It's of course a common misconception that problems disappear when you find someone who loves you. We think that the acceptance of another will patch us up. In reality, the acceptance of another does help soothe the bruises and may help us grow. It's nonetheless my experience, that it's only when I enter a relationship that the real work begins. In between I've felt that I've been on hold in many ways. But the older I get, the more stuff there is to dig out, deconstruct and let go of. Apart from that, I don't really enjoy solitude very much. Even though I can be creative on my own, I find the lack of regular day-to-day interaction with another being quite deadening. It undermines my belief in myself and does nothing to strengthen my sense of self.
Yes, we can have what we want in life, but the point is really being aware of what we truly need in order to feel fulfilled and be able to evolve as human beings. At least we should get our priorities straight without resorting to stupid idealism; having love and better health is surely more important than money, but the money can come in quite handy and help us enjoy ourselves more. I find, that things progress is some mysteriously natural order, and I should not have doubts about this and try and force things in a headstrong sort of way. It's my belief that if you know yourself deeply, you will know what you need in your life at any given time and you will strive towards it, but you will also realize that life is inherently intelligent and therefore more capable of working things out for you than the little you are. Reach into yourself and feel what you need, then have an intention, but let go of the outcome. Life does give us what we need. You could call it the manifestation of your own desires, it really doesn't make a difference in a deeper sense if we postulate that we are one with life. However, we reside in a dualist space and so I prefer to choose my words carefully.
Anyhow - some of what we need is the dull stuff, the challenges that we have to work through in order to get to a better place. Some of what we need is wonderful, joyful stuff that makes life worth living. Some stuff we do for the sake of others; some stuff is for ourselves. Each aspect of life's "gifts" are equally important. Most of the time we only have an incling as to what we need and want in life, but there is no way we can imagine the full scope of the gifts of life as they usually stretch far beyond our imagination. Still, given our trust and faith, life can provide with a whole array of things that are truly good and useful for us. Just give it time... sometimes we do have to wait until the time is right.
Having doubts about your self-worth or the ability to attract good things in life is not really a problem. Just try and keep in mind that they are natural but do not need to define your life. I know this sounds a bit trite, but try and also believe, that miracles do occur. Sometimes, as I guess most of us realize when we really think about it, they are so small you hardly notice they are just that. The only answer is as far as I can se to be conscious and aware, notice everything that's going on and look at life with fresh eyes. There's always something to be amazed at. Why not just start with the assumption that life itself is pretty amazing... put the horrors aside; it's still a vast and complex piece of utter ingenuity.
So... I persisted in my pursuit of certain things, and they arrived. After a number of very dreary, lonely and very stressful years in a small town where social autorities are petty and doctors incompetent, I am finally on my way towards a place where I always dreamed of living. And what is truly amazing is, that the exact destination looks a lot better than what I had thought I might have to settle for. I have even been lucky enough to impart some hope to a few people around me, because my life started to change against all the odds. If as a result of my persistance, good things come to me, whatever other people really wish for can come to them as well. In my case, I did eventually find my better half - and the whole process has been a marvel. Someone did find me here in the middle of the dark forest, and has not left me since. I have met my equal, and it's a man! We are living the conscious relationship. Some of the process has been effortless and it's obvious that there's flow when things are working out in a positive direction. In some other ways, there have been a great deal of trouble. The body and mind that is used to a life of struggles is having a hard time adapting to the idea of a more pleasurable life (this manifests in the body as various pains, it seems). We also have to find ways of managing my chronic illness. It will still take time to adapt and find a way of keeping a vulnerable heart really open. In order to be open towards others, it needs to be open towards life itself. So the universe and I still have some dues to settle.
Artwork: Digital photograph by author, all rights reserved 2009
