How One's Self-Esteem Can Be Systematically Undermined

Some issues of bad self-esteem may not stem from one's childhood.

It seems to me a fairly easy task to write a best selling self-help book on a continent where so many people share the language, marketing techniques have been refinded to a rather aggressive art, and people want fast results and a guidebook for each area in life. A book with at least a similar kind of content would in my country at best provide an author with bread on the table for a year or two. Is it any wonder, then, that one of the greatest avenues for getting rich in America is through writing a self-help book? I guess I'm pretty much repeating myself here because I am so up to my ears with a lot of the self-righteous talk that you have to listen to a lot of the time. I apologize to those who are reading my complaints and feel pinned down and trust that you understand that I am not picking on individuals. I am just weary of dominanant tendencies that are obviuosly unhealthy. Anyway, let me explain a bit if I may. I apologize if I sound whiney today though.

A book is something you can avoid. People can indeed avoid my blog too! But you can't avoid the marketing and the people on the internet who are only trying to make fast money. I find that there's a vast amount of people on the internet who are energy vampires, sucking you empty in no time if you don't immediately block their access to you. It's heavy to make so many decisions about others every day. One has to guard oneself a little against a lot of imperative statements and demands. When I opened the book that made Eckhart Tolle famous on Oprah I read that you shouldn't watch TV. I put it down straight away. I can't deal with that sort of imperative talk anymore. And anyway, why not talk about the internet just as well? It's just as ambiguous in its virtues and vices. I never understood people who didn't have a natural instinct to get away from something when there's an overload. I get that with TV, the internet, food; even with the making of art. I did in fact hear in a documentary that 60-70% of all addicted people get over their addictions all by themselves, when the time is right. To put everyone in the same junkie bag is not fair, but society does love generalizations.

Psychotherapy is still mostly concerned with childhood traumas and finding the reasons why someone's self-esteem is low in adult age. I come from a dysfunctional background so I'm aware that there are areas in me that are weaker than others. In general my self-esteem has been fairly good, though. I went through a lot of training in various areas because I believed in myself. When I had entered adulthood I also became aware that I had a lot of trust in my intuition and possible higher aspects of myself that would guide me to make choices that would be beneficial to my growth. The occasional set back in the arena of relationships was easy to understand, but I figured my mistakes were showing me what wounds to heal.

However, something happened when I was granted disability and also went through a bad burn out. The relationship I entered nearly killed me off, and I'm not joking. I looked anorectic though I was eating properly at the time, simply because I was using so much excess energy trying to manage the relationship to a choleric boyfriend and his troubled pre-pubertal son. When it ended I knew I was in for a crash-down. The anxiety of having to move out of a home and a life-style that had after all provided me with a sense of security and pre-occupied my mind in order to move into a completely different form of living in the middle of a forest, was among the worst sensations I've ever had. I was literally going through wave upon wave of ice cold ripples of shock. I knew I was in for something really bad. And I was. I was a complete wreck; traumatized, burned out and trapped. This was four years ago.

I suddenly had no sense of basic security. The house I was and am still living in was a cheap cardboard box type of construction and the electric heating forced me to apply for money every month from the social security. I used to live in old sturdy apartmentbuildings with central heating. The new arrangment proved fatal in every way: I felt very insecure living close to the ground with big windows, which I was not used to, and the social security did everything in their might to undermine my sense of self-worth. The doctors treated me like a junkie because I had insomnia and someone on whom physical rehabilitation would be wasted because my condition can't be cured. All in all, there was no real help to be gotten other than some supportive talks with a specialist nurse about once a month. I can understand that some of my ancient insecurities resurfaced during this time period but I am also wondering how much damage was being made to me by my ex who pushed me beyond my abilities, the circumstances, and the people who treated me like a second rate citizen with no rights other than to breathe the air of this town on the South coast of Finland.

Many other things happened during this time that were not beneficial to me, for instance some pretty awful attempts at dating and an attempt to go back to my old relationship. At one point when I got an adsl line I started to renew the connection with my spiritual side by taking part in internet sites dedicated to people like me. But when The Secret came out and people started to go all crazy about the law of attraction, I was made into an easy target for their own insecurities. Let me recap; I had finished several educations through the mere force of my will despite the fact that I was chronically fatigued and in terrible pain. I had spent years and years writing a journal in which I was attempting to sort out my issues. I was really doing a good job in both areas. But once I came to this small town and had to obey to the laws of social security, I lost any means of getting out of a bad financial situation. I was trapped. Then along came all these pseudo-spiritual people with their great advice about manifesting all the health, success and money that you could possibly ever want. Most of these people actually came from America... In my naivité I didn't realize that I shouldn't ever have even breathed about problems. However, honest and straightforward about myself as I am, I did try and talk to people in order to see more alternatives and solutions to my issues. Some were understanding but many labeled me as one who likes to victimize herself. Honestly, don't we all feel a bit sorry for ourselves sometimes? Come on, have mercy - I am perhaps having one of those days today. Anyhow, any talk about how hard it really is to get out of the social trap that disability in this country puts you in, was to no avail. There were also some sneaky argument that basically made me feel more disempowered and guility. These people had no time and interest for understanding and compassion, since they were so busy justifying their own choices in favour of joy and money, and persuading others about how happy they were. In short, they demanded that I perform as if I had the abilities of a normal person.

