LIVING YOUR SPIRITUAL CHALLENGE OF CHRONIC ILLNESS INTELLIGENTLY

I'm not writing here often, though I think about subject matters sometimes. I hesitate to be judgemental, but I also find it difficult right now to be very enthousiastic about anything. Life is quite difficult. I think a lot about the kind of life I'd like to lead, but deep down, when my visions don't become reality, I feel that it's simply not time just yet. Some people speak of "God's time". I have always felt humbled before the greater ways of my destiny. Postulating that only part of "me" is present to my self-awareness in this particular incarnation, there is simply a lot more to my life than I can possibly imagine. As soon as I start hypothesising about who I really am and what my purpose really is, I feel I need to stop, because it's sliding into the realm of wishful thinking. This is why I want to distance myself more and more from the whole New Age way of thinking. Don't get me wrong, the New Age has offered some interesting perspectives that I haven't encountered in a digestable form anywhere else. But when I see a lot of people trying to convince themselves that they are doing the right thing in the name of New Age, I often think, it's just another religion. 

By religion I mean a rigid and dogmatic system of beliefs that mostly relies on believing in something that may or may not be true. Of course, I'm not suggesting anyone with strange beliefs fall into the category of woolly and flakey new agers. The problem is seeing who is what. There are certainly genuine people out there with experiences that are out of the ordinary, but there are also a lot of people who are really just trying to make money out of other people's gullibility and desire "to be evolved". These people often need to  convince themselves that they are "special", with extraordinary powers and insights that simply aren't real. Very often self-development is mistaken for spiritual development. While deep down there really is only spiritual development (if there is only the One), in our day-to-day lives there is a difference suggested by this terminology. People who are into self-development can be quite self-absorbed and appear downright selfish. They are discovering themselves, and looking for tools to enhance their lives. It's all as it should be, but it's a stage in the development towards matters that are a lot more "spiritual" in a deeper sense, i.e. true compassion, the letting go of personal control in relation to other people and life on the whole, understanding some fundamental things about the nature of reality, but also of deep thinking and intellectual scrutiny. There is simply nothing airy fairy about a truly spiritual pursuit.

I follow Ken Wilber and Andrew Cohen in their attempts to underline the necessity of absolute truth. While we have our subjective truths, objective truth co-exists in a paradoxical sort of way. When we agree on what this absolute truth consists of, we are paying homage to the fact that we are part of the greater collective consciousness. Making clear distinctions in your mind about which is which can be conducive to a healthier attitude to life, and above all, a more ethically sound life style that helps create a better social environment for all of us. 

In the present day and age, not many people understand the nature of absolute truth, since you really need to experience it in order to know it's really true... but others who haven't had this epiphany, can deduce quite a lot from accounts by those who have. You can get quite far through persistant intellectual research, though you always need to be aware of not getting stuck in intellectual pursuit for its own sake. Life is also for living, regardless what kind of reality you're living.

One thing that bothers me about most of the New Age movement today is the extensive fear-mongering. For instance, the law of attraction is very attractive on the surface, but when you look at it with some critcism, you'll find that it really engenders guilt. Perhaps it's a valid tool for some people, perhaps in terms of experiment with one's abilities rather than as a tool of absolute value. When I hear people talk about it, I usually detect a sense of grasping, control and a great deal of self-centredness that doesn't take into account that there's a whole other world out there with people who have very different agendas. You can't just force your way through that field of events. Having the attitude that we need to co-exist harmoniously is a different matter entirely.

My point of view is that we are not all at the same point in our development and therefore there are no specific methods that are applicable to all. I have probably said this before, but I have to stress it again; not everyone is in a place of absolute freedom to imagine whatever life they want. Some people seem to be a lot more fixed by a destiny that doesn't allow them quite that much freedom to experiment with their lives. Take illness, for instance. Some people are able to cure themselves in the most miraculous ways, and they are more than happy to share their findings. This is all very well, but if you can't fix your problems no matter how much you try, it could well be that you are meant to live with it. Don't feel guilty and discouraged. Some karmas are simply like that. Perhaps a little bit of your suffering can be alleviated. But there really are illnesses that are chronic, and will be part of your life until the day you die. It's a great spiritual challenge to deal with such humbling conditions. Perhaps the idea that "strong souls take on heavy challenges" really is true. It should be of some solace. 

