DON'T PRACTISE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL ON ME!

The other day we received cards, envelopes and bad quality coasters with roses on and a letter of exhortation asking us to donate money to some research, I think it might have been cancer research but I'm not sure. So you're given things for free and then asked to pay... I get so irritated with this kind of emotional blackmail that I don't even take note of the charity that sends these letters out to unsuspecting members of the public. I do not respond to blackmail. I remember how in all the years when I grew up, once a year we used to get a package of badly printed and really tacky Christmas cards with a rough surface, I believe it might have been from Jehova's Witnesses. Or maybe it was the Red Cross? Of course we never paid the "voluntary donation" but the worst thing really must have been when we actually received one of those cards in the mail from someone else who clearly decided to take advantage of the free cards! I suspect they didn't pay either. You can sort of tell...

There is a video just come out about donating to third world countries, again I don't recall what the charity is because I was so repelled by the emotional blackmail. 

Dan Cleeve already says it all. "Take so-called first-world problems — like a too-short lead on a smart phone charger. Then, put them in the mouths of Africans. Successfully compelling charity video, right?". I have thought about this a million times. We live in a certain environment and it causes certain reactions in us. It's true that Westerners complain about insignificant issues when there are people who suffer from serious problems such as lack of water. However... remember when your parents used to say, eat up child, there are starving people in Africa? Well, it's the same thing... exhortation is not nice. It makes you close off. It doesn't really matter what the issue is. You don't go around telling people to shut up and be grateful for what they have, stop moaning about this or that... would you say that to a friend? You might do it gracefully, with kindness and consideration, wouldn't you? Why would it be okay to say it to a stranger, without kindness and consideration? Don't plant guilt in other people. It's not nice and it's not good karma either for that matter. Not that I can be bothered with karma any more... it comes and it goes, and who knows how it really works? We try and do our best, from our hearts, not from our heads... thinking is great but not when done to excess... not when you go through your Facebook page and all you get is just bland second hand quotes with the "intent to inspire"... I tell you, I want to hear about what people really feel, not what they think other people should do with their lives!!

Dan goes on to saying, "But telling us that 'First world problems aren't problems' is self-evident, and if we're going to be all serious about stuff, problems in the first world include access to health care, domestic violence and wealth inequality." Absolutely! We have problems, we have loads of problems. Insulting the people who are asked to donate is not in good taste. Our problems just happen to be different from that of Africans living without water... now I have seen a documentary about the problem with water shortage and that really helped me see what's going on... it was the most useful thing and didn't smack of propaganda. However, the fact remains that we have so much to deal with here in the West, we should take care of our own issues before we even start to try and fix issues elsewhere. Knowing where to start untying a knot is essential, otherwise you're just wasting your time. Also take into account that people are so desperately unhappy or trying to avoid unhappiness that they numb themselves up with drugs, alcohol, mindless Facebook updates that pretend that everything is all right, and stupid movies or TV shows... this is a serious problem that needs attention.

The world is such a mess. Sometimes I just want to scream, I'm so overwhelmed!! Especially when I go to Ikea on a quiet afternoon (just picking up a cheap bar stool to sit on while working) and there's a kid there, yelling at the top of his voice, reaching the highest pitch humanly possible, for two minutes with two minute's intervals. And they keep following us as we navigate through the maze of shopping departments... 

I saw the film God Bless America last night. It's about a man who gets fed up with all the superficial crap that goes on around him and ends up on a killing spree, getting rid of people who "really deserve to die". He's especially upset with the baby next door, reality shows about spoilt brats and talent shows that take the piss out of people who aren't very bright. It's a straightforward movie, quite American in that sense, without the more subtle intelligence of Black Mirror. But I think in some ways people should see it and reflect upon the problems with modern day society, as the protagonist says in the beginning; the kind of utter decadence that tends to take place when a particular culture is about to crash. I've been to America and heard the jargon on TV... it really is that bad.