The main rhetoric is that we are all co-creators of the universe and thus responsible for our own happiness: there is abundance in this world and any situation of poverty and suffering is merely the result of our own faulty thinking and a sense of not deserving anything better. This was no news to me at all; my thesis at the university was about this kind of New Age dogmas. The trouble was, I could not completely disagree because I could see the logic in what was being said. Unfortunately I also felt that for many of these people, science was only a great tool when it was supporting the quest for money and success and that many ancient truths had been neatly repacked and simplified for the busy modern individual. Oneness was and is a great concept but I didn't see how it could come into life in this sort of ruthless environment. Whoever came up with the guide for dummies? I bet there's a guide for dummies about the great Law of Attraction that simplifies what has already been simplified...

I have a busy mind that attempts to see many options. It's called being creative. With creativity, however, you usually get a volatile personality. The reason is that you need periods of introspection in order to allow the subconscious mind to re-evaluate things, and question current beliefs. When you look around yourself with a perceptive mind, you see quite a lot of things that are not right with the world the way it is today. It's funny that despite all the talk about the importance of co-creation and the assumption that creativity has an ontological status in this world, people don't seem to take charge of their lives in creative and unique ways but prefer following the stale dogmatics of the self-help books. I know very well that New Age people don't consider their belief-system a religion because their approach is universalist (i.e. it's that famous smorgasbord where you pick what you feel to pick). Technically speaking, there's plenty enough evidence that it does rely on a certain set of dogmas that makes it into one from the point of view of systematic science. Though I have been inspired by some parts of it and have had a lot to do with people who believe in reincarnation and constant self-assessment for greater personal growth just like me, something has always bothered me. I have no doubt that it's due to the movements reinforcment of tendencies that are noticable on all levels of life today, i.e. "me first" and "I want it now". Compassion is often rationalized into the more abstract and (paradoxically) distant concept of unconditional love, which many believe they own but don't seem to have access to when someone trods a different path and has a nerve to question these beliefs. I noticed when I was on these sites that people bothered very little with the definition of the semantics they were using and so people were talking on top of each other without any regard for the exact meaning of the words that were being used. When on the one hand people loved to use words such as "I love you" to great excess there were also elements that were clearly menacing. Each takes care of him or herself and if you miss the ascension boat, it's your own fault for not having worked hard enough towards it. I also gave an example of this in my last blog. I still wonder how someone who pretends to be a loving spirit can insinuate that "some people" (very possibly you, in other words) have succumbed to the dark forces and are in fact hampering the evolutionary shift towards a better world. The only thing one can do, according to them, is to pray by an altar that you create for this particular purpose. Unique advice, eh..?

What has become clear to me during my years online is anyway the fact that instead of building me up as one expected them to, these groupings have helped undermine my own sense of self and my self-esteem. Not that anyone meant to on purpose, of course... but there's ignorance and its ugly head. I know that this statement can be met by plenty enough arguments. For instance: I'm resisting, I am not practicing spirituality the way it should be done, I'm not following any self-help methods, I am not positive enough, I focus on problems instead of the solutions, I am not disciplined enough to change my attitudes, I don't allow myself to be alone in silence and develop more love of self and God, and so on. But you know what? I am bloody tired! I have worked very hard all my life to succeed, to be a better person, to take the blame or the responsibility for my misfortunes, to open up my energies, to take care of my health as much as possible despite the poverty, to declutter every area in my life, to express abundance in everything I do (and this I actually do spontaneously), to overcome my shyness and social anxiety... I have tried being lonely and I have tried being in relationships. If someone sends me yet another link to some revolutionary self-help method I shall scream! I just can't anymore... Please, just allow me a little normality at least. What have I honestly done to deserve a lonely life in confinement? Well, to be honest I don't think it's a question of whether I've deserved it or not.