I recently found out that Ken Wilber himself has suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or ME for over thirty years (see this video). I was flabberghasted - he actually has one of the most horrid and mysterious illnesses of our times, and it's not that different from my own conditon (fibromyalgia). Apparently he just "happened" to be in a small village by the Lake Tahoe when there was a weird epidemic that caused ME in about 250 people. Being a person of great intelligence and spirituality, he learnt to somehow manage the condition and still write books. He has recently had a set back, and was incapacitated for a couple of years. Hence the revelation about this illness and the happy news that he's writing again. It's a small solace that even he has trouble coping sometimes. I wish he would write a book about illness and spirituality, a bit like "Grace and Grit", maybe. All these chronic conditions that cause extreme fatigue and insomnia seem to me to be a sign of our times (ME is growing in frequency and I personally know quite a lot of people with this illness), but also constitute very specific spiritual challenges that causes marginalisation and stigmatisation (HIV comes to mind too, of course). Ken mentions insomnia as one of the greatest of challenges, one that I am more than familiar with (see my autobiographical film).

Ken Wilber manages his condition in an intelligent sort of way (I'd love to know how but suspect that extensive meditation practice is helping him), but he also doesn't complain about his destiny - who knows, he may be quite capable of staying brave in private too... Not all of us are always strong, in fact most people with a chronic condition have very bad days when it's impossible not to feel cranky. In daily life, when you also struggle with poverty and other issues, it's normal to complain a little. How can you find joy in what you do when everything requires a great effort? Fatigue does terrible things to a person's psyche. Exercising escapism isn't the answer, though. Some peope think they are better off if they control their lives, but it's really not about control, it's about co-existing with the condition and gently persuading mind and body to be as well as they can be. It's the same attitude we can cultivate in the grand scheme of life, in relation to other people and events outside of ourselves.

I have seen other forms of fear mongering, for instance the idea that people are under the attack of psychic entities. How easy to list all the symptoms people have due to chronic conditions or stressful lives and suggest it's all because of some invisible parasite? Of course many people will quickly try and get help "just in case". Whenever you consult a person who claims to be psychic, make very, very sure - and double sure - that this is a good person. How do they phrase themselves? Is the person charismatic? Do they have a loving look in their eyes? How many good people that you know personally have recommended this person? Did they come into your life almost by accident, through a friend or another positive context? And so on. Don't spend your precious money on anything that you're doing out of fear or guilt. That is not a spritual context.

Be natural and try and open up to the wonder that is life, in spite of all the flaws of your own existence. There have been times when I've cried bitter tears because I know this reality is so drab compared to some other dimensions... I know this because I have felt it so poignantly, therefore I'm bent to believing it. But this life on Earth is also a "great experiment" and through us all, spirit is finding new ways of expression. It is a wonder.

Read more about my art project involving the expression of invisible illness and fatigue here.  You can also follow what I'm doing artwise on my art blog.

ASCENSION, SHIFT, END OF TIMES, APOCALYPSE...

In Swedish there is an expression that goes something like "dear child bears many names", i.e., whom you love, you give many names. This seems to me to fit in with the apocalyptic scenario pretty well. It's a scenario that people love to entertain. For some, it's clearly a really exciting scenario.

I believe that reality is a lot more outrageous than we can possibly imagine. When I stopped seeking answers about the nature of reality about ten or twelve years ago, it was with this in mind. I don't feel a need to push through to find out more, because I feel that there is so much I wouldn't be able to grasp, and the things I'd like to know about no one really seems to be able to give conclusive answers about. I sometimes go to have a look at the integral community, and I'm struck with awe of the intellectual pursuits I find there. It's a little bit disconcerting, as it brings up feelings of inadequacy that I have to deal with. I feel a little bit upset that I am not able to indulge in so much intellectual thought... but the truth that I have to remind me of at times like this is that I don't really want to. It is simply not the life that I want or need for myself right now. It's true that my brains aren't what I'd like for them to be, but it really isn't important. This is the life I have now, and I had better be real about it and live it in a way that feels right. The integral people are intellectual, but to me, there's a bit missing in terms of openness to the real mysteries of our universe. They are so cautious about not being seen "new agey".

