: The Beauty of Expression, handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

Spiritual Strength & Life's Challenges

I've suspected for a very long time already that my soul's purpose is to hold onto my deeper, intuitive belief in the underlying oneness and spiritual nature of reality in the face of incapacitating limitations. The person who confirmed this Julie Redstone, a spiritual teacher who is behind this site: http://www.worldblessings.net/. According to her, one of my main challenges has to do with spiritual strength. She defines it as such:

"/Spiritual strength/ can be turned in different directions. When used to support negative energies it becomes a powerful force in that direction; when used to support positive energies it does the same thing in the opposite direction."

"Spiritual strength is important because it represents the integrity of who you are and the power of who you are to remain connected with yourself and with God despite whatever personal circumstances may befall you. It is also the power to remain strong for others should the need arise. It is a strength of knowing and trusting rather than a strength of will as applied to the circumstances of life. For these circumstances can create great limitation, but spiritual strength can remain undaunted in the face of them. /.../ Spiritual wisdom based on truth is what gives a person such strength, and it is the personality level of expression and emotion that may conceal it from the self. "

It seems that at this point in time, it's best for me to listen inwards as much as possible and wait as patiently as I can while embracing life with an attitude of acceptance of the way it presents itself. I don't know for how long I have to endure the severe limitations but there is not much I can do about them except, as Julie Redstone suggested, hold onto a sense of hope.

At times it has been overwhelmingly hard for me to hold onto the beliefs that I have naturally and have developed throughout my life. I guess this is only natural considering that I've had to deal with severe adversities in terms of a physical disability, childhood traumas and their consequences, as well as a poor economic situation. It occurred to me the other day that I've been living a kind of perpetuous "Dark Night of the Soul" for as long as I've lived this life (see previous blog about the DN). It could account for the strong sense of alienation and feeling of abandonment by supportive forces. All I've had is my inner knowing. The knowing prevents me from trying to force my circumstances in some nicer direction while I don't really feel it and believe in it on a deeper level. This may irritate many spiritually minded people who believe in the creative power of intention. I understand what creativity is about and fully support the idea of conscious co-creation of reality, albeit with the exception of times when things are meant to be a certain way in order to provide with greater challenges for the soul's growth. I also think there's a danger in giving fuel to the denial of negative stuff by trying too hard to affirm the positive outcome of life's issues. Nonetheless, I do get very strong incentive at times that urges me to jump at an opportunity, and I've never been one to miss it when it does occur.

I am by no means the only one has chosen this sort of path, so I thought it appropriate to bring out some of these thoughts. It seems that this has been a tough autumn for many, myself included. Those who believe in a collective paradigm shift have their take on why it's this way. I was contemplating whether I'd have to resort to some happy pill in order to stay better focused. In short, I was aware that I needed to try and not give fuel to negative lines of thinking and though it's always good to try and feel more hope and other positive feelings, I felt capable of "hanging in there" only. In the end I did decide to try some new medicines but it wasn't really worth it. The combination was aimed to make me fall asleep with more ease and to have better deep sleep, but I slept half the day and felt really groggy and low in energy the rest of the day. One of the drugs causes a feeling of dementia which was really troublesome when I was performing for the radio. I couldn't think straight, felt verbally uncreative, lost my words and my speech was sligthly slurred. Eew! The anti-depressant has made me feel constant hunger but even though I haven't eaten that much and am not taken to junk foods, I have gained 5 kilos in two months. It totally freaks me out to gain weight! I rather be a bit too skinny as before than chubby like I am now. I feel bloated as well, which of course could have something to do with the stomach issue as well. I'm due to undergo some serious examinations at the hospital since the symptoms are different from before.

Let's just say the side-effects of the new medication were outweighing any positive effects. On the actual emotional level, I felt like a zombie, as if the lid was on a brewing stew in a cooking pot. I was turning into someone I really didn't like at all - a mindless couchpotato! I decided to taper off. I suspect that the bouts of anxiety and nightmares I've been experiencing lately could be a result of issues that I haven't dealt with for a number of weeks... I can't say this is true for sure but this possibility is worth some consideration, isn't it? I will have to continue taking the rather straightforward stuff that I've been used to taking in order to sleep and suffer any positive consequences in terms of greater emotional volatility. But hey, I'm an artist!