Shit happens. I'm sorry this is another lament on life's shittyness... I am mostly venting and sharing, not asking for pity. Sure I've asked for help too. But I know it's wrong to ask to be saved by anyone, so I've got to keep it general. If anything has come recently, it's been too subtle for me to take notice. Last year was especially trying. Dark, confusing and exhausting in every way. I can't make sense of things the way I used to. There's an oppressive feeling in the air. Or is it just me? Yet good things happen to people all the time, regardless whether someone actively tries to manifest them or not. How can anyone really know for sure that their power of manifestation was so great that it brought certain things into their lives? Where's the absolute evidence? Maybe a certain person had it all in store on a karmic level, for instance. Maybe they were even genetically disposed to (haha). I know that I would be in quite a different position if I didn't have a condition that cannot be cured. I also know that I could feel worse and that I could sit here without a degree or a career as an artist unless I had struggled to overcome certain obstacles. I also know that my chances of getting out of my current situation are slim, because society does not support it in any way and I am now out of willpower and motivation to make more efforts. Let's not even talk about what the three months in Kansas last year did to me, let alone the tedious after-math that is still without closure. This guy is not sending me my things back and I am seriously worried about some art and some items that are true heirlooms and that I should never have brought there in the first place. Stupid me!

The other day I spent a little time on Twitter but I'm not sure I fit in though I've tried to mimimize the amount of people I follow and protect my updates from unwanted comments. I'm struggling to fit in but in fact what happens is the exact opposite, which is that I am losing self-confidence. Exposure is a good method when facing fears, yet what I wanted to say in this blog is that there are times when exposure induces fears and that maybe some of them are new ones. This is not a good time in history; it's one of extreme chaos, menace and self-absorption. Beware!

I was invited to a kindness party on Twitter. The subpersonality in me who wants to be accepted exclaimed, hey, how nice! But another part of me started to rebel. Why do I have to be kind because someone institutionalized a day for it? No, no, no, no. I wonder why anyone feels the need to ask people to be kind though. Do people really need to be told that? I liked the rhymeday better, however no one commented on my rhymes.

Here are some of my humble and rather silly contributions that nonetheless felt like fun:

My life would be empty without my cats, all of my clothes would be hollow, including my hats.

The love of my life, is absolutely Robin, without his attention, I'd be constantly sobbin'.

Marius, is my pain in the ass, but in a funny sort of way, he has charm and some class.

Beatrice is dainty, the queen of the lot; her attitude is sweet but rather cooler than hot.

My computer's attraction is bigger than life; but without it my life would be akin to a strife.

How often is a rhymeday; I'm curious to hear? I'm taking a liking, and getting rid of some fear!

I apologize for my rude intrusion as a stranger, but English makes my heart beat faster and my mind gallop like a wilderness ranger.

As intriguing as paradoxes may be, sometimes the issue is that we don't know our motives or what we really see!

Creativity is a flow; it can be high;it can be low; but it is eternally there, for it is all that there is and it is everywhere.

Just as I wrote nice things about my cat Robin he peed on the floor. I had thought he'd gotten over it. That drop of pee was like the last drop...

Please read more about self-esteem on this blog.

Artwork: "Dereclict House", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

OH To Be Normal...

When I was in my teens, I noticed that some guys liked to see themselves as "outsiders" and to call themselves as such. I thought it was pretentious and had no intention of standing out as "different". Years went by while I was trying to assimilate into my social environment and find out what exactly I wanted to do with my life. Though sometimes fierce and not at all of a weak and submissive disposition, I was quite shy and had to work hard to overcome my fear of engaging in social activities. I wanted to overcome any weaknesses and so I was really pretty hard on myself. But I could never really turn into a popular person who moved around the social circles with ease and self-confidence. I was good at pretending and things did get better, but even to this day I have a fear of social demands when I haven't encountered them before. The main point, however, was that I could not change some basic characteristics about myself. I simply was "different". I suppose when I was younger I thought that I wasn't like everyone else because I came from such a dysfunctional family and had experiences of a kind that others didn't. When I started higher education and especially when I became open to spiritual thinking and symbolic painting, I had to admit that this difference was pretty fundamental.

Though I was trying to make friends I was never into any popularity games and I wasn't interested in making a statement about who I was. Why would I? Despite many questions about my life and destiny I felt I knew who I was on some deeper level. Being Finnish did probably allow me to be somewhat solitary without being looked upon as too strange, but on the other hand the social environment doesn't encourage fluent socialization so I found it very hard to make my way through the maze. Anyway, as I've gotten older and learned about other cultures, I've tried to open up a bit to some straightforward definitions of myself in public. Now I dare call myself "artist" and "dissident" without feeling funny about it. "Outsider" seems a bit young and somehow ostentatious, but I certainly am fairly alienated from the world that most people live in in the Western world.