A few years ago I also stopped watching the New Age community with all its talk about the ascension. I felt a different sort of inadequacy within this group because I wasn't able to see what they said they were seeing. As interesting as it was, I didn't really feel that my life was within that sphere of spirituality either. So where did I belong? I guess I don't belong anywhere but right here. This was my conclusion. Again, I felt that it was of utmost importance that I stop ogling other people and their ideas, and focus on my own life. I needed not to feel scattered. I greatly simplified my existence, tried to feel as grounded in my new reality here in the new country as possible, and attempted to accept things the way they are. I didn't really have much option, because the move and my wedding left me pretty burn out, and since then I've had to try and adapt to a new culture. 

I know that if I allow myself, I'll just start tormenting myself with questions and doubt about my own ability to lead my life as best as I can. I'll go around feeling guilty for not doing well enough - in any number of areas of life. A great number of things don't really make sense to me. I used to work on myself a lot, but it got tiring. These days I find myself thinking, oh I need to fix this and the other problem with negative emotions, but when I look at what Shadow I'm projecting I'm not getting a hold of it. It's all so complex... I just don't feel there are any simple answers any more. Well, unless you call taking the problems seriously but going easy on myself simple, of course... no, I haven't given up on myself but I no longer feel obsessed by inner work. Who knows, maybe there is infiltration of higher energies into the world... I rather not speculate, because I don't want to mess with my head. I try and take things at face value. What I do feel though, is that something is pushing me a bit, as if I was in a hurry to sort out some personal issues. I also have deep questions about my creative life and what I'm supposed to do next.

It's only a month until that date everyone knows about, that so-called "End of the World". I don't give a toss about some Mayan calendar... it's a great deal of hype about something very unclear. I don't know much about it but it's nevertheless my guess that this date signifies a shift of some sort. People have made prophesies about the end of the world many, many times in the past - check this article out, for instance. There is no evidence that the world would come to an end. There's a lot of rather confused talk about a different kind of "end" though. I believe in evolution - and no doubt, evolution believes in me. I believe we have come to a point in our collective evolution that will propel us forward, maybe as a quantum leap (which seems to have happened before, historically speaking). You could call it an ascension if you wanted to, because it's moving up the evolutionary step ladder. What I do find a bit worrying is that "ascension talk" is basically the same year after year. All the "channellings" follow the same script of telling us that we are co-creators of this world and that those who refuse to wake up to this fact are going to feel very uncomfortable during these times of extreme cleansing of negative energy. They always say that we are going through difficult times and it will all seem very confusing. A wonderful future lies ahead though. That's about it. To me, it sounds like opium for the people.

These are dark and confusing times - well, if you want to be sure of your facts, you could look at what history teaches us. For instance, this is the ideal time for a new start. Think what it was like after the world wars, for instance. If a similar change was to be had on a larger scale, well could it look like something we might be heading for? I feel that a clarity is about to descend upon the human consciousness. Whether it involves extra terrestrial intelligence I don't know... frankly, I don't really care that much. I shall wait and see. I also know that changes can take a long time to take effect, so I am not about to make any prophesies that involves second guessing what I might still experience in my life time. I do think we are ready for change, that the collective has "had it". I don't think that we can sit down and expect everything to be served for us. There is much work to be done, but let's hope these end of days will see a new dawn with new possibilities. Actually, that's what I see. But more than anything else, I believe that we are responsible for our own life here on Earth and that it's really up to ourselves to make things work better, even if we are being facilitated through a shift of consciousness.

Read about how the world may be doing much better than we think.
Read a worthwhile article by Andrew Cohen about how we may relate to each other in the future when people have come to a realization of their authentic selves.
Listen to Ken Wilber and Andrew Cohen discuss the end of the world

"MYTHS" AND "FACTS" ABOUT THE CHAKRAS

"Ode to Creativity", handmade collage, copyright Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2008.
This piece doesn't require a lot of explanation  but interestingly, it's the most popular piece I've ever made.
Wonder why? It's not hard to figure out how the colours speak to our desire for joy in life.

This is not meant to be a treatise, only a short account of my own observations. I did a chakra test online just for fun, knowing all too well that someone was trying to sell me something at the end of it, but though I think the test itself was rubbish, it made me think a little about the state of my own chakras right now. The test consisted of three questions per chakra, which is ridiculous. My chakras came out as being either weak or strong, presumably strong if I got two "right" out of three questions. You can't determine anything so complex on the basis of just three simple questions about your attitudes to life! 