I often think about the way in which everything in society today seems topsy turvy. It's as if people had deliberately gone for solutions that are the exact opposite to what would actually work both in humanistic as well as practical terms. Greed pervades all layers of society. You cannot blame only a part of it (if you must blame, that is). You may not be contributing to it actively, and so you may be one of those few people who are in the world but not of it. It's a better place to be, but it doesn't mean you're liberated from responsibilities  The only difference is, if you have understood what things are really about, you are your own master and intelligent enough not to let so-called authorities keep you on a leash. I don't watch these kind of reality shows on TV or online, but sometimes I come across them, for instance I recently happened across a show about the problems of being a millionaire's wife, and I found myself staring at it with utter disbelief yet with a sort of fascination... I guess it's only my great sense of self-preservation that stops me from getting sucked up in this garbage! Well, to be honest, I like observing what's going on, I try and watch and learn. I feel that's what I'm here for. To some extent, because I don't want to pollute my mind either. And I try and keep in mind that the pendulum swings one way before it swings the other, and in the end will slow down in the middle - it's the symbol of the golden middle path. This is evolution, and if things are really, really bad right now, it's because they have to go to an extreme before things can change for the better. People are testing boundaries, seeing how far they can go... they have the right to, but hopefully they will soon see what's going on because I don't know how much longer the world can hold this kind of negativity.

I have always felt limited in my ability to make a difference. I've always been a world-betterer, but the world got the better of me... for years, I've had to concede that there's only very little I can do. I had many worries and learnt what it means to be truly limited. But perhaps it's a matter of strategy? Recently I've been reconsidering my conditioned attitudes, trying to think "outside of the box" (don't you just hate that expression!), trying to think from a different perspective; what if, then what would I do... we'll see, perhaps one day one's efforts will take off for real. You just don't know, you have to keep trying. But please keep a sense of perspective, if you must complain about the length of your phone charger, do so in private. We have the right to express our frustration about things that don't work. It's good to have the experience of situations that are really destructive, and therefore I would say it's a good thing to really suffer sometimes. But don't buy into people who take things out of context and play with guilt by having Africans repeat the flippant remark of a rich Westerner in order to get you to donate money... it's not the right way to do things. Find ways of fostering a sense of proportions, but also honesty and true gratefulness, and positive feelings in other people, without guilt, blame and a generally patronising attitude... I can assure you it will work much better.

Sometimes people just need to complain! Hear this choir of complaints from Finland!

Positive Versus Negative Thinking and Acting

I'm sure male readers will groan (my American male ex-friend did anyway) but I like to watch American Topmodel sometimes in order to study human behaviour. I also like the professional team and as an artist and the daughter of two professional photographers I like to follow their work. Anyway, last time all the American girls were picking on a girl whose parents were from France. They thought she was being negative because she was struck with fear and lost sight of her self-confidence for a moment. This was very typical of the kind of bickering that I have been involved with regarding the difference between Americans and Europeans. The French girl said in her defense that she thought she was merely expressing a mild form of realism. It made me smile, since that is how I'd describe my own attitude towards life. There are differences in between the European countries as well, for instance I have perceived the French as quite harsh and negative compared to the British. The Finnish attitude is more of a resigned depressive kind of attitude - a Senecan variety, perhaps. It's not always very healthy and often ends in suicide. However I do feel that if I have a bad day, no one will expect me to put on a forced smile. Discussing the difficult things in life has in general been easier here in Europe than it seems to be in America or online with American people.

Anyway, let me say this: picking on someone in the name of positivity because they are being perceived of as "negative" or something to that effect is not positive! There is also no evidence whatsoever that a society that holds onto what they think is a positive attitude is doing any better than one that has a more cautious approach to reality. In fact I saw a documentary which stated that people who are ever so slightly prone to depression are more diligent and observant workers than those who are overly optimistic. Last winter in the USA I was being indoctrinated about the wonderful ideals that American society rests upon by my ex-friend, and all I could say was that yes, it's all very nice but look at the country now. Right now we can only hope that America will find its way back to those beautiful ideals and overcome the strong dichotomies that seem to rule at the time being. Europe is in any case not doing worse whether we be more "negative" or not.