In my radio talk I was trying to make a point of the fact that no matter how poor we are, we should have the right to be different from the norm. For me it means for instance that I can't be expected to eat like everyone else or dress like other people, and thus spend my money in the same way. When you're dependent on social aid you're expected to fit into categories that are easy to control and manage, at least potentially. When your priorities are different and you can't, for instance, go and stand in a food line (if there is any) because you truly cannot stomach the food they offer, people become defensive and figure that you can suit yourself if you rather starve. Another example was a lady who gave me links to free spyware and figured that if you're poor, you just "have" to put up with the ads that go with them. It is true that when you're poor, you usually have to do a lot of things yourself and when you don't, you have to put up with all sorts of rubbish that go along with special offers and the like. If possible, I avoid these at all costs! True enough, when I did start installing one free spyware I had to choose some stupid offers to go with it that would be filling my mail box in no time, and then had a hell of a job getting rid of the program that was bombarding me with urges to buy their products. I suspect it might even have carried some malware. I absolutely hate this sort of thing, it just creates more stress in my life. What's up with putting the knife on people's throats? There are really not many idealistic people who believe in true democracy and the freedom to pay or donate what you can in exchange for services in the world anymore and it depresses me like hell. Not that I have any answers as to how this could be rectified. Maybe if people did open up to greater altruism and find that it pays off somehow... dunno.

Well, the reporter made a big deal of the fact that I have a right to be a difficult customer at the social services instead; quite frankly I didn't really see the point of that at all but she thought it sounded cool. Oh well.

Another thing that has really disturbed me is the way the internet is "useful" for self-promotion and product-promotion. I find on spaces like Flickr, Blogcatalog and Twitter that people are very much into this idea of having as many people visit their blogs or sites as possible regardless whether these people are interested or not. "Visit mine and I'll visit yours" is a common line. I agree to some networking because obviously it's nice if people find you and enjoy what you have to offer. So reciprocicity is not all bad. It's part of being a social being. Sometimes you just have to "muster" a little bit of interest in other people. It actually often leads to surprises of a pleasant nature, as you learn new things that you didn't expect! I'm not really an introvert, rather a mixture of intro- and extrovert. To some extent, small talk is fine, though I obviously prefer that it leads to deeper issues. I mean, balance in all things, right? Interaction, not people hoarding, is what I'm trying to talk about here. And I don't want for people to visit me or follow me if they are not interested in anything other than their own traffic. Unfortunately the internet exposes and probably promotes incredibly conceited and narcissistic behaviour that really makes me sick. Either people don't care a crap about you and your ideas and only focus on their own, or they come and attack you or try and rescue you from your sordid self. Why I'm still socializing a little bit on the net is because at the moment it's my only source of social activity and every once in a while a nice person comes along who makes my day with something nice they say in sincere interaction with me. But most of the time I stay in one place only for a little while. For instance Twitter was serving some form of social purpose for a while but now I'm getting really tired of always trying to initiate some simple discussion and not getting much response back. This I wrote on a discussion thread on Blogcatalog today. People were bickering over the fact that you get grades depending on how active a Twitterist (?) you are.

"OMG, I certainly learned a lot about PEOPLE in this thread. You're all clear as water, I don't understand what you're bickering for except for some perverted (sorry!) pleasure in bickering and in being right and having the last word and all that. I'm pretty concerned about people's fascination with the internet so this was a learning lesson for me. When I first joined Twitter I thought it was the most idiotic thing; why would I want to announce that I'm going to take a crap to the whole world? Knowing that most people don't read it anyway. Then suddenly someone added me and before I knew it a whole community of followers of that particular person followed me. For a while I thought they actually wanted to get to know me. Silly me, haha. I decided ok, I need to socialize a bit because I'm really very isolated at the moment but badly burned from some forums where I got attacked. So I decided that Twitter was offering me a way of interacting breifly with people and getting some kind of social stimulation. I was trying very hard to read people's tweets without spending the whole day doing so, and I commented and asked questions to further a small discussion. I think I was basically being nice and quite normal in my interaction. But you know, after a few weeks I got fed up with being the one who was taking the initiative. Are my tweets that uninteresting and boring?? Or are people just so self-absorbed that all they care is to get their own life online for all to see (or pretend that people see it anyway?). Well, which could it be? I'm sorry (with the risk of sounding conceited!) but from what I've seen on the internet I vote for the second option. I think the internet is really a great promoter of self-importance and egotripping. Not saying everyone is that way and personally I'm still in all this to some degree because I have little else going for me socially speaking. But I can't say that my belief in humanity has improved (which is really a pity) or that I understand what ambitions are driving people to compete about how many followers they have or some grades that remind you of American highschool ideals (I'm European). Not saying that you cannot rejoice in those grades, not at all. Just that I don't personally understand the allure. I'm planning to delete anyone who follows me but never interacts with me. To me reading their tweets is REALLY a waste of my time."

Call me a bore and a different one at that, if you will. But I don't understand the fascination of competing with others or with oneself over popularity when it's not even clear that it's for real!

Artwork: "A Pile of Bricks", digital photography by author, all rights reserved 2008