My verdict: I truly do not think that you can "fix" a time of adversities by popping happy pills. If you have clinical depression for no obvious external reason then it may be a different issue altogether.

I've had to deal with people who have been incompetent or plain negligent. It's hard to contain your frustration when you're dependent on people who do their job poorly. The whole rumba to do with my social situation and the radio show that will present it has of course been rather stressful. No one wants to have to tell the whole rest of the world about one's money or social issues in a way that is not fully in one's own control. I also don't like having to point out the social people who have wronged me out of ignorance rather than plain meanness.

I have also had to endure a long bathroom renovation, having had to resort to the sauna nextdoor for personal hygiene. This is a rental apartment so it wasn't really my responsibility to see that it was done properly. Nevertheless I had to call them up quite a few times in order to get some jobs done faster (such as getting the electricity to work before the weekend), and I'm still waiting to see what they are going to do about the massive layer of concrete dust that penetrated through the cabinets and other mysterious holes in the wall. I have cleaned most of it as I couldn't bear to live with that feeling of dirt and chaos. Now the bathroom is almost done and of course it's quite the positive change from what it was like before. Who knows, maybe it's symbolic of the inner restoration of faculties of clearance and clarity of vision! Ironically, the chaos I was living with for so long incited me to rethink the layout of my whole home. When I moved to this town, I took a council flat in order to be safe as the ones on the market usually fall prey to the changes of ownership at a very fast rate. However, the "cost" is a house of extremely poor standard. Oh well. I am so ready to move out of this place and into a more comfortable and happy life! Sometimes my daydreams are so vivid I feel that they might actually come true...

Artwork: "In Need of a Break", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008

The Social Trap - Read This If You Want To Know About Injustice!

I think it is rather obvious that victimhood rules the planet. However, many spiritual people like to come down on people who they feel are victimizing themselves, while in reality it may be that there are great lessons to be learned from a state of victimhood. This is something that has happened to me numerous times, and that I always find frustrating. I know that my life has a purpose in that I can pinpoint things that are very wrong with many of the attitudes that govern our world. If I complain about issues in regards to feeling like a victim, it may sometimes be just that - a complaint. But I also want to raise awareness, that if we close our eyes to some of the things people do to each other in order to make them into victims, people could get away with murder. Which in fact, as things are now, they do! I can see that many people could gain from looking at their situation from a point of view that would empower them instead of disempower them. I am not advocating apathy! But Hitler existed for real and what happened then and all the time as we speak, is not a chimera. This is an article about social injustice the way I have experienced it, written for the ezine Scribespirit 2/3 2007. This is an important topic that I have had to learn about in this life. A choice? Who knows. I don't believe in coincidence and chance.

You can also skip the philosophy and go directly to the latter part, "later addition", which explains some bare facts about poverty in Finland.

It has often been said that being born in Finland is like winning the lottery. I live in Finland and I am on disability. Against my will, I have had to live off social welfare for the greater part of my life, so I feel that I'm in a position to make a few statements about money and power in this context. I want to bring out a few of my experiences at the grass root's level, but also some thoughts regarding some deeper values and virtues connected to wealth and poverty, namely those of compassion and generosity. It has been suggested, that a person's happiness is dependent on the environment they live in. The implication seems to be, that a poor person is likely to be less miserable in a poverty stricken environment than a poor person in an affluent environment. This is why I also want to address the issue of poverty in affluent countries.