When I broke up from a relationship at Christmas 2006 I had a need to get back in touch with my spiritual self. During the relationship, I experienced some good things that had been lacking previously. I actually got to do things. Someone was there who took me places, and I had someone with whom to joke and be silly. I've been alone most of my life so this was a very welcome change. Unfortunately it didn't last and so I went looking for the one thing that had been set aside when I was preoccupied with living life out there in the real world. I joined a spiritual site online. It was exciting to dig into my reservoir of spiritual thoughts and exchange with others. It was no longer quite the same though. My thoughts felt a bit stale and rhetorical. The time I had spent living life on a very practical level had left its mark and it was hard for me to feel quite so confident about giving out spiritual advice or whatever it was I was doing. Another thing that happened was that as I stumbled upon other people's beliefs, I became more oppositional. A lot of American style positivity came into my living room and I didn't agree with it. I felt that people who were leaning in that direction were in denial of the shadow side of life. I felt that this was pretty much proven once I became the target of bullies who wanted to convert me to their beliefs and did not respect my right to think and be what I wanted. I had over 80 "friends" who I hardly knew. To me that was pointless. So when the site started to shift and become less intimate and friendly, I packed up and left. Similar things happened on the next site I joined. I stayed for a while, learned a lot about people, and finally left because of bullies and a nagging feeling that I didn't really belong there. After this, a third site called me and I at that particular moment it provided me with some form of comfort. I was a little worried though when no one but the administrator replied to my posts. I suspected that posting was not safe for me. I should have followed my gut feeling because in the end I became the target of a very forceful attack. I had really enjoyed some private conversations with the administrator so I was reluctant to leave, but there was one thing about all this that made me withdraw for good.

The woman who had attacked me was quite the drama queen who said several times she would leave but never did. After a while she posted a lavish, public apology. It was not directed towards me and another person who had been her target, but was more general. She also did say that she had been mislead by other people's egos. Not until the administrator wrote that she forgave this woman did I realize that the administrator acted as some kind of saviour who absolved this woman from her sins. I tried to let it go but I was really disturbed by this incident. Shoot me if I'm wrong but it seemed to me that these people stuck together because they were Americans, and the one who wasn't was not considered a part of the club. A club of mutual admiration, I can't help wondering. Bullies seem to get the upper hand everywhere, don't they? Sometimes you just don't feel like sticking around to see how it goes.

I received a newsletter from that last site today and in my emotionally vulnerable state of mind I found it menacing. It said that God's light is growing stronger with each day but so are the darker oppositional forces. Vulnerable people will succumb to this if they are not careful and will turn away from their deeper soul purpose. This happens either because dark forces are willingly interfering with someone's light work or because someone is susceptible and confused. Why did I feel that these words were directed towards me? Because I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because all this time spent online, I have been indoctrinated about the importance of positive thinking. So many people are rejoicing about the evolutionary shift and stating that you must be the change and so if you join the positive thinkers you will do your duty and help make the shift happen. The more I felt peer pressure to smile and be happy, the more defensive I became. I realized in another context the other day that feeling the acceptance from other people is a prerequisite to feeling positive about life. Or let's just say that it's way harder to remain positive when the support is not there. Here in my confinement these things become painfully obvious. Perhaps I really don't love myself enough or whatever. But putting a knife on my throat is obviously not going to make it happen.

I was told earlier by someone who claims to be a spiritual authority (the one who posted the newsletter today) that my life is a test of spiritual strength. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe my desire to be apologized to is ridiculous and a sign of weakness. Maybe I have lost touch with my higher self. Maybe I have joined the dark forces and am contributing to the sordid state of the world. Maybe I'm a white lamb turned black. Maybe my insomnia is preventing me from evolving spiritually speaking. Maybe, maybe, maybe. What I do know is that I am tired of religions that pretend to be "only" spiritual but still behave just like religious people always have. It's as if some people are scared that if i don't join them, the world will not change for the better. Seems as if they don't have much trust in life and the Universe. Someone bullied me about my need to be self-reliant the other day. I've thought about it a lot, because I always felt very strongly about having my own answers. Being in touch with other people's ideas has nothing to do with that. You read or listen, you reflect, you draw your own conclusions. There is nothing wrong with that. But there is certainly a line somewhere where things you read or hear become sermons on a mission to direct your mind in one way or another. Lectures must be agreed upon by all parties involved. You can even lecture a friend if there is the trust that nobody is trying to be manipulative, only stressing some viewpoints that seem relevant in the context.