For one thing, as soon as you involve the mind, things change. Can you honestly say exactly how you feel about life in this very instant? The attitude that comes to mind may be dated, or it may be a newly discovered insight.  In the first case, it's no longer valid and in the second case it may not yet be very mature... I know for instance that in my own life, there are times when I fear power and money because of what people are doing with these, while other times I may feel quite empowered, focused and content with the idea of having financial security. It can be difficult if not impossible for me to say which is more true to the way I view life in general. In life, nothing is simple, and the chakras certainly aren't a simplified symbol of life! They are "living and breathing" just as much as you are, because the are you! 

I can't really give you any facts about chakras, because what I know is mostly hearsay. I have heard people repeat "facts" about chakras like parrots, without real insight. I really hate the commercialization of chakras, something quite sacred; the chakra industry as I call it. Nonetheless, I will offer you these viewpoints which I personally take as "facts", and you can ponder whether you feel the same. What I do know is that I can feel things in different ways in my body and thus determine which chakra is involved. When you know what they represent in terms of aspects of life and living, it can help you decide what to do about a specific issue and how to liberate that energy. I'm not saying that you can't involve the mind in this process, only that it's precarious. It mustn't be the sole thing you rely on for answers. You can ask yourself, what am I feeling or going through right now on a deeper level, and the answers may come to you in the form of words, images, sounds or sensations in the body. It could also come in the form a very abstract insight which requires no words, because it's an intuitive knowing. If you feel compelled to analyse your issues with your mind because you're the cerebral type, do it as a complement to other ways of knowing. Sometimes a train of thoughts sets off an emotional liberation that can usually be felt in the body, sometimes the undoing of an emotional block sets of a whole train of analytical thoughts about cause and effect. 

One book on chakras I had said that every second chakra turns counter clockwise, and that it's the opposite in men and women. Boy what a complicated "fact"! For years, but occasionally, I've picked a suitable piece of jewellery that I could use as a pendant and "checked" my chakras. To this day I don't know how accurate the readings are, but one thing is pretty certain; they all turn clockwise (I've tested this on men too). How I know this is that I can feel when a chakra isn't doing too well and the energy is either blocked, erratic or even negative. When the circle is wide and energetic and running clockwise, I also have a sense of freedom in respect to the issues represented by that particular chakra. Remember that chakras are alive, so they change all the time! Sometimes the changes happen from one minute to the next, and you can also affect the way they react with the sheer force of thought. This is another way in which you can rest assured that your thoughts matter. Test it yourself!

Yes, chakras also correspond with the spectrum of consciousness (as presented by Ken Wilber), the wavelengths of colours, sounds and so on. However, manically wearing a certain colour isn't going to make that much of a difference. It's also perfectly alright to wear black sometimes (though I have to admit that nowadays I don't enjoy wearing it that often). It's just a colour! I have heard people who called themselves spiritual healers scream in protest of the colour black. It has it's place here on Earth just as everything else, and it can be a nicely comforting colour at times. Trying to be jolly at all costs and at all times is counter productive. On the other hand, a saffron coloured bedroom may be more conducive to sensuous feelings than a blue one. Use your intuition and do what feels right. You will certainly be drawn to some colours more than others during times in your life when something in a specific chakra is under development. Following your attraction to certain colours can be an interesting way of self-observation.

I don't personally believe in obsessive meditation on the state of your chakras but everyone has their own favourite method, of course. If I meditate, it's not about control but about letting go of control. It's highly submissive and an intention to liberate tensions wherever they may be (admitting that I don't know everything about myself...). I'm not saying that you can't follow a CD that helps you go through you chakras and clean them, that's fine if it works for you. But I still need to find such a CD with music that actually speaks to me! I much rather just pick something I like and feel attracted to in that moment, and play it while meditating.

Update: I have had great success in opening chakras by using these three methods that I devised for myself:
1. hold the palm of your hands on the chakras and imagine them being healed
2. Visualise the colour of the chakra and/or something that represents the colour. For instance, I think of big juicy oranges when I visualise my second chakra.
3. Hum the notes from C upwards. Doh Reh Mi Fah Soh Lah Doh. You can hum the scale sliding upwards while imagining the energy rising to your third eye.

KEN WILBER AND THE INTEGRAL MOVEMENT TODAY - HOW DO I FIT IN, HOW DO YOU FIT IN?