Are there any virtues connected to poverty? I will present a couple of points of view of a spiritual nature before I dig into the more concrete facts. I think that most people would agree that the renunciation of worldly goods can be a sign of over strung religious sentiments where martyrdom is seen as a virtuous stance with the potential of removing sinful behavior. A counter reaction has emerged within New Age thinking which promotes the idea that we create our own reality and have a birth right to live in abundance. Unfortunately this kind of stance may cause an unwillingness to see and respect the suffering of the poverty stricken part of humanity. I personally agree with the new spiritualist ideas that our attitude is of crucial importance in helping us attract certain things into our lives, but this is an idea apart from moral virtues. I am thus not against the ideas that have been presented in relation to the so-called Law of Attraction (c.f. movies such as The Secret and What the Bleep do we know). What concerns me is that only very rarely do people who have it all, care much about anyone else's welfare. I think obsessing about having more money and seeing the accumulation of money as a sign of spiritual success is dangerous. Financial elitism of any kind can create more barriers between people where people might in fact gain from seeing themselves as part of a great network that is in essence One. How can we avoid the ego traps and stay real? I'm not trying to ban any contemporary spiritual beliefs. I only hope that people are aware of the deeper implications of their belief systems. What are spiritual people truly surrendering to?

Since the spiritual viewpoints are deep and complicated I hope my comments have given a little food for thought, and will leave the purely religious/spiritualist dogmas at this. I want to bring into focus the case about money in the context of our lives as human beings within the framework of society (the collective, in other words). I believe that the living conditions that are an undeniable part of reality for so many people in the Western world of today need to be addressed as a priority next to ecological pursuits and animal rescue. I think that knowing reality for what it is and understanding the problems on the collective level, is a prerequisite for transcending it. Although we need to own a healthy sense of self-preservation and look for our own happiness, I think it goes without saying that compassion and altruism cannot flourish in those who turn a blind eye to the reality and suffering of so many other fellow human beings. Maybe we are, in fact, dealing with a fundamental paradox here? Could the marriage of abundance and compassion be a solution to spiritual impoverishment? Not an easy trick to perform, I think, but then nothing of any greater value ever is, is it?

I would claim that it is virtuous to be poor if it makes you understand what life is like for other people who are poor. After all, over 90 % of the world's population is poor. On the other hand, it is probably virtuous to be wealthy if it teaches you to appreciate abundance without becoming mentally dependant on it, and if it helps you develop a truly generous frame of mind. We all have our lessons, but surely compassion and altruistic deeds are among the deepest and most important lessons of them all? I believe we are dealing with very complicated issues here. How about, for instance, trying to be compassionate of the wealthy if we are poor, and vice versa. Who can honestly say that they can do this?

It's a problem when you don't have much energy to accumulate wealth, and you get stuck in a vicious circle where you feel deprived and depressed and unable to pick yourself up onto a happier level of existence. It's also a problem if you are rich and you get cut off from the realm of the physical world the way it appears to most people in the world, and you get fixated on holding onto your money. How many people are able to sustain a good middle ground? I bet it's not very many.

Life can obviously be beautiful whether you are rich or poor. But the reality is usually that money does help to provide with a better life experience and may empower the individual with a sense of self worth, social status and independence. A poor person is likely to suffer from chronic stress due to not being able to make ends meet easily. While it is true that many of the best things in life are for free, the opportunities of enjoying these are obviously much lower if you do not have the means of paying for the various fees related to these. This could mean any number of things. How about living in a safe neighborhood, owning a car that helps you "get away from it all" every once in a while (relying on public transportation is very tiring, tedious, expensive and generally dissatisfactory), owning a pet, having money to buy plants for your garden (not everybody has a greenhouse to sow plants from seeds), paying for the ridiculously high entrance fees to museums (yes, they've gone up!), visiting social gatherings, paying for the dating services online (the prizes are outrageous!), paying for a cleaning service if you're elderly or sick, or paying for the medicines or the experts that can help relieve any physical suffering (national healthcare only provides with the means to barely keep you alive!). Many think that the elderly and handicapped get plenty of social aid. This is only true for the most severely handicapped people. The rest of us who are either old or suffer from arthritis, fibromyalgia or any other physically debilitating disease, have to make it through the day without external help. Consider also, that in Finland cheap dental care is only granted citizens born after 1954! One would think that assisting people in keeping their own teeth would be of a major concern, not to mention how dangerous it is to the heart to have bad teeth. It is ironic how much money goes into fussing with cardiac healthcare in other ways!