I'm a little depressed because I gave my everything last year when I fled to the USA a year ago, and I knew that if I'd have to return, I'd probably have a hard time getting over it. I was right. Yes I am disappointed; I'm living such an anti-climax right now. The person that I put my trust in betrayed it. Of course my life situation is even worse now. I look at the photos from last winter and it hurts. It hurts to know that I was actually getting to do something. It wasn't much, but it was something. It was more than I have now. That's how it feels right now. Can anyone honestly expect me to just snap out of it and be happy? Maybe if I had been able to cut the cords in my own way I would have felt more empowered. The way things went was very detrimental to me and it will be much harder to repair the damage and stop the self-blame that started to nag at me. All I can do is try and stay out of the constellation of positive versus negative. Which is which has become so blurred and confused. And who knows, maybe that's precisely a sign to get people to realize that they are but constructions of the mind.

Human interaction is incredibly complicated. The internet provides with lessons that you may never get out in the real world where people are often more careful about what they say and express. In the real world, the context and the reactions of the other person are more obvious. I'm not saying this pertains to everybody, of course. I do have a longing for more real and substantial things. At the moment I'm confined to the virtual world for impulses and ideas. However, to be confined to that for the rest of my life seems like the cruelest destiny imaginable. But maybe if I am an outcast from the realms of light, then maybe that's all I deserve.

Artwork: "Wintermood", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008

Looking For Reasons Why Things Are So Difficult

So my sleeping has been really bad. The only psychiatrist in town said I should stay up all night and then I'd be tired the next evening. I try and explain to him in vain that usually, if I'm tired I don't get sleepy but terribly wound up instead, so it's even more difficult for me to sleep. I so wish I had access to someone specialized in stress and the workings of the autonomous nervous system. Mine is just not working in a normal way but no one is able to understand it properly and to help me. Anyway, I am afraid to stay up like that, because I know how crazy I get and I just can't handle it right now. My mom also said I could get ringing ears and what have you. Last night I was extremely wound up due to all the decietful or ignorant people I've been dealing with this year and especially at late.

I'm also due for a photo show of the photos I took in the US last winter but turns out my ex-friend (I really don't even think it's appropriate to call him a boyfriend as I personally never felt it) saved my photos in a very small format that is almost good for nothing. Half of my photos are also missing. I think I'm pretty much ready to leave all of that behind once my puny show is over and I finally get (if I get) all of my stuff back from his house. But naturally I am still pretty angry and upset that I trusted his so-called expertise and a bunch of other promises.

My previous woman psychiatrist used to prescribe a medicine to help me sleep that usually helped when all else failed, but my new male doctor doesn't want me to take it. Last night I thought to heck with his opinion and managed to find a few I still had left and I slept like a baby all night. What relief! After all, I'm now on much fewer medicines so there is no way it can hurt me to take it now that I am fretting so bad.

Now to the real issue: why are things like this right now? Ok, when it comes to many people I have chosen to trust in at least partly (it's quasi impossible to get me to trust anyone completely) I have obviously been too gullible. Sure I believe in karma, but when it comes to my bad relationship I suspect the reason for the complete let down is mostly elsewhere (unless you go as far as to say that my bad choices are karmic too, which technically speaking they are but let's not get into that shall we.) I don't have trouble with personal boundaries but I guess there are times when we want and hope something and it leads us in the wrong direction. We allow for people to influence us or even manipulate us and we either think that it's something we just have to accept because nothing can be done to change the situation or we keep hoping things will get better by some miraculous twist of fate. It's not necessarily that we don't see that something is wrong right from the beginning, but we are indoctrinated to believe that since we cannot change other people, we must accept them the way they are. I personally also always believe that if a person shows up in my life, it's for a reason. So I try and listen to my inner directions and do what I think I'm supposed to do. There have been times when I've left a relationship very early on because the inner feeling that I wasn't treated right was strong enough. But in recent years I've been very hungry for a relationship and for leaving this town, and for some reason that I still don't quite understand, easily nailed down by someone else's willpower.

When I broke out two years ago from the relationship that is the only meaningful relationship I've ever had, I vowed not to accept less than the best the next time around. But I wasn't strong enough to withstand the temptation to try out a couple of relationships after that, thinking as I always do that I am not capable of falling in love so the love is something that will come in time. I've taken pretty high risks by allowing these guys to persuade me into entering a relationship with them. In retrospect I wonder how crazy a person can be - and by that person I am meaning me. I learned a lot about human nature, that's for sure. Maybe it will be of some use in my next incarnation. But still... Well, I guess I finally "got it" since no one has entered my life now for a long time - I am now even more careful what I go for. I guess I am not ready for anything really meaningful and good.