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "X - Surviving in the World of the Fitter"
Handmade collage with drawing and photographs
This is my first attempt for "Project X"

Those who have read my early blog posts know that I devoured all of Ken Wilber's books back in the 1990s. It was a profound period of reconnecting with my own truth, and Ken had a way of putting it that resonated with me in a very luminous way. After that my life got rather chaotic and my concerns turned away from the theory of spiritual thought to more palpable issues. It didn't mean that I abandoned them but in a sense I felt that I had reached a limit of how much I needed to know and that I felt comfortable and reassured with the knowledge I had hitherto acquired. I was aware of Ken's presence on the web but wasn't able to access much material of any interest because I didn't feel I could afford the membership. It was quite a lot of money for someone who wasn't sure they were going to be visiting the site regularly, especially as I had started to have severe difficulties with reading. A year ago I was suddenly invited to present my art at the site's art gallery and got free membership in return. There were loads of audio files that I uplodaded onto my phone or listened to while doing mindless chores - most of them are talks with Ken Wilber. It's actually taken me this long to reconnect on a deeper level with the integral teachings, and it's slow progress as I don't find that time to listen to the audios that often. 

One of my major concerns has been elitism. The newsletter is full of smiley, if not beautiful, faces and the promise of uplifting philosophy. I wasn't sure I fitted in. My path has been quite dark and after a certain "honey moon phase" in the 90s when I did all that spiritual research I haven't felt that visions of spiritual promise were enough. Many of the audio files I listened to were inconsequential to me because the messages were basically repeating what I already knew. There is some new theoretical view points, especially Wilber's theory of quadrants, is prominent. I just don't feel that it's helping me personally. 

There was a turning point when I watched a short video of Michael Schwartz talking about integral art. Michael is a distinguished American art critic who was the one making the choice of which of my collages were to go in the art gallery, who helped me choose a title, and who wrote a short essay on my work. However, the art presented in the video was quite bland and New Agey. It was mainly about subtle and causal energies and deities... I was a bit disappointed. The burning question I had dwelled on for quite some time became so pertinent I just had to write to Michael and ask him about this. Namely, could the art work I am doing at the moment fit in with the integral world view if it's not overtly spiritual but the intention behind it is spiritual? I trust Michael and was hoping to raise an important issue but also get some clarity. At present I'm feeling very strongly about being a spokesperson for all those people out there who are suffering with invisible illnesses and who have therefore become outcasts of society. Of course, my own experiences are at the core of my vision as usual. The problem is that I have to point at this problem with a very clear indication of just how bad it is. I then hope to also present a vision of some kind of solution or positive attitude, albeit not knowing at the moment how I'm going to go about it. Well, Michael wrote me back and said very kindly that my letter  radiated compassion. To be honest, I don't know how much compassion I feel for all of humankind but I do feel somewhat driven in spite of personal health issues that are dragging me down - this is after a period of over ten years during which I wasn't feeling I had an artistic direction. You can read all about it on my art blog. 

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Affected by X" and "Fragmented by X", copyright 2012
Handmade collages with photographs and copies of own text

Michael Schwartz also explained that he was going to present some of my collages during the presentation about integral art and why it's important, however he felt the pieces were too complex for this type of lecture. He said that there is certainly an attempt within the integral movement at finding ways of dealing with the problems of this reality on a grass root level, but most people who come to integrallife.com for answers are still in the stage of self-development (i.e. the "honey moon phase" I mentioned earlier). It's obviously an important stage for everyone and I can totally understand that a lot of discussions are aimed at this audience. They are not necessarily responsive to art about shadows and paradox. In the initial phases, the art that will go down well is going to be mainly about the spiritual awards we reap if we pursue our path... rather sweet and other worldly, a lot of the time. He feels this kind of art can still be integral. I'm aware that a lot of the art I'm producing isn't jolly, because I have to show just how bad the situation is. However my intention is to add more and more positive notes, as there is strength and wisdom to be had from this form of suffering, but also from the diversity of experience these people may express. I still have to think how to present it.  No matter - for each their own.