In most countries, living off social security (so-called "welfare", haha) means that you receive monetary help for the bare necessities only. The old fashioned mentality that depriving people as much as possible will motivate them to find work or create other means of making a living is still alive and well in today's world. New research has found, however, that this old fashioned assumption is not true at all. In fact, it is the little "extras" in life and other people's compassion and generosity that spur most people to try and better their lives. Dependence on feeble and insufficient, not always so benevolent, good-will (be it of the government or some charity), is without any doubt a very stifling and depressive predicament to find oneself in. Research has also found that it is precisely the feeling of deprivation that leads to crazy bouts of overspending. Behavior which is, of course, condemned as immature and irrational behavior by those in a more fortunate position.

For those who suffer from a chronic and hugely debilitating illness from an early age it gets even worse, since the prospect of changing the situation is bleak. In my own case the pension that I receive is of a minimum, and therefore I also have to apply for some social aid every month. Suffice to say, that the amount has not increased in 15 years although the living costs have, and that the procedures that one is put through on a constant basis are excruciatingly humiliating. Unfortunately, the social people rarely meet you with respect and understanding. One even asked me to find a little job on the side so that I could earn some extra money. I guess they don't believe that you are ill! Well... the money that I'd be allowed to earn would be minimal, and it would rob me of the social security! In practice it means that the extra money would go into medicines and electricity and not into any so-called luxury items or uplifting experiences! What do you do when you're either too old, or ill, and dependent on social welfare, and not even allowed to make any extra money in the case you could manage it physically? In fact, you do not even own the right to take a loan in order to balance up your finances, because this is seen as an income and will rob you of the social services. So what can you do? What sense of dignity can a person in this predicament maintain?

Not long ago a minister here in my home country Finland made a statement on TV saying that the beneficiaries of the social services are so well off because the social pays one's telephone bill, TV license, or alternatively a daily journal of your choice. This badly informed minister who was spreading false beliefs in the living situation of the less fortunate ones was in fact referring to the golden days of the 1980's. That was very, very long ago. Finland prides itself of being one of the 20 most affluent countries in the world. Well, I ask you, of what consequence is this when the level of affluence in a true democratic spirit is so appallingly low in the rest of the world? We all know that the governments tend to make financial cuts by reducing the social benefits so that the logistics (state loans, etc.) would look good on paper.For many, living off social security means being cut off from the external world (no TV, since licences in this country cost over 1000 US dollars per year, no computer, no telephone, no newspaper) and not even being able to enjoy the closeness and love of a pet (not counting the veterinary costs, the upkeep of one cat is at least 30 € a month. In this country nonbreed cats are not liable to insurances). This is what many in the affluent countries have to live with. This is a very real and very traumatic issue, because it is directly related to the idea that those who are not capable of making a living are second rate citizens and consequently of less value to society than those who are making a palpable contribution. All this boils down to the simple fact that a person's value is measured in money, and that authorities have the means to exert a subtle but none the less potent power over those who are less fortunate.

Later addition - more gory details: On request, I will clarify how the Finnish social system works for people on disability. If you have worked prior to your disability, you get a monthly payment that is dependent on the money that was saved for your pension. If not, then you get a very low income, the lowest being 560 € a month. On top of that, you get a couple of hundred in the form of an aid to pay your rent. For instance if your rent is low such as 400 €/month you pay about 100 € yourself out of your pension. However, if you have electric heating and/or expensive medication, you will have to go to the social services. They distract about 60 € from the minimum pension because according to their calculation you only need about 400 € to survive each month. The trouble is, this is a sum that has not changed much over the past 20 years although inflation and a radical increase in the cost of food and living has happened during this time. What is even worse is that this money is really meant only for emergency situations. It has not been intended for long term use although as far as I know unemployment money is about the same once you're long term unemployed. This means that for some odd reason, disabled people are put in the same category as people who are temporarily out of money.