From a spiritual point of view, it would probably be better if I felt more connected to Source first before I venture to pour out all my love onto a human being (I have to add that I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, companionship enriches and lightens up my life enormously). That is to say, I am connected or I would have given up on my spiritual beliefs a long time ago. Someone who seemed to be speaking the truth said that I am more connected than I think I am. It makes sense in some rather weird way. But I am in waiting for some kind of opening. I don't feel that there is much I can do to speed it up. I feel that I've been immersed in darkness in this life so that I would know what it's like. I can't guarantee that this is true but it feels right. I feel that a greater sense of connection belongs to me automatically and that I shouldn't have to work for it. It's rather like having an illness that you just have to wait out because the body will repair itself.

This brings me to the teachers. I am totally weary of all the spiritual advice that people are selling out there, since it always sounds the same. Today someone passed on a link to Abraham Hick's website. Very kindheartedly, I should add. I've heard of him, sure - he's recommended by many. But I personally saw nothing new there. Words, words, words... there's perhaps a point in time when they don't matter that much anymore, and all you really need are feelings and support of the heart. The quote of the day puzzled me. It was: "Overwhelment is about you not being up to speed with what you told the Universe that you want. The Universe is yielding to you. You're just not ready to recieve it right now". Ok. Let's see. The first part I understand as a person manifesting their own reality based on either subconscious or conscious desires. Of course, sometimes things that you feel excited about crumble because of some fear you have, for instance a fear that the things won't come true or be good. On the other hand, the soul may also be looking for really tough challenges to strengthen you by. For instance, being in the dark with only an inner knowing that life is fundamentally spiritual may be one of the toughest challenges a person can ever have. Now after all this reasoning, the part about not being ready to recieve stuff doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever (I'm not saying someone else might not resonate with it). All I can think in my case is that my physique is not able to cope with all the input that is coming right now so I feel overwhelmed and in some sense one could say that I am "not ready". The big question is also, what could I possibly have manifested that's so great that it's a shame to be missing out on it because I'm not ready? Hm, that's how I interpret it anyway. Also, what does "ready" mean? Ready mentally, physically..? Because there's a line of things that has to occur or be taken care of first or because one is still emotionally or mentally unprepared? Was the quote helpful? Well, to me it's just the same old platitudes that really don't mean anything truly significant at all. It's like reading a tarot card and putting your own meaning into it. Sometimes that can clear your thoughts but does it really help you to find out how to deal with the present situation? Putting bandaid on a wound is one thing, healing is another. With all due respect to others who feel differently - this is just how I feel and it's helping me to write it down...

I don't know... I feel no desire whatsoever of reading stuff for general guidance. All I want is to know what I personally am supposed to do and why I am feeling the way I do. (Even simple personal support is helpful at this time.) Why am I having to deal with so much negativity in my environment? It makes me feel really unwell and totally washed out and terribly upset at the same time. Well, the simplistic and oh so popular answer would be that I attract it because I am being negative, and that I am a loser because I can't overlook all that and not allow it to disturb my balance. Brrrr! Why must everyone always be put into the same category? I don't think I am being that negative. Am I?? Well, my intuition is that I am having to see all this in order to learn something for the future, and what I'm witnessing is what is really real. I am just not able to sugar coat my vision. Even when I'm trying hard to neutralize my thoughts I still see... What I see and sense is very stressful input that I understand mentally but have a hard time not feeling in my body. (I've always considered myself a realist but am hoping it's not an excuse for anything). I also think that all the negativity is like a cloud of smog that is rising upwards to finally disperse. I think that a lot of higher frequencies really are being inflitrated into our realm and it's really messing people up so that their egos practically shine from the exposure to the light. I am also sensing great pressure again, coupled with my overwhelming sense of stress. We're approaching Christmas and as far as I know more energy of love does make its appearance around that time. So perhaps it's also about the infiltration of energies that our human selves are not used to. The worse an experience is, the better the good one will feel. I also think that we need to accept and understand that absolutely EVERYTHING can crumble at this point in time, as new structures must emerge. So even in our own lives nothing, absolutely NOTHING, can be taken for granted. It's very unsettling and maybe why I have such strong feelings of insecurity, as I'm picking up on the collective chaos.

Artwork: "IF...", digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2008