One of Ken's talks was particularly interesting. While he's openly pessimistic about politics today as many of the world leaders of today are on a very low level of personal development and this is something to be seriously concerned about since they are not interested in the good of all mankind, he encourages people who adhere to an integral world view to self-identify. Other groups within society self-identify, and it makes them stronger. He estimates that only about 4 % of the whole population has an integral frame of mind. Now how do you recognize this specific mentality? Well, if you believe that all things are interconnected, that separation is an illusion and that life really is a "whole", then you're probably of an integral frame of mind. You will probably also believe that every level of development has a place on Earth and therefore they are worthy of your tolerance and respect. Like I said, the only problem is that immature people are in charge of important decisions with world wide repercussions. 

If so few people are spiritually conscious in the way Ken Wilber is promoting then it also means these people will feel pretty lonely. What's the use of being wise if there is nothing much you can do in a world like ours? This hits a soft spot in myself. Boy do I know about feeling lonely and helpless, and wondering what point there is to doing anything for the good of all mankind when nobody seems to care? Ken says, try and stay true to yourself and don't fall into the trap of trying to adapt to the level of people around you. Whatever you do, whether it be working as a dentist or as an artist, you can be integral in your approach. You may not want to talk about it much, as you have probably already discovered that people aren't in general very interested in what you have to say. You simply have to become creative in your way of putting a message out there. There are integral viewpoints that do struck a cord with the general public if expressed in a language they can understand. You have to think deeply about this. This is clearly not a time to be arrogant and so self-contained that no communication can take place "across the borders", so to speak. And of course, the wiser you are the more aware of this problem you will naturally be. 

A lot of people who do good in the world aren't the ones that anyone take much notice of. It is hard to set egotistic concerns aside and work for the improvement of our living conditions in spite of not knowing whether there are any results or rewards to be had. You just have to keep going. Sometimes small groups can change attitudes on a world wide scale, it's just a matter of timing, phrasing and general methods. Everyone has a heart, and most people will resonate with certain matters of conscience and human rights when the time is right even if not all the implications are fully understood. 

I'm working on "Project X", a series of images that are meant to express the fatalistic situation in which people with invisible illnesses find themselves in. They are outcasts of society, misunderstood by the healthy and discriminated by the right wing part of society especially. I'm only addressing a tiny part of the problems present in society today, and may only be noticed by a small number of people. But I have to do something and this is what I have decided to do now. It's a tentative, explorative... we shall see how it goes. I can only do what I can do.

I just noticed that part of one of my pieces of art (albeit with the wrong title) was used in this article about "attracting your beloved" on integrallife.com.

Read more:
My art blog
About "Project X"
Integrallife.com
+KenWilber.com
The Creative Spark (audio) 

GOODBYE TO THE OLD NEW AGE... OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW

Many of those who are my age group will remember the 1980s and 1990s as a time of exciting spiritual discoveries and the testing of many different belief systems. The very definition of the New Age is its eclecticism, the famous spiritual smorgasbord from which the individual could choose what they felt attracted to and create their very own unique world view. Mixing and matching was in. Though I never confessed to the New Age or any other form of religious or spiritual beliefs with ardour and conviction, I guess in a sense I had one foot in the New Age field and one in the Transpersonal or Integral field (as the Wilberian system of thought is called today). While the New Agey way of being is still inspiring people to become spiritual seekers, it does seem to me that the heydays are over. We threw a great party but now is time to sober up!

Of course, as always this a subjective point of view. But I've been thinking how there was a sort of spiritual wave movement and how it seems to have started to settle. Eclecticism just doesn't seem to have the allure it once had. You can only mix and match if you believe the systems you're referring to are relevant to your life in some way. Being a spiritual omnivore looks a bit wishy washy and undecided to me. People running around attending a lot of spiritual seminars all the time are often just spending time, distracting themselves rather than addressing the real issues of their lives. It seems important to me that people don't get hooked on holding onto old ideals but embrace new ways of being, as well as decide on who they really are and where that could take them in the future. What kind of person do you want to be rather than what kind of different person do you want to be? Perhaps this should take precedence to the belief system; maybe it's more important than concerning oneself with what kind of spirituality is defining one's identity.