If you're disabled at a young age, you have no way of creating a normal life for yourself, since the money you recieve is hardly enough to feed you, let alone feed any pets. There are only very few charities that hand out anything for free in this country - in fact the Salvation Army charges horrible amounts for their stuff. And no one will transport the things for you either. Clothes you either buy second hand (not very tempting option once you're past 40) or you start collecting debts. Ironically, you are not allowed to have a credit card because your income is too low, however post order companies willingly grant you credits since you're likely to be paying them for many years to come and they thus gain quite a bit in interest. This is basically the only way that you can acquire things such as a computer, a TV, a telephone, any other appliances for the home, furniture and of course nice looking clothes (unless you're into the bum look or happen to have a figure that works with anything you can find - being deformed myself I can tell you this is not a minor issue in some people's lives!). Now, it's obvious that many of the items listed are going to help you not get potty. We need things to do and ways of following up on stuff that's going on in the world. Yes, there is the library but it can be a long trip for some... It is one of society's finest inventions but limited, nonetheless, and also threatened to become extinct. Obviously using the library computer is not a long term solution if you really want to do things on it and spend time talking or chatting with other people. The telephone is something that even the social people expect you to have. In fact, most companies also expect you to have a computer. And now to the really upsetting part: you cannot have a TV unless you pay the licence. That is about 200 € a year. It's quite a lot of money considering you already have adsl (in my house the cheapest you get is 36 € a month) and phone bills (the cheapest deal I have is a minimum of 20 € a month), plus need to renew your equipment and appliances every once in a while as well. Not everyone has a handy/geeky husband, brother or son who takes care of such things! Forget about insurances, too.

Ok, you don't need a medical insurance in this country (not that the service you get is worth much anyway). But what about the other things (not traveller's insurance since you obviously cannot travel anywhere) - but, for instance, what happens if your house burns down because you didn't quite have the 60-100 € to pay for the home insurance? It hit me the other day and I simply could think of no other answer from the social people than: start over. This is a horryfying thought especially if you are already in debt because of wanting a reasonably decent home (some of us actually do care!). In fact, being ill is a full time job and you need to be super smart to prioritize and plan your life absolutely correctly and you can obviously have no vices whatsoever so you should basically just sit in a rocking chair, follow the spider's track on the wall, and lull yourself to sleep. Unless you have insomnia from all the worrying about money, of course.

I also want to mention that in our country, a car is definitely not considered a necessity, and it is thus something you probably won't have unless you have family that supplies that kind of thing for you. Someone who has nobody has to walk or bike. And no, the bike nor a trolley in which you can put your groceries, are not supported by the social service (my dad took pity on me and got me a trolley, and they cost 200 €!). I live about 3 km's away from the shops. Luckily the trains grant you 50% off and the bus too if the trip is more than 30 km, but it's still very expensive. My social worker wants me to move so that they wouldn't have to pay for the electric heating. She cannot get it into her head that I do not know a man or two who would pack my things and then transport them for me. Obviously, the move would be on me. The same woman thinks I should have a part time job such as teaching - basically, as far as I can see, for the very same reasons. That is, so that they wouldn't have to pay my electricity. So I, who am not fit for working, should still work so that the city can save a few bucks?

In fact, the only things supported these days are heating/electricity, and prescription medicines. Still, your social worker might ask you to pay first and then get refunded, but it can be a terrible thing if you suddenly have to get an expensive medecine at the end of the month. Once my social worker looked at my bank statement and said, oh, but you paid the 200 € with your credit card so no problem right? NO I didn't! It's a f*** bank card that usually takes the money out of your account immediately. I won't go into the details of the trouble this kind of expense could render if you have bills that need to go the same day. No pardon there! If you're into herbal medicines and such things, forget it, you can't afford it. If your pet has trouble and needs to see a veterinarian, it's on you. I have had to come up with 400 € several times because of some issue with my cats. I reckon I pay about 100 € a month for three cats, because two of them happen to be very big and eat tons. In short, there is no space for emergencies. You want to know what my reality looks like? Ok, I'll satisfy your curiousity. It is the absolute worst case scenario. And that is in a country that prides itself to be among the most affluent in the world. But sure, I have a roof over my head and stuff. Sure. I'm luckier than people in the third world country but am I lucky to live in Finland? And remember, don't try to immigrate here. They don't want more people who live off social security. It's bad for the statistics.

Let me tell you something: a couple of years ago, someone collected stories of poverty in Finland, published them and gave a free copy to all the politicians in the parliament. What is your guess - do you think anyone ever cared to read it?

Artwork: "A Matter of Priorities", handmade collage by author, all rights reserved 2008