I settled on a world view after ten years of research, and it hasn't changed much since then. Practical life took over and dealing with emotions became the focal point. Every now and again I revisit theories or here say about the current spiritual situation, mostly by checking things out on the internet. What I've noticed in myself is that there are two fundamental problems. On the one hand I don't feel a lot of excitement about either new age ideas or integral theory - most of the time I'm yawning or even feeling annoyed and only rarely do I sense a spark of interest as in "wow this I can apply to my life!". Most things just seem to complicated and/or hypothetical. On the other hand there's an inner conflict which is tearing me apart. I don't seem to be able to reconcile an expression of spirituality with the less spiritual side of life. I feel like a chameleon, trying too hard to adapt to different groups of people and ideologies. This is very obvious when I write for a general public, or make artwork. I feel uncomfortable about being overtly spiritual and talking in spiritual terms. I've been beating myself up over this, thinking that I'm just not focused enough... not spiritual enough... etc... but maybe it's really a sign that I should pay attention to?

Ken Wilber (check out the loft series at www.integrallife.com) has been talking a lot about bringing a contemporary form of spirituality into every day life as most of what religion used to represent has become redundant. In general, religions represent exoteric ways of approaching spirituality - it's mostly a dualist world view with a God who is separated from the individual.  Rituals and ceremonies pay an important role in this kind of thinking. Modern spirituality, on the other hand, is mainly esoteric and inwards looking. God is not seen as separate from the creation, on the contrary human beings are co-creators of this reality. In other words, we are not subject to some divine rule but intrinsically part of the divine and all that is. I agree with the idea that we are one with everything and more powerful than what meets the eye. But I also think that at this point in historic time there is a limit to how creative an individual can be, and that there's a danger in starting to force oneself to become more than what is humanly possible at any given moment. This is mainly where opinions differ among spiritual people. I have been fretting over this dilemma for the past ten years as I have felt pressure to perform better than I really feel able to. So how can I get away from all these inner conflicts?

Well, perhaps the solution is to become more centred in who one really is in this moment, in this place, in this body, at this point in historic time. It's almost as if spirituality has become as uncomfortable as religion. For different reasons, yes. But maybe it's time to move on and become less focused on the whole issue of spirituality. What I sense is that spirituality can easily keep us in a dualist position even when the belief system is about oneness. Whether it be fairies, angels and crystals (the New age) or levels, stages and quadrants (Integral Theory), it can really all just become distractions and a form of entertainment. In the end, the reality of life as such is usually a different matter altogether. I want to uncover my authentic self as it manifests itself in this time and place. Do I really need any paraphernalia or pretty theories to do so? To me, the answer is no. It's surprising how difficult it is to see yourself exactly as you are right now, without all the striving and manifesting to become happier and more spiritual. This has been said before, for instance Chogyam Trungpa talked about "spiritual materialism" already a long time ago. It was all about people who are taking on the spiritual cloak and pursuing spiritual ideals much as people pursue material possessions.

Spirituality as much as religion and other forms of belief systems (ecological thinking being a case in point) tend to become another set of rules with a great deal of restrictions attached to them. "Can't do this, can't do that..." - well this is not really embracing "all that is" and reaching for the experience of real oneness. Instead, dualism and polarisation really kicks in. Very often the restrictions don't even make a lot of sense, they exist because they seem to be a way towards greater approval by some authority or another, or because they make people feel secure. As soon as you think, "that person is not as spiritual as me", you're deep in trouble. You have drawn a clear dividing line between yourself and someone else. The tendency of the mind to polarise is, per se, a normal thing, but when it's done in the name of spirituality it becomes a very false attitude indeed.

My point, however, is that there comes a time when even spirituality itself becomes redundant. Instead, this could at least for some of us be a time to sink into ourselves and exist as exactly the person we happen to be in this particular life. Perhaps you're someone who will ascend in 2012. Perhaps you're not. Accepting that you don't know which you are could be quite liberating. Perhaps there is no ascension at all or maybe it's very different from here say. You know some things of a spiritual nature with great certainty but equally, you don't know many things with certainty. Liberate yourself and accept that this is true to who you are right now. What is valid and relevant, right now? Quietly discard the old and accept the new. It could be a greater connection to life through the heart, after all, an evolutionary step towards greater heart centredness has been predicted. If this is true it means that it's there for us to receive if we are able to open up to it. Yet my point is that we cannot open up to the simplicity of the heart's beauty if we keep distracting ourselves with shiny things and grand ideals. Do what you feel you need to do (e.g. keep the body/mind in sync) and stop worrying about whether it's spiritual or not! I think this kind of respect for the self is the true essence of self-love.

Artwork: An old postcard from the 1980s. This is how I feel a lot of